Chill Pill
by JeremyGU
Summary: How would the entire Ranma saga be different if Ranma occasionally thought before he spoke? AU/same world; RanmaxAkane
1. Smoothing things

_Author's note: This is a story idea that I'd been considering for a while. A lot of the fighting between Ranma and Akane happens because they provoke one another, so I thought, "what if one of them just calmed down a little bit?" Then, I mixed that idea with the *facepalm* I do every time Ranma says something, well, stupid. Do you ever watch or read and think, "_I_ would have done things differently..." So, in that vein, this is an alternative universe/same world series in which I write Ranma's interactions based upon how _I _would have handled things, and I'm going to try my best to write Akane and the other characters so that they are not out-of-character, but acting as they would with the new Ranma._

_And if you're saying, "But Jeremy, I don't care what you would have done differently. This is stupid!" Well, you can blow me._

_Previously, when I would write fics, I'd have the entire story in my head and most of it written before I start publishing chapters. For the first time, I only have ideas for some of it, so we'll just have to see where it goes. (My concern is always that I'll get lazy and not update it, so if the last update was years before you are reading this and it's ending abruptly, I apologize.) Of course, we're just going to flow with the canon of the original series, so all I have to do is figure out what changes to make._

_And, as the broken record always says: I do not own Ranma ½, its characters, or anything that has to do with it. So there._

* * *

Ranma walked along the fence, glancing down at his new "fiancée" as they walked to his first day at a new school. He made a mental note to kill his father in his sleep. Seriously, what the hell was the panda-brain thinking? First, he wound up half-girl thanks to their stupid training trip, and now he was engaged to some girl he'd never met before yesterday? He did feel bad about last night, though. Akane had walked in on him in the shower, then called him a pervert; he'd gotten angry and said some mean things. Not that it was okay for her to call him a pervert, but still... He glanced over at her again. He didn't want to grovel, but this whole fiancée thing was going to be way easier without the silent treatment.

He hopped off of the fence and started walking next to Akane on the road. She glared at him. "Didn't I tell you not to hang around me?" she growled. Ranma sighed. "Listen," he began. "I'm sorry we saw eachother in the shower, and I'm sorry I told you my girl side was better built. I didn't mean it, okay?" He glanced at Akane, who turned her nose up and looked away. "Look," he continued, "if you want to stay mad, fine, but I was wrong and I said so. Whatever." He jumped back onto the fence and resumed his balanced walking. Akane glanced his way. "I'm sorry I called you a pervert," she mumbled. Ranma jumped back to the road. "You were the only one who was nice to me when I got here," he said. "Can't we be friends for now? It might take a while to get our dads off of this marriage thing." Akane looked at him warily. "All right," she said, "but don't tell anyone we're supposed to be engaged. Just because I'm being nice to you doesn't mean I like this whole marriage idea." "Hey, I don't like it any more than you do," he answered.

Water came from nowhere to hit Ranma right in the face, and he suddenly found himself six inches shorter, staring through damp red bangs at the old woman watering the street. Why would you water asphalt? "Damn it," he (she) mumbled. "I guess I have to run home and take a bath."

"You can't," Akane said. "You'll make us late."

"I can't go to school as a girl!"

"All you need is hot water, right? Come on, there's a place we can go."

She led Ranma around a corner, and Ranma found herself staring at Dr. Tofu's Moxibustion Clinic. Akane opened the door and they walked in. "Wait here," she said. "I'll find some hot water." Ranma wandered into the exam room, looking at the various items hanging on the wall. She didn't have a clue what any of the stuff was; maybe it was a good thing that she was going into martial arts and not medicine.

Without a sound, a bony arm landed on her shoulder. She screamed, leaping onto the door and hanging. She looked over her shoulder, spying the young doctor and his medical skeleton. "Pardon me," he said. "Don't be afraid. This is just Betty, my skeleton." Of course, saying 'don't be afraid' _after_ you've scared someone is a bit pointless, but it was a little late for that. Akane hurried in, carrying a kettle. "Ranma," she said, "I have the hot..." She spied Dr. Tofu and stopped in her tracks, slamming the door on Ranma's fingers. "Oh, hi, Dr. Tofu," she said, nervously, as Ranma fell from the door, clutching her aching fingers. "Damn it, Akane, watch what you're doing!" she hissed.

Tofu smiled at Akane. "You haven't been by in a while," he said. "No new injuries?" Akane looked at the floor, holding the kettle with a death grip. "No sir," she said, "not that I'm doing anything that would... hurt me..." Ranma looked at her knowingly, recognizing the look in her eyes.

The now-male (and much happier) Ranma strolled toward Furinkan High School, with Akane next to him. She'd been silent since they left Tofu's office. Ranma glanced at her. "So, that Dr. Tofu," he said, "he practices martial arts?"

"How could you tell?" she asked.

"He snuck up on me without me hearing him coming. You'd _have_ to be a martial artist to be that quiet."

"He's very good. You can't tell by looking at him, can you?"

"I guess not."

"Ever since I was little, Dr. Tofu took care of all of my injuries."

"So that's what this whole surprise engagement is throwing a wrench into, huh?"

Akane stopped, wide eyed. "Wha... what?" she stammered. Ranma smirked at her. "C'mon, I can tell you like him," he said. They resumed walking. "It's not like he and I..." she muttered. Ranma scratched his head. "So why don't you confess to him how you feel?" he asked. "Then our dads will think you _can't_ be engaged to me. You'll get the guy you like, and worst case scenario I'll get pawned off on one of your sisters. It's win-win." Akane shook her head. "I don't think that's a good idea," she said sadly. "Well why not?" he prodded. "The only thing that could go wrong is if he rejected you. Then you'd at least know how he feels, right?"

Akane looked at the ground. "I know how he feels," she mumbled.

Ranma was momentarily confused, but decided not to pursue it. Akane liked somebody, and that was enough to break this stupid engagement. All _he_ had to do was come up with some reason that he couldn't be forced onto the other two. 'Maybe I should hang around them more and learn some stuff,' he thought. He looked at Akane and smirked. "So you don't hate guys, at least not all of them," he said. "You'll understand in a minute," she replied, as they entered Furinkan's front gate.

Ranma stopped, eyes wide, as a sound like thunder rumbled from the front of the building. With it came a crowd of men larger than any crowd he'd ever seen. "Just stay back; I'm used to this," Akane said. Ranma hopped into a nearby tree for a better view, watching as Akane began tossing the high school boys like tennis balls. It took less than a minute for the crowd to turn into a mess of moaning or unconscious bodies littering the school yard. Ranma stared in wonder. He was honestly impressed with her skills. "Maybe this fiancée thing could work out after all," he mused. He jumped down next to Akane. "Wow, that was quick," he said. "None of them are any good," came the reply.

A rose flew out of nowhere, landing in Akane's hand. From the look on her face, it was clear that she knew exactly where it had come from, and didn't much like its arrival. A tall, dark, and... mentally retarded looking... boy stepped up to them. "Such a boorish lot," the boy said. "Akane Tendo, might I have the privilege of battling you?" Akane put her palm to her forehead. "Kuno, no, just go away," she said, sounding more irritated than anything else. Ranma chuckled. "You should start charging for dates, Akane, you could make a fortune," he said, laughing. The other boy pointed his bokken at him. "You there!" he shouted. "Aren't you being awfully familiar with Akane?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess" Ranma began.

"Then tell me who you are, then!"

"Well, my name is..."

"Wait! Is it not customary to give one's own name first? Fine. Mine I shall give. I am captain of the Kendo club; undefeated star of the high school fencing world. To many, I am known as the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High! Tatewaki Kuno, age seventeen."

Ranma stared in confusion. Seriously, how do you answer a rant like that? "Uh..." he stammered. "My name is Ranma Saotome. My pop is friends with Akane's dad and we're staying with them." Kuno reddened. "Staying under the same roof as Akane Tendo?" he screamed. "I won't allow it!"

Ranma rubbed his temples. "Look..." he began, only to be cut off by the fuming Kuno. "I will not allow you to continue hounding Akane!" he growled. Ranma was befuddled. "Hounding?" he asked. "Who said I was... Besides, she doesn't look very interested in you to _me_. Just saying." While truthful, this was not remotely the statement that Kuno wanted to hear. He swung his bokken, slicing into the wall of the school, as Ranma leapt clear. Ranma looked at the clock on the school, which showed class beginning in five minutes. "Dude, I don't have time for this," he complained. "You're going to make us late!" He jumped from the tree, planting a foot firmly on Kuno's face and driving him into the ground as he bolted for the doors, with Akane in tow. "Find me after school!" he called back to the still-fuming Kuno.

* * *

Akane and Ranma sat at the lunch table. As Ranma looked at the bento given to him by Kasumi that morning, he knew that there would be some definite advantages to being in Nerima. "So, what was with that crowd this morning?" he asked. Akane sighed. "Kuno made this big proclamation to the school that the only way he would 'permit' someone to date me was if they defeated me in combat," she explained. "So, you hate guys because you get hit on so much," Ranma mused. "I guess that makes sense. Boy, I wish _I_ was that popular." Akane nudged him. "It sounds great until you're in the middle of it," she retorted.

Kuno's voice echoed from the other side of the room. "_Fiancée?_" he cried. He and the rest of the school instantly surrounded their table. Akane buried her face in her hands. "You!" Kuno yelled, again brandishing his bokken in Ranma's direction. "You will not marry Akane! I won't allow it!" Ranma glanced at the mortified Akane. They were both getting pretty tired of Kuno claiming the authority to 'allow' anything, especially having been recently forced into an engagement. "How did he find out?" Ranma asked quietly. Akane looked up at him. "There is _one_ other person at this school who knew," she muttered. Ranma shook his head. "I had Nabiki pegged," he said.

A group of girls, the gossipy type, clamored around Akane. "Is it true?" one asked enthusiastically. Akane stammered, seemingly unable to formulate an excuse under pressure. A light bulb went off in Ranma's head. He threw an arm around Akane. "Yeah," he said, feigning enthusiasm to match the bimbos, "we're just _crazy_ about eachother!" Akane was too shocked to even pull away, looking at Ranma with her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. He leaned close. "Roll with it, it'll get the guys off your back," he whispered quickly. Her look changed to one of skepticism, but Ranma had provided the crowd with what they wanted, and everyone dissipated amidst a sea of whispers. (Everyone, that is, except Kuno, who was dragged away by a teacher for disrupting lunch.)

Akane sat in shock. "I... can't... believe... you just told them..." she stammered. "Hey, I'm right, aren't I?" Ranma asked. Akane rubbed her temples in frustration. "That was _not_ a good idea," she said warily. "Nabiki's going to get word," Akane began, "and she's going to go tell our dads what you said, and they'll go crazy celebrating..." Ranma stopped her. "Quit worrying," he said casually. "Besides, now I get to say I'm going with the girl who's so cute that every guy here risked life and limb for a shot with her. That's bragging rights!" Akane shook her head once, before what Ranma said actually set it. She reddened while Ranma smirked.

'Oh yeah, that'll be worth some points,' he thought.


	2. Love pentagon

_A/N: This story has become ten times more popular than any I've written before, and that's only from the tease of the first chapter? Are A/U fics that popular? I'll be damned. This chapter messes with the chronology of the Kuno side story a bit, because of that whole alternate timeline thing: since Ranma wasn't late to school the previous day, he didn't wind up in the hall. Not being in the hall meant he didn't fight Kuno and wind up in the pool. Ergo, Kuno has yet to meet the Ranma with boobs. That changes now._

* * *

Ranma stared down at the aqueduct absentmindedly as he and Akane walked toward Furinkan. His first day had been... interesting. He prayed that every day wasn't going to be quite so eventful. "Hey, Akane," he said, "are you still ticked at me for what I said yesterday, about us being engaged?"

"A little."

Ranma waved dismissively. "Don't worry about it, really. It'll keep the guys away from you. I promise. Other than that, does it really change your day-to-day life?"

"Other than the twenty questions I'm going to get about what we've done and not done, I guess not,"

"Just tell them we're into BDSM. They'll spend all their time looking it up, and when they find out what it means, they'll stay away!"

"Oh, yeah. _That's_ what I want people to think about me."

Just then, a wave of water flew past them, narrowly missing Akane but getting Ranma enough to color his hair red and throw his center of gravity forward a couple of inches. (S)he sighed. "Maybe I should start wearing a raincoat every day," she moaned. Akane looked ahead, to where the gates of Furinkan High were visible. "We're almost there now," she said, "it'll be easier to sneak you somewhere that has a hot tap."

As they walked in the gates, they saw yesterday's crowd, but this time, the boys stood still. Akane took her fighting stance, but one boy in front spoke without approaching. "Akane, we've decided that we accept your engagement to Saotome," he said sadly. Akane looked confused; Ranma leaned over to her. "Told you it would work," the redhead whispered. "We got to know Ranma," the boy continued, "and we think he's a decent guy." "That means they're afraid of me," Ranma said, chuckling. Another boy spoke up. "He knocked Kuno down yesterday, and Kuno's a lot stronger than any of us, so we don't figure it's worth it," the boy said.

Ranma was smirking at her own involvement in the end of Akane's irritation, when she found one of her own, in the form of Tatewaki Kuno. She became aware of him staring at her, a line of drool forming on his chin, just as he raced to her, kneeling as he took her hands. "You... you are a goddess," he murmured. "You must tell me your name!" Ranma recoiled in disgust. "Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! This is _not_ happening!" she stammered, her eyes wide as saucers. Akane laughed so hard tears formed in her eyes. "Enjoy, Ranma," she said, gasping for air. "Ranma?" Kuno yelped in surprise. He rose and held Ranma by the shoulders. "Tell me you're not related to that rogue that was with Akane yesterday!" he cried. "Yes," she said slowly, thinking of excuses. "He's my brother, and he's very protective of both his sister and his fiancée, so leave us alone!" She flattened him with an uppercut to the chin and raced into the building. Akane followed, moving as fast as she could while doubled over in laughter.

Ranma at least _felt_ better being male, but even that didn't erase Kuno's lustful stare from his mind. He sat silent and beet red in every class of the day. Every time he closed his eyes, he remembered Kuno looking at his female form like a piece of meat. He could honestly say he now knew why the male attention had made Akane hate boys. Akane made some cracks on the way home, but all it took was a reminder that Kuno did the same to her, and the jokes stopped. Discussing how to avoid Kuno actually became a bonding experience for the two of them.

* * *

Ranma bolted awake, sweating profusely. 'It was all a dream,' he thought. The dream had been so real, and so... disgusting! Kuno making it with him in his girl form... Ranma shivered as it replayed itself in his mind. Why wasn't he having dreams like this about Akane? He'd enjoy that! Or even her sisters; they were very attractive in their own right. How all three of them were still single had him stumped.

Well, maybe not Nabiki. Looks will only get you so far.

At that point, he became aware that something else was amiss. Namely, that he seemed a lot damper than the sweat from the dream ought to explain. He felt the mattress; it had damp spots but wasn't damp all over. He felt his clothes; they were wet. Not just wet, but warm, as though it had been warm water that had made them that way.

"I have a bad feeling about this," he muttered to himself.

* * *

Akane and Ranma walked out of Furinkan. Thankfully, and somewhat surprisingly, the day had been relatively uneventful, unlike the previous two. But of course, say it with me now, _that was about to change_. Nabiki caught the two of them, squeezing herself in the middle. "So, Ranma," Nabiki said slyly, "Kuno wants desperately to speak with you."

"Why?"

"How should I know? He said to find him around the corner."

"All right. I'll catch up with you two at home."

Ranma rounded the corner to find Kuno standing with a stuffed panda in his arms. It looked disturbingly like Genma in his cursed form. As he stared at Kuno with the doll, the phrase 'It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again' ran through his mind. He approached with caution. "All right, Kuno," he said. "What is it?"

"That will be upperclassman Kuno to you!"

"When hell freezes. What do you want?"

Kuno tossed the panda into Ranma's hands. "I asked Nabiki Tendo to deliver this to your sister, the pigtailed goddess. She instructed me to give any messages to you."

Ranma shook his head. "Kuno, if I kick your ass, that's it. If you give reason to my sister for _her _to kick your ass, she will castrate you, pluck your eyeballs out, and insert your testicles in their place. Let it go."

"Never, Saotome! If your sister doesn't wish to date with me, let her tell me herself."

"Akane's been telling you that as long as I've been here and you haven't listened to a damn word she's said! Besides, I'm very close to my sister. Anything you want to do with her, you might as well be doing with me, and it ain't happening."

_(A/N: I thought that last line was pretty clever.)_

Ranma tossed the panda back and walked away. Just as he rounded the corner, a splash of water dropped onto his head. The girl looked down at her previously-nonexistent cleavage. "Again?" she muttered. "What is this place, the world's biggest water park?" She suddenly became aware of a presence behind her. An evil presence. She turned slowly to see Kuno, eyes wide. "My pigtailed goddess!" he cried, glomping onto her. "Let go of me, you brain-dead pile of dog crap!" she screamed. Just then, a wave of hot water descended onto the pair. Ranma, now male (and thankful), looked up to see Nabiki standing with a kettle. "Sorry, Ranma," she said. "Too hot?"

Ranma shoved Kuno away, while Kuno's expression turned to shock at the sight of the very male person he'd been holding. Ranma, on the other hand, had a different problem. If Kuno knew of his curse, it wouldn't take long for everyone else to. How was he going to explain this one? "Saotome!" Kuno screamed in fury. "What sorcery have you pulled? What have you done with you sister?" Ranma thanked God with that sentence; it meant that Kuno was too stupid to realize they were the same person. He thought fast. "She brained you and ran for it, idiot," he said. "She hit you so hard you don't remember it."

"Liar!" Kuno cried, brandishing his bokken. "You dragged her away! Allow her to make her own decisions, you cur!" He swung at Ranma, which Ranma dodged. A second swing, and Ranma nailed Kuno with a hard kick to the midsection. A flurry of papers fluttered from Kuno's shirt as he was propelled backward. Ranma managed to grab one, looking in horror at a picture of his female form, asleep and sprawled across his bed. 'I never sleep as a girl,' he thought. 'Somebody set me up! That's why I was wet! But who the hell would...' As his mind processed the few people who knew of his curse, he instinctively looked at Nabiki. "That little..." he muttered.

He was shook from his thinking by a hard hit to his midsection. He jumped back, standing shakily as pain coursed through his side. Kuno stood, determined. "You look elsewhere in the midst of battle," he said. "You do not take me seriously!" He launched another strike at Ranma, which Ranma managed to dodge, rolling backward. He looked up to see Akane staring down at him, leaning on a statue. "Are you all right?" she asked. "Kuno is very skilled. He fights hard against male opponents!" Ranma enjoyed the view up Akane's dress, as a trickle of blood began to form on his nose. He shook his head. "I can handle him," he said, jumping back to his feet.

Ranma launched himself back at Kuno. "It ends now!" Kuno said, swinging. The blast of air from his bokken crumbled the statue that Akane was standing next to. "Watch it, Akane!" Ranma yelled. "Eyes front, Ranma!" she called back. Ranma turned to see Kuno pulling for a third strike, and saw that Kuno's entire front was open. He launched a series of kicks. Kuno took them and stood, determined, before flopping face-first to the ground.

Nabiki looked amazed. "How did you..." she said. Akane rolled Kuno over, where footprints were visible in all of his vulnerable spots. "You kicked him?" Nabiki stammered. "I didn't even see your foot move!" Akane looked at Ranma. "Is your side all right?" she asked. Ranma felt his ribs, wincing. "It'll be okay in a while," he said through clenched teeth. "What was it that distracted you?" Akane said. Ranma pointed to the pictures on the ground. "See for yourself," he said.

Akane picked one up. "Pictures of me?" she asked. "Of you?" Ranma said, confused. "The one I saw was of me as a girl!" They dug through the photos, finding a dozen stills of both girl-Ranma and Akane. "They came flying out of Kuno's shirt when I kicked him," Ranma said. Akane looked at Nabiki angrily. "That's what I figured, too," he continued. Nabiki smiled sheepishly. "Can't blame a girl for trying to make a little cash," she said.

Ranma and Akane walked away. "My own sister!" Akane said, furious. "I'd suggest posing on the condition that she gives us half the money, but I'd feel too dirty," Ranma said. Akane stared straight ahead, as if trying to kill Nabiki through sheer willpower. "If it's any consolation, they _are_ nice pictures of you," Ranma said. "Thanks," Akane said, not sounding the slightest bit consoled.

* * *

Ranma and Genma sprang at eachother high above the koi pond, all part of their their ritual morning sparring session. Akane and Nabiki watched from the porch, Nabiki looking annoyed to be awake. Kasumi leaned out the door. "Ranma! Mr. Saotome! Breakfast!" she called. The fighting pair turned as suddenly as someone hearing an explosion. "Thank you, Kasumi, it sure smells delicious!" Genma shouted as they both dropped into the koi pond. Genma, now a dripping furball, climbed from the pond and lumbered into the house, as the now-red haired Ranma stood with her arms on the edge of the pond. "Morning, Akane," she said. "Feel like a swim before school?" Akane rolled her eyes. "Get some hot water, Ranma, before you make us late," she said, shaking her head.

Ranma bathed in record time, managing to slip in place at breakfast while everyone else was still at the table. He glared at his still-animal father. "Get hot water before you sit down to eat, pop, your wet fur stinks!" he complained. Genma reached over to smack him in the head, eliciting giggles from Nabiki. Genma held up a sign: 'I'M STARTING A JOB TODAY, RANMA.' "Where, the zoo?" Ranma asked dryly. Akane, Nabiki, and Soun stifled laughter. Kasumi looked at Akane. "Akane, I have a book I need to give back to Dr. Tofu," she said. "Do you think you could drop it off at his clinic after school?" Akane stared intently at her breakfast, while Ranma stared intently at Akane. "Actually, I'm going to be busy after school," Akane replied. "Can you take it yourself?" "I guess I'll have to," Kasumi replied. Ranma watched the exchange, but didn't say a word.

Nabiki took off ahead, leaving Ranma and Akane to walk to school together again. Ranma considered taking the fence again, but decided to skip it on purpose, walking next to Akane. After a few minutes of silence, he reached out an poked her arm. She jumped. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied nonchalantly, "why wouldn't I be?"

"I meant the whole Dr. Tofu thing."

"I just want to avoid winding up in the same room with him is all."

Ranma thought for a moment. "Yesterday, you said you already knew how he felt about you. What'd you mean?"

"Nothing, Ranma. I don't want to talk about it."

"All right, but if you _do_ want to..."

She nodded silently.

* * *

As a martial artist, Ranma enjoyed working out more than anything else. As such, he couldn't have been more thankful as he sat on the athletic field for gym class. The approving applause following his movements on the uneven bars boosted him further. Then, things got weird.

"Saotome, right?" a classmate said. "I'm Daisuke and he's Hiroshi. That was amazing." Hiroshi nodded. "Yeah, is it true you studied gymnastics in China?" he asked. "_Martial arts,_" Ranma replied forcefully. "I trained in China for martial arts, moving like that is part of the territory." His gaze moved to the opposite end of the athletic field, where the girl's gym class was playing softball. He watched Akane make an amazing grab of a line drive, and started to become mesmerized by the sight. 'She's fast,' he thought, 'a_nd_ she can hit... those uniforms sure show off a lot... Akane sure looks good in hers.' "So level with us, Saotome," Daisuke said, shaking Ranma from his trance, "how far have you got with Akane?" "Yeah," Hiroshi chimed, "you're her fiancée, right?" Ranma continued his one-man staring contest. "No, we're not really that close," he muttered. Hiroshi and Daisuke joined Ranma in watching Akane's movements. "Man, she's cute," Daisuke said.

"She sure is," Ranma replied.

It was because he was staring directly at Akane, and not "in her direction", that he failed to notice the foul ball she hit directly at him... until, that is, it impacted his face, leaving him sprawled on his back. "Hey, Saotome," Hiroshi said. "You do martial arts. How'd you not see that coming?" "I was watching something better," Ranma replied.

* * *

Ranma and Akane walked alongside the aqueduct, Ranma rubbing his swollen cheek. "I'm really sorry," Akane said. "Does it still hurt?"

"Yes, and stop apologizing. I told you it's okay; it was an accident."

Akane nodded.

Ranma smirked. "Since we're engaged, does this count as domestic violence?"

Akane giggled. "Shut up, Ranma."

"You know, Kuno wouldn't be very happy with you if he found out you beat up his 'goddess'. He might even stop stalking you!"

Akane laughed. "He'd think we were fighting over him. He'd probably think it was the greatest thing ever!"

Ranma stopped. "Do you think he'd pay money for a video of something like that?"

Akane shook her head, putting a hand over her eyes. "Ranma?"

"Hm?"

"Shut up."

They stopped in front of Dr. Tofu's clinic, wide-eyed at the sight of a familiar panda sweeping the front walk. "Pop?" Ranma asked. Genma waved as Tofu stepped out from inside. "Akane!" he said. "And you must be Ranma. It's nice to meet you." The four of them went to the exam room, where Ranma hopped onto the examination table. Tofu squinted at Ranma's red cheek. "What happened to your face, Ranma?" he asked. "Baseball accident," Ranma replied. "I have a balm that would be perfect for that," Tofu said. "Let me go get it."

A sudden ring from the phone made everyone jump. "Mr. Saotome," Tofu called, "can you get that?" Genma picked up the phone, listened for a second, then held up a sign: 'OOPS. PANDA'S CAN'T TALK' "Then why did you answer it, genius?" Ranma asked, rolling his eyes. Akane took the phone. "Hello, Dr. Tofu's office," she said. "Uh huh. Okay, I'll tell him." She hung the phone up, looking at the floor, before quickly grabbing her school bag. "I'm going home," she said, racing out the door.

Ranma jumped off of the table and chased after her, catching her in the lobby and grabbing her by the arm. "Hey, what's the matter?" he asked. She pulled her arm free, but didn't run. "Nothing, Ranma," she answered. "I just remembered that... I need to be home." Ranma looked at her skeptically. "Bullshit," he said, "now tell me what's up." Akane sighed. "What you asked me earlier," she said slowly, "about knowing how Dr. Tofu feels... there's another girl that Dr. Tofu likes. That was her on the phone. She's on her way over."

Ranma nodded. "I see," he said. "Well, look. If you want to go, that's fine. I can catch up to you at home. But it seems to me, that if Tofu likes somebody else, maybe you ought to give up on him." Akane stiffened; Ranma continued. "It sucks when somebody doesn't like you back, but if it's never gonna happen, you're not going to be able to change anything." Akane looked at the doors uncertainly. Tofu stuck his head out of the exam room. "There you two are," he said. "Ready for me to take a look at your cheek, Ranma?" Ranma turned toward the exam room, but stopped, looking at Akane expectantly. She sighed and followed him in.

Ranma sat on the exam table while Tofu pulled a chair over. He looked closely at Ranma's cheek. "That baseball impression," he said, musing. "Akane hit this, didn't she?"

"How can you tell?" Ranma asked, surprised.

"Just look at the bruising around the edges... the impressions from the stitch marks."

"Heh. I guess it would have been a home run if you'd have hit it straight, huh, Akane?"

Akane stared at the floor, while Tofu stopped smiling. "Oh... Akane," Tofu said, "I didn't know you _really_ hit that ball! I was only joking!" Akane continued her study of the floor tiles. "Well, what's wrong with being active?" Tofu asked helpfully. "It just means you're healthy." Ranma looked at the ceiling. "Some guys think active girls are cuter," he said, looking down to see a surprised Akane meeting his gaze.

"Dr. Tofu!" a familiar voice called from the lobby. Kasumi walked into the room, carrying a book and a plateful of something Ranma couldn't see. Tofu's glasses instantly fogged. "Oh, h- h- hi, Kasumi!" he exclaimed, a little too excited. He gave Ranma's head a twist, causing a sickening crack to echo through the room. Ranma tried to scream in agony, but the pain was too much. "What was that cracking sound?" Kasumi asked, concerned. "What sound?" Tofu asked, looking at Genma.

Akane jumped to her feet. "I have to go!" she said quickly, rushing from the room. "What's the matter with her?" Kasumi asked. "We could have gone home together." Ranma understood— not only did Akane like someone who didn't like her back, but that someone happened to like her sister. The current position of his head kept this at the back of his mind, however. He tried to move his head back with his own hands, but had no luck. "Doctor... Dr. Tofu... please... somebody..." he whispered in agony. Tofu was so out of it, not only did he not hear Ranma, but he didn't seem to know where they even were. "Screw it," Ranma said. "I'll get this fixed when he's acting normal again." He stood and walked unsteadily out of the room. 'How does Kasumi not notice the way he acts?' he wondered.

Ranma crept around the Tendo house, listening for any sign of Akane. He was about to go upstairs when he heard a smashing sound from outside. Slipping out the door, he saw Akane in the yard smashing blocks. He could hear an occasional sob come from her in between punches. He quietly walked up behind her, sticking his head into her view and making what he hoped was a funny face. She turned away. "Akane, you alright?" he said quietly. Akane's shoulders shook as another sob escaped. He put a hand on her back. "Want to talk about it?" he asked. She turned to look at him. She smiled weakly at his goofy appearance, and grabbed his head, twisting it back into position. "_Thank you!_" he cried, relieved. He rubbed his neck, turning his head and relishing its ability to move properly. "Does he always get like that?" he asked. Akane nodded sadly. "So, it's Kasumi he likes, huh?" he said. Akane looked away, putting a hand over her mouth.

"Well, you know what it is?" Ranma mused. "Tofu doesn't want a martial artist; he wants a housewife. _That's_ why he likes Kasumi. I'd imagine he doesn't like the idea of fixing his wife's injuries." He looked at Akane for a reaction, but got none. He continued. "I dunno. Me personally, I'd rather have a girl that fights. Somebody strong, y'know? Nothing against Kasumi, but if I were engaged to her, I wouldn't be getting much backup." Akane chuckled through her tears. Ranma smiled. "There, you're sounding a little better already," he said. She looked at him again, wiping her eyes. Ranma reached toward her and rubbed her arm. "He just doesn't know what to look for in women, that's all," he said. "No offense to Kasumi." Akane smiled weakly, not entirely over the last hour's events.

"All right, I'm going inside," Ranma said. "Come talk if you want." He walked back into he house. Akane picked up a block, setting it in front of her. She raised her fist up, stopped, and dropped her arm back to her side. She tossed the block aside and walked toward the door.

* * *

_A/N: If I were Ranma, I wouldn't have said the things that caused Akane to beat him like a red-headed stepchild. Pun intended. Ergo, there was no sensible way to include the second Tofu visit where he knocks Ranma's back out. Sorry if you liked that scene, I did too, but it just wouldn't fit, so it's not here. Thanks for the good reviews, alerts, and favs so far!_


	3. From PChan to Bacobits

_A/N: In this chapter, I'm moving from just making Ranma a little bit nicer to actually acting like _I _do. You may find this one interesting._

* * *

A scene was unfolding at the Tendo house. Specifically, Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane were looking at the roof of their house as one might watch a cat that is stuck in a tree. It wasn't a cat that they were watching, however; it was a half-naked Ranma, in girl form.

"No!" Ranma yelled from where she sat. "No way! If you want me to stay girl for a while then fine, but I am _not_ putting on Akane's clothes!" Akane turned to her sisters. "Yeah, why does it have to be _my_ clothes?" she asked. "He's _your_ fiancée," Nabiki replied. "Please, Ranma," Kasumi pleaded, "it will only be for a little while! All of your clothes are in the wash!" Ranma was adamant. "No!" she screamed. "And unless someone _else_ in this house is capable of climbing on the roof, I don't see how you're going to make me!"

Nabiki shook her head. "Your fiancée has to make everything difficult, doesn't he, Akane?" she asked. "You thought this was going to be easy?" Akane retorted. They looked up at the red-faced Ranma, still sitting in the same spot. "I can get the garden hose out!" Nabiki called up to her. "I can flash your neighbors from here!" Ranma called back mockingly. Kasumi and Akane blanched, while Nabiki was unconvinced. "You're bluffing!" she called. "Don't you dare!" Akane shouted. "I think the sweet old lady on the next street could use a shock," Ranma shouted, rising. "Ranma, please!" Kasumi shouted, wringing her hands.

"When this old world starts getting me down... and people are just too much, for me to fa-ace... _up on the roof!_" Ranma sang at the top of her lungs, skipping across the roof as she slowly lifted the towel covering her chest by a couple of inches. Akane had a solution, however. Just as Ranma turned to snicker at the Tendo sisters, a rock pegged her in the forehead, knocking her to the ground below.

Ranma awoke to Kasumi sponging her head with a damp cloth. The memory of the rock colliding with her face slowly filtered back, which explained the throbbing pain she was feeling. She looked up at Kasumi. "I'm in girls' clothes, aren't I?" she asked. "Sorry," Kasumi replied. Ranma painfully lifted her head to look around the room; she was laying on the main room table, and Nabiki and Akane were watching. Nabiki looked smug; Akane looked furious. 'Super,' Ranma thought.

Kasumi rose. "I have to finish hanging the laundry," she said. "Call me if you need anything." "Thanks, Kasumi," Ranma answered. She looked at the two remaining sisters. "Hey Nabiki, could you leave us alone for a minute?" she asked. Nabiki stood. "Fine, but keep in mind, you had it coming," she said as she left. Ranma looked at Akane. "I'm going to take a wild guess that the rock came from you," she said. Akane glared at her.

"What did you expect? You were about to flash half the neighborhood!"

"Oh, come on, I was kidding! You really thought I'd expose myself where everybody could see?"

"Well, you'd better not expect an apology. As far as I knew, you were serious."

Ranma sat up with difficulty. "Fine," she muttered, "but dressing like a girl had better be sufficient revenge that you aren't going to be mad at me all day." She examined the girly clothes she'd been dressed in: pink overalls with the word "China" across the boobs, and a yellow shirt. Yuck... Akane actually wore this crap? They were loose in the waist and tight in the chest, which Ranma knew better than to mention. "Is this stuff yours?" she asked. Akane softened. "Yeah," she replied, "do they fit okay?" Ranma moved the loose fabric around her hips. "My girl form never did have any hips," she said, "but otherwise they're all right." Akane brightened. "Well see?" she said. "It's not so bad, is it?" "It's more the principle," Ranma replied. "Being turned into a girl was pretty traumatic; being dressed in pink doesn't make it feel any better."

Akane looked at her sadly. "That curse is pretty hard to deal with, huh?" she asked. "Yeah," Ranma replied. "I used to like swimming. Now, I have to change in advance and dress as a girl, and not get near any warm water while I'm there. It pretty much runs my life." Akane nodded, and they sat in silence. Ranma broke the tension. "So, Akane," she asked nonchalantly, "ever fantasized about being with another woman?" "What?" Akane sputtered, her eyes widening to inhuman proportions (even for an anime character). "Well, that's kind of a perk of this curse," Ranma continued plainly. "I can be either at will. Unless we're doing it in water." Akane chuckled and shook her head. "Shut up, Ranma," she said.

Ranma smirked. "You know, just because I hate my girl form doesn't mean I haven't paid attention to it," the redhead said seductively. "I know _exactly_ what works. Find another guy with that kind of knowledge." Akane reddened; Ranma chuckled.

* * *

Ranma and Akane left Furinkan after another day of school. Fortunately for Ranma, his head had quit aching before the morning; Mondays were bad enough as it was. He'd now been in Nerima for two weeks, and thankfully things had calmed down quite a bit. Sure, he still had to hide his female form from Kuno, but at least he got to laugh as Akane flattened the dimwitted upperclassman.

And, of course, Ranma had never once referred to Kuno by that title.

"Hey, Akane," Ranma asked. "You feel like hanging out in the park for a little bit?" Akane smiled. "Sure," she answered. They'd gone on walks together a few times in the past couple of weeks. It was Ranma's method of hitting on... ahem... getting to know Akane a little bit better. He wasn't sure where he stood with her, but he was going to try regardless. Aside from the fact that he was actually starting to like her, he'd yet to come up with any way to stop their fathers' wedding dreams, and making little Ranmas with Akane was starting to look like an inevitability.

Ranma suddenly sensed danger. He stopped and reached out to stop Akane. Looking up, he saw someone flying down on him. "Prepare to die!" the mystery man screamed, as he drove the point of an umbrella into the sidewalk in front of them. Ranma and Akane jumped back as the attacker looked at Ranma. "You haven't changed, Ranma," he said. "You're still good at running away." Ranma recognized the boy... vaguely. "Someone you know?" Akane asked. "I'm working on it," Ranma replied. The boy spoke. "Just tell me one thing, Ranma," he said. "Why did you run away from our fight?"

"That's it!" Ranma cried. "Ryoga Hibiki! You were in my class at my old school!" "Answer my question!" Ryoga screamed. Ranma shook his head. "I waited for you for all night. We were supposed to fight, I was there at the time we agreed. A whole day went by, you didn't show, and I left." Ryoga fumed.

"I arrived three days after that, and you weren't there! Ran away!"

"Three days? It was the lot behind your house! How the hell does it take four days to walk a hundred feet?"

"Do you think I went out for a stroll? I went through hell to get there! And you broke a vow between men and went to China with your father!"

"So, what? You're here to finish our fight?"

"Finish, nothing! This is revenge!"

Ryoga opened his umbrella and threw it at Ranma, spinning like a top. It missed badly, but managed to spin back to Ryoga's hand. "Whatever it takes, Ranma... I will destroy your happiness!" he said. Ranma was thoroughly confused. "Revenge for what?" he asked. "This sure seems serious to him," Akane whispered. "You really don't remember anything happening between you two?"

Ranma thought hard. He remembered just as Ryoga charged; he sidestepped Ryoga's attack and stood to face him. "The bread?" he asked incredulously. "Bread?" Akane asked. "I went to an all-boys middle school, and meal time was pretty cutthroat," he explained. "If you wanted something good, it was first-come, first-served. I beat Ryoga to lunch every day." He looked at Ryoga. "Please, for the love of God, tell me that is not why you've hunted me down," he said.

Ryoga looked ready to murder Ranma. "Don't play dumb," he said. "You know what this is about!" He struck at Ranma, who dodged. "If I knew, I wouldn't be asking, numbnuts!" Ranma said. Ryoga launched another strike, missed, and landed behind Ranma and Akane. He looked around, confused. "He gets lost so easily, he doesn't know where we are," Ranma whispered to Akane. Ryoga ran into the building. Ranma turned. "He'll be lost for a while," Ranma said. "Let's go."

* * *

Ranma, with red hair, boobs, and sans schwanz, sat on the porch overlooking the koi pond. Akane sat next to her. "You can't think of any other reason he'd be mad at you?" Akane asked. "No," Ranma replied. "It must be something big, but I have no frickin' idea. Maybe pop did something to him. I dunno." Kasumi leaned out the door, holding an envelope. "Ranma," she said, "a letter came for you. It's from some named 'Hibiki'." Ranma took the letter and opened it. "A challenge," Ranma said as she scanned the paper. "The date was yesterday, but with the way Ryoga is, it could be weeks before he shows up. Says to find him at the Furinkan football field, so I'll just keep an eye out for him."

Akane looked at the challenge. "Is he any good?" she asked.

"Doesn't seem to be very fast"

"You don't think he could beat you, do you?"

Ranma looked at her intently. "Akane!" Akane jumped. "If you ever suggest that someone can beat me, I'm throwing you in the koi pond."

Akane giggled. "I was just asking! So you are going to fight him when he shows up?"

Ranma nodded. "Have to. I never turn down a challenge."

Ranma stood. "I guess I ought to put in some extra practice, just to make the whole thing go faster."

"What, you need some work if you're going to take on the great Ryoga?"

Ranma stared ahead for a moment before grabbing Akane by the sleeve. "That's it. You're going in the koi pond."

"Don't you dare!"

"I warned you."

"Ranma!"

Akane wrenched her arm away, laughing. Ranma stuck her tongue out at her. "I'm getting some hot water," Ranma said. "I want to train for this in the form I'll be fighting in." She walked back into the house.

* * *

It was a week before Ryoga appeared, wandering onto the football field just in time to take a football to the head. After the last class, Ranma made his way out to where Ryoga stood. He wasn't particularly worried about the fight; he was more irritated that he had to deal with Ryoga in the first place.

"Ryoga," he said, "for the last time, will you tell me what you're so pissed off about?" Ryoga stared at him. "Because of you," he replied, "I've been through hell!" Ranma rubbed his temples. "Because you got lost?" he asked. "You can't blame that on me! I didn't tell you to hunt me down!"

Ryoga pointed his umbrella at Ranma. "Enough talking!" he cried. He lunged forward with the umbrella, which Ranma easily dodged. He took several more swipes; Ranma simply bent out of the way to avoid them. He knew exactly what he was doing: First, Ryoga was going to wear himself out at this rate. Second, Ryoga was getting angrier with each miss, which was going to loosen his concentration. Ranma dodged a few more swings. Another ten minutes of this, and he'd have Ryoga down with one hit.

Ryoga opened his umbrella and spun it at Ranma, which Ranma was also able to jump away from. As he jumped, however, Ryoga caught him by surprise, pulling a bandanna from his head and flinging it onto Ranma's wrist, tying them together. "This should keep you from running away!" Ryoga yelled. Ranma seethed. "I didn't run away, dumbass!" he cried. Ryoga took their close proximity as a chance to throw punches and kicks, but Ranma also blocked these attempts, much to Ryoga's dismay.

A yell from the side startled him. "Ranma!" he heard Akane yell. "Don't get too close to him! Stay out of his reach!" 'Why?' Ranma thought. 'He's not fast enough to get a hit on me!' Ryoga did get a hit in, however, as the momentary distraction allowed a punch to get close enough to cut his cheek. Ranma wiped his face. 'All right,' he thought, 'enough waiting. Next opening he gives me, I'm taking!'

"Ranma!" Akane yelled again. "He has the strength of a monster!" Ryoga chuckled. "Looks like you've found out, a little too late!" he yelled. He threw a punch, but Ranma dodged, darting between his legs and pulling sharply on the bandanna, forcing Ryoga to his knees. Ranma jumped back and landed on Ryoga's head, driving his face into the dirt. "No, I think I know enough already," he retorted.

Ryoga glared up at him. "How dare you push me to my knees!" he screamed, putting a palm on the ground and lifting the two of them with one arm. Ranma was shocked at Ryoga's strength, but he knew that strength alone wasn't enough to win a fight. Ryoga launched them into the air and threw several kicks, but Ranma blocked them, before landing one of his own. The stunned Ryoga was thrown off-balance, and as Ranma got back to the ground, he launched a hard kick directly to Ryoga's face. The force was enough to rip the bandanna from Ranma's wrist, separating the two and allowing Ryoga to fly skyward.

Ryoga soared in an arc and landed on his back at the sideline of the field. Ranma launched a flying kick at him, but Ryoga spun away, managing to retrieve his umbrella in the process. He spun the umbrella at Ranma; Ranma managed to dodge, but it came close enough to cut like a razor across the front of his shirt. "Thank God I'm male," he muttered. Ryoga stood, allowing his umbrella to return to his grasp. "You cut my favorite shirt!" Ranma shouted. Ryoga laughed. "You sound like a girl!" he sneered.

Ranma saw red. Not literally, but you know what I mean. "Don't you ever call me a girl!" he screamed, throwing a roundhouse kick at Ryoga which launched the lost boy over the nearest fence, off of school grounds, and into a neighboring park. Ranma sprang after him. Ryoga barely had time to land before a second kick from Ranma launched him again. He landed and barely managed to dodge a third kick from Ranma. Unfortunately, by missing Ryoga, Ranma propelled himself straight into a drinking fountain. Ryoga opened his umbrella to stop the water, but Ranma flew directly through it. The now-female Ranma jumped back and squared off with Ryoga, too amped to realize the change that had just taken place.

"Come on and fight me, Ryoga!" the readhead cried. Ryoga stood, dumbfounded. "Who the hell are you?" he asked. Ranma launched a kick at Ryoga's head; the lost boy was too confused to even see it coming, allowing Ranma to flatten him. He looked up at the readhead with the torn, and now very revealing, shirt. "Ranma?" he asked. "Who the hell did you think it was, numbnuts?" Ranma shouted back. Just then, the crowd from the school caught up with them, with Akane at the front. "Ranma, your shirt!" she yelled. Ranma looked down, realized the situation, and quickly covered up. She looked at the wide-eyed Ryoga. "Whine all you want about what I supposedly did to you," she said, "but you'll never experience anything like what _I've _been through. I live every day of my life with this curse. You have no idea."

Ryoga chuckled. "Curse?" he said. "Since when is looking like _that_ a curse?" He pulled several bandannas from his head, spinning them with one hand. "Your whining makes me sick!" he yelled, throwing the bandannas, which Ranma immediately realized were razor-sharp. "Akane!" she yelled, jumping and pinning Akane to the ground, covering her as the bandannas flew overhead. Akane jumped to her feet. "I'll get you some hot water!" she said, breaking into a run. "No! Stop!" Ranma yelled. The bandannas flew in a circle, directly toward Akane. She was saved last-minute when she tripped over a tree branch, the bandannas flying close enough to slice two cuts through her dress. Ranma ran to her and picked her up.

Ryoga threw his closed umbrella like a spear directly at the pair. Ranma kicked it down, grabbing and opening it as more bandannas bounced off of it. She picked up Akane and jumped, landing atop a gazebo roof some distance away. They held eachother for a moment after they landed, catching their breath. Akane's scent was almost enough to make Ranma forget about the fight they were in. "Akane, you okay?" she whispered, still keeping Akane close. "Yeah, I'm okay," Akane replied. They released one another.

"He throws his weapons wild. It's really dangerous to be a spectator. I'll go back and fight him, but please, just get away and stay away."

"But you can't beat him as a girl! Let me at least bring a kettle back!"

"Yes I _can_ beat him as a girl! He's stronger than me but I'm faster, and changing to a girl makes me weaker but even faster than before. He could barely get close to me when I was a guy."

"Please, Ranma, I want to help."

"Akane, no. No way. If something happened to you because of a fight I'm in..."

They sat in silence. After a moment, the roof shook under them. "What the..." Ranma said, before the roof tilted, throwing the pair to the ground. They looked up at Ryoga, who had cut a support out from the gazebo. Ranma shoved Akane away. "Akane, go!" she screamed. "Run!"

Akane jumped up and ran, as Ranma jumped at Ryoga. She landed a kick on Ryoga's arm, knocking away the hardened bandanna that Ryoga had apparently cut the gazebo with. To her horror, it spun straight toward Akane. "Akane! Look out!" she screamed. Akane turned just in time for the bandanna to whiz past, missing anything vital, but shearing her hair off just above the ribbon. She stood, in shock and motionless. After a moment, she slowly reached a hand up to feel the back of her head where her hair now stopped.

Ranma ran toward Akane, wrapping her in a bear hug. "Akane, I'm so sorry," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry. I knew something bad would happen. I knew it. I'm so sorry." She released her hug and took Akane's head in her hands. "It'll be okay, I promise," she said. Akane closed her eyes and nodded sadly. Ranma hugged her again. "I'm sorry, Akane," she whispered, "this is all my fault."

Ryoga walked up to them. Ranma was instantly aware of his presence. She released Akane and walked slowly to Ryoga. Her blood started to boil as she looked at him; her face matched her hair, and if one looked closely enough, it was almost as if there were a red aura surrounding her like flames.

_(A/N: Hee hee. It's just like later in the series.)_

Ranma stood, looking into Ryoga's eyes long enough for Ryoga to become uncomfortable, before flattening him with a kick and standing on his throat as he lay gasping. "You want a fight, you got it," she said. "After school, tomorrow. Get your final affairs in order." She stepped off and ran back to Akane. The walked away as Ryoga struggled to his feet. Akane limped. "Ow," she muttered. "I must have twisted my ankle falling." Ranma scooped her up and carried her. "We'll stop by Dr. Tofu's," she replied. "Stop at home first," Akane said.

* * *

Ranma set Akane down on the step of the Tendo house, opening the door for her. They wandered into the kitchen, where Kasumi was preparing dinner. "Kasumi?" Akane said quietly. Kasumi turned and saw Akane's new do. She threw her arms in the air, tossing the frying pan she was using. Ranma dove to catch it and its contents. "Your... your hair!" Kasumi stammered. "What happened?"

Ranma looked up, frightened to admit that Akane was almost killed in a fight between she and Ryoga. "I tried to cut it, and... I guess I kinda messed it up," Akane said. "Do you think you could even it out for me?"

* * *

Ranma hurriedly bathed and located a shirt without a window. By the time the now-male Ranma got back downstairs, Kasumi had resumed cooking. "She went to see Dr. Tofu," Kasumi told him, "she hurt her ankle." He raced off to find her.

Ranma ran along the walls surrounding the yards of the neighborhood, searching desperately for Akane. He spotted a girl of the right age walking ahead of him. "Akane!" he yelled, jumping and landing in front of her, only to find it wasn't her. "Oh, sorry, I thought you were somebody else," he said. "And just who were you looking for?" a familiar voice replied. Ranma looked closer, shocked to see that it was indeed Akane. He'd thought she was decently cute before, but now... he couldn't believe how beautiful she looked with her hair like that. "Wow... Akane..." he stammered. She looked down. "It looks different, doesn't it?" she asked.

Ranma took her hand. "Akane, I'm so sorry about all of this," he said. She shook her head. "Don't feel bad, Ranma, I'd been meaning to cut it anyway," she said. She started walking. "How's your ankle?" Ranma asked. "Do you want me to carry you?" "No, I can make it," she replied.

They arrived at Dr. Tofu's clinic. Tofu was momentarily taken aback at the sight of Akane. "Your hair's short again!" he said. 'Again?' Ranma thought. Tofu led Akane into the exam room, where she sat and removed her shoe. Tofu examined her ankle. "Just a light sprain," he said, "it'll heal in no time." Akane looked at the ceiling, and back down at Tofu. "Dr. Tofu... do you like my hair?" she asked. Tofu smiled. "It looks very cute on you," he said, in a tone reminiscent of a parent addressing a five-year-old. Ranma visibly winced. "Short hair always did suit you better," Tofu continued. Akane smiled, as tears started to come to her eyes. Tofu noticed. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said, "is it hurting?" Akane shook her head. "No, it's not that," she answered. "This is so embarrassing... they just won't stop."

Tofu sat next to her. "Talk to me," he said gently. She looked at him and broke into uncontrollable sobs, holding his shirt as she whimpered. Genma, sweeping up the lobby in panda form, stopped in order to mimicking crying, eliciting a hard punch from Ranma. "I hate comedians," he muttered.

* * *

Akane was much more upbeat on the walk home. "Nothing like a good cry," she said. Ranma nodded. "You know," he said, "Dr. Tofu called you cute. Your dream guy. Something to be happy about, right?" Akane sighed. "It doesn't matter any more," she replied.

"Doesn't matter?"

"He likes Kasumi. Not me. I guess I finally see it. I guess... I'm finally over him."

Ranma nodded. "You're not going to start liking Kuno on the rebound, are you? Because I don't think he's a very good choice."

Akane giggled. "Not in a million years!"

"Glad to hear it. You know, Dr. Tofu was right. Your hair does look cute like that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, you were cute before, but you really look amazing with your hair short."

Akane blushed. "Wow, thanks.

They walked in silence for a moment. "Hey, Ranma?"

"Yeah?"

"The way you were acting earlier... you really care about me, don't you?"

It was Ranma's turn to blush. "Yeah."

"Why?"

Ranma's redness deepened. "Well, I mean... I've got to know you better since I got here, and we've been getting along really good. I'd been thinking... maybe pop lucked out with this hair-brained scheme."

"You don't think being forced to marry me is a bad thing any more?"

"I haven't met anybody else I'd rather marry."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Ranma?"

"Hm?"

Ranma was surprised by lips suddenly meeting his, and Akane's arms finding their way around his neck. Once he got his wits about him, he held her back, closing his eyes and getting lost in his first kiss.

Okay, so Genma got lucky. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

* * *

A soaking wet and female Ranma climbed out of the koi pond, just like every morning, after the sparring match with his (or, currently, her) father. Of course, Ranma's mind had been a bit more occupied today. He hadn't seen much of Akane last night after they got home— Akane went with Kasumi to a late run to the market, while Ranma went to the dojo, where working out gave him time to replay the day's events in his mind. And, of course, to daydream about living out his years as a martial arts instructor with Akane as his wife.

Ranma found herself thinking about it again, and shook her head. That was getting ahead of things. They hadn't even had a chance to talk about their... relationship, assuming it was one. By the time Akane had returned the night before, they were both about ready for bed. Of course, a quick meeting in the hallway had led to an awkward goodnight kiss, but still... Ranma felt goosebumps, thinking they were caused by the memories of yesterday, and not the wet gi she was still wearing. Time for a hot bath.

* * *

Ranma, now masculine, headed for the main room. As nice as breakfast was sounding, what he was really hoping for was to see Akane. If he didn't catch her alone this morning, there wouldn't be any time until after school, and, unless he'd gotten lost overnight, Ryoga was due to be killed and skinned right about that time.

Ranma heard a foot on the step, and looked up to see Akane coming down toward him. She smiled broadly and turned fifty shades of red at the same time. Ranma squeezed his hands into fists and released them; he felt a million times more nervous than any fight had ever made him. They stood at the base of the steps, silent and red as one of Ranma's shirts, staring at the floor as if it were the most interesting thing in Nerima at that moment.

"H-hey," Ranma whispered. "Hey," Akane answered. More silence. Ranma heard the sound of Kasumi setting plates down on the table. He couldn't believe how nervous he was, but he also knew that he had a limited time window if anything was going to happen before Kasumi called them for breakfast. He wasn't particularly good at these things, and it wasn't looking like Akane was, either. He nervously reached a hand out and took Akane's. For the first time since spotting eachother, they peeled their eyes from the floor to look at one another.

Surely, there must have been _some_ movement that occurred. After all, there had been a few inches in between them where they were standing. Ranma found himself unable to remember it, however. As far as he could tell, the next second or two disappeared from the time-space continuum. He'd have to ask the others about it later. The next thing he was aware of was being in a lip-lock with Akane, their arms around eachother, as though they were married and hadn't seen eachother in a year. Of course, when you're sixteen there's little difference. They held eachother tight, Ranma being driven crazy by Akane's scent. It was probably just her shampoo, but that didn't matter to him. After what seemed like an eternity, they stopped for air, breathing deeply while they rested their foreheads together, eyes closed.

They nearly jumped out of their skin when they heard a footstep above them. They looked to the top of the steps, where a very smug Nabiki was watching with some interest. She came down the steps to the pair. "Oh, poor Kuno, he's losing both of his loves," she said with mock sincerity. She studied the couple, who still had their arms around eachother. "So am I to understand that we're liking the idea of being engaged?" she asked innocently. Ranma and Akane blushed as they buried their faces in one another.

Nabiki smiled. "Oh, father and Mr. Saotome are going to be drunk for days with _this_ celebration," she said flatly. Akane and Ranma's heads shot up, as they stared at eachother wide-eyed. "This is going to be a big deal to them," Akane said. Ranma nodded. "Maybe we ought to hide it," he suggested. Nabiki laughed out loud. "Like they're not going to find out!" she said. Akane grabbed Nabiki's arm. "Don't say anything," she said, "we'll figure something out." Nabiki shook her head. "No problem," she said as she walked away, "this whole thing is going to be entertaining."

Akane looked at Ranma. "We should say something, shouldn't we?" she asked. Ranma nodded. "Let's go in and tell them," he replied. Then he stopped. "So... I guess we're officially a couple then, huh?" he asked. Akane smiled and hugging him tight.

They walked quietly into the main room, surveying the scene. Genma, a wet, smelly panda, sat at the table, along with Soun and Nabiki, who instantly began making kissy faces at the pair. Ranma took Akane's hand. He was about to clear his throat when Kasumi entered with a dish, immediately noticing them standing hand-in-hand. How she managed to set the dish on the table without removing her eyes from Ranma and Akane was anyone's guess, but her stare was enough to draw Genma and Soun's attention to the pair. As expected, they smiled to inhuman proportions and began dancing around the room. Soun calling for sake; Kasumi reminded him that it was seven in the morning. Kasumi gave them each a hug, and the four young people sat down to breakfast, doing their best to ignore Soun dancing around the garden with a panda.

Ranma and Akane walked to school, hand in hand. It was a new experience for both of them— Akane had always rejected any boy that came around, and Ranma hadn't had time for girlfriends, even if he'd been interested in any. They stole the occasional glance at one another as they walked, their minds racing with thoughts of what the future would be like. Ranma prayed that his curse wouldn't be passed down to children. If one of his kids came out with red hair, he was putting it back in. They caught sight of the gates to Furinkan. "You ready for this?" Ranma asked. Akane nodded. "Let's get it over with," she said.

* * *

Ranma stood at the sideline of the football field with Akane, staring down Ryoga, who had (magically) arrived on time. 'He must have camped out in the park,' Ranma thought. Ranma had been doing his best to get his mind on the fight. Obviously he'd been thinking about Akane... a lot... but he'd also been dealing with a lot of staring and whispering. You'd think that his first-day lie about their love would have made the other students expect this, but people still took to it like paparazzi.

Ranma gave Akane's hand a squeeze. "Just wait for me here," he said. "This shouldn't take long." They kissed, and he walked out to face Ryoga. He stared at the lost boy, who returned his stare with a smirk. "Defending your woman's honor, Saotome?" he asked mockingly. Ranma stood stone-faced. "Yes," he answered plainly. The smile dropped from Ryoga's face, and he thrust with his umbrella. Ranma jumped, dodging the attack. Ryoga stabbed with the umbrella two more times; each time Ranma hopped out of its path. Ryoga opened it and sent it spinning at Ranma, who bent to dodge it without moving his feet. He could see the frustration growing in his opponent, but he had a lot of his own anger to control— after last night, he was not going to hold back against Ryoga. Almost killing the girl that a guy is crazy about isn't exactly a safe move, after all— especially if that guy is Ranma.

"Come on, Saotome, fight me!" Ryoga cried. Ranma smirked. "All right," he said, "but I have a weapon of my own." Ranma reached behind his back and pulled out his 'weapon', which was nothing more than a three-foot section of black steel pipe. If you didn't know any better, you'd swear that he'd acquired it from the local hardware store. (Actually, he would have, but he'd forgotten to with everything that happened with Akane. Luckily, the shop classroom had some lying around.)

Ryoga stared. "That?" he asked incredulously. "_That's_ your weapon?" Ranma nodded; Ryoga smirked. "I thought you might make this a challenge, Saotome," he said. He flipped the umbrella closed and stabbed at Ranma again, with Ranma dodging. Ranma cocked his arm back, holding the pipe, while Ryoga grabbed his umbrella with both hands, as if to block. Ranma jumped and brought the pipe crashing down. Ryoga held his closed umbrella in the air. They collided with a loud crack, the sound echoing off of the school.

Ryoga stared in shock at his umbrella. Once straight, it now had a substantial bend in the center, by a couple of inches. "R-Ranma," he stammered.

_Thunk!_

The sickening thud echoed off of everything around, as Ranma took Ryoga's pause as an opportunity to lay the pipe against the side of his head. Ryoga dropped, sprawled on the ground on his back, staring up at Ranma in fear. A purple line started to form across the side of his face. Ranma looked down at him coldly. Ryoga grabbed for his bandannas, but Ranma was faster.

_Thunk!_ The pipe crashed down on the top of his head, and Ryoga lay motionless.

Ranma stepped back stabbing the pipe into the ground. He looked over to Akane, who ran out to him. She stared down at Ryoga's prone form. "Is he... dead?" she asked. Ranma looked closely at Ryoga, and watched his chest rise and fall. "No, just knocked out," Ranma replied. Ryoga was showing no sign of waking from his midday slumber, however. "Do you have any cold water?" Ranma asked. "I'm going to try and wake him up. I need to have a little chat with him." Akane fished a water bottle out of her school bag. Ranma opened it, held it over Ryoga's face, and started to pour.

He was so shocked by the sight that he dropped the bottle.

The two of them stood in shock, looking at the black piglet that lay in Ryoga's place. The pieces of the puzzle started to come together in Ranma's mind. "He's cursed," he said. "He followed us to Jusenkyo and fell in. _That's _what he's so mad about." Ranma combined these facts with the near-decapitation of Akane the day before, and he felt the anger start to rise in him. "Ryoga!" he screamed. "What the hell is wrong with you? I didn't make you follow me! It's _your_ fault! _Not mine!_ You almost killed Akane because of your own stupid mistake! You _idiot!_ Argh!" He pulled his foot back to punt Ryoga like a football, but stopped himself, opting instead to grab the pipe and throw it as hard as he could, landing it on the roof of the school.

He picked Ryoga up by one leg. "Let's take him to Dr. Tofu," he said. "We'll change him back on the way."

* * *

Ryoga opened his eyes, to the sight of Ranma standing over him. He started to jump up, with Ranma roughly pushing him back down. "You have a concussion," Ranma said, "and if you rattle your brain you're not going to remember what I'm about to tell you." He stared down at Ryoga, who looked back, somewhat afraid.

"Akane is really important to me," Ranma said. "Some day she's going to be my wife... and you almost cut her head off."

"It was an acc—"

"Shut up! I tried to wake you with water back there. I know you're cursed. It is _not_ my fault you followed us to Jusenkyo. It's definitely not my fault you fell in.* I'm not going to let you hurt the person that means more to me than anyone else I know because you have a grudge against me for something that's your own damn fault. If I ever see you again, they'll be burying you. You'd better get yourself lost on another continent... and stay there."

Ranma stood and walked out of the room. Akane was waiting in the lobby. They left in silence. They reached the aqueduct before anyone spoke. "Ranma?" Akane asked.

"Yeah?"

"I heard what you said."

"Which part?"

"About how much I mean to you."

Ranma blushed. "Yeah, well... when I saw that thing almost cut your head off... I guess I realized how bad it would be if... I didn't have you any more, y'know? I mean... I know we weren't even going together back when that happened, but still..."

Akane leaned on him. "I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, either, Ranma. That's why I wanted to help."

Ranma put an arm around her. "I guess we work best as a team, huh?"

"You bet."

* * *

_A/N: Another chapter down. Sorry if the beating-Ryoga-with-a-pipe was a little dark, but I guess I have some raw violence when I imagine the girl I like almost being decapitated. In the reviews so far, people expressed a concern that this would turn into a WAFF-y piece and would stagnate as a result. If you're one of them, and you're disappointed, don't be! You're forgetting our timeline... isn't it about time for a certain gymnast to show up? And we have a purple-haired Chinese girl on her way to Japan right now. (I'm not planning to write the skating arc. It's a great part of the story, but first, Ranma acts in it about the way I've been writing him acting in the rest of the story, and second, it got started when P-Chan was stolen, and that doesn't exactly work with Akane knowing it's Ryoga and Ranma very willing to turn him into bacon.)_

_So, that's my angle for the next couple of chapters. Instead of being jealous and not admitting it, Akane and Ranma are openly dating while these women hit on him. Is she going to trust him more? Will she be even more jealous? Why am I asking questions like Peter Tomarken doing the greenscreen when they split the Michael Larson episode of PYL in half? You'll find out in the next coming chapters._

_*Yes, it _was_ Ranma's fault, but remember— Ranma found that out from Ryoga. He has no way of knowing that as it is. With their different relationship, it looks like Ranma may never find out his role in Ryoga's cursing. But then again, that's life._


	4. Kodachi the Epitome of Blackness

_A/N: Just to clarify something about the last chapter: my point of this story isn't just to make Ranma a nicer character; I'm writing Ranma's interactions as **I would have done things**. So it's not that Ranma has become more violent because of any factors— if I were Ranma, and I liked somebody that I was friends with, and somebody almost cut their head off because of a beef they have with me, I would have doled out an ass-whooping. It's not that I'm particularly violent, but if you hurt my girl, I'm going to mess your ass up. And, as I said, sorry if it was a bit dark. I gave Ranma a pipe because, if I knew my opponent regularly used weapons, I'd bring one myself. That scene was supposed to portray Ranma being angry beyond normal anger, which was how he managed to mangle Ryoga's umbrella with his first strike. When Ranma spoke to Ryoga for the last time at Tofu's clinic, the idea is that he was so darkly threatening that Ryoga would be afraid to , I decided that Ryoga's frightened enough not to try showing up again, at least not right now, so there was no middle-of-the-night battle._

_Disclaimer: This chapter contains **limes**. Ranma will have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Tendo. *lipbite* So if you might be offended, read something lemony from Obsidians first, so this won't seem so shocking._

* * *

"You're such a sweet girl, I gave you an extra scoop for free!" the vendor said, handing the female Ranma an ice cream cone. "Gee, mister, thanks!" she replied in her bubbliest voice. She walked away, smirking. "Being a girl isn't always bad," she muttered to herself. She was starting to get used to the perks of this curse. Maybe Nabiki's style was rubbing off on her or something. She'd spent some time figuring out how to be cute without having to dress like a girl, and clearly it was working.

As she turned a corner, Ranma heard the sounds of a battle raging. She peeked over a wall to get a look. On the other side were three men with their faces wrapped, standing around a girl in a school uniform. In a flurry, the girl knocked the three men down and proceeded to whip them with a ribbon that she held. Not wanting to get involved, Ranma kept hidden as the girl finally relented, saying something to the group and skipping away. As she continued to watch, she was shocked to see the 'men' unwrap their faces, turning out not to be men at all, but the girls of the Furinkan High gymnastics team. Ranma recognized them from some of her classes. Not knowing what was going on, she decided to find Akane and get her input.

Akane wasn't around when Ranma returned to the Tendo house, but she soon returned, flanked by the girls that Ranma had just witnessed being beaten like red-headed stepchildren. She followed the group to Akane's room. "Akane, we were ambushed... by a girl from St. Hebereke!" one cried. "We need your help," another said through tears, "or we'll have to withdraw from the match!" Akane blinked. "You want me to fill in?" she asked in confusion. "Only in our most important event," the third girl answered. "Martial arts rhythmic gymnastics!"

"Martial arts rhythmic gymnastics?" Ranma asked. "It's the combination of rhythmic gymnastics and martial arts," Akane explained. She turned back to the girls. "I don't know how good I'll be," she said, "but I'll give it a try."

* * *

Akane stood, in karategi, a look of determination on her face. Ranma, now with sausage and without melons, sat against the wall. They were in the dojo, and Akane had initiated a cram session for the competition. "Akane," he said, "do you have any idea how this competition works?" Akane surveyed her tools. "I have an idea," she said, "and I'll get it all together in time for the event." She picked up a pair of clubs, holding one in each hand. She concentrated, took a step, and leaped, spinning as she tossed the clubs. She landed perfectly, while the clubs bounced off of the floor. "Well, your landing was good," Ranma said encouragingly. Akane nodded. She looked back at the tools, picking up a hoop. She jumped, landed, and tried to flip the hoop over herself. She was momentarily stuck, before snapping the hoop in several pieces. Frustrated, she rushed to her tools and grabbed a ribbon-on-a-stick. "Maybe I'll have better luck with this," she said. Another jump, and Akane landed, hogtied from the ribbon. Ranma walked over to her, helping her unwrap herself. "You're still landing good," he said. "Maybe you ought to start by mess with this stuff standing still. Combine the jumps after you get the weapons down."

Akane nodded sadly. Ranma went back to his seat and grabbed a book that was lying next to him. He opened it as he walked back to Akane. "Okay, I picked up a book on martial arts rhythmic gymnastics," he said. "It says... ribbon... get it moving by spinning the stick so that the end of it moves in a circle." Akane moved the stick; the ribbon wobbled. Ranma held the book to her, pointing to a diagram. "No, like this," he said. Akane nodded and tried again, getting the ribbon to start spinning. She beamed. "I got it!" she exclaimed. "Okay," Ranma said, "now if you snap the stick, it ought to make the ribbon strike." Akane flipped her hand; the end of the ribbon snapped. Ranma put a hand on her shoulder and kissed her cheek. "Beautiful," he said.

They worked for another few hours. Akane was rough, sure, but by the time they quit for the night, she was managing to catch everything standing still. Considering that they had a week until the competition, and this was day one, they felt pretty good about her progress. Akane hung the clubs and ribbon on the wall. "You spend this much time at it tomorrow," Ranma said, putting an arm around her, "and you'll have this competition for sure." She kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks for the help," she whispered.

Akane headed to the bath, while Ranma headed to the kitchen for a late snack. Actually, where he _wanted_ to be going was in the bath with Akane, but seeing as they'd only been together for a couple of weeks now, he was afraid to ask. It wasn't like they'd gone _that_ far anyway; not that Ranma was opposed to the idea, but they lived in a house where alone time was scarce. They were lucky if they got an hour of makeout time a week.

He rummaged through the refrigerator, and was pleased to find a castella topped with Azuki bean paste. 'I _knew_ Kasumi was baking!' he thought, cutting a piece. He wandered into the hallway, eating, when he heard a loud thump from the ceiling above. He looked up in concern, swallowing the last of his food and rushing upstairs to Akane's door.

He knocked. "Akane, everything okay?" he asked, opening the door a crack and peeking in. His eyes were met with a miniature disaster area: the room was covered with black rose petals, and Akane was standing, panting, and staring at the open window. Ranma entered and put a hand on her shoulder, making her jump. She sighed in relief and buried her head in his chest. "My competitor decided to pay me a visit," she said. Ranma nodded, looking at the black petals. "Unless that whole school likes black roses, it's the same chick I saw beating up your classmates," he replied. A thought occurred to him. "I wonder if she's still hanging around," he said. "Wait here."

He darted out the window and jumped up to the roof, looking around the yard. Everything seemed quiet; the only sound he could hear was the rustling of the trees as a breeze blew. The moon was bright, and none of the shadows seemed to be moving in ways that they shouldn't. He was about to head back inside, when he heard feet land on the roof behind him. He spun around to find himself face-to-face with Kodachi. While he'd seen her before, this was her first sighting of _him_ (as far as he knew), and he did _not_ like the look she was giving him. He couldn't tell if she planned to steal him away from Akane as part of her competition, or she just found him that attractive, but she had a look in her eyes like an animal in heat. One thing was certain: he was not the slightest bit aroused. He knew a crazy chick when he saw one. She approached him.

"Please, sir," she said seductively, "may I have your name?" Ranma considered lying, but figured she'd find out anyway. "Ranma Saotome," he replied warily. "Ranma," she repeated. "You are such a... fine looking man. Please... take these," she continued, handing Ranma a bouquet. Before he had time to toss it away, it exploded in a cloud of powder. He felt his legs start to weaken. "A-ka-ne!" he shouted as loud as he could, before collapsing to the roof. Kodachi knelt next to him and swung her leg over, straddling him. "I put a little paralysis powder in the flowers," she said cheekily. She wrapped a hand around the back of his head, moving her lips toward his. Ranma tried to turn his head, but the paralysis powder had weakened him too much. He managed only to squeeze his lips shut.

Thankfully for him, Kodachi was suddenly catapulted across the roof, care of Akane's foot. Akane stood, enraged, as she surveyed the scene. Kodachi made it to her feet. "I know when I'm not wanted," she said plainly, before hopping away, letting loose a laugh that could make a cat cringe. Akane stared down at Ranma. He couldn't tell if she realized what was happening, and knew she'd saved him, or if she thought he was a willing participant.

He tried to talk, but found his mouth and tongue to be as paralyzed as anything else. He went to tell her about the powder, "err... al... uh... hih... ow... er..." was the best he could manage to grunt. Not appearing to understand, she looked around the roof, noticing the petals and bending down for a closer look. "Uh! uh!" he grunted, the tone of it frantic enough to stop Akane from touching one. She looked at the petals, and back to Ranma. "She paralyzed you, didn't she?" Akane asked. "Uh huh," Ranma grunted in response. She sat beside him. "If it doesn't wear off quick," she said, "I'll call Dr. Tofu and ask him if we can do anything."

Ranma shivered. "You cold?" she asked. "Uh huh" was the reply. She laid next to him, wrapping her robe over the both of them. She wrapped an arm over his chest. They laid in silence for a moment, Ranma suddenly feeling a whole lot better about being paralyzed. Akane looked at him mischievously. "You know," she said playfully, "I could really torture you right now, couldn't I?" Ranma looked at her questioningly (or as close as he could manage with his face paralyzed). She leaned close and planted a soft kiss on his neck, running her fingers along his shoulder. Ranma may not have been able to speak, but the change in his breathing was pretty clear evidence of the effect of her actions.

She stretched a leg across him, pushing herself on top. "Is this what she was doing?" she asked playfully. Ranma smiled, realizing that his face was loosening a bit. She planted a kiss on his lips, with Ranma happy beyond description that he had enough control over his lips to kiss back. Akane sat up, rubbing his shoulders. "Is it starting to wear off?" she asked. Ranma nodded weakly. "How about I keep you company until you can climb down?" she asked, giving him another kiss. Ranma nodded with a smile.

* * *

Akane and Ranma climbed in through her window. Ranma held on to her desk for support, still wobbly. "I'd better get to bed," he said, slightly slurring. Akane smirked. "Too bad you don't have your strength," she said. Ranma's eyes widened; Akane chuckled. "Easy, Ranma," she said, "we'll have plenty of time another day." Ranma kissed her weakly. "Do you want me to help you to your room?" she asked. Ranma shook his head. "Nah, I can make it," he mumbled, "good night." "Night, Ranma," she replied.

Ranma stumbled back to his room. 'Kodachi must not be very smart with that stuff,' he thought. 'The part of my body she wanted ended up being the last part that woke up.'

* * *

Ranma and Akane walked along Furinkan's front sidewalk. Various female students complimented Akane on stepping up to take on St. Hebereke. Akane suddenly stopped, just in time for Kodachi to fly out of nowhere and land directly in front of them. She swung a bokken down at Akane, who stopped it with one hand, impressing Ranma. "You have a lot of nerve attacking me first thing in the morning!" Akane said. "Attacking?" Kodachi replied. "I was doing no such thing! I'm merely here to see my darling Ranma!"

"I don't think he's interested," Akane replied. "No, I'm not," Ranma chimed. Kodachi ran to him. "Ranma, darling!" she cried, throwing her arms around him. Ranma rolled his eyes in frustration. "Did you not hear me?" he yelled, exasperated. "You're as bad as that freak Ku..."

Ranma stopped as the man he was about to mention suddenly appeared, holding a dozen roses. He handed them to Akane. "Akane Tendo," Kuno said, "I wish to speak my encouragement for your gymnastic endeavors!" He noticed Kodachi clutching to Ranma. He looked intently at the pair. "Very well," he said after a moment, "you may date with her." Ranma was confused; Kodachi was ecstatic. "Oh, did you hear?" she asked excitedly. "That means we're a couple!" Ranma pried her arms off of him. "Oh no, it doesn't," he said. "I do not have the slightest desire to date you."

Kodachi looked at him with crazy eyes (crazier than before, that is). Tears started to form and run down her cheeks. "You hate me!" she screamed. "No, no," Ranma said, hoping to stop her before she became homicidal. "I have a fiancée! See?" He grabbed Akane's hand, glad to feel her squeeze back. Kodachi regained er composure. "Well, well," she said. "How about it, then? How about we wager Ranma Saotome in the match?"

"What?" Akane cried.

Ranma thought for a moment. "Sure, we can do that," he said.

Akane looked at him, starting to tear up herself. "R-Ranma?" she said, with hurt in her voice. Ranma folded his hands behind his head nonchalantly. "What?" he replied after a moment, "it's not like you're gonna lose." Akane threw her arms around him, squeezing him. Kuno stepped forward. "But Akane," he said, "it's perfect. If you want rid of that cad Saotome forever, all you need to do is lose."

Akane seethed. "And what gave you the idea I wanted rid of him?" she asked through clenched teeth. Kodachi cackled. "She should be planning on losing, anyway," she said. She cackled again as she hopped away, bouncing off of every wall, pole, and tree around. Of course, there was no doubt that she spent a great deal of time bouncing off of any tree or pole she could get her legs on both sides of.

Kuno turned his back to them. "Saotome," he said, "take good care of my little sister." He walked away.

"Little sister?" Ranma said. "That explains so, so much..."

* * *

Ranma sat with his back to the dojo wall, as Akane flipped high in the air. She landed flawlessly, throwing the clubs at Ranma, who sprang out of the way. Akane pulled the ribbon out and snapped it in Ranma's direction, as he narrowly managed to dodge. "Ranma!" Akane cried, frustrated. "Stand still! I need to practice!" She snapped the ribbon again, which Ranma dodged. "You're good with those things now!" he replied. "You'll really hurt me if you hit me! Besides, Kodachi's going to be jumping around, so you'd better practice on a moving target!" Akane smirked. "Okay," she said, snapping the ribbon at Ranma. As he dove away from the ribbon, Akane threw a ball his direction, pegging him in the head. He slid across the floor landing behind her. "How was that?" she asked over her shoulder. Ranma sat up. "Kami, your ass looks nice in that leotard," he replied.

Akane chuckled. "Seriously," she said, "get back over here so I can practice. The match is tomorrow!" Ranma stood and took a battle stance. Akane looked determined. She jumped at Ranma... and neglected to see the ball she'd thrown earlier. Before Ranma had time to react, Akane stepped on the ball and crashed to the floor. Ranma rushed to her. "Akane, you okay?" he asked, worried. Akane looked at him with tears in her eyes. "It hurts," she replied.

* * *

Akane lay on her bed, her ankle taped. Ranma sat behind her, one leg on each side with his arms around her. Kasumi and Nabiki occupied chairs near them. "My sister, the klutz," Nabiki said. Kasumi looked concerned. "Akane," she said, "there's no way your ankle is going to be okay for tomorrow. You're going to have to find a replacement!" Akane shook her head. "How?" she asked. "Where are we going to find a girl that's good at gymnastics, good at martial arts, and looks good in a leotard? Especially the night before!" Her head snapped up, and she turned to look at Ranma, as her sisters joined her. Ranma's eyes widened. "Wha? Me?" he stammered. "Please Ranma," Akane begged. "You're my only hope. _You're_ the one who's been helping me learn. And... if I forfeit, you have to date Kodachi."

Ranma sprang from the bed. "Let's get to work; I have a lot to learn in very little time," he said, a little too excited. _Anything_ to avoid dating that freak.

* * *

Ranma stood in the center of the dojo, female and wearing a leotard that made her feel beyond ridiculous. Akane sat, watching her. "How does it feel?" she asked. Ranma crossed her arms. "I have never felt so self-conscious in all my life," came the reply.

"If it helps, you have the perfect figure for it."

"I'd rather I didn't. It's the thought of all the guys leering at me that's freaking me out the most."

"Hey, how do you think I feel? You're pulling it off better than I did. I'm jealous!"

"No, I'm not, Akane. Nobody could look better than you in a leotard. It's physically impossible. Scientists have proven it."

Akane smirked and turned her attention to the book Ranma was using earlier. "Do you remember what you read in this earlier?" she asked. Ranma picked up the clubs and stared at them intently. "Yeah, but seeing it on paper and actually doing it are two different things," she replied. "Fighting with weapons," Akane said. "It's just like any fight with weapons except you can't hit without one."

Ranma nodded, jumped, flipped, and threw the clubs, impaling the practice dummy they'd placed at the opposite end of the dojo. Akane beamed. "That was awesome!" she exclaimed. Ranma stared in wonder. "I can't believe I just did that," she muttered.

The next few hours were spent with Ranma picking up what she could manage, though she quickly turned out to be a natural for this type of competition. Akane fielded a million questions, all in the vein of "how did you do that one thing?" Eventually, Ranma paused for air, sitting next to Akane. "You're really good," Akane said.

Ranma took a drink of water. "Thanks. You can go to bed now; I think I've got it from here."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Akane stood, slightly wobbly. "You want a hand getting inside?" Ranma asked. Akane waved her hand dismissively. "I can make it," she replied. She took one shaky step, wincing as she stepped with her hurt ankle. Ranma stood, walked up behind her, and picked her up. "Let me help," she said. She carried Akane out of the dojo and hopped up to the roof, entering through Akane's window.

She laid Akane down on the bed, as Akane reached for the pajamas folded on her chair. "Are you staying up?" Akane asked. Ranma scratched her head. "Maybe," she replied, "but not for real long. I'd be better off going to bed soon and getting up early. It'll help me more to practice right before the match." Akane nodded. Ranma put her arm around her, giving her a kiss. "Don't worry about tomorrow," Ranma said, "you're not going to lose me to Kodachi." Akane nodded, leaning forward to kiss Ranma again. Their kisses deepened, as Akane lay back with Ranma straightening out to lay on top of her. She broke away after a second. "Sorry, Akane," she said, "does this feel weird? Y'know, because I'm a girl?" Akane smiled. "Actually... no," she said, pulling Ranma down for another kiss.*

* * *

Ranma awoke. She slowly realized that some things were different from her typical morning. First, she was a she— Ranma never slept in girl form. Second, she seemed to be higher off the floor, which meant she wasn't in her futon. This was a western-style bed. That could mean only one thing, and it was confirmed when she realized that there was a warm body snuggled against her. She assessed the situation. They couldn't have done anything... she was still a girl, and both of them were dressed. 'We must have fallen asleep while we were making out,' she reasoned. She squinted at the window— just enough light was coming in to show that the sun would be up in an hour or so. A quick look at the clock, which read 6:05, confirmed this. Good; she'd rather snuggle with Akane for another hour before she had to go practice.

She rubbed Akane's arm, before sliding a hand down to cop a feel. Akane stirred, opening her eyes. Her eyes widened as she realized who was in bed with her. "What time is it?" she whispered, worried. "It's barely after six; nobody'd be up yet," Ranma replied. She kissed Akane. "Why don't we stay here for an hour or so," she continued, "and then I'll go get some practice in." Akane smiled, and the makeout session began again.

'Is this how I'm going to be waking up every morning for the rest of my life?' Ranma wondered. 'Life is _good!_'

* * *

Ranma and Akane stood with Kodachi in the lobby of St. Hebereke School for Girls. "A last minute substitute?" Kodachi asked. "I hurt myself in practice yesterday," Akane replied. Kodachi cackled. "Very well," she said, "I look forward to beating you." She extended a hand, which Akane grabbed, turning Kodachi's palm to show three thumbtacks wedged between her fingers. Kodachi feigned ignorance. "Oh, my," she said, "how did those get there?" She skipped away with a cackle. "Nice catch," Ranma said.

The two of them found their way to the locker room set up for them. They were met by a bouquet of black roses. Akane tossed one into the aquarium in the center of the room; they rolled their eyes as they watched the fish pass out. Ranma tossed the rest of the bouquet out the window. She gave Akane a kiss. "I need you to do something," she said. "What?" Akane asked. "Kodachi is going to be trying to end this thing before it starts," Ranma replied, "and she's going to be watching for me. Go to the gym, and check for anything she might have done. Traps, anything. Check the ceiling beams, underneath the bleachers, even under the ring." Akane gave her a hug. "Got it," she said, hurrying away.

Ranma waited for ten minutes and headed to the gym. She figured she'd find Akane just as she finished checking the gym. Arriving at the gym, she found a surprising site: Akane, Kodachi, and the referee talking, while a couple dozen St. Hebereke girls stood around in a crowd. The referee said something, and the girls left, their heads hung. Akane saw Ranma and ran to her, a smile on her face. "She had all those girls hiding under the ring," she said. "I got the ref, and she threw the girls out. You still have to fight, but I thwarted a major trap."

"Way to go," Ranma said, "you're the best. Now come here." She pulled Akaneaway, stopping next to the bleachers, in the quietest spot around. "Where are you taking me?" Akane asked. Ranma wrapped her arms around her fiancée. "I just wanted a kiss for good luck," she replied. She planted a slow kiss on Akane's lips, which quickly started to resemble something from the previous night. Ranma felt eyes on the two of them; she stopped and looked to see Tatewaki Kuno staring at them, eyes wider than truck rims. She giggled. "This is probably his biggest dream in the universe," she whispered, as Akane joined in the giggling. She started softly kissing Akane's neck, as Akane tightened her grip. "Ooh, Ranma... Ranma..." she mumbled, eyes closed. They stopped and looked back to the bleachers, where Kuno was no longer visible. "I sure hope he didn't go to the bathroom," Ranma said, "because if he did, I know exactly what he's doing."

They walked back to the ring, noticing as they passed that Kuno lay in the bleachers, apparently unconscious. "It must have been too much for him," Ranma said, chuckling. She climbed into the ring. The referee was already there with a microphone. "Now entering the ring," the woman said, before stopping. She lowered the mic. "Hey, what's your name?" she asked. "Ran— ko... Ranko Saotome," she replied. The referee held the mic up. "From Furinkan High School," she said, "Ranko Saotome!" Ranma heard whispers in the audience; they must have been gossiping about the last name. She didn't mind; passing the red-haired girl off as his sister was the easiest excuse. Akane gave her a thumb's up from the floor. "I hope Kuno doesn't remember that you called me Ranma before," Ranma said to her. Akane looked back to Kuno's prone form. "I don't think he remembers much of anything," she replied.

"And in this corner... from St. Hebereke School For Girls... Kodachi Kuno!" The crowd roared for their home champion. "Will the challengers please meet in the center," the referee said. Ranma and Kodachi walked to the center, where Ranma extended her hand. Kodachi jumped back. "Look, over there!" she shouted, with a little too much theatrics. Ranma knew better; in fact, she couldn't believe Kodachi used such a lame line. She knew how to foil it, too— she turned her head to look, watching Kodachi out of the corner of her eye. Sure enough, Kodachi jumped for her, and she sprang back, narrowly avoiding a ball and chain that Kodachi had attempted to snap to her wrist. "Nice try," Ranma said, smirking, while Kodachi reddened with anger.

The referee continued with the rules. "No barehanded attacks," she said. "The match ends when one contestant is completely knocked down, or knocked out of the ring." She walked to the side, and the bell rang.

I wish I could tell you that Ranma was kind enough not to fight a girl. I wish I could tell you that... but St. Hebereke School for Girls is no fairy-tale world. Normally, Ranma was, but when a girl hit her with paralysis powder _and_ attacked her fiancée, she'd gladly make an exception. As long as she was a girl too, she felt the playing field was level.

That's right; Ranma tapped into her Indian side. She became a full-fledged member of the slap-a-ho tribe.

Kodachi led out with her ribbon, which hardened like a steel bar as she snapped it. She swung; it missed. As it whizzed by Ranma's face, she became aware that it _was_ a steel bar. She pulled her own ribbon, snapping at Kodachi to keep her at a distance. Kodachi stopped, pulling a pair of clubs. "Don't get me wrong," she said. "I do this only so that I may date Ranma. My darling Ranma." Ranma rolled her eyes. "I don't think he's interested," she replied. Kodachi scowled at that comment, raising her clubs and pressing a switch that caused them to erupt in spikes. Ranma stepped back; Akane yelled at the referee. "Sorry, they're legal," she was told.

Ranma had an idea of her own. Quickly grabbing one of her clubs from Akane, Ranma wrapped the ribbon around the handle, making a makeshift medieval flail. As Kodachi lunged with her spiked clubs, Ranma flipped sideways, snapping the ribbon and clocking Kodachi in the side of the head. The black rose dropped but quickly jumped back to her feet. "And who are you to Ranma that you presume to know his wishes?" she asked, reddening (and not entirely from the club impact). "I'm his sister," Ranma replied. "Didn't the last name tip you off?"

Kodachi fumed. "My brother has consented to Ranma being mine!" she screamed. "How dare you refuse to do the same! Hoop!"

A gymnast in her corner tossed a hoop to the sociopathic rose. She caught it and flung it at Ranma, who ducked, the hoop whizzing overhead and slicing off the top of a cornerpost. "Razor blades!" Akane yelled from the side. Perhaps mimicking Ranma's earlier attack, Kodachi pulled her ribbon and lassoed the still-flying hoop, flinging it back and slicing the air on all sides of Ranma. Akane tossed Ranma the other club, and she spun them, one in each hand. Kodachi cackled as she produced her own club, spinning them at a fast enough rate to make it appear like she held twenty of them.

"Behold the secret technique of the black rose," Kodachi said, "the attack of a thousand clubs!" Ranma readied her own clubs, but Akane saw something from where she was standing. "Ranma!" she shouted, tossing the ball to the redhead. Ranma let it approach before smacking it with a club like one would hit a baseball, sending it into Kodachi's spinning clubs. A multitude of clubs flew from her hands, dropping all over the ring. She really _was_ using twenty.

"This is only the beginning!" Kodachi shouted. "The true essence of martial arts gymnastics... is an endless arsenal of weapons!" With that, she flung her ribbon out of the ring, wrapping it around the starting bell and flinging it at Ranma. Ranma blocked it with a club, sending it out of the ring to bounce of the still-unconscious Tatewaki Kuno's head, sounding a loud _ding_! Next came a folding chair, which missed. "What is this, American wrestling?" Ranma shouted. Two could play at this game. She looked for a good object... the judge's table! Ranma grabbed one of the table's legs with her ribbon, lifting it from the floor and throwing it Kodachi's way. Kodachi countered by snagging her unwitting brother from the crowd. He awoke just in time for the table to smash into him and send him back to dreamland.

Maybe they've done this before... would explain the brain damage.

Genma, in panda form, casually sauntered over to Ranma's corner, sitting by Akane. He held out a tea kettle and cup, as if offering a drink. "This is no time to be relaxing with tea!" Akane cried. Ranma watched in disbelief. "What are you, stupid?" she yelled to her (very much stupid) father. Kodachi noticed the kettle and snagged it with her ribbon. Ranma tried to jump away, but the kettle came too quick, flung into the air and sliced in half by Kodachi's ribbon. Ranma felt the leotard grow tight from his increased height, and was thankful for the cloud of steam, but had no idea how he was going to get out of there. Suddenly a blast of cold water hit him, and he was a girl once again. The steam cleared to show everything normal, with Akane standing with a fire hose. Ranma jumped to her corner. "Thanks, Akane," she said. She turned to the panda. "I'm kicking your ass later old man," she growled.

Kodachi readied her hoop. "Accepting help from your second," she said. "Cheater!" She flung the hoop at Ranma, and in quick succession, pulled her spiked clubs, diving at Ranma while she dodged the hoop. Unfortunately for her, Ranma was faster. As a club came her way, Ranma flipped and grabbed it with her feet, lifting Kodachi up and flinging her clear of the ring. The ring certainly wasn't going to move, and Kodachi was flying way too fast to stop. She crashed to the floor of the gym with a loud _thud!_ Ranma stood, victorious.

The referee walked to Ranma, holding her hand in the air. Kodachi stood, climbing back into the ring. She hung her head. "Today, as promised, I abandon my passion for Ranma," she said sadly. "Thank Kami," Ranma muttered. Kodachi looked up. "In it's place, a _new_ passion for Ranma will burn on!" she cried. Ranma rolled her eyes, walking to her corner and climbing out to receive a hug from Akane. They walked back toward the locker room. Unfortunately, even _that_ trip couldn't be peaceful, as they were intercepted by a mangled Tatewaki Kuno. "Akane Tendo! Pigtailed girl!" he shouted. Akane and Ranma looked at eachother, knocking Kuno down with simultaneous kicks to his face. As they walked away, Ranma glanced back to see Kuno sitting up and looking their way. She winked and grabbed Akane's butt, laughing as Kuno fainted from the sight.

* * *

The next day was Sunday, and despite being a weekend, Ranma's morning began with training. And, as always, he'd wound up a 'she', standing in the koi pond while his panda father lumbered away. This, of course, begs the question: if both Ranma and his old man managed to knock eachother in, was it a draw? Not feeling like going anywhere, Ranma waded lazinly around in the pond. For being a giant fish tank, it was surprisingly clean. She smiled as Akane returned from her daily morning jog.

"Hey Ranma," Akane said cheerfully. "Knocked in the pond like every other day?" Ranma smirked. "Hey Akane," she retorted, "still jogging in those shorts that barely cover your ass?" Akane blushed. "Not that I'm complaining," Ranma continued nonchalantly. "You probably make guys walk into stuff as you pass them." Akane laughed, sitting at the edge of the pond.

"You sore at all from yesterday?" Akane asked.

"Nah, not really. Of course, Kodachi didn't really get any hits in on me, so..."

"Yeah, that's true. I guess it's pretty handy that you can win by tossing someone out of the ring. Did you mess your dad up for bringing the kettle?"

"I did my best. I got a nasty groin-kick in earlier; I think that counts."

"That scared me! You couldn't have got out of that if you turned into a guy! They'd have made you forfeit, and everybody would have known your secret!"

"Akane, are you suggesting that, at any time, there was a possibility that I might lose? Don't you remember what I said I'd do to you for that?"

Akane stuck her tongue out playfully. "Hey, it's not nice to threaten your girlfriend, you know," she said playfully. Ranma feigned sincerity. "Akane, you're right," she said seriously. "I was way out of line, and I apologize." "Accepted," Akane said, matching Ranma's mock-seriousness. Ranma stood silently for a moment, before grabbing Akane around the waist and yanking her into the pond.

Akane surfaced, sputtering. She looked down at her soaked clothes, before glaring at Ranma angrily. "Ranma, you, you, you..." She softened. "You jerk," she said, throwing her arms around Ranma. Ranma held her. "You know I wouldn't have done that if it were a school day," she said. "Yeah, yeah," Akane said dismissively. Ranma kissed her cheek, reaching around underwater to cop a feel in the process.

Akane shivered. "Yeah, well... now I have to get a bath before breakfast," she said, pretending to be annoyed. Ranma stuck her tongue out. "Yeah, well I have to every day, so quit your bitching," she retorted. Akane stuck her own tongue out before leaning in for a kiss. Akane's last sentence, plus the beginning of yet another makeout session, combined in Ranma's head to give her a very good but rather iffy idea. She pulled away and looked at Akane.

"Hey, as early as it is, nobody's going to be up for a while, right?" she asked.

Akane cocked an eyebrow. "I guess not, why?"

"Well, I was thinking... since we both need a hot bath before breakfast, we could save some time if we went in there... y'know... together."

Akane's eyes widened. Ranma continued. "If you don't want to do anything like that it's okay, but I thought, after last night, y'know, you might like the idea as much as I do."

Akane wrapped Ranma in a hug. "Let's go," she whispered in Ranma's ear.

The pair crept along the first floor hallway, as though the theme to _Mission Impossible_ were echoing from an overhead speaker. (Seeing as they were leaving a trail of water droplets along the floor, I don't think a spy would be impressed, but then again, the Tendo house isn't exactly Fort Knox.) Ranma slid the bathroom door open, poking her head in to make sure it was empty, before pulling Akane in and closing the door behind them. They exchanged a quick kiss before Ranma went into the furo to get the water going. She quickly shed her karategi and showered off, before diving for the bath. She stepped in, changing herself back to her original, male form.

Ranma was glad to have his tools back. If all went well, he would need them shortly.

Ranma lay back in the hot water. He hadn't realized how cold the pond had made him until he got into the bath. He was also trying to calm himself. He was having nervousness rivaling that morning a couple of weeks before when he saw Akane in the hallway. He took a deep breath, trying in vain to get his pulse below 190. He was on the verge of doing something that he had never, ever done before. Let's face it— being on one long training trip since he was barely out of elementary school hadn't exactly left a lot of time for girlfriends. So far, Akane had been the first for everything. Then again, unless something went horribly wrong, he was going to be marrying her in a couple years, so it only seemed appropriate. He hoped he'd learned enough about how... that stuff... worked. Granted, he'd been imagining Akane every time he'd been in the tub since the second day he arrived, but that didn't exactly help when the real thing came about.

Ranma was shocked from his stupor by the sound of the shower coming on. He opened his eyes to see Akane standing right in front of him, her back to him. Naked. Completely, wonderfully, naked. He reddened and his eyes widened, a drop of blood forming at the bottom of his nose. He found himself surprised at his train of thought at that moment— pretty much every time he'd looked at her body, he'd marveled at how insanely hot she was. In fact, he thought about that quite a bit when she wasn't even around. Still, with her right in front of him, he had only one thought: that she was beautiful. So... incredibly... beautiful. He was sure that there wasn't another girl on earth shaped so perfectly.

He gave up on trying to calm his heart rate. It wasn't going to help.

Akane turned the water off, hung up the shower handle, and turned to face him, also red as a beet. Ranma stood, and they stared at eachother in tense silence. Ranma was a bundle of nerves... his feeling could best be described as a cross between the excitement of a thrill ride, and a nervousness beyond any camparison. He scratched the back of his head. "Both of us naked in the bathroom... me in the bath... seems kinda familiar..." he said nervously. Akane responded with a nervous giggle. They stared in silence for another minute, before Akane nervously took a step. Ranma held out his hand and Akane took it, slowly stepping into the bath with him. They put their arms around eachother, bringing their lips together for a kiss as they sat down together.

* * *

Ranma peeked through the doorway. The main room was empty. Thank Kami. He tiptoed in and sat at the table. He and Akane had been in the bath a little while; he was afraid the other family members would be up already. He was sure Kasumi was, but she always cooked breakfast, so she'd be in the kitchen. He and Akane had redressed in their wet clothes and made mad dashes for their rooms to get clothes to put on, and thankfully, his father had been nowhere to be found. He heard a step and looked up to see Akane walk into the room. He reddened, as did she. She sat next to him, sitting with her back against him as he put his arms around her. They shared a slow kiss. More footsteps, and they looked up to see Nabiki enter the room. She looked like she did every morning— angry to be alive. She scowled at Ranma and Akane's open display of affection, sitting and grabbing for the television remote.

There's an interesting thing about Nabiki in the morning. Her brain acts slower than normal speed, and if one watches closely, it's actually possible to see when her various thoughts connect. One did so after a moment, as Nabiki's eyes widened and she looked back to the happy couple. She squinted at them. "You both have wet hair," she observed. "Why are you two being so affectionate?" Those last two thoughts connected, and her eyes widened further before her face changed to one of disgust. "You two were in the bath together, weren't you?" she asked. Ranma and Akane blushed, hiding their faces against one another. Nabiki shook her head. "From now on, I'm getting clean in the yard with the garden hose," she said.

Ranma looked up. "For being a bath, things can get surprisingly dirty," he said frankly. Nabiki clamped her hands to her ears. "No... no... shut up... for the love of Kami shut up," she said. She gave the couple a long, hard (giggity) look. "Please tell me you at least used protection," she said. Akane's head snapped up, and she and Ranma look at eachother in concerned surprise. Nabiki waved a hand dismissively. "You're probably fine," she said. "Just remember to have some rubbers handy for next time."

They heard a footstep, and turned to see Kasumi standing in the doorway, wide-eyed and holding a tray covered with food. "Oh, my," she said.

* * *

_A/N: Whew... another chapter. Here's hoping you all like this one as much as the last ones. Sorry if you think Ranma and Akane were a little fast to jump into bed together (or, more accurately, Ranma was quick to jump into Akane), but remember that they're sixteen. Seeing as Ranma's been there a couple of months, and they've been dating for a couple of weeks, it's amazing Ranma hadn't been polishing his carrot every night for a while now._

_As for the future of this story: I'd already decided not to adapt the skating arc, as I mentioned in the last chapter. Someone asked for it, so let me explain some things about it: I'd have to invent a new way for it to begin. I have no intention of reintroducing P-Chan, and even if I did, Akane's not going to make him a pet since she knows it's Ryoga. More importantly, it's the one time that Ranma actually does things right, so I wouldn't have much to change. I'd wind up literally transcribing everything that was in the original manga. If it helps you, though, go read that chapter of the manga or watch the appropriate anime episodes before you continue on._

_Those of you that know the story arcs well know that the skating arc is followed by Shampoo's appearance, though the Shampoo anime episodes were moved before the skating arc to try and boost the ratings of the show. (Didn't realize that? Go watch episode 15, the first one with Shampoo. In the second half of the episode, Akane is sitting outside, depressed that she thinks Ranma is leaving her for Shampoo. It shows a "flashback" to Ranma calling Akane his fiancée during the skating match. With the episodes reordered, that scene hadn't happened yet; it wouldn't come until the following season!) I could jump right into the Shampoo arc, but a quick look at the anime series shows there's an episode in between that, AFAIK, isn't based upon the manga, and I think I have an idea for that one, so it's coming next._

_* This was my thinking for having Akane not mind making out with Ranma as a girl: In the original anime/manga, Akane and Ranma seemed equally shy when they held eachother after escaping from Ryoga, right before Akane lost her hair. If she was nervous around girl-Ranma, it would seem that she's equally attracted to either._


	5. Hopefully Kasumi's is big enough

_A/N: As I said at the end of the last chapter, I'm not writing the skating arc, because I wouldn't be changing anything, other than creating a new way for it to occur, because P-Chan is out of the picture. Oh, and if you're curious: had I not written things where they discovered P-Chan at the same time, I would have told Akane on the first night. Honor aside, not telling Akane would be tantamount to letting a guy peep at my girlfriend, and it wouldn't happen. In fact, I'd have told Akane as soon as I came inside (following her dumbell-toss), that I'd found out why Ryoga was so cheesed off. So, if you were curious, there you go._

_Thanks again for all of the reviews. As Ellen DeGeneres says, I love all the positive energy, and I send it all right back to you. Some responses: a couple of people mentioned the secrecy of Ranma and Akane making it in the furo, with either with Nabiki selling the information, or the fathers finding out. That aspect didn't occur to me, frankly. Since they're openly a couple, I figured most people would assume things were happening, but I might have somewhere to go with that. After all, it doesn't seem outside the realm of possibility that Soun would want to move the two of them into the master bedroom, since they're going to be the homeowners in the future. I'll worry about that in another chapter._

_Specifically to Tuatara, since their points were good: First, as to getting a piece of Akane, it wasn't so much a question of being that good at getting laid, but rather an assumption that Akane, as a sixteen-year-old girl, would be willing _if they actually had a good relationship going_. That was my filling in the blanks where I was trying to keep Akane in-character, but we never really learn enough about her in the series to be sure how she'd react in such a situation. As an example, I wrote a RanmaxKasumi fic a while back where the two of them got it on, and I attributed Kasumi's willingness to it being set five years after the series. Kasumi is the housewife-child bearer type, and I assumed that she'd be starting to feel a little desperate seeing as she was single. In writing Kasumi in the series' time period, it's a different story. Nineteen-year-old Kasumi wouldn't likely separate her knees without a wedding ring. Nabiki, on the other hand, would probably do anything if the price was right. It seems like Akane can be romantic if she's not pissed off, so I went with that. As for the being-aroused-as-a-female: in all honesty, if I had that curse, I'd probably be changing myself to a girl when I got bored, just to play with the new parts. After all, that's the upside of that curse: any time you want a woman, you have one built in! That is one of the character changes for Ranma; I think in-character Ranma would probably not want to do anything sexual as a girl because he hates the curse so much. That's not to say I'd enjoy the curse; the inconvenience of changing any time I touch cold water would be huge, and getting a curse like that would be traumatic to live through. That was my idea in keeping Ranma's objection to wearing girls' clothes. I'm planning to get a little deeper into that issue (giggity) in the following chapter._

_Sorry about the length of this a/n. I enjoy explaining my thought process almost as much as I enjoy writing the actual story._

_So, on to the chapter. This is based upon anime episode 14, which is the quick lull between the Ryoga arc and the Shampoo introduction. If that story is in the manga anywhere, I've yet to find it. (BTW, did you know that there's a section of the manga where Ranma falls in love with Ryoga? It's true! The middle of volume 23.) I've thought about doing a story with these two specific characters hooking up, so now I get to. Enjoy._

* * *

The door to Dr. Tofu's Moxibustion Clinic slid open, as Ranma and Akane entered. Ranma carried a dish of food from dinner, packaged specifically for Dr. Tofu by Kasumi. Why was it Kasumi made all this food for Tofu, and never for anybody else? Ranma wondered if Kasumi liked Tofu as much as Tofu liked _her_. He started to think that a double date might be beneficial.

Then again, being on a date with Tofu and Kasumi could be hazardous. Last time Ranma was in a room with them together, he nearly lost a vertebrae.

"Here you go," Akane said as she handed the bowl to Tofu. "Kasumi made it for you." Tofu beamed. "Let me give you your dish back, at least," he said. He took a few steps, opening what was clearly the wrong door. "Uh, Dr. Tofu," Akane said, "that's the bathroom." Tofu giggled, turning and starting to step onto his couch. "That's the window," Ranma said helpfully. Tofu giggled again, stumbling into his office. "We're going to hell for finding this funny," Ranma said.

Just then, a very small woman with a very large shrine strolled in. "Hello?" she called out. "Is anybody home?" Tofu appeared from his office. "Did I hear someone come in?" he asked, as the woman popped up from behind the shrine.

"Hiya son," she said cheerfully, "ya miss me?"

Tofu stared. "Mother? But... you could have at least called first!"

"So I forgot. Come and pay your respects to your father!"

Tofu carried the shrine into his office, setting it on a table. He rang the bell in the shrine as everyone said a silent prayer. Tofu's father looked exactly like him, but with a mustache. "He looks like your dad," Ranma whispered to Akane. She chuckled. "You aren't related are you?" Ranma continued. "If he married Kasumi, would it be incest?" Akane elbowed him.

Tofu turned to his mother. "All right," he said, "will you please tell me why you're here?" His mother produced a manila envelope, which she handed to the confused doctor. "Matchmaker photos," she said. Tofu groaned as he pulled a photo from the envelope. Inside was a photo of the ugliest woman that Ranma had ever seen. She looked like the freaky women from that village in China. "The winner of the all-Japan pelvic contest!" Mother Tofu said, beaming. "Just look at those hips!"

Ranma and Akane stared. "You think he's into girls that look like that?" Ranma whispered. "Maybe _that's_ why he was never interested in you."

"What could he possibly see in Kasumi, then?" Akane replied.

"Big hips bear strong, healthy children!" the old woman said. "When you're looking for a bride, big hips are better luck than a rabbit's foot!"

Tofu shook his head. "Mother, I have no intention of getting married so soon!"

"You what?" the old woman said, as she began frantically praying to the shrine, before sprinting to Betty the skeleton and trying to hang herself from it's stand. "Mrs. Tofu, please, stop!" Akane cried. "Dr. Tofu already loves someone!" The Tofus stared in confusion. Akane continued. "Her name is..."

"Can I come in?" Kasumi's voice called from the lobby. Speak of the devil. "That dish I sent over earlier had a mistake in it," she said. "I user sugar instead of salt. This is the right one." Tofu, as one would expect, promptly went bat-shit, running circles around the office with his glasses fogged to the point that he couldn't possibly see. He walked into a wall, giggling like a maniac, as his mother stared at Kasumi. "You there," she said, "what are you to my son?" Akane approached her sister. "This is Dr. Tofu's mother," she explained. Kasumi smiled. "I am Kasumi Tendo," she answered. The old woman beamed. "And you two are... special friends?" she asked. Kasumi giggled. "Oh, my, no!" she replied. They all heard a crash as Tofu fell over something in another room.

Ranma, Akane, and Kasumi headed back to the Tendo house, Kasumi walking ahead of the couple. Ranma leaned over to whisper to his fiancée. "We _have_ to hook them up," he said. Akane looked skeptical.

"I know he likes her," she said, "but are you sure she'd go for it?"

"Well, what do _you_ think? She's _your_ sister."

"Well, when dad told us all that one of us was going to be engaged to you, she _did_ say she hoped you'd be an older guy, and she wouldn't be interested otherwise."

"Well there you go. And that's the second time I've seen her make food for him. Does she ever do that for anybody else?"

"Now that you mention it, no, she doesn't."

"So am I right?"

Akane smiled.

Kasumi looked back to the couple. "What are you two whispering about?" she asked. Akane stepped up to walk next to her. "Tofu's mother made us think," she said. "Maybe you ought to go on a date with Dr. Tofu." Ranma caught them. "Yeah, we think you two would be a good match," he chimed. Kasumi looked uncertain. "Do you really think Tofu thinks of me that way?" she asked, appearing unusually shy. That was a good sign, right? Ranma and Akane exchanged a look. "Don't you realize how different he acts when you're around?" Akane asked. Ranma nodded. "Yeah, he doesn't act all goofy like that when you're not in the room," he added. Kasumi looked skeptical, but Ranma had an idea. "Let's go see him again tomorrow," he suggested. "I can prove it."

* * *

The following afternoon came, and with it came Ranma, Akane, and Kasumi, entering Tofu's clinic. Ranma stopped the two girls. "Okay, Akane," he said, "go in there and start talking to him. Kasumi, listen real close." Akane nodded and went into the exam room. Tofu's voice carried back to them. "Hello, Akane," he said cheerfully. "Hello, Dr. Tofu!" she replied, equally cheerfully. Ranma looked to Kasumi, who stared at the exam room door in confusion. "Is he stressed from his mother being here?" she wondered aloud. Ranma shook his head. "No," he said, "this is the normal Dr. Tofu." He motioned for her to stay where she was, and went to join his fiancée in the office. Tofu smiled at his arrival. "Ah, hello to you too, Ranma," he said. Ranma bowed. He had to make sure to keep some small talk going for a few seconds; Kasumi needed to hear it. He glanced around the room. "My pop not in at the moment?" he asked.

Tofu flipped through some papers on a nearby table. "He was, but I sent him out with my mother. She wanted to go to the market."

"She likes to make dinner every night, huh?"

"Yeah, she thinks I'm too skinny from eating mostly ramen. Maybe it's her fixation with big hips or something."

Ranma and Akane exchanged a glance. "Dr. Tofu," Akane said, "Ranma and I were going out to eat, and we thought it would be nice if you came along." Tofu looked confused. "Join you on your date?" he asked. "It never seemed to me that a three-person date was much fun!" Akane looked at him nervously, as Ranma quietly snaked an arm out the doorway. "Well, actually," Akane said, "we meant a double date."

"A double date?" Tofu asked. "With who?"

Ranma made a "come over" motion with his in-the-doorway hand, without Tofu seeing the gesture. The elder Tendo entered, as Tofu immediately began to shake and sweat profusely. Kasumi reddened as a shy smile spread across her face. Ranma leaned toward her. "See how different he gets?" he whispered. Kasumi nodded, locking her eyes to the floor. Ranma and Akane exchanged a smile. Kasumi may never have said anything about Tofu, but if she was being this nervous, she was at least interested.

* * *

As one might expect, a date between between Kasumi and Dr. Tofu is quite the experience. Thankfully for Ranma and Akane, Kasumi never released Tofu's arm long enough for him to walk into anything. He seemed to have a little trouble eating (also expected), but Kasumi actually got a giggle out of helping him. Ranma and Akane, of course, watched while trying not to laugh at his antics. Ranma secretly wondered if he could sell tickets to this performance, but dismissed the idea as too Nabiki-esque. By the end of the night, Tofu had actually relaxed enough to de-fog his glasses and walk straight, though talking still didn't come easy, and Kasumi kept having to steer him from trying to walk through wrong doors.

* * *

Ranma and Akane peeked out from the tree they were hiding in. They'd broke from Tofu and Kasumi, saying that they were going home, but actually springing into a tree across from Tofu's clinic to spy on the new couple. It's not that they were nosy per se— if it looked like Kasumi were changing her mind on things, they were going to have to figure out a way to help Tofu appease his mother. Akane mentioned Nabiki discussing the money-making possibilities that were being presented, and they both wanted to avoid letting Nabiki get her claws into the situation.

After a moment, Kasumi and Tofu walked into view. Kasumi still held his arm, but now had her head rested on his shoulder. Ranma and Akane smiled at eachother. "You think she was embarrassed to put her head like that with us around?" Ranma mused. Akane shrugged. "I dunno," she said, "but it makes me glad we gave them a little private time. Hopefully they'll plan a next date... alone."

Tofu and Kasumi stood at the door to the clinic, Kasumi holding Tofu's hands in hers. Ranma couldn't discern what was being said, and from the look on Akane's face, she couldn't either. After a moment, Kasumi put her arms around Tofu's neck, pulling herself close for a hug, before kissing him on the cheek and walking away. Ranma strained to look for the signs of a good parting, and he sighed with relief when he saw them: Kasumi humming cheerfully as she walked, with a broad smile on her face. Tofu watched her go; after a moment, he turned to enter the clinic, promptly walking into the front window.

They climbed down from the tree and started walking home, purposely taking the long way so that they wouldn't inadvertently intercept the elder Tendo. Ranma figured Kasumi would assume them to be engaging in lewd acts in Akane's bedroom, so their absence wouldn't seem unusual. He held Akane's hand as they walked.

"So," Ranma said, "that looked like it went well."

"It's about time. Tofu's been acting like that for way, _way_ too long."

"Oh yeah? How long has it been?"

"Well, he always got goofy when she'd pick me up from the doctor, and that was when I was too young to walk myself but dad thought Kasumi was old enough to be trusted. She was probably around twelve."*

"Wow!"

"Yeah."

"And you kept liking him all that time? I must be one hell of a stud to break _that_ spell."

"Shut up."

"You think his mom will be happy enough with him at least _dating_ somebody?"

"Maybe, if she believes the two of them are sure to be married."

"You think they will?"

"Get married? I can't imagine why not. He's always been crazy about her, and he's exactly what Kasumi always wanted in a guy. They're both so agreeable; I can't imagine they'd argue. What could possibly break the two of them up?"

"Ah, must be nice to be dating someone you know you'll be married to. Oh, wait. I am. It _is_ nice."

Akane laid her head on Ranma's shoulder.

"You know," Ranma said boastfully, "it seems like a lot of stuff has improved since I arrived here. I'm not trying to say I'm some kind of messiah or anything, but..."

"Full of yourself much, Ranma?"

"I think _you'd_ like to be full of me."

"Pervert."

"I know I am, but you didn't answer me."

"You know I would, smartass. What do you think I want to do when we sneak in through my window?"

"Yeah, well, we'd better be quick. You and Kasumi are going to have some gossiping to do before she goes to bed."

"She's probably going to go to bed as soon as she gets back."

"Oh, no. She'll be up all night."

"How do _you_ know?"

"I don't remember sleeping the night we first kissed. Do you?"

"Good point."

* * *

_* A/N: I based that statement off of the flashback present in both the anime and manga, when Akane is home after getting her hair sheared of by Ryoga. In it, we see Kasumi picking up Akane; Tofu goes nuts over Kasumi, and Akane looks to be a toddler. Seeing as Kasumi is three years older than Akane, she had to have been very young in that flashback. I don't mean to call the friendly doctor a pedophile, but, well... if I were Soun, I might have switched doctors._

_Coming up next... a certain blue-haired Amazon ought to be stepping off a boat at a Japanese port somewhere. Tune in next time._


	6. Enter Shampoo, the blah, blah, blah

_A/N: Sorry for the gap between updates; I've been a little busy. On with the show we go, on to the next story arc in the manga. This is one you'll recognize._

* * *

Ranma, as a girl, and Akane sat in a booth in the corner of the local ice cream parlor. Ranma hated to admit it, but she had enjoyed the day so far. Akane had playfully snuck up on the then-happily-male Ranma, dumping a bucket of much-colder-than-it-needed-to-be water over his head. She then announced that they were going on a mall trip so Akane could play dress-up with the redhead. Maybe it was because she was getting used to the curse, or maybe it was Akane being so accepting of it, but Ranma actually found herself not minding the mall trip. Well... she enjoyed the shopping about as much as men typically enjoy mall shopping, but reminding herself that everyone else saw her as a girl helped her suppress the thoughts that she was a pervert for trying the girls' clothes on. She had to admit, it _was_ kind of fun to embrace her female side. She still felt creepy when guys smiled at her though. It still felt exactly the same as having a guy leer at her male form.

Ranma swallowed a spoonful of ice cream. "I always like ice cream," she said, "but I think I'd be embarrassed to get these fruity sundaes in my guy form." Akane shook her head. "Just remember that girls chew with their mouths closed," she retorted. Ranma absentmindedly played with a strap of her top. Akane had really made her up; unable to find anything decent in the popular fashion items, she'd settled on several pairs of jeans and spaghetti-strap tops. Of course, these were girls' outfits, meaning the stuff fit pretty tight. Enough so that she caught more than one guy staring at her ass.

No wonder girls complain so much about guys doing that!

Of course, watching Akane dressing the same way more than made it worth it. Ranma'd had two rules: First, absolutely no purses. It wasn't happening, and that was that. Second, no heels. Ranma wasn't so much against the girly aspect of these; while she had amazing agility in flat shoes, condensing her heel to a two-inch spike made it nearly impossible to walk, even on flat, level ground. And yes, Akane seemed to very much enjoy watching Ranma try. After five minutes of struggling with her own personal pair of balance beams, Ranma tossed the heels back on the shelf and told Akane not to push it.

Akane noticed Ranma playing with her top. "Enjoying your new look?" she asked, amused.

Ranma blushed. "I kinda am, but I feel like a pervert for doing so."

"I told you you'd like it. If it helps, you do look good when you clean up."

"That part doesn't, but the fact that you're admitting to being attracted to my girl side does make me chuckle."

Just then, a loud thump echoed from the far wall. "What the?" Akane muttered, as the wall broke into a pile of rubble. Standing where the wall used to be was a short Chinese girl with bright blue hair, holding a pair of chúi. Ranma recognized the girl right away, her eyes widening. "Sh... Shampoo!" she stammered. "Ranma! Die!" the girl yelled, throwing a chúi at Ranma, who dove for cover. The dust cleared, and Ranma was nowhere to be found. "Where he go?" Shampoo asked Akane. Akane silently pointed out the hole that Shampoo had arrived through. The Amazon raced back through the wall. Ranma emerged from a cabinet.

"Ex girlfriend?" Akane asked the shaking Ranma. Ranma shook her head. "I _wish_ it were that simple," she replied. They made their way out of the ice cream shop, Ranma looking around nervously. As they walked, Ranma explained how he'd met the Shampoo: the Chinese tour guide brought them to the village, they were starving, they accidentally ate the first prize, and Ranma beat the girl. "I thought for sure that she wouldn't realize we'd left China," Ranma said. "We were in our regular forms as we got on the boat and came over."

Akane took her hand. "Well, you know I'll help. Two against one, we can get rid of her."

"Thanks, Akane. Do you think my new clothes will come clean? I'll be even madder if Shampoo messed up something that was brand new."

"Gee, Ranma. Now you're even _talking_ like a girl!"

"Shut up."

They arrived back at the Tendo house, and Ranma raced into the furo, barely taking the time to disrobe. The now-male Ranma bolted upstairs to his room, leaving his new clothes in the hamper (they'd never have fit his male form). He sprinted naked down the hallway, passing a wide-eyed Nabiki on the steps, before making it to his room, getting into some male clothes, and breathing a sigh. Shampoo wouldn't recognize him now.

He went downstairs to find a horrifying sight— Shampoo, in the main room, sitting at the table sipping tea. _She had found where he lived!_ Genma, in panda form, was hiding under the table. Akane met him at the door, frightened. "I don't think she ever saw me as a guy," Ranma assured her. "A couple of times, I got away by finding some hot water and changing back." They slowly entered the room. "Oh, Ranma, you have a visitor!" Kasumi said cheerfully. Ranma cringed. "I really wish you hadn't called me that," he said.

Shampoo perked, looking at him. "Ranma?" she asked. She darted to him, patting his chest and squinting at his face. "Is... man!" she said. "Uh, yeah," Ranma replied. Shampoo looked to Akane; a look of recognition crossed her face. She pushed a chúi at Akane. "Where Ranma?" she asked. Akane pushed back against the weapon. "I don't know!" she yelled. Shampoo pulled the chúi back. "You hide Ranma!" she said. "You too... die!" She lunged at Akane, swiping with the chúi and slashing through the wall as Akane jumped to safety. Ranma jumped toward them. "Leave my girl alone!" he yelled, delivering a kick to Shampoo's midsection that launched her and her weapons out the door and into the garden, where Shampoo landed hard, smacking the back of her head against a rock.

Ranma helped Akane up. He looked out at the unmoving Amazon. "Kami, I think I killed her," he said. Akane clung to him. "You were defending me, Ranma," she said. "You didn't do anything wrong." A thought struck both of them, as their eyes widened in unison. "I just beat her as a man," he muttered. Akane nodded. "If she's all right, she's going to be hunting down your male side, too." Both clutched eachother in worry as they saw the Chinese girl stir and sit up. "She's... not... dead..." Ranma said, pushing Akane behind him protectively. Shampoo stood and walked to him, looking at him coldly just like she did the first time he beat her.

Without warning, she threw her arms him. "Wo ai ni," she muttered. Ranma was thoroughly confused. "What the hell is she doing?" he asked. He'd barely stopped speaking when Shampoo thrust her face to his, forcing a kiss. Ranma put a hand to her cheek, pushing her face away from his. "Gah!" he cried. "I have a fiancée! Get off of me!" He released her face to grab for her arms, but as soon as he did, she pushed her lips to his again. He again pushed her face away. "Akane," he said over his shoulder, "you mind prying her arms loose? If I move my hand she's going to kiss me again." He felt Akane's hands pry Shampoo's arms from his shoulders, as he backed up to stand next to Akane. "You saw that I wasn't enjoying that, right?" he asked. Akane nodded silently.

Soun entered the room. "What's all the noise?" he asked. "Well, I'm not really sure," Kasumi replied. "This girl came in and started kissing and hugging him. He and Akane had to pry her off." Soun looked to Genma, who produced a beach ball and started his 'innocent zoo animal' routine. Shampoo reached into her shirt and pulled out a small book. Soun took it and started reading it. "What does it say?" Ranma asked. Soun tossed the book to the table. "You know perfectly well I can't read a word of Chinese," he retorted.

"The laws of the Amazons," Nabiki said. The others turned to see the middle Tendo holding the book. She continued reading. "In the event that a warrior is defeated by an outside woman, she must give her the kiss of death, and kill her without delay. If this outsider is a man, the Amazon must make the man her husband." Ranma shook his head. "I'm getting tired of being engaged to women without my consent," he muttered. "Just because the first one worked out doesn't mean I want to keep going through it." He turned to Akane. "Akane... you okay?" he asked gently. Akane nodded in silence; Ranma started to worry about her lack of words. "You know I'm not going anywhere, right?" he asked. Akane buried her head in his arm. "Yeah, I know," she whispered.

Ranma turned to Shampoo as he grabbed Akane's hand. "Shampoo," he began slowly. "Listen very carefully. I am not going to marry you. Ever. I am marrying this girl, and I'd defend her with my life. Please, just give up on this Amazon law thing and pretend you never met me." Shampoo rushed to him, nearly planting a kiss on him before he got his hand in front of his face. "Okay, you're not hearing me," he said.

Nabiki looked at her future brother-in-law. "All right, Saotome," she said. "How are you going to get rid of her?" Ranma thought for a moment. "I know," he said, and ran from the room, with the blue-haired Amazon following close behind.

An hour later, he returned alone. "I ran halfway across Tokyo and managed to lose her," he said. "Keep the doors and windows closed."

* * *

"Ranma?"

Ranma stirred, waking and looking up at his fiancée, who was standing in the doorway to his room. "Hey, Akane," he said, smiling at her. At that point, the sleepiness receded enough for him to realize that something was laying on him that shouldn't have been. Specifically, the arm of Shampoo, who had apparently snuck in during the night. 'Damn it,' he thought, 'I thought I had this place secure!' He put his finger to his lips silently as he slowly slid out from under her arm. If he could avoid waking her, it was sure to make his morning easier. He rose and tiptoed to Akane, pushing her out and closing the door behind him. "She must have snuck in last night," he whispered. Akane looked skeptical.

"You don't really think I let her in, do you?" he asked. "My feelings for you aside, you think I'd be stupid enough to mess around with somebody that's trying to kill my female side? If I were looking for a girl on the side, there are much safer alternatives." Akane looked at the floor. Ranma wrapped her in a hug. "Just because I fell in love with you," he whispered, "doesn't mean I'd do it for any other girl I got forced into an engagement with, all right?" Akane looked at him for a second, before hugging him tightly. "I know," she whispered.

The two of them managed to sneak out of the house without waking Shampoo, and broke into a sprint toward the high school. Ranma prayed that Furinkan would be a safe spot to lay low from Shampoo while he and Akane planned a way to get rid of her for good.

* * *

Ranma and Akane sat at a lunch table. They had been discussing ways to get rid of Shampoo. So far, the planning wasn't going very well: their two ideas were to either kill her or trick her into getting onto a boat or plane that would take her halfway across the world. Ranma had even retrieved a phone book and was taking down the numbers of local travel agencies. He didn't know how much a plane ticket to Mexico was, but it couldn't be cheap. "How do you plan to get her on a plane?" Akane asked. Ranma answered without looking up. "Well, I can't trust her to get on the plane without me," he said. "From everyone I've asked, they load the plane from the front. I think Shampoo'll believe anything I tell her, so I'll tell her I want to go on a trip." Akane nodded. "Uh huh," she said. Ranma looked up from the phone book. "So, if I get tickets at the very back of the plane," he said, "I can get on the plane with her and take her to the seats. Then I'll tell her I need to use the can or something, and go back up front. In the crowd of people getting on, if I can get out of her sight, I can bolt back out of the door and off the plane without her knowing. Then, she'll be stuck on it until it lands. She'll still know where we live, but with any luck, she doesn't know Spanish and won't be able to figure anything out on the ground."

"You don't think she'd kick up enough of a fight to crash the plane, do you?" Akane asked. "After all, she does seem to like crashing through walls." Ranma furrowed his brow. "You're right," he said. "If I stick her on a plane, she's liable to kill everyone on board. Damn it! Well... back to the drawing board, I guess." He slammed the phone book shut and looked wearily at his fiancée. "I know I've asked this a million times already," he said, "but you do believe me about Shampoo kissing me and getting in my bed, right? You know I'm not interested..." Akane shook her head. "Yes, I believe you," she said, "and stop asking that. You're driving me nuts."

Just then, a loud crash interrupted their talk. A wall crumbled, revealing a familiar Amazon. "Great," Ranma mumbled, "she knows where I go to school." Ranma stood and walked over to her. "Shampoo," he said slowly, "you absolutely can not follow me here. You can't be with me at school. Ever. Got it?" Shampoo produced a silver platter with a domed cover, setting it on Ranma and Akane's table. "But dutiful wife make husband delicious lunch!" she replied cheerfully. Ranma rubbed his temples. "Damn it," he said, "I am not your husband." Shampoo put her hands on the lid of the dish. "Husband like lunch, yes?" she asked, lifting the lid. He nearly fainted at the sight.

Lying on the silver platter was the motionless form of Ryoga, as a pig, lying amongst a smattering of vegetables. Akane jumped to her feet in horror, rushing to Ranma's side. "Ranma," she said, "isn't that..." Ranma nodded silently, before having a realization. "She couldn't have cooked him," he said, "or he'd have changed forms." "Not if she baked him," Akane replied. Shampoo picked the pig up with chopsticks. "Say ah!" she said. "Shampoo make delicious Canton-style pork!"

Ranma stared at the prone pig. Asshole or not, there was absolutely no way Ranma was going to _eat_ him. Of course, he had to be sure that Ryoga was even dead; he didn't look cooked. Ranma flicked the pig hard on the nose. "Ryoga!" he whispered. Ryoga's eyes fluttered open, and he immediately appeared frightened. He tried to back away from Ranma, but in his flailing managed only to turn himself toward Shampoo, the sight of whom apparently scared him even more. Ranma took him from Shampoo. "Shampoo," he said, "don't ask why, but this particular pig is no good for eating." He walked to the window and tossed Ryoga out of it; he saw the pig land in a bush and scurry away.

Shampoo looked confused. "Why husband no like lunch?" she asked. Ranma started to speak, but apparently Akane had heard the word 'husband' one too many times. She jumped in Shampoo's face. "Enough!" she cried. "He is not your husband! He is going to marry _me_! Not you! Now leave us alone!" Shampoo was momentarily taken aback, before her face took on a cold look... one that Ranma recognized immediately. "Akane, get away," he said, grabbing for her arm, but he was too late. Shampoo put a hand to Akane's chin and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Obstacle is for killing," she said plainly.

Ranma put a hand over his eyes shakily. "Oh no, Akane," he said. Akane, however, was defiant. "I accept your challenge," she said to Shampoo. "Let's settle this." Ranma grabbed her arm. "Akane, please," he begged. "Please don't do this. I know you're good enough to beat her, but unless you kill her, you'll be in the exact same boat I'm in." Akane wrapped him in a hug. "You've defended me plenty," she said. "It's time I defend _us_." She kissed him gently. "Don't worry about me," she said. She ran out the door, with Shampoo giving chase.

Ranma ran after them, but lost them after just a few seconds. He ran outside, frantically searching for his fiancée and the Amazon. He raced across the front yard of the school and toward the athletic fields, not seeing a sign of them. He turned a corner, and gasped at the sight: Akane, lying motionless on the ground. He ran to her and knelt by her prone form. "Akane?" he asked frantically. He was about to reach for her face to see if she was breathing, when her eyes opened. "Akane!" he said, relieved. "Thank Kami! I thought you were dead!" Akane looked at him in confusion. "I'm sorry," she said, "but do I know you?"

Ranma stared in disbelief. "It's me... Ranma... your fiancée..." he replied. Akane's eyes widened. "Fiancée?" she said, confused. "I'm not engaged! I don't even know you!" Just then, several of their classmates ran to them. "Akane!" one girl called out. Akane turned to the group. "Oh, hi guys," she said. The girl squinted at her. "Are you okay, Akane?" she asked. "That Shampoo girl looked really tough." Akane chuckled. "I'm fine," she answered. Ranma shook his head. "I wouldn't say that," he said. Akane looked at him, confused. "Who is that guy?" she whispered to her friend. The girl looked as confused as Ranma was. "That's Ranma," she answered. "Your fiancée."

Akane concentrated. "Ranma?" she asked, searching her brain. Suddenly, she grabbed the sides of her head, cringing in pain and dropping to her knees. Ranma rushed to her, but she stood up after a beat, apparently fine. "I know," she said. "That's the same name as that German tank commander!" Ranma shook his head. "That's Rommel," he answered.

_(A/N: Let's skip the rest of these lines. They get old unbelievably quickly.)_

"Okay," Ranma said, "I have an idea. I need you to tell me exactly what you remember."

"I chased Shampoo out here. I swung at her, and I don't remember anything else. Did she knock me out?"

Ranma thought for a couple of seconds. "Okay, couple of questions."

"Shoot."

"How do you know Shampoo?"

"What do you mean? I don't really know her; I was challenged by her."

"Let me rephrase that. How did you meet her? What were the circumstances?"

Akane thought for a moment, her face going blank, before she grabbed her head in pain. After a moment, she looked up, apparently fine. "I'm sorry, what were we talking about?"

"I have a question, and I'm kind of afraid to ask now, but I have to. I want you to try to remember... what was it you and Shampoo were fighting over?"

"She challenged me. A martial artist never turns down a challenge."

"Yeah, but... _why_ did she challenge you? What was she mad about? What did she want?"

Again, Akane scrunched her face in pain, grabbing the sides of her head. Ranma grabbed her arm. "Don't worry about it!" he said quickly. Akane recovered, looking at Ranma and yanking her arm away. "Hey, who are you?" she asked, annoyed. "Why are you touching me?"

Ranma sighed. "You know me and can't remember because you have some kind of amnesia," he answered. "Just trust me... we need to go see Dr. Tofu. He'll know me. We need to figure out what Shampoo did to you." With that, he walked off, motioning for Akane to follow. After a moment, she started following warily. Ranma walked ahead, trying not to get too close. He didn't want her to think he was trying to kidnap her— he knew that she had the strength to break a potential rapist in half.

He arrived at Tofu's clinic, walking in and being careful not to stand and hold the door for Akane. Normally, it was the gentlemanly thing to do, but he knew if she walked in first it would look like he was trapping her, and he didn't want to be sent flying through the door. He found Dr. Tofu in the exam room. He went in, with Akane following.

"Oh, Ranma, Akane!" Dr. Tofu said. "What can I do for you today?"

"Dr. Tofu... you know who I am, right?"

Tofu blinked in confusion. "Well, of course, Ranma. You are Akane's fiancée."

Akane's eyes widened. Ranma turned to her. "I knew you'd trust what _he_ said," Ranma said to her. He turned back to Tofu. "I found her out cold," he explained. "She has some kind of amnesia. She doesn't know who I am, but she seems to remember everything else. Any time she tries to remember, she looks like her head is hurting real bad."

Tofu nodded. He looked Akane over quickly. "No sign of any injuries," he said. "Akane... do you remember Ranma?" She stared back at him blankly. "Who's Ranma?" she asked. Tofu shook his head. "So strange," he said. "It's like no trace of you remains in her mind."

Ranma nodded. "I hate making her do this," Ranma said, "but watch. Akane, do you know what the Jusenkyo curse is?"

"Yes. It curses you so that cold water changes you into something, and hot water changes you back."

"Right. Now, where did you hear about Jusenkyo? How do you know about the curse?"

Akane thought for a moment, after which the look of pain again crossed her face. Ranma grabbed her hand, and she looked up, the pain appearing to be gone. She looked at Ranma in confusion, snatching her hand away. "Sorry," Ranma said, "I thought you were in distress." The explanation seemed to satisfy her.

"Akane, how did you feel when you awoke?" Tofu asked. Akane thought for a moment. "Refreshed," she said. Tofu looked like he had an idea. "I think I know what it is," he said. "It's an old Shiatsu martial arts technique. Xi Fa Xiang Gao." Ranma was about to ask what it was, when his father, in panda form, burst through the door. He held up a sign: "YOU'RE RIGHT!" He started to mime, barely making any sense to the observers. Ranma put his palm to his face. "Change back, old man," he muttered.

Once human, Genma sat and described what had happened, having witnessed the fight. Shampoo jumping to Akane's back, whipping in some kind of shampoo, lathering and rinsing, all in a few seconds. The listeners sat in wonder. "I've never heard of anyone using the technique with such speed," Tofu said. He took Betty the skeleton's head. "Xi Fa Xiang Gao," he said, "is a technique in which a special Chinese herbal shampoo is applied while special pressure points on the head are pressed. If done correctly, it allows for the selective manipulation of memory. It's an extremely difficult technique... even doing it slowly requires a great deal of skill."

Ranma nodded. "Can we reverse it?"

"You'd need the shampoo."

"You know how to do the pressure points?"

"It's not the pressure points that reverses it. There are herbal shampoos that counteract the effects of the one she used. If you can get the shampoo, I can find an antidote."

Ranma stood. "Then I have an Amazon to find," he said. "Pop, take Akane home and tell everybody what's wrong with her. Whatever you do, don't try to get her to remember, it causes her pain. If I have to cross Japan, I'm going to find that damned Amazon." With that, he sprang out the door.

* * *

Ranma returned to the Tendo home hours later, having found no trace of Shampoo. He planned only to ask if anyone had seen her, before taking off again. All three Tendo sisters came to meet him. Ranma looked at Akane, and could tell she still didn't recognize him. The worried look on Kasumi's face confirmed it. He leaned against the wall, catching his breath after an hour of running. Just then, a pair of panda hands covered his eyes. He angrily grabbed an arm. "This is no time for jokes, pop!" he yelled, grabbing an arm to fling the intruder across the room. To his surprise, only one panda arm flew... or more correctly, a panda forearm on a stick. Ranma spun around to find himself face to face with Shampoo. "I fool you!" she said cheerfully.

Shampoo glomped onto him, only angering him more than her antics already had. Without warning, a fist flew past his face, aimed for Shampoo and narrowly missing. Ranma looked to see Akane, who retracted her arm in confusion. "I'm sorry," Akane said, "I don't know what came over me." "A conditioned reflex," Nabiki said. Kasumi nodded, looking emotional. "Somewhere, deep down, she must remember him," she said.

Shampoo looked at Akane with irritation. "You strong enemy," she said. "Shampoo have to try again!" She sprang at Akane, but was quickly knocked down by Ranma. He made a grab for the shampoo bottle she was holding, but she jumped to her feet and ran out the door. "Shampoo!" he yelled bolting out after her.

After a brief foot chase, Ranma cornered her in an alley a few blocks away.

"Shampoo, give me that bottle!"

"What you want Chinese shampoo for?"

"I'm going to find the antidote shampoo, that's what!"

Shampoo pulled another bottle out. "Shampoo _have_ antidote shampoo!"

"You _what_? Give me that!"

Shampoo slid the bottle into her cleavage. "Come get it!"

Ranma took a step toward her. "Shampoo," he said threateningly, "I am not the slightest bit afraid to stick my hand in there and reach for it. Hand it over!" Shampoo shook her head. Ranma jumped at her, jamming his hand down her shirt. She let out a shriek, causing a number of house lights to come on around them, but before anyone could come outside, Ranma had the bottle. "Number 911," he said, reading the label. "If you really knew me, you'd know not to keep the antidote nearby. This had better be real." He jumped atop a nearby wall, looking back at the defeated Shampoo. "Oh, and by the way," he said smugly, "her boobs are _way_ nicer than yours." He jumped away.

* * *

Ranma, Tofu, Genma, Soun, Kasumi and Nabiki sat at the main room table in anticipation. "We'll know if it worked once she comes out," Tofu said. Everyone turned at a sound at the door, where Akane now stood. Ranma rose from his seat. "Akane," he whispered. "Please say you know me." Tears welled in Akane's eyes as she ran to him. "Of course I do!" she cried, bursting into tears as they wrapped eachother in a hug. Sounds of happy relief came from the others in the room. They sat at the table. "So, Akane," Tofu said, "how much do you remember of today?" "All of it." she said. "I remember not knowing who Ranma was. It just seems weird to think about now... that I couldn't remember him."

Ranma stood. "Well it's not over yet," he said. We still have to deal with..." He stopped, laying eyes on the figure of Shampoo, who stood in the doorway to the garden. "Ranma," she said. "You Shampoo's husband by Amazon law. _Shampoo no quit!_" Ranma was in no mood for another fight. He needed a way to get rid of her. Why, oh why, did firearms have to be illegal in Japan? Suddenly, an idea came to him. It was dangerous, but it would at least stop the attacks against Akane.

And that was more important than anything else.

Ranma walked up to Shampoo. "Shampoo," he said, "there's something you need to know about. Come with me outside." Ranma walked to the garden, with Shampoo gleefully following. He walked to the edge of the koi pond. "I'm not who you think I am," he said, turning toward the pond. "Ranma!" Akane yelled from the house, but he wasn't about to stop. He stepped off the edge, dropping into the water and turning his black hair to red. The now-female Ranma climbed out of the pond and stood before Shampoo, who looked on in shock. "Girl-type Ranma?" she asked.

"That's right. I'm a crossdresser. This is my real form. I'm a girl, not a boy."

Shampoo stared in shock, before reddening with anger. She sprang at Ranma, who braced for impact. A moment passed, and nothing happened. Ranma looked up to see Shampoo with tears in her eyes. "Bie liao," she said softly, jumping away. Nabiki leaned out from the door to the house. "Bie liao," she said, looking at the Amazon book. "Goodbye forever."

Ranma sighed in relief, walking back into the house. Akane took her hand. "Ranma," she said. "How did you know it would make her leave?"

"I didn't. I thought that she'd start attacking me and leave _you_ alone, since you wouldn't be an obstacle anymore. That's all I was worried about."

* * *

_A/N: Sorry if the grabbing-the-bottle-out-of-her-shirt seemed a little half-assed, but when I thought about it, it was really the only way to go. First, this is the way I would do things, and I would indeed have grabbed the bottle, even if she'd put it... in there. Second, if I bent that to have him promise to beat the red-head half to death, I'd have to figure out a way to do that scene without Ryoga, which would have been about impossible._

_Oh, by the way, did you like how I had Ryoga show up for a second. Just because he isn't friends with the couple doesn't mean he isn't in a position where Shampoo could find him in pig form._

_As for the next chapter: the next parts of the storyline are 1) cat-fu, and 2) Shampoo's return. I'm going to do those separately. Comparing the anime and manga versions of this story arc (and if you didn't know, they're vastly different), I'm going to take some of each, but I will tell you this: the next chapter will feature Hikaru Gosunkugi like the manga, not Sasuke like the anime. I have some good ideas for that pale pipsqueak._


	7. Amazons Suck

_A/N: Wow, another chapter! This update took a while, and I apologize for that. I have two good reasons: 1) I've been busy IRL, and 2) this chapter is _long_. It didn't occur to me when I planned it, but this part of the series involves multiple story arcs that can't easily be separated: Ranma's fear of cats, the Gosunkugi (manga)/Sasuke (anime) intro, Shampoo's return and Cologne's intro, the cat tongue, Mousse's intro, and some that I wound up not needing (breaking point, chestnut fist, and the melon race (manga)/snowman race (anime)). Usually, these chapters run about twelve pages in OpenOffice, the Tofu x Kasumi chapter was a bit shorter; this one is twenty-two. I thought about doing a hard split right in the middle, but I didn't want to upload half and then change my mind on the ending, only to be blocked by what I'd already written. I tend to go through these chapters front-to-back more than once._

_So I was thinking that nobody had responded to the last two chapters... I hadn't received any email alerts of new reviews. After this last chapter, it occurred to me that I wasn't getting any story update alerts, either. I checked the spam folder, nothing, so I dug through the login section here on the website. All of my alerts had turned themselves off! So I'm glad to know that people are still reading, and annoyed that I missed any updates that might have been posted in the previous couple of weeks. And... paranoid that it's going to happen again. So, if you've stopped getting your email updates, check that._

_Per Tuatara's review: thanks for point out the typo; I'll fix that... eventually. I read these over before I upload them, but sometimes I miss the little stuff. And re: Shampoo's hair... I've seen it called lavender and I've seen it called purple. I dunno; it always looked blue to me, so that's what I called it. For everyone's mental image, I intended it to be the same as in the original story. And, re: Pu7o, and to everyone, this was my thinking in the last chapter: I knew I had to make some serious changes to Akane's memory returning. Ryoga was out of the picture, and with Ranma and Akane getting along, the screaming insults wouldn't work, either. I considered having her memory returning with a kiss, or something to that effect. Ultimately, though, my original intent was to write this how I would have done it. I found myself thinking through the decision process, and in the end, I realized that _I_ would have just grabbed the stupid bottle. If you poisoned my fiancée, I'd to be mad enough to do just that. I could have written something more substantial, but it would have defeated my original purpose._

_So, on we go to the next chapter. We're all the way up to volume five in the manga. Ranma has a certain pale, skinny photographer to pummel. Enjoy. FYI; I don't really have a cat phobia, but I didn't go through cat-fu at the age of six, either. We'll just assume that cat-fu would have given me such a phobia; it probably would have._

* * *

"That fool Saotome," Gosunkugi muttered. He knelt next to the basement window of Furinkan, camera in hand. Unbeknownst to him, Ranma was standing directly behind him. In fact, he'd been there for a few minutes already. He was there to walk home with Akane, and, well, it's hard not to notice someone peering in a window in broad daylight. He quietly pulled a paper bag from his school bag, blew it up, and, with a swing of the arm, popped it directly behind Gosunkugi's head. He got a good laugh out of watching the pale freak nearly jumped out of his skin. Before he could lay into him, several of their classmates ran up to them. "Gosunkugi," one said, "are you taking pictures of Akane? Make me copies, okay?" Ranma gave the group a look that made them step back slowly with their hands raised.

He grabbed the camera. "Gosunkugi," he said, "let me try to make this perfectly clear. If I ever catch you taking pictures of my fiancée again, this camera is going to be taking close-up pictures of your colon. Am I clear?" Gosunkugi swallowed nervously. "Yeah, sure, Saotome," he said. Ranma turned the camera toward him, snapping a picture to blind him with the flash. "Good," he said, shoving the camera in Gosunkugi's hands. As he turned to walk away, he felt a pain in the back of his head. He spun around to see Gosunkugi holding a hair that he'd plucked. "Gosunkugi, what the..." he said, as the pale boy smiled and scurried away. "That boy ain't right," he muttered.

Ranma walked around the front of the school, seeing no sign of Gosunkugi. He was, however, promptly confronted by Kuno. "Saotome!" the upperclassman yelled, swinging his bokken at Ranma. Ranma dodged while planting a kick on Kuno's chin, flattening him. "What do you want, Kuno?" he asked. Kuno held up a challenge letter, which Ranma took as he rolled his eyes. "You need to learn when to quit," Ranma muttered, walking away. If nothing else, Kuno's constant attacks were damn irritating.

* * *

Over the next few days, Ranma became aware of Gosunkugi's constant presence. Apparently, skeleton boy had replaced his fondness for photographing Akane with a habit of photographing Ranma. Ranma made sure to discreetly extend a middle finger every time Gosunkugi went for a photo, in classic Hawaiian-good-luck-sign fashion. He oped that the walking skeleton would figure out that he wasn't hiding well enough and give it up.

After about a week, he received a note from Gosunkugi:

SAOTOME

MEET ME ON

TOP OF UPPER-

CLASSMAN KUNO'S

HEAD IN THE

TRAINING HALL

GOSUNKUGI

Ranma, always one to please, went to the training hall after school the following day. Finding Kuno there, he promptly pounced onto his head, driving him face-first into the mat. Gosunkugi snuck out from behind a curtain, carrying a box. Without warning, he threw its contents onto Ranma— a snake, spider, millipede, lizard, and about a dozen other slimy creatures. Other than the frog that started to go down his shirt, Ranma wasn't terribly affected. He tossed the green amphibian at Gosunkugi, who jumped out of the way. "What the hell are you doing, Gosunkugi?" he asked.

The pale boy smiled eerily. "I never did find his weak spot," he said to Kuno, "so I thought I'd see if he was phobic about any of these creatures." Ranma smirked; _now_ things made sense. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news," Ranma said to both of them, "but I don't have any weak spots. See you later." He started to leave, but Kuno jumped to his feet. "Wait!" he cried. "Everyone has a weakness!"

"Fine, Kuno, I have a weakness for brown-haired martial artists named Akane. Happy?"

"Saotome, you mock me!"

"Duh."

"If you truly have no fear, Saotome, then you should have no fear to make a wager."

Ranma put his palm to his face. "Wager?"

"If I find your weakness, you must permit me to date your pigtailed sister!"

"What makes you think she'd want to date _you_?"

"Every woman desires a date with Tatewaki Kuno! _You_ are the one who has stood between us!"

Ranma laughed. "Fine," he said, "it's a bet. Good luck with that." He turned and walked out of the training hall. Secretly, however, he was worried. He really _did_ have a weakness. A big one. The last thing he needed was for those idiots to find out what it was and spread it all over school.

Ranma heard a rustling from a bush nearby. Expecting it to be Gosunkugi again, he thrust his hand in and lifted. He didn't find a pale creep, however; he found a small furry animal.

"Meow?"

"GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Ranma and Akane walked along the aqueduct, hand in hand. She was the first thing he'd seen when he'd regained consciousness. She gave his hand a squeeze.

"So, you going to tell me what scared you so bad you passed out?" she asked.

Ranma sighed. "Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"Of course I won't!"

"All right." He looked out across the aqueduct. This was going to be hard to say. He took a breath. "It was a cat."

"A cat?"

"Yeah."

"Something big, or like... a little house cat?"

"A house cat. I... kind of have a thing about cats. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I've been trying to shake it since I was a kid and I can't get rid of it."

"Since you were a kid? How long have you been like this?"

"Since my dad put me through a certain training exercise when I was six. I could go into detail, but I think I'll make _him_ explain it."

They kept walking in silence. Ranma had been a little worried that Akane might laugh, but if she found it funny, she didn't show it. A few minutes later, they arrived back at the Tendo house.

Genma, in panda form, and Soun were playing shogi in the doorway to the garden. Ranma spotted them through the doorway. Rather than go in to confront him, he went straight to the kitchen, where Kasumi was peeling vegetables. He grabbed the tea kettle, filled it, and put it on the stove. "Do you need to change your father back?" Kasumi asked sweetly. "Oh, yeah," Ranma replied. "He has something to explain that's not going to fit on a little wooden sign."

Ranma waited for a decent volume of steam to rise from the kettle before he picked it up. The old man wasn't getting off with a comfortable changeover. With the kettle he hurried to the main room. The two adults looked at them as they entered. "HOW WAS YOUR DAY, RANMA?" Genma asked through sign. The response came as a wave of hot water.

"Ow! Damn it, boy, not so hot!"

After a moment, when the heat dissipated, Genma realized his nudity. He fumbled as Ranma tossed him the dish towel. "Cover up," Ranma said, "and explain to Akane why the sight of a house cat left me unconscious about an hour ago."

Genma spent the next ten minutes describing the cat-fu technique to those present. By the time he was finished, Nabiki and Kasumi had joined them. All of the Tendos were in shock, with the exception of Akane, who looked ready to murder the old man. "I didn't raise you to be so fragile, Ranma," Genma said simply. This was met by Ranma's foot, booting him out into the koi pond. Ranma glanced at Nabiki. "Don't even think about selling this information," he said. "If it gets out, all of my enemies are going to be using it, and that means if they show up _here._ Plus, I'll be out of the running to stop them from destroying everything." Nabiki nodded, but Ranma wasn't entirely sure she'd heed his advice.

Just then, they heard a pounding noise from the garden. They looked out, expecting it to be Genma, but instead saw Gosunkugi, with candles taped to his head, nailing some sort of voodoo doll into a tree. Akane leaned out the door. "Gosunkugi?" she called. "What are you doing?" The pale boy nearly jumped out of his skin. He turned, beaming at the sight of Akane, before immediately frowning at the sight of Ranma standing next to her. "Do I need to show you the way out?" Ranma called. Gosunkugi shrieked, jumping and scurrying away.

As if that weren't enough, they immediately heard a knock at the front door. Kasumi hurried out to get it, as everyone else sat around the table. Akane leaned against Ranma. "Don't worry about it," she said. "It's cute to have a little weak spot." Ranma shook his head. "It's too dangerous," he replied. "If my enemies found out, I'd be toast."

Kasumi returned, carrying a box. Nabiki immediately perked up. "Ooh, a present!" she said. "For me?" "No, it's for Ranma," Kasumi replied. She frowned as she read the label. "It's from Shampoo, in China," she said. Ranma began striking his head on the table. "Just what I need," he said. "Perfect freakin' timing." Kasumi shrieked as the box shook. "It's moving!" she yelled. Something inside burst through the top and landed on a china cabinet nearby. It was a purple cat.

"Gah!" Ranma screamed, leaping straight through the shoji and bounding out into the garden, stopping to hide behind a garden statue. He peeked out, watching Kasumi retrieve the cat. Akane reached for it, and it went crazy— hissing, growling, and trying to claw her. As if it being a cat weren't enough, that made Ranma hate it even more.

* * *

Kasumi eventually decided to keep the cat in her room, so that Ranma could walk around the house without going bat shit. The next morning, Ranma and Akane set off for school, both being happy not to see the purple feline as they set out.

"Seriously," Akane said, "I don't know what it is with that cat. It hates me! Maybe Shampoo trained it with a picture or something."

"They say animals can smell fear. Maybe some of mine rubbed off on you. We _do_ engage in a lot of rubbing..."

Akane stuck her tongue out at him. "Last time we'd done _that_ was the night before that cat freaked you out at school!"

"Well, and last night, but that cat was already here by then. Heh... maybe it heard us with its cat hearing."

_(A/N: If Shampoo didn't hate Akane before, she surely did after that.)_

Akane leaned on him. "Too bad you have to get back to your room before the morning. I wonder if father would let us have a room together."

Ranma nodded. "I've thought about that, and I already know the reaction. They'll jump up and down in joy, thanking Kami they they're children will be passing on the blah, blah, blah. Frankly I'm afraid to ask. But I'm sure they'd say yes. Your dad might even stick us in the bedroom downstairs since we're going to be taking over the place someday."

"We really should ask about it."

"Eh... yeah, maybe we should. Aside from the obvious reasons, it would be kinda nice to have you in the same room if Shampoo or somebody should show up in the middle of the night."

They made their way inside, where Ranma found a note inside locker. He read it.

RANMA, HELP ME!

TERRIBLE VILLIANS

ARE HOLDING ME

HOSTAGE IN

THE GYM!

SINCERELY,

AKANE

Ranma looked at Akane. "Uh, Akane," he said, "were you kidnapped overnight and got free?" Akane took the note. She read it, cocking an eyebrow. "Who signs a note like this with 'sincerely'?" she asked. They both shrugged. "It'll be way easier to deal with this now," Ranma said. "Let's head for the gym and see what trap they think I'm dumb enough to fall in."

They went to the gym, finding it unlocked. There wasn't a gym class first period, so it was dark. The stage lights, however, were on, and they illuminated Gosunkugi, dressed in a girl's school dress, tied with a rope, and wearing what Ranma assumed to be an Akane wig (which wasn't the least bit convincing, seeing as it was blonde). Akane was instantly enraged, rushing to the stage and grabbing Gosunkugi by the front of the dress. "What do you think you're doing?" she yelled. Gosunkugi seemed happy that she'd even acknowledged him. As Ranma made his way to the stage, Gosunkugi jumped up, laughing and throwing the ropes off. "You've fallen into my trap, Saotome!" he cried, jumping and grabbing a rope that was hanging from the ceiling.

With a thud, a trap door in the stage opened— directly under Akane's feet. She screamed as she dropped through the floor, with Ranma rushing to the side of the opening. He was relieved to see her standing, unhurt. He grabbed Gosunkugi by the throat. "You are _so_ dead," he growled. Gosunkugi snickered and grabbed another rope... one that sent a giant wooden statue crashing onto his own head, yanking him from Ranma's grasp and knocking him through the trapdoor, flattening him on the floor at the bottom.

Ranma hopped down the opening. He gave Akane a hug. "You okay?" he asked. She nodded. They both looked at the statue, where Gosunkugi was struggling to free himself. "I almost feel bad enough for you to not beat your ass for dropping my fiancée through a trap door," he said. Gosunkugi reached out with some difficulty. "Here, I want you to have this," he said, tossing Ranma a string of fish sausage. "Fish sausage?" Ranma said, eyes widening. "Oh, shi—"

Just then, more cats than Ranma could count began walking out of the shadows, licking their lips as they eyed the fish sausages. Hundreds of them... staring... with their beady cat eyes... and their whiskers... Ranma could feel the fear seeping in. Gosunkugi rose and laughed maniacally. "Your weakness is cats!" he cried. "Go ahead, scream! Let it all out!" Ranma looked to the cats, then to Gosunkugi, and finally to Akane's worried face. The fact that he was surrounded by cats suddenly seemed less significant when he thought of what Gosunkugi had done to her just a couple of minutes before. Then, he thought about the fact that, by being scared, he was letting Gosunkugi win.

Nobody beats Ranma.

Ranma let out a laugh, holding his composure as best he could. "Ha!" he yelled. "Did you really think you could scare me with a couple of cats?" "Well, yeah," Gosunkugi replied. Ranma threw the fish sausage in his face. "Well, you're wrong, numbnuts!" he yelled. "C'mon Akane, let's go." He grabbed for Akane, or who he thought was Akane, but in his mental state he started dragging Gosunkugi away. Akane grabbed the pale boy out of Ranma's hand. "Stop!" she yelled. "Take that dress off, Gosunkugi!" Ranma, meanwhile, was starting to lose his composure. He could feel his extremities start to shake. His ability to ignore the hundred fuzzballs surrounding him was cracking. "A... kane?" he muttered. She looked to him, noticing how badly he was faring. She grabbed him by the arm and started leading him to the nearest door. "Come on, Ranma," she said. "Let's go." She reached for the door knob, as Gosunkugi reached toward them. "Akane, don't..." he muttered quietly. "Butt out!" she yelled back. She reached for the knob, opening the door and staring face-to-face with a tiger that was standing behind it.

Ranma stared in fright at the tiger... just a giant cat... the other cats in the room ran behind him, crawling all over him... he could feel their paws on what seemed like every inch of him...

Everything went black.

* * *

Ranma awoke, wet and female, lying flat on her back and looking up at a red-faced Akane. She sat up, realizing that they were behind a bush somewhere by the athletic fields. "What happened?" she asked. She racked her brain, but couldn't think of anything after that tiger. "The last thing I remember," she said, "was being surrounded by cats. Did I go cat crazy?" Akane nodded silently. Ranma grew concerned, putting an arm around Akane. Something else happened; she was sure of it. Akane definitely wasn't acting like herself. "What's the matter?" she asked. Akane swallowed. "You went running around the school on all fours, meowing," she replied. "Then you landed in my lap, and, in front of everybody, you gave me a... cat kiss."

Ranma buried her head in her hands. "The whole school?" she moaned. She'd never felt more humiliated in her entire life. First, her weakness was out. Second, the entire school had watched her running around on all fours and meowing. "Kami, how can I ever show my face here again?" she said. She wrapped Akane in a hug. "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you," she said. "I lose control when I'm like that. How did you snap me out of it?"

"Your dad showed up. After he couldn't snap you out of it, I asked about water. He said you'd never been like that since your curse, so it was worth a try."

Ranma's eyes widened. Something else occurred to her. "Tell me please that the whole school didn't see me change. It's bad enough that they saw me acting like a cat."

"No, I dragged you back here first."

"Akane, right now I love you more than I could possibly describe."

"Ranma... if you're not in control... would you do something like that to anybody?"

"Like what?"

"The... kiss."

"I don't really know. If I've ever done it before, pop didn't tell me."

Akane nodded sadly. Ranma hugged her again. "You know I wouldn't mean it," she whispered. "You're the only person I'd want to kiss."

* * *

They arrived at home, and Ranma headed straight for the furo. Nothing was sounding better at that moment than getting her pole back and being able to relax. Actually, some quality time with Akane would be pretty damn relaxing too, but that would have to wait until he'd settled himself.

She filled the furo and quickly showered off, being glad to feel the change in height that indicated the transition back into manhood. The now-male Ranma quickly sat in the furo, sitting back and closing his eyes. The heat soaked in, and he could feel the tension starting to ease. He did his best to push the thoughts of the day out of his mind. He'd worry about the embarrassment later.

Just when he'd started to relax, he heard a sound— one he did _not_ want to hear.

"Meow?"

Ranma opened his eyes see the purple cat standing on the floor. "C.. cat!" he yelled, starting to stand. Before he could get away, the cat leapt at him, landing in the furo. After a second, a familiar blue-haired Amazon sprang up from underwater. "Nihao!" she said cheerfully. Ranma stared. "Sh... Shampoo?" he stammered.

Shampoo threw her arms around him, as he immediately tried to get away. He managed to step out of the furo, but her grip on his neck left him half-pulled in. "Shampoo, get off of me!" he yelled. Shampoo only squeezed tighter. "Oh, Ranma, Shampoo so happy!" she cried. "You no woman! You real man!" Ranma navigated his hands to her shoulders, pushing down as hard as he could. "Damn it, get off!" he yelled.

He heard the furo door behind him, as Shampoo looked up. He turned to see a wide-eyed Akane standing in the doorway. "Akane!" he yelled. "She snuck in here! I can't get her off!" Akane didn't move, looking more shocked than anything else. "Akane!" he yelled again. Akane snapped out of her mini-trance, rushing over to them and hauling the both of them out of the furo. "Cold water!" Ranma yelled. "Turn the shower on us! She's cursed!" Akane grabbed the shower and did as Ranma said, staring in shock at the purple cat sitting on the now-female Ranma.

Ranma immediately became aware of the presence of a feline. "Cat!" she screamed, throwing Shampoo off and running naked into the hallway. She regained her senses after making it to the main room (and showing her full frontal to Soun and the other Tendo sisters), and ran to her room, quickly throwing some clothes on. When she came back down, she found Akane and Shampoo, still a cat, staring daggers at eachother from opposite ends of the table.

"Akane," Ranma said. "She was a cat when I first saw her. She must have snuck in through the window or something, I dunno." Akane nodded. "I believe you," she said, "and that freak's gonna die for sneaking into the bath with my fiancée!" Shampoo lunged at Akane, who kicked the cat mid-air, sending her flying through the doorway and into the garden. Ranma and Akane raced to the doorway, watching her land beyond the wall. Ranma ran and jumped on top of the wall, searching for the cat, but she saw nothing. "I don't know where she went," she called back to Akane. "She's probably still around somewhere!"

Just then, Ranma became aware of something flying down at her. She dodged a strike from the unknown intruder, staring in confusion at the old woman who landed opposite her. The woman smiled sweetly. "My poor cursed son-in-law," she said. "We'll meet again!" She sprang away as Akane walked up to her. "What was that?" she asked. Ranma jumped down. "Some old woman," Ranma replied. "She called me 'son in law'. Something to do with Shampoo. I'm sure of it."

* * *

The next day, Ranma and Akane arrived home from school to a horrifying sight— Shampoo, sitting at the main room table and eating ramen with the rest of the family. "Shampoo's moved to Japan," Kasumi told them cheerfully. Why this was good news to her was anybody's guess. Ranma leaned close to Akane. "I wouldn't eat anything she brings," he whispered, getting a nod in agreement. Shampoo held a bowl out to Ranma; he shook his head. "Have some you guys," Nabiki said. "There's extra that will go to waste otherwise."

A familiar-looking old woman popped up from under the table. "I'll have a bowl," she said, grabbing one of the bowls. Ranma pointed. "You're the old woman that came at me yesterday!" he said. "Oh, you meet Shampoo's great grandmama?" Shampoo asked. The old woman stared at Ranma. "Be a man and marry Shampoo," she said. "Why must you be so stubborn?" Soun leapt to his feet. "I'm sorry, but it's already been decided!" he cried. "Ranma is to marry Akane and carry on the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts!" Ranma wrapped an arm around Akane and pulled her close. "I ain't marrying anybody else," he said plainly.

Shampoo stood and glared at Ranma. "Ranma, Shampoo get Jusenkyo curse because of you! You no care about that?" Ranma and Akane stared in confusion. "Because of me?" Ranma asked.

A few minutes later, the old woman had explained the story of Shampoo's training accident. It left Ranma shaking his head. "You could've trained anywhere you wanted," he said. "It was your own stupid decision to go to the cursed springs. You ain't pinnin' this one on me." The old woman lunged at him, striking him on the head with her staff.

"Dummy, if it weren't for your refusal to marry Shampoo, she wouldn't have had to train in the first place!"

"Yeah, well, if she could fight better, I wouldn't have beaten her as a girl way back in China!"

The old woman struck him again with her staff. Ranma lunged for her, but missed. While many opponents had ended up being less than a challenge, it was indisputable that this old ghoul could run circles around him. She jumped onto his head and leapt, flying out the door and into the garden. Ranma chased after her, giving chase as she leapt over the garden wall. As soon as he landed, however, she was gone. He set out walking, trying to find her, or at least lure her out from wherever she was hiding. Eventually, he found her atop the Tendo's front gate. He jumped and landed as silently as he could. The old ghoul was talking to herself. "Snot-nosed kid... it'll take another hundred years of training if you expect to catch me... brat..." Ranma smirked. "A hundred years goes by pretty quick," he said, amused to see her jump at the sound of his voice.

"I didn't even hear you land. Just what I expected from Shampoo's groom."

"Don't call me that, you old ghoul. I'm marrying Akane and no one else. Get it through your thick head."

The old woman grabbed her staff, swinging it and striking Ranma gently in the midsection. There was something wrong with that strike. It didn't hurt, but he could tell she'd done... something. It left a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. The old woman smiled sweetly. "In a couple days, you'll be begging to be Shampoo's fiancée," she said, jumping away.

* * *

Ranma, a girl, climbed out of the koi pond after a morning spar with Genma. She was irritated at getting knocked in, even though it happened every morning. She found Kasumi cleaning the table in the main room. "Akane back from her jog?" she asked. Kasumi smiled. "No, she's still out," came the cheerful replied. Ranma nodded in silence, heading toward the furo. As she reached the hallway, she almost ran into the returning Akane. She gave her fiancée a quick kiss. "Feel like a like a little alone time after I get a bath?" she whispered in Akane's ear. "I could really use some relaxation this morning." Akane nodded. Ranma kissed her again, heading toward the furo. "I'll be out in a minute," she called back.

Ranma entered the furo, happily shedding her dripping gi. Nothing sounded better at that moment than a soak in the warm bath. Well... the few minutes alone with Akane sounded better, but she kind of needed to get male first. After a quick cold shower, she sat on the side of the furo, swung her legs around, and literally hopped in.

She'd never felt a burning pain so severe in her life.

The now male, but burning, Ranma leapt from the furo, screaming as he scrambled for the shower. He got the water on, and settled as the cold water took the burn (and his manhood) away. The door opened and Akane rushed in, frightened.

"Ranma! What's wrong?"

"I hopped into the furo a little too fast. I got the water too hot. Sorry I scared you."

Akane looked confused. She sat on the side of the furo and ran her fingers through it. "It's not hot at all," she said. Now, it was Ranma's turn to be confused. The redhead sat next to Akane, holding a hand above the water and recoiling. "Sure feels burning to me!" she said.

Ranma's eyes widened as she remembered the previous day's events. "The old ghoul..." she muttered. Akane looked at her. "Did she do something to you?" she asked. They both jumped at a cackling that came from the window— where the old woman now stood. "I certainly did," she said with a sneer. "That pressure point I touched on you made your whole body as sensitive as a cat's tongue. That means no hot water. Of course, if you agree to marry Shampoo..."

Ranma jumped up and faced her. "And what?" she cried. "You have a way to reverse this?" The old ghoul simply smiled. "Come to me when you're ready to marry Shampoo," she said, hopping back out the window.

Ranma thought for a moment. "If the hot water burns..." she mused, "maybe if I just get enough on me to change me back, I can tolerate the burning until it goes away."

"Are you sure it will go away?"

"No, but there's only one way to find out. Akane, turn the shower on hot and hit me with it. Whatever you do, don't change me back to a girl unless I tell you, no matter how much pain I'm in, okay?"

"Okay."

Akane nervously took the shower, setting the temperature. She aimed it at Ranma. As expected, Ranma turned into a guy, feeling an intense burning sensation. Akane turned the water away as soon as the transformation happened, leaving Ranma doubled over in pain.

"Ranma... are you alright?"

"I'm just... waiting to see... if the... burning... will quit."

He dropped to his knees, putting his hands on the floor. The pain was intense; his eyes watered as he tried to shut it out. Akane knelt next to him, holding him as he sat with his fists clenched. He gasped for breath through clenched teeth, biting his lip. He waited... and waited... but the pain didn't go away.

After a minute of this, he couldn't take any more. "Akane, hit me with cold," he gasped. "It's not going to stop." Akane rushed to the shower, turning her fiancée into her red-haired form. The pain subsided. Ranma sat with her back against the wall, her eyes closed in relief. She breathed deeply as the pain subsided. Akane knelt next to her. "Maybe Dr. Tofu knows something that will work," she said. Ranma nodded in silence.

* * *

Ranma, the redheaded girl, and Akane, entered Dr. Tofu's clinic. If anybody could fix this, it was Tofu. They found him in the back. After a brief description of the problem, and some poking and prodding by Tofu, he pressed a spot on Ranma's back. Ranma felt... slightly different. Tofu turned to Akane. "Akane," he said, "could you get the hot water I keep for tea? Let's see if this worked." Akane left and returned with the carafe, and Tofu poured some over Ranma's head. Much to Ranma's relief, she became a he without any searing pain. The now-male Ranma was ecstatic. "You're a lifesaver, Dr. Tofu," he said, jumping up from the table. A thought hit him. "Did you fix it for good," he asked, "or was that temporary?" Tofu fixed his glasses. "Well, there's something important..."

The ring of the telephone cut him off. Akane picked it up. "Dr. Tofu," she said, "it's Kasumi." Tofu's glasses fogged over in an all-too-familiar way. Ranma rolled his eyes as Akane tried to give Tofu the phone. After a short struggle, Tofu had the receiver right-side-up and the teens left.

"I'd better keep away from water," Ranma said. "Tofu started to say something, and it might have been that he has to do that every time, or worse." Akane held his hand. "I'm sure there's a fix," she whispered. "We'll find it." Ranma nodded silently. The quiet was interrupted by a ringing bell. Ranma turned just in time to see Shampoo's bicycle as it flattened him. He was in no mood to see _her_.

"Damn it, Shampoo, what the hell do you want?"

"Ranma! You change back... how you manage that?"

"You tell me. What the hell did the old woman do to me?"

"It full body cat tongue! It make body very sensitive to heat! But Shampoo come with good news! Shampoo know cure!"

Ranma was instantly on his feet. "Cure? What? How? You'd better be telling the truth!"

Shampoo pointed to her face. "Do these eyes lie?"

"Usually."

Shampoo smiled. "Phoenix pill! It pill that give heat resistance!"

Akane stepped forward, skeptical. "Wait a minute. Why are you telling us this?"

"Lemme guess," Ranma said. "I marry you and you give it to me. That's how to fix this, right?"

"No," Shampoo said, "great-grandmama say nothing about pill. Shampoo just know she have it!"

"So you're just telling us about this to be nice, huh?" Akane asked, her voice dripping with skepticism.

Shampoo turned her nose. "Shampoo love boy-type Ranma. Maybe pervert girl only like girl-type Ranma? Tell truth now."

"Pervert girl?"

"Actually, she seems to like either one depending on her mood," Ranma said nonchalantly. Akane's death glare refocused him. "C'mon, Akane," he said, "we have an old woman to rob." He grabbed Akane by the hand, and they ran for the restaurant. Fortunately, the Amazon's previous visit to the Tendo house had resulted in a carryout menu being left behind, so they knew the block and building they were looking for.

After a short walk, they found the Neko Hanten on a corner. Ranma crouched behind a garbage can and motioned for Akane to follow. "I ain't risking getting doused with cold water by the ghoul," he said. "We'd better keep an eye on the place and plan something." They both stared in through the windows. It was hard to see anything, being midday, but Ranma was able to make out the form of the old ghoul hopping around the restaurant. When she stepped outside to drop off a bag of garbage, he saw his target: a pill container hanging from her neck. "Look, Akane," he whispered, "that's gotta be it!"

Ranma tapped his fist against his head. "That old woman is faster than anyone I've ever seen," he muttered. "How the hell am I going to get that from her? She'll probably set a trap when she sleeps." Akane peeked over the garbage cans. "There's something taped to the door," she observed. "I'm going to go have a look. Do some up-close watching." Ranma hugged her. "Be careful," he said. Akane stood and walked casually across the street, walking up to the restaurant and examining the doors. After a moment, she turned and hurried back.

"Well?" Ranma said. Akane knelt next to him. "It says they're hiring," she said. Ranma frowned. "That _might_ be a way to get closer to the old ghoul," he said, "but it's also an easy way to end up female again. Maybe it can be a last resort. See anything else?" Akane shook her head. Ranma stood. "Well, let's head home, then," he said. "We'll have to figure something out." They stood and headed for home.

It didn't take long for their walk to be interrupted. Something in the sky caught Ranma's eye; as he jumped back, someone their age landed in the street in front of them. The boy was taller than him, with long, dark hair and wearing a white robe. He looked at Akane. "Shampoo!" he cried, glomping onto her. Ranma removed him with his fist. "Who are you calling Shampoo?" he asked the blind kid.

The new kid produced a thick pair of glasses from his robe and put them on. He looked at Ranma. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I was about to ask you the same question," Ranma replied.

"I am Mousse. I am the man who is supposed to marry Shampoo."

The ringing of a bicycle bell signaled the arrival of the subject of their talk. Ranma jumped away as Mousse was plowed over by the bicycle tire of a certain female Amazon. She looked down at him. "Mousse!" she said. "What you doing here?" Mousse jumped to his feet, glomping onto Shampoo before she sent him flying with a kick. He was back in a second.

"Shampoo, I've searched for you!"

"Mousse, we only friends from child times! We no get married! Stop bothering Shampoo!"

A familiar old woman on a stick landed in the middle of the group. "Mousse, Shampoo spurned you once before."

"That doesn't count! We were three!"

"Regardless, it has been decided. _This_ man is to be married to Shampoo."

Ranma stared at the old woman pointing at him. "No am I not!" he cried. Mousse lunged for his throat, as Ranma grabbed him by the wrists to hold him back. Akane grabbed Mousse by the long hair and yanked him away. "And who are _you?_" he asked, squinting at her.

"Akane Tendo!"

"She's just a girl whose house he's freeloading at," the old woman said. "Nothing more."

"No!" Ranma yelled. "_She_ is my fiancée! I am _not_ engaged to Shampoo! I am _never_ going to marry her! Got it?"

Cologne turned to face him. "You beat her in battle," she said. "That means you're engaged."

"Yeah, well that's the law in _your_ village. I'm staying in Japan and that means laws from China don't count. I don't care what you say, _it ain't happening_."

Mousse was enraged. "Or, you're stringing both of them along!" he screamed. "Enemy of all women! Fist of the white swan!" He swung a blow at Ranma; Ranma jumped back, but somehow, Mousse still hit him, knocking him through a wall behind him. Akane rushed to him. "Ranma!" she cried. "Are you hurt?" Ranma stood. "No," he answered. "I don't know how he managed that, though." "He's got to have a weapon," Akane answered.

"Ranma!" Shampoo yelled. "Be careful! Mousse master of hidden weapons!" Mousse laughed, swinging again, but Ranma made a quick jump, grabbing hold of whatever Mouse was swinging. To his surprise, it was a duck-shaped training toilet. Ranma stared at it incredulously. "Are you kidding me?" he asked.

Mousse smirked. Ranma threw the toilet at his head, narrowly missing him. "I'm really getting tired of you Amazons showing up in Nerima," he growled.

"Then how about we fight for it? I win, you give up Sham..."

"Shampoo is spoken for," the old woman interjected.

"Okay. If I win, you give up... Akane!"

Akane's eyes widened. Ranma clenched his fists. "You don't care at all what girl it is, do you?" he asked. "You just want your property back!" Mouse stood firm. "Is it a duel?" he asked. Ranma thought for a moment. "No," he said. "You and I need to _talk_." He grabbed Mousse by the robe. "Come on," he said.

Ranma leapt, dragging the hapless Amazon with him. He didn't stop until they reached the park, safely out of range of the others. "Okay, listen," he said. "You and I are on the same side. You want Shampoo. I don't. I want her to leave me alone, because I want to marry Akane. Got that? It seems to me it would be a lot smarter if we worked together, to get _her_ away from _me_ so she can marry _you_."

"Why should I trust you?"

"Because I don't want her, numbnuts! Did you miss that part? I only want Akane! It's _Shampoo_ that wants _me_, but I can't get rid of her! Those people have hit nerve points and used all sorts of other tricks to try to stick us together! They're driving me nuts! I want them gone!"

"And why are they going to so much trouble if you don't want her?"

"Because I beat her in a fight. I didn't know about the marriage law or I wouldn't have fought her in the first place. Now I can't get rid of her."

"So you want _me_ to help _you_?"

"If she decides she wants to marry _you_, she'll leave _me_ alone."

Mousse thought for a second. "Okay, I get you. But the law's pretty airtight. There isn't a way to break the engagement."

"Shampoo can't decide she doesn't want me?"

"No. It's a huge disgrace to come back empty handed when you've been defeated."

"What if _you_ beat her?"

"That law's for outsiders. It's embarrassing for an Amazon woman to be beaten by one of the men, but there's no marriage involved."

"Okay... what if she gets beaten by a _different_ outsider?"

Mouse thought for a second. "I don't know if that's ever happened, but... the law just says you have to make an outside man your husband if he beats you, so... I guess if a new person beat her, she'd have to chase _them_."

"Can you renounce your... Amazon... ness?"

"No. Born an Amazon, always an Amazon."

"Damn it all."

"So, what do you propose?"

"Well... if another man from Nerima can beat her, then I'm off the hook. What if the person that Shampoo has to marry dies?"

"She's free to choose, unless she gets beaten again."

"Hmm... okay we've got a few options... if we can make her think I'm dead, or if we find another guy to beat her, and she thinks _he's_ dead... or if we kill him..."

"I could kill _you_."

"Yeah, I'd like to avoid that if at all possible, thanks. Lemme think... maybe Kuno could beat her... but how would I get him to fight her... and then she'd be chasing after him and not you, and if you're here, we might as well do something to get her with you, so she's not only leaving me alone, but out of Nerima altogether. Hmm..." He tapped his head as he thought. "All right, I think we need to make Shampoo think that Ranma Saotome is dead. But here's your part of the deal. Aside from the fact that you'll eventually have to make her _want_ to marry you, you'd have to make sure she could never find out that I'm really alive. You'd have to get those two back to China fast, and make sure they never, ever come back to Japan. If they find out I'm alive, the whole thing starts over again. Can you manage that?"

"It would be easier to just kill you."

"Shut up. You in or out?"

Mouse stared ahead for a moment. "Fine, I'm in."

"Good. Let's go back to the Tendo house. I'm going to need Akane's help, and I think her sister might be able to help us, too."

* * *

An hour later, Ranma, Akane, and Mousse sat in the upstairs hallway of the Tendo house. They picked the location because it seemed like the least likely place for someone to spy on them. Unfortunately, they'd been thinking for an hour, and had yet to find a way to carry out Ranma's idea. Faking one's death sounds easy enough, but aside from being a complex undertaking, Ranma had been forgetting his curse— or more specifically, the Vulcan nerve pinch that the old bag had used to exploit it. If Ranma chased the Amazons off without getting that 'cat's tongue' thing fixed, he was in big trouble.

"Maybe I should just grab a waitressing job at their restaurant," Ranma said. "It'll at least give me a chance to make a grab for it." Akane shook her head. "But what if you can't get to it?" she asked. "You could be at it for a year!" "And in that amount of time, they'll figure out any other plans you've made for sure," Mousse chimed.

Ranma thought hard. "Is there any way I could convince the old woman that it would be in her best interest to just give it to me?" he wondered aloud. Mousse drummed his fingers on the floor. "I don't see how," he replied. "She wants you to _lose_ this thing, remember? You lose, and I take Akane away. That's what the fight's supposed to be about. Her only hope for hooking you two up is for you to lose and run to Shampoo. It would be different if she needed you to win, but as it is..."

Akane perked. "Maybe you could convince them that you had a change of heart and want Shampoo," she said. "Then she'll think you changed your fight... to fight _over_ Shampoo. Winner gets her."

"It just might work," Mousse mused. "And.. if that were the fight, it would _have_ to be a fight to the death. Otherwise, I couldn't have Shampoo if I won, just like the old woman said. The law would still apply."

"Yeah, but how am I going to do that?" Ranma asked. "She's got to know I want to marry you and not Shampoo. I've said it a hundred times!"

Akane grinned. "I think I have an idea."

* * *

To an outside observer, it must have been one heck of a sight. Akane stormed out of the house, followed by Ranma, practically crawling as he begged for forgiveness. Mousse, of course, snuck out after the pair were far enough away to draw the attention of any spies that may have been lingering. Of course, Akane's anger was merely a little acting, and the route she was storming along was predetermined— there was a big blowup planned, and it was going to go down in one particular spot.

It only took a few minutes for the faux-angry couple to reach their destination— the street in front of the Neko Hanten. Ranma made a point to glance in the restaurant, and was glad to see Shampoo and the old ghoul watching in surprise from the window.

"Ranma, you jerk! How dare you ask me something like that!"

"Aw, come on! It's not that big a deal! People do it all the time!"

"_Some_ people! Not _me_!" She burst into tears that could have earned an Oscar nomination. "I thought you loved me!"

And that was it. Akane clasped her hands to her face, running away while Ranma watched her go. Actually, his attention wasn't focused on his fiancée— he knew he had nothing to worry about there. His attention was focused behind him, listening for the sound of the restaurant door that was sure to fly open any second. Sure enough, he heard a click, and was nearly tackled as he found himself wrapped in a bear hug by the blue-haired girl.

"Oh, Ranma!" she cried. "What happen? Come inside!" This, of course, was exactly what they'd hoped would happen. Let's face it— Shampoo was a cute girl, and one hell of a fighter, but she wasn't the brightest bulb in the light fixture. Predicting her reaction was one of the easier parts of their plan.

Shampoo placed Ranma at a table, rushing to bring a huge bowl of ramen, while the old woman looked on in confusion. She was the biggest obstacle— everyone knew she had brains, and they had to make sure that she didn't see through what they were scheming. The one thing that was most likely to blow the whole scheme was for the old woman to figure them out, and they knew it was a very real possibility. Shampoo sat next to him, putting food down and wrapping her arms around him. (He'd warned Akane that there would be groping— if this was going to be convincing, he couldn't avoid all of it.) Ranma sighed, working hard to appear sullen, while secretly elated that everything was working so far.

"Akane left me," he said simply.

Shampoo was ecstatic. "Oh, Ranma! You no longer fight Amazon law? You marry Shampoo?"

"Well... there's a problem."

"What problem?"

"Your friend Mousse."

"What Mousse do?"

"Well, he saw Akane and me arguing. It was right by our house... I think he was watching us. Anyway, now that we're not fighting for Akane, he challenged me for _you_."

"Mousse can't have me! Law say Shampoo only marry you! He take Tendo girl instead!"

"He doesn't want _her_, he wants _you_. And you can't marry a dead man. He challenged me in a fight to the death. That way, he _can_ marry you if he wins."

"But why Ranma worry? Mousse no can beat you. You already know his secret!"

"I'm not so sure about that. Besides, that stupid cat tongue thing is still in me. All he has to do is get me wet, and half of my strength is gone. For all I know, he already knows about the curse."

Shampoo brightened. "Oh, but great-grandmama have cure, remember? We get rid of cat tongue right away!"

The old woman wasn't so easily convinced. Just like he'd expected. "You could be making this up to get cured," she said. Fortunately, Ranma had what he hoped would be a convincing argument. "Go find Mousse," he said. "He'll tell you. Why would he lie to help _me_?"

If she only knew.

Fortunately, that excuse _was_ good enough. The old woman bolted out the door, returning forty-five minutes later. "After a lot of searching, I tracked Mousse down in the park," she said. "I told him he was a fool, that killing you would only get Shampoo out of your marriage, and she'd still have to choose him. But... he wants to try." She reached inside of her shirt, producing a pink locket that hung from her neck. "Here," she said, tossing it to him. "The pill is inside. We need you to win. You're very skilled, but so is Mousse, and I'm not taking any chances."

Ranma nervously opened the locket. Sure enough, there was a pink pill nestled inside. He felt the urge to grab the pill and run, but that only solved his cat tongue problem. The only way to get these Amazons off his back for good was for he and Mousse to help eachother. He gingerly took the pill out, put it in his mouth, and washed it down with some ramen broth. He tested it right away, promptly sticking his fingers into the bowl of ramen. Sure enough, he didn't feel a thing out of the ordinary.

Shampoo pawed at his chest. "Ranma, now that you cured, you want to bathe with Shampoo? We go to furo. And you can sleep on big futon with Shampoo."

"Hey!" the old woman barked. "You're not married yet, Shampoo!" She eyed Ranma suspiciously. "What exactly happened between you and the Tendo girl?" she asked. Ranma summoned his inner actor, who he hoped was a Japanese George Clooney (as opposed to a Japanese Baldwin brother).

"I uh... well, I was thinking that Shampoo was awfully cute, and it wasn't like you guys would give up, with that law and all. And, of course, I wanted rid of this cat tongue thing. I told Akane that what I really wanted was to have you both, and since I had to marry Shampoo by law... I suggested maybe I could marry Shampoo and Akane could be my concubine."

The Amazons stared at him in utter shock. Shampoo acted first, grabbing him by the shirt. "Shampoo no share husband!" she said angrily. Ranma pulled her hand away. "Relax, I was going to come ask _you_ about it after I mentioned it to her," he said. "I'd have needed you both to agree to it. Not that it matters now."

"So, what you do next?" Shampoo asked.

"I fight Mousse and kill him. And, I guess, we go back to your Amazon village."

Shampoo squeezed him hard enough that he feared he might black out. He felt a tiny pang of conscience for making all of this up, but then he remembered the cat's tongue, Akane's memory loss, and the years of dodging Shampoo before she found out that he was male. They were, frankly, lucky that getting tricked was all they had to worry about. Ranma could easily have broke in late at night and cracked a chimney pipe, so that they all died in their sleep from the carbon monoxide. It's not like the authorities would suspect it was intentional.

He was jogged from his thinking by some more pawing from Shampoo. This time, her hand started to wander lower, causing him to jump. "I really don't feel like doing anything like that, Shampoo," he said. "I'm still pretty upset about what happened with Akane. If it's all right, I'd rather sleep alone." Shampoo nodded. "Shampoo wait for Ranma to feel better," she said. At least she was obedient— it made this a million times easier.

* * *

It was Friday that Ranma and Akane had their pretend breakup. Two days later was his supposed fight to the death. Ranma had never thought that he would throw a match, but, in the end, it was how he would win this one. His father would be proud. There'd been more planning involved here— they needed a place to fight that wasn't too close to Nerima. Fortunately, Nabiki knew of one. A half hour before dusk found Ranma and Mousse, and of course Shampoo and Cologne, standing in a field east of Nerima, behind some construction sites. The place was perfect— it was an industrial area, so there wouldn't be spectators to get in the way (and especially no Furinkan students), and it was by a river. Much larger than the aqueducts in Nerima, this river had size and speed, and it dropped through a couple of dams before reaching its end at the Arakawa River. Perfect.

Shampoo looked at Ranma and Mousse as they stared daggers at eachother. "Tendo girl no here," she observed. Ranma just nodded. To the unknowing observer, Akane was certainly sulking somewhere because of the 'breakup'. Ranma knew better, and he knew exactly where he could find her. He pushed Shampoo away and walked in Mousse's direction. He had about a half hour of pretend fighting ahead of him. Time to go Jackie Chan with this stuff.

Ranma let out a yell and charged the blind boy. One swing; dodged. Mousse fired a length of chain; also dodged. They traded a few hits. So far, it seemed like any battle that Ranma had been in. He took a particularly hard hit, flying backward at the hand of something that Mousse had swung his way. It was intentional, but that didn't make it feel any better. No pain, no gain, right? He knew that he couldn't risk Cologne spotting bad acting; these hits were really landing.

Ranma struggled to his feet, making a point to act a bit shaken. He charged again. More punches flew. Some hit, some missed. Mousse tried his training-toilet trick again. Ranma grabbed it like he had before, but found himself flying threw the air from a planned throw. Rising from several feet away, he again made sure to struggle a bit. He wanted it to look like he was losing. Mousse looked a bit tired, too... it was easy to be convincing when they were throwing real punches.

Ranma lunged at Mousse again. This time, the fighting lasted a bit. For ten minutes, they traded hits and misses back and forth. It was starting to look dark to the east, a bad environment for a fight seeing as they were out of range of streetlights... but of course, that was part of the trick. Finally, it was time to jump to the next step— Ranma saw the opening that Mousse was leaving for a maneuver he'd scripted. If he couldn't run a dojo, he just might be able to do movies with this maneuver.

Ranma jumped, throwing a high kick toward Mousse's stomach, but a flying chain snagged him by the ankle. With a yank of the chain, Mousse flung Ranma high into the air. Ranma braced as he prepared _not_ to land it. He knew it was going to hurt, and he also knew there was no way to avoid it. He landed on his side with a dull thud. It sent some aches through him, but more importantly, it looked like a fall that could easily kill somebody, and that was the plan. He stood, shakily, but kept his left arm bent at his side, dangling as though he couldn't move it. It was fine, of course, but the Amazons didn't know that. He took a shaky step, staring back at the smug Mousse. "This ain't over," he growled.

He leapt at Mousse for what he knew was going to be the last time. It was plausible for an injured martial artist to be too weak to fight, wasn't it? He sure hoped the Amazons would think so. Leaping at Mousse, he extended his good arm as if to throw a punch, when he felt another one of Mousse's hidden weapons snag him. Just like it was supposed to. With a toss, Mousse sent him flying— directly into the river.

He landed in the water, instantly taking on his female form. The now red-haired Ranma surfaced, flailing her (supposedly) only good arm. The idea was that she'd pretend to get washed away, but, to her annoyance, the river was flowing slow enough that she'd reach the Arakawa some time the following day. She kicked her legs, hoping that the spectators would believe that there was some sort of undertow. Of course, it was almost dark by now, so there was a good chance that these little things wouldn't be noticeable from the side of the river. That was why she planned this fight for the evening, rather than the middle of the day.

Shooting down the river, Ranma watched the Amazons chasing from the side. Mousse was barely keeping up, acting as though his only interest was to watch Ranma drown. He wasn't about to try and help— to the Amazon women, he was grinning as he won the death match. Ranma turned her attention back to where she was flowing.

The highway bridge. She had to look for a highway bridge.

She caught sight of what looked like her target. Bracing for another impact, she felt herself wash against what she was looking for— the rope that had been strung across the river, under the water line, and under the bridge where things were buried in shadows. With the street lights above, the Amazons had no hope of seeing what was going on underneath.

Hanging on the rope, Ranma watched as _another_ Ranma went floating away from her. A Ranma that wasn't real. This Ranma was a department store mannequin, dressed in one of her shirts and a red wig. It turned out that weighing a dummy so that it floated face down with only two inches of hair exposed looked pretty realistic. At least, at ten minutes past dusk in a dark river surrounded by glaring street lights it looked realistic. It had _better _have been realistic; Ranma owed Nabiki 20,000 yen for it! She was going to be paying it off for months. To her relief, she saw Cologne and Shampoo fly past, still watching what they thought was Ranma floating away. They didn't suspect a thing.

Ranma looked to the side of the river, seeing her savior— Akane. She crawled along the rope until she reached the edge, where Akane grabbed her and pulled her onto the bridge abutment. They held eachother for a moment. "Is this whole thing really about to be over?" Akane whispered. Ranma kissed her gently. "As long as nothing goes wrong," she replied.

Certain that the Amazons were some distance away, it was time for the last part. Jumping up to the bridge meant hanging out in the open, in a well lit area. In case the Amazons were still in sight, they couldn't risk such a thing. The only way to get away from the bridge undetected was to walk in the water, right along the break wall, where there was a natural blind spot due to the elevation of the land alongside. A few hundred feet downriver was a residential neighborhood, and they had to make it there to leave the river.

"The river's not moving all that fast," Ranma said, "but it's cold. Hold on to me real tight, and... thanks for going through all this to help me." Akane smiled and gave her a kiss. Ranma slid back into the water, turning around to help Akane get in next to her. Akane wrapped her arms around the redhead, and they started walking slowly next to the wall. They stayed where the water was at neck level to avoid being seen. Four hundred bone-chilling feet later, Ranma was pulling Akane out of the river, and they were ducking between houses.

Ranma wrapped her arms around her shivering fiancée. "Don't worry," she said, "we're heading home from here." She cracked a wry smile. "And I know how to warm up when we get home." Akane gave her a quick kiss, before the redhead picked her up, and they sprang through the neighborhood. It was certainly not safe to watch what was supposed to develop: downstream, two separate spillways crossed the river, each one with a huge waterfall. As long as the dummy was sturdy enough not to be shaken apart, which Nabiki _swore_ it was, Shampoo would be watching what she thought was her fiancée get sucked into the inlet and disappear in the suction on the downstream side. It wasn't like Ranma had to worry about Shampoo jumping in after her; she was cursed. She couldn't save anybody.

* * *

An hour later, the still-female Ranma and Akane were relaxing in Akane's bed, where they'd covered over the window (lest the Amazons show up). They'd already decided that Ranma wasn't going to leave the house for the next week, just to make sure that nobody spotted her. She hoped Mousse could follow through on the last part of the plan— to get Shampoo back to China and _keep her there_. If they ever returned, Shampoo was certain to renew her quest to marry him.

She pulled Akane close. "So..." she murmured, "if there was any question, you don't mind doing girl-on-girl, huh?" Akane stuck her tongue out at her. "Only with you," she retorted, "so don't get any perverted ideas." There was a soft knock at the door. "You guys decent?" Nabiki asked from the other side. This was the one other thing Ranma had bartered for when he paid Nabiki— he made her agree to watch the spillways from a distance and report back after it was all over.

The door opened, and Nabiki slipped in, melodramatically shielding her eyes. "The blanket's covering us," Akane said, laughing. Nabiki leaned on the wall. "Well, I can't jump from house to house like you, Ranma," she said, "but what I did see was that dummy drop under the first dam and never come back up. The Chinese girl was crying so loud she was screaming. The guy that was here had to drag her away. They took off in the direction of the restaurant; I don't know if that's where they went or not; I lost sight of them when they were still outside of Nerima." Ranma nodded. "Thanks, Nabiki," she said. The middle Tendo nodded and left, closing the door behind her.

Ranma pulled Akane close. "Where were we?" she purred.

* * *

Ranma stayed home from school for the next week, as planned. He was so worried about being spotted that he only left the upstairs to bathe, and then it was only with Akane stationed outside the furo window. It was Akane that kept an eye on the Amazons, and the news she brought back daily was encouraging— on Monday, the restaurant was closed. Over the next few days, the stuff around the restaurant began disappearing. By Friday, there was a for-sale sign in the window. After a call to the realtor inquiring about the previous owner, they were told flatly that they were Chinese immigrants that had returned to the mainland.

Ranma was more nervous than words could describe when he returned to school, but a letter waiting for them when they got home put his mind at ease:

AKANE TENDO

I WANTED TO EXPRESS MY CONDOLENCES

TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FOR THE DEATH

OF RANMA SAOTOME. I REGRET THAT A

FIGHT TO THE DEATH WAS THE ONLY

OPTION TO SETTLE OUR ISSUE. HOPEFULLY

YOU CAN MOVE ON. SHAMPOO AND I ARE IN

CHINA, AND I THINK SHE'S COMING TO

TERMS WITH RANMA'S DEATH. WE WILL NOT

RETURN TO NERIMA.

MU TSU

Akane read the letter, smiling ear-to-ear. "Looks like he's telling us that she won't be coming back," she said triumphantly.

* * *

_A/N: Okay, so there's some believability required here. You have to believe that I could fool Cologne. I'm frankly not sure that I could but if you aren't convinced, the theme to take away from this is that I would have immediately allied myself with Mousse. Ranma was kind of wishy-washy with Shampoo; he never said whether or not he wanted to marry Akane, and he never completely rejected Shampoo. I, on the other hand, would have wanted rid of her and would have welcomed some outside help. I've had exes almost that crazy._

_So, the reason that I wrote it this way is because I've always wanted to pull off some huge plan like that. Obviously, I've never had to dodge crazy women trying to marry me against my will. When I was developing this, I seriously considered having her fight and lose to either Kuno or Ryoga, but ultimately, I wanted her out of Nerima, and this seemed like the perfect way. I must also apologize if you liked the parts of the story that I ended up eliminating, i.e. the breaking point and the haunted house scenes. I just didn't have a place to fit them. That's what she said._

_Oh, and if you're wondering, I did sort-of base the route of Ranma's river trek on a real section of Nerima, though I messed with it a bit. I wanted an larger river with a spillway, and the closest I found was this area. Here's a link to the bridge where Akane pulls Ranma out of the water:_

maps dot google dot com slash maps?hnear=Nerima,+Tokyo,+Japan&gl=us&t=h&ll=35.770872,139.736116&spn=0.007852,0.012875&z=16

_That river does indeed have dams at the north end, but A) they're not spillways; they're level, and B) I have Ranma floating north, and I'm pretty certain this river flows the other direction. Oh, well. Much of the original universe was fictional, right? (Think of their fight being in block 18, which is south by the rte. 307 bridge, by the crossing of the Metropolitan Expressway and the park that looks blue in the aerial photo. That area has been built up heavily since the aerial photo was taken, as is evidenced by the street view, but this takes place twenty years ago, so...)_

_So, I'm off to start on the next chapter. I'm not quite decided on what to write next. I can say with certainty that I'm skipping the martial arts tea ceremony, but I think I'll take a whack at the martial arts takeout race which follows it. Then, a certain perverted old man is set to arrive. Things will get interesting._


	8. Race is fast, Kuno is slow

_A/N: Another chapter. We're up to volume 7 of the manga series. I wanted to comment on something that a couple of the reviews brought up in the last chapter— the idea that Cologne might have known about the plan but let them go. ShadowWalker666 mentioned maybe having Cologne send them a note telling them that she knew. I'd considered that very idea, actually, but believe it or not, I didn't think the audience would believe it. After all, I was pushing the boundaries of believability with that chapter as it was. Of course, it's important to note that I'm writing this from Ranma's perspective, so we don't actually know what she was thinking. You, the reader, get to decide for yourselves if she was fooled, or actually looked the other way. I guess it comes down to Cologne's true nature, which isn't really revealed in the series: is she kindly at heart, or a strict disciplinarian that would insist that the Amazon law be followed? I always assumed her to be the latter, which made me think that she would have put a stop to things if she'd known, but that's just my take on her._

_So the tea ceremony didn't leave me much to write, and frankly, I didn't much care for it, so I skipped it. In this chapter, we're looking at a certain takeout race that occurred. I didn't realize beforehand how important Shampoo was to the story, and I even considered bringing her back, but ultimately I like the challenge of writing around her being missing. This chapter wound up a bit short, and I considered doing what I did with the first Shampoo chapter and just ending it quick, but I decided instead to take the chapter a bit in my own direction. The end result is that there's a lot less fighting, which is good because writing fights is a pain. Enjoy._

* * *

Ranma walked casually across the garden. He was still a little bit paranoid of Amazons showing up, but it had been a few weeks and there hadn't been any sign of them. If Shampoo hadn't seen fit to return, it most likely meant that she'd rebounded over to Mousse, and he was keeping her content enough that she was happy to stay in their village. Annoying as she had been, he did hope that she could find happiness. As long as it didn't include him.

He was shaken from his thinking from a blue blur bounding over the garden wall and into the house. While more startled than he might have been before the Amazons, once he recognized what he'd seen, he actually felt relieved. No Chinese, just a dim-witted upperclassman. What was it going to take to convince Kuno that Akane wasn't interested, a Ranma-Akane sex video? Ranma started imagining a few very interesting things, before he stopped himself, deciding that he'd better go help the Tendos deal with their guest.

Ranma tiptoed up to the house, where he heard Kuno talking. It sounded like Kuno was telling Akane that he'd chosen her over the 'pigtailed goddess'. Before he could do anything else, though, Ranma found himself dodging a strike from his father. "We weren't finished training earlier!" the old man bellowed. A few strikes later, Ranma found himself a 'her', climbing out of the pond with her now-panda father in tow. Half of a bouquet flew at her from inside the house. She looked in to see that Kuno had apparently noticed her. Super. She went to Akane, who had just been handed the other half. "What's with him?" she asked. Akane put her hand to her face. "Don't ask," was the replied.

Kuno looked like he had an idea. 'Probably the first time in his life,' Ranma thought. Kuno wrapped both of them in a bear hug. "You shall both come to my residence next Sunday," he cried. "Whoever arrives first shall have me!" Ranma punched the upperclassman with enough force to send him back over the garden wall. She gave Akane a hug. "Make a note that we can't be anywhere near his house this weekend," she said.

* * *

That night, things weren't particularly happy. Ranma, now male again, sat at the table shaking his head. He was joined by Kasumi, Nabiki, his father, and a couple of restaurateurs who had shown up looking for talent. Racing talent, to be specific. Soun had immediately volunteered Akane... without her being in the room, or even knowing that there were visitors. "She's not going to like this," he said. "She's going to hit the roof. It's not fair to sign her up for something without her knowing. I'd be mad, too." Sure enough, yelling began to emanate from the hallway, where Soun had apparently just informed Akane of the news. She stormed in, looking at the group, where everyone except Ranma was digging into a dish of eel teriyaki. Ranma gave her a sympathetic look.

Akane sat next to him. "Oh, go ahead and eat," she said to Ranma. He put a hand on her knee. "If it's any consolation," he whispered, "I told the restaurant guys I have a sister that'll enter if you do." Akane laid her head on his shoulder. "Thank you, Ranma," she said. Ranma took a bite of the eel. "Besides," he said quietly, "if you and I are in the race, one of us is guaranteed to win, right? You're faster than I am, and if something happens, I'd still be faster than anybody else." Akane nodded. "It'll mean free ramen for a year," Ranma continued. "I figured it would be a good way to pay your dad back for me and pop staying here. I couldn't talk them out of signing _you_ up, though." Akane kissed his cheek. "Well," she said, "I guess running a race isn't a big deal. And like you said, we'll win pretty easy."

Ranma looked to the restaurateurs. "So, when's this race going to be?" he asked. "Sunday," came the answer. Ranma and Akane exchanged a horrified look.

* * *

Sunday came, and Akane and the red-headed Ranma stood nervously at the starting line, Akane holding a skateboard. They weren't afraid of winning, not at all. They were afraid of running into Kuno— this race couldn't have been scheduled for a worse day. Ranma looked at Akane. "That delivery uniform looks cute on you," she said. Akane made a face. "I can't wait to get out of it," she muttered. Ranma smirked. "Want a hand? Or both of them?" Ranma asked. Akane gave her a playful shove.

A voice called over the PA system. "The destination for today's race has been chosen!" the man said. "All of these beautiful girls will converge on the lucky occupant of this address!" Ranma and Akane looked over to the stage, where a large map was hanging.

"Akane," Ranma said, "do you know where Kuno lives?"

"No idea."

"Is that one of the ritzier machi?"

"Yep."

"Great."

They grimly turned to face the direction of the race. The voice returned to the PA. "On your marks," he said, "get set... go!" Everyone took off running, with Ranma and Akane sprinting to the front, Akane riding her skateboard like an expert. They smiled at eachother, looking back to watch the other contestants falling behind, even those with bicycles.

Half a mile later, the pair jumped to a high wall, where they could see the massive gap between them and the rest of the pack. They turned to look at the house that matched their destination building number. It certainly looked like the kind of place that Kuno might live in. "I sure hope that's not the Kuno mansion," Akane said. Ranma nodded. She smiled at Akane. "Well," she said, "want a friendly race to see which of us can get there quicker?" Akane smirked, and they both bolted for the gate. Ranma wanted to let Akane win... unless it turned out to be Kuno's house. She was going to have to stay close.

Akane burst through the front door of the house, with Ranma right next to her. "Food delivery!" Akane called, before they both looked in horror at the occupant of the house— Tatewaki Kuno, sitting serenely in the front room. "What are the odds?" Ranma muttered. She looked over to see a group of officials from the race standing at the door. "Amazing," one man called into a microphone, "a tie!" Akane cringed. "Why couldn't it be a three-way tie so we had someone we could let win?" she moaned. Ranma grabbed her arm. "Please, _please_ don't say 'three-way'," she said quietly.

"Whichever girl gets this man to eat her takeout first," microphone man said, "will be the one who wins the race." Kuno looked at the both of them, teary-eyed. He was certainly loving this. Ranma looked to Akane. "This is the part where I step up and take a figurative bullet for the woman I love, isn't it?" she asked. Akane gave her a I-don't-want-to-say-yes-but-please-do look. Ranma sighed, walking stiffly up to Kuno. She knelt in front of the upperclassman, averting her eyes. "Kuno," she muttered, "please eat this food." She set the carryout container down in front of her. Kuno looked at it, before looking to Akane. "Oh, noblest Akane, sacrificing your desires to put someone else before you!" He ran to give Akane a hug, who caused him to be promptly kicked through a wall. Ranma watched, incredulous. "What's with this guy?" she asked aloud.

Just then, the floor shook and opened, dropping the girls to the floor below. Ranma and Akane looked around; the room looked to be some sort of dojo. They stared in confusion, while Kuno's voice drifted in as the upperclassman stepped into view. "Welcome to the Kuno underground training facility," he said. "To take food from one of you would insult the other. We must live here together!" Ranma and Akane's feet contacting his face at that moment suggested otherwise. Ranma looked at her fiancée. "Akane," she said, "sorry about this." With a quick swing of her hand, she knocked Akane's takeout container from her hand, knocking it to the floor a few feet away, where they could see the goo leak out from the sides. Akane looked shocked for a moment, before she caught on and feigned disappointment. "Oh darn," she said, "I guess I'm disqualified."

Ranma had done the noble thing and made sure that her fiancée was safe. That, of course, was little consolation, seeing what whe had to do next. She shuddered and approached Kuno for the second time. "Kuno," she said, "for the love of Kami just eat this crap." She took the bowl out and held it toward him. His eyes sparkled, but rather than take the bowl, he wrapped her in a hug. Reflexively, she booted him in the chin, sending him through the ceiling into a room above. She rolled her eyes. "Why can't he get this over with quick?" she muttered, and jumped through the hole after him.

Springing into the room, Ranma looked down in horror to see Kuno sitting in his furo, which she was heading directly for. "Of all the rooms" was all she could mutter before hitting the water. Ranma, now much less attractive to Kuno, broke the surface, gasping for air. The now-male Ranma looked around frantically. "The bowl!" he screamed, looking up as the bowl dropped toward him, managing to catch it just before it landed in the furo. Kuno's bokken swung at him, nearly knocking the bowl away. Ranma jumped from the water as he looked at the enraged Kuno. "Saotome..." Kuno growled.

Ranma looked around, an saw an easier route than fighting. "Bye!" he yelled, bolting out the door. All he had to do was lose Kuno and find some cold water, and he'd have the dolt eating out of his hand. Literally. Racing down the hallway and around the corner, he was irritated to see a dozen doors, none of which were marked in any way. "How the hell am I going to find cold water in here?" he muttered in frustration.

A door opened behind him. "Ranma?" a familiar voice asked. He whirled around to see the maniacal eyes of Kodachi staring back questioningly. She clasped her hands together. "My Ranma!" she cried. "You've come to visit me, haven't you?" Ranma groaned. This was exactly what he needed. Just then, a light bulb went on in his brain. This _was_ exactly what he needed! "Kodachi," he said, "you live here, right?"

"Yes, of course."

"Good! Here! This is for you!" He handed her the bowl, while she looked back with teary eyes. Why were the Kunos so damn emotional? "Now eat the whole thing!" he said quickly. "I'll be back!" He bolted back down the hallway to the furo he'd just come from. Tatewaki Kuno was still there, and barely had time to see Ranma return before being booted back through the floor, into the basement. Ranma could see Akane standing in the basement; he gave her a thumbs-up before grabbing the shower and hitting the cold water.

Now female, Ranma ran back down the hallway to find the race officials clamoring around a confused Kodachi. She swallowed the last of the ramen while the microphone man held Ranma's hand up in triumph. "We have a winner," he cried into the microphone. Kodachi looked at Ranma. "What have you done with my Ranma?" she asked, growing angry. "He, uh, stepped out," Ranma replied. "I'm sure he's here somewhere. Bye!" She darted away, through the furo and back to the basement.

There she found Akane, in mid-eye roll as Kuno again professed his love. She wrapped Akane in a hug, ignoring Kuno completely. "Kodachi was upstairs," she whispered to Akane. "All I needed was _a_ resident." Kuno stepped toward them. "Pigtailed girl," he said excitedly, "does your return mean that you've accepted my offer to live here with Akane Tendo and myself?" Ranma smirked. "I'm sorry, Kuno," she said sweetly, "but Akane and I can't love you. We're already promised... to eachother." She gave Akane a seductive kiss, and the resounding thump of Kuno crashing to the floor told her she'd accomplished her objective.

They looked down at Kuno's prone form. It was pretty clear from their vantage point exactly where the blood from his brain had rushed to. "I have to admit," Ranma said, "it's kinda fun to mess with him like that."

* * *

Later, the male Ranma and Akane sat in the main room, enjoying the first delivery of their free ramen. "So," Ranma mused, "what happened with that whole date thing Kuno made up, if he didn't do the eating?" Akane thought for a moment. "I don't know if he's going to go by the race," she said. "His deal was the first one _there_, right? We actually got to him at the same time."

"Well, in that case, I guess nothing's really changed, has it?"

"We got a year of free ramen."

"I'm not completely sure it was worth it."

Akane laid her head on his shoulder. "You still have me."

Ranma put an arm around her. "I guess it's not all bad."

* * *

_A/N: Hey, manga fans, do you remember what's next? That's right, a certain old creep ought to be arriving in Nerima right about now. The next chapter is liable to be a long one, judging from the amount of Happosai stuff that's going to happen. Plus, I have some specific plans for that one. The dojo destroyer arc is after that, but it wouldn't make much sense in this context, seeing as Ranma and Akane don't hate eachother in this version. I like the Romeo and Juliet arc, so there will be a chapter on it. The hidden spring is after that, and I think I'll cover that one, too. Then, Kodachi and Akane's fight over cooking, which I'm going to write as well, because it's perfect for my purposes here. And then, it's on to Ukyo, which I'm pretty excited to get to. I have a really good idea on what to do there. So stay tuned, readers, and thanks again for all the great feedback._


	9. The Evil Wakes and pops a Viagra

_A/N: Okay, so I'm getting an increasing number of reviews expressing some kind of dismay over the fact that I've written out some of the rivals that have come along so far, and concerns that I'm going to toss more characters down the road. So, at this time, I'm going to give you some slight spoilers and let you in on my long-term plans._

_First and foremost, I'm reserving the possibility of bringing back any character I've removed, if I really want to write something that I can't easily write them out of. That being said, there is very little chance that I am going to bring back the Amazons. Very bluntly, I don't like them. One problem I see with Ranma fanfics in general is that a great many authors make Shampoo, IMO, out-of-character. They make her out to be this sweet girl with a sweet little crush on Ranma. She is _not_ sweet; in the series, she does some pretty terrible things to Akane just to win Ranma. I'll point you to a fic that I believe gives a much truer portrayal of Shampoo. It's called "Ranma's Child" by Blissful Archangel. It's up to chapter nine as I'm writing this, and Shampoo's been in the last few chapters. The other Amazons aren't so bad, but seeing as I always would have tried to hook Mousse and Shampoo up, I'm left without much to write about them._

_Ryoga is a different story. This fic is writing Ranma as I would have behaved; let me walk you through my line of thinking. Ryoga almost killed the girl I loved, and I tapdanced on his head for it. Ultimately, though, it wasn't a malicious attempt to kill her, but rather an accident caused by his being a complete moron. I tend to take pity on stupid people; if you knew my ex-girlfriends this would be extremely obvious. The point would eventually come that I would stop being mad at Ryoga, accepting instead that he was simply too stupid to really be blamed for his own negligence. With that in mind, it was always my intention to bring Ryoga back down the road. I have a plan with a specific story arc down the line, so I haven't reintroduced him yet. Don't despair, though— he will be back eventually. Besides, I want to have some Akane-Ryoga dialogue where she knows he's P-Chan, which I couldn't have done otherwise._

_People also expressed fears that I was going to drive Ukyo and Happosai away after I introduce them. Bluntly put... I am not. I like both characters; I like Happosai and Ranma's banter, and I find Ukyo to be much more of a friend than Shampoo would have been. Once introduced, they will remain throughout the duration of this fic. As for the questions about when I'm writing Ukyo in, I'm following the order of the manga. Happosai's arc is in this chapter, then is the dojo destroyer arc, which I'm skipping. Then, the Romeo & Juliet arc, which will be the next chapter, and then the hidden spring in the girls locker room. I'm undecided about that one, but that will be another chapter if I write it. Then, the Akane-Kodachi-cooking story arc, which I'm definitely writing, so there's yet another chapter, and it's after that when Ukyo shows up. So we've got three or four chapters to go before we get there._

_Let me wrap up this extremely long a/n with one warning: by far, my favorite part of the series is the very beginning where it's only Ranma and Akane; namely, up to where Akane gets over Dr. Tofu. (It's no coincidence that I picked that point for their first kiss in this fic.) I'm going to include plenty, we have principal Kuno coming after all, but I will be skipping a lot more than I have so far in the story as time goes on. There are a lot of story arcs that, frankly, aren't that important, and aren't heavily changed with the new Ranma. I'll decide what to keep or skip as I come to it._

* * *

Ranma and Akane, hand in hand, strolled down the front walk of Furinkan High. The day had been normal, which was good, considering the way their fathers were acting the night before. Soun, in particular, was on edge for no apparent reason. Something was up, and when it involved those two, it was probably bad news. "Do you have any idea what our dads were so freaked about last night?" he asked. Akane shook her head. "I don't think my dad slept a wink all night," she replied. "I wonder what's got him so worried."

Just as they turned a corner, the clouds in the sky opened up. Ranma barely had time to react before he became a she. They started to hurry, but the rain let up after a second. Ranma rolled her eyes. "TV didn't say anything about rain," she muttered.

Screams from the next block over caught their attention— screams from a group of girls. Ranma was afraid it was Kuno-related, but Akane took off toward the sound before she could say anything. They came upon the girls' track team, where a girl in the center was frantically trying to detach... something... from her chest It looked like a man, heavily covered, but he couldn't have been more than three feet tall. The little man jumped from the girl he was on to another one, who started pounding on him in an attempt to get him off. Akane walked up to the group. "What's going on?" she asked. The girl that was recently freed turned. "Oh, Akane..." she started to say, but the mention of Akane's name quickly drew the little man's attention.

Ranma immediately noticed, and immediately knew it had something to do with their fathers being worried the night before.

"Akane!" the man screamed, leaping for Akane. She blocked him with her book bag, as he landed on the ground. "It's me!" he cried, removing the cover from his face, revealing himself to be an old man.

Akane was confused. "Do I know you?"

The old man appeared hurt. "You... don't remember?" He buried his head in his arm.

"Wait... gimme a second..."

"Don't bother. Just let me have a good cry... in your bosom!" He leapt for her again, with Ranma stopping him with her foot.

"Just who do you think you're grabbing?" Ranma asked. The old freak looked up at her. "Akane?" he asked, before leaping and latching onto her chest. Ranma let out a yell, knocking the man free with a swat to the head. "It's no wonder you don't remember me," he said. "We've never met." Ranma seethed. "You're Soun Tendo's daughter, all right," the old man continued. "So high-spirited!"

Akane looked at the man. "How do you know my father?"

"Oh, so you really _are_ Soun Tendo's daughter?"

"I thought you knew who I was!"

"Nope!"

Ranma took Akane's arm. "Let's have our dads explain this," she said. They headed for home, with the old man following.

* * *

"Mr. Tendo!" Ranam called out as she entered the Tendo house. "This old guy says he knows you!" As they entered the washitsu, Soun looked up from his paper. A look of fright briefly crossed his face, before he seemingly composed himself. "Hello, Soun," the old man said. "It's been a long time." Soun ran to embrace the man. "Master Happosai," he said. "I'm so glad you're safe." Genma started to enter, saw Happosai, blanched, and crept back out the door. Akane looked at Ranma. "Master?" she asked.

Soun made a motion to punch Happosai in the head, only to have his hand stopped by Happosai's index finger. In a blur, he was thrown out the door and into the koi pond. Watching him fly, Ranma noticed his father, sitting outside, eating bamboo. The old man approached him. "Genma Saotome," he said. Genma jumped, hastily producing a sign that read "I'M JUST AN ORDINARY PANDA." Happosai wasn't fooled. "I'd know those beady eyes anywhere, Saotome," he said with a chuckle.

Some time later, the two fathers, with Genma back to man form, had described their past training under Happosai. They'd also tried to kill Happosai again, and been clobbered for it. Happosai looked at them. "I didn't come for revenge," he said simply. "It's time to train my true heir for the School of Anything Goes Martial Arts." Soun and Genma started to creep away. "And where do you think _you're_ going?" Happosai asked. Soun turned. "I just remembered," he said. "I have to move to China."

Ranma rolled her eyes. "You two made the whole engagement deal to keep the school going," she muttered, "and now you're going to run away?" The two men looked at her, instantly making her wish she'd kept her mouth shut. In a flash, they were on either side of her. "Here's your heir!" Genma cried with a little too much excitement. Happosai lunged at her chest, with Ranma frantically swatting him away. "I can't train a girl," he said as he clung. Ranma suddenly found herself doused with hot water, and as such, male. "Don't worry," Genma said, "my son is quite manly!" Ranma swatted at the old man. "Get off me!" he cried, before Happosai grabbed his hand. Before Ranma could react, he found himself flying through the roof.

He landed with a thud, and didn't even try to get up. He heard scurrying, and a ladder appeared at the edge of the roof, followed by a worried Akane. "Ranma!" she yelled. "Are you okay?" Ranma didn't move. "I'll be fine," he said. "I think." Akane sat next to him. "He's fast for an old man, huh?" she asked. Ranma nodded. "He's too fast for me," he said. "If I'm going to keep tabs on him, I'm going to have to outsmart him."

"How long do you think he's going to be around?"

"Until he's dead, I'd bet."

"This isn't going to be fun."

"Well... our dads taught us the art, and he taught them. At least we might be able to figure out his tricks." He put his hands against the roof. "Okay, let's try movement."

* * *

The next morning, Ranma was brushing his teeth. Sure enough, the old man had stayed the night, and wasn't showing any sign of leaving. It was going to be bad enough keeping the pervert away from his girl side, but he was more worried about the old man feeling up Akane. A cold blast shook him from his thoughts, as a wave of cold water turned him into a her. She barely had time to react to the change before Happosai was grabbing onto her butt. "You're looking healthy this morning!" he cried, before Ranma kicked him through the window. Oh, yeah. Life was going to be complicated.

Ranma grabbed for the hot tap and quickly turned male, heading out to breakfast, where Happosai was already seated at the table. "I like you better as a girl," he said. Ranma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, quit changing me into one," he replied. Happosai produced a bra from his shirt, which Ranma eyed suspiciously. "I ain't wearing that," he said. Happosai looked forlorn. "You mean you don't like it?" he asked. "Do you have any idea how much that thing cost? Akane couldn't even hope to fill it!"

"Hey!" Akane and Ranma yelled in unison.

* * *

Ranma and Akane walked out of Furinkan, thankful at not seeing Happosai the entire day. "I dunno," Akane mused. "He seems pretty harmless." Ranma rolled his eyes. "I don't think you'll find him harmless," he said, "when it's _your_ body he's grabbing at. I can't complain too much, though. If it's me he's more interested in, he'll leave _you_ alone, which is what I'm more worried about."

"That's sweet, Ranma, but I can fight him off."

"I don't know about that... if anything, he's really fast. He could get under your dress, take your panties off, and stand holding them in front of you before you even got a look at him."

"You think he'd actually do something like that?"

"Oh yeah. And... I don't know if he's terribly bright, but he's no bimbo like Shampoo. I don't think tricking him is an option."

"Well, we'll figure out a way to keep him under control. Maybe if we let him train us..."

"You want to give him that many chances to cop a feel?"

"Maybe not."

Just then, screams erupted from the side of the school. A door flew open, and Happosai sprang from it, running full tilt with a large bag slung over his shoulder. What appeared to be the entire girls' track team was chasing him. "I don't want to know what's in the bag," Ranma said. Happosai ran toward them. "Catch!" he shouted, throwing the bag at Ranma. Instinct took over— there was no way his bag was good news. Ranma jumped as the bag flew past and landed somewhere behind him. He landed on a section of roof, and, looking around, quickly spotted Happosai around the side of the building.

He hopped back down, to find Akane and the other girls going through the bag. Gym shorts. He _knew_ it was bad. Catching Akane's attention, he silently pointed toward the corner of the building, and the two of them walked. They found Happosai sitting calmly, smoking a pipe. They stood in front of him.

"What the hell were you doing stealing all of the girls' track shorts?" Akane asked angrily.

Happosai didn't look up. "If you'd rather give me some of yours..."

"Hey!" Ranma yelled. "You ain't pulling that pervert crap on my fiancée, got it?" He swiped at the old man, who jumped and landed, sitting on Ranma's arm. The old man smirked. "Fiancée?" he asked. "So... Soun and Genma _can_ plan things. Okay, Ranma, I have an easy way to keep me away from your fiancée." He reached into his shirt and pulled out the bra from earlier.

"No."

"You'd rather I get my fill in the locker room?"

Ranma put his palm to his face. "I would sooner fight you over it."

Happosai brightened. "Well! _That_ sounds like a challenge! Okay, Ranma. I win, you turn into a girl and wear this." He thrust the bra at Ranma.

"And if _I_ win, you get your panty fill from the vending machines."

_(A/N: They actually sell used panties in vending machines in Japan. Google it!)_

"Very well, Ranma."

Akane leaned over to him. "Are you sure you can beat him?" she whispered.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure I can't."

"Maybe you should just do what he wants and change into a girl."

"Nah, I have to try at least. Besides, I might be able to learn some of his moves."

Happosai stepped back, facing Ranma as Akane scurried away. "Behold," he said. "You are about to witness one of the world's most powerful forces!" With that, a blue glow overtook the old man, radiating upward as he grew in size to become a giant, his eyes turning red. After a moment, he shrank back to size, but the blue glow remained. Ranma was sure it was a trick of some sort, but before he could get to work figuring it out, he realized that he couldn't move. He was trying, but his arms and legs just wouldn't work. He fought it with all of his might, but the most movement he could muster was to twitch an eyebrow.

"Ranma!" Akane shouted from the side. "You can do it!" Encouraged, Ranma struggled further, managing to move an arm by a fraction of an inch. Happosai smugly pulled the bra from his shirt. "Do you want it over or under your clothes?" he asked. Ranma struggled with all of his strength. He felt his arm start to come free. It felt held in place, as though a weight were tied to it, but it was moving. "This ain't over yet, old man!" he growled, tugging his arm free and throwing a punch.

Happosai dodged the strike and looked at Ranma quizzically. "Still able to move after my battle aura?" he mused. "I am impressed. Perhaps you're a worthy adversary after all!" The blue glow intensified, and Happosai was suddenly surrounded by a giant hand, which formed into a fist and flew straight at Ranma. Without time to dodge such a large object, Ranma braced for impact.

An impact that never came.

After a moment, Ranma looked up, to see nothing but the spectators around him. Ranma found that he could move again, and also found himself completely exhausted. He sank to his knees, with Akane running to his side. "Ranma, are you okay?" she asked. Ranma nodded. "We need to figure out how he does that," he muttered.

* * *

When they arrived home, their day went from bad to worse, as a smiling Kasumi met them inside. "The furo has sprung a leak," she said. "I'm afraid everyone will have to use the public baths today." Ranma grabbed Akane by the arm. "Let's get ready and go right away," he said, "before the old pervert..."

"Public bath?" Happosai shouted from another room. Ranma put a palm to his face.

A short time later, Ranma and Akane were walking with Happosai and Nabiki. Ranma looked warily down at the old man. "If you try to go to the girls' side," he warned, "I swear I will drown you." Happosai looked insulted. "I'd like to see you try," he replied.

They made it to the bathhouse, and Ranma and Happosai parted ways with the girls. He watched the old man with suspicion as they rinsed off and made their way into the giant furo. Ranma studied the place— one huge pool, with the dividing wall between the sides. "Ingenious," he thought, "though it means the old man can hop over the wall."

_(A/N: I notice that kind of stuff; that's why I mentioned it.)_

Happosai climbed in, wearing a 1920s-style bathing suit and carrying a large number of bath toys. Ranma was suspicious— there were certainly things in all that stuff that the old freak intended to use to make it to the girls' side. Sure enough, barely ten minutes passed before Ranma saw the top of a snorkel moving its way toward the dividing wall. Ranma grabbed a cup from Happosai's things, filled it, and poured it down the snorkel. The old man popped above the top of the water, sputtering. "What was that for?" he shouted angrily. Ranma set the cup down. "Stay on the boys' side," he muttered.

Nabiki appeared at the top of the wall. "Hey, Ranma!" she called down. "Keep an eye on him, will ya?" Ranma gave her a thumbs up. Happosai leaned close. "You know," he said, "Akane's over there, too. C'mon, let's go see the scenery!" Ranma shook his head. "First," he said, "I ain't letting you look at my fiancée naked. Second, I've seen every inch of her already, and will later, so I'm not looking into the girls' side just to catch a tiny peek."

Ranma got up from the bath and sat at one of the washing places, keeping an eye on Happosai the entire time. The old man walked in circles, showing some (overacted) boredom. He walked up to Ranma. "Say, Ranma," he said, "let me wash your back." Ranma spun around to face him. "I know you're trying to sneak up on my and splash me with something cold," he said. "It ain't gonna work, so don't bother." With a leap, Happosai jumped past him, hitting the faucet that was now behind him, and showering him with cold water. Ranma yanked the towel she was covered with higher as she became female, spinning around angrily to face the old man. "Why you little..." she yelled.

She took off after him, as he jumped the wall to the girls' side. "Hentai!" Ranma screamed, hoping to both warn the women and get them to aid in the pummeling. She jumped over the wall and immediately found herself dodging a volley of baskets that the old man was throwing. After managing not to get hit by any, dozens of bars of soap came flying across the floor. Trying to make her way to him, Ranma jumped from bar to bar, almost like she was skating. She smirked at the old man. The assault of soap bars stopped; Ranma made a leap for Happosai, but as she did, she found her momentum throwing her over the side of the bath and into the warm water.

The now male Ranma stayed under the water, in a panic. If the old man didn't mind being seen in the girls' side, fine, but Ranma wasn't about to show himself in his true form on that side of the wall. If he could help it. He searched frantically for an exit, as some of the women in the bath started to feel around, probably assuming him (or as far as they knew, her) to be in distress. 'There has to be some way out,' he thought. Then, an earlier observation hit him. 'The wall!' he thought. He looked in the direction of the boys' side, and, sure enough, the wall had openings to allow the water to flow freely.

He made a mad jump for the wall. Having lost Happosai, and having been fighting him moments before, he was afraid of the old man doing something to keep him from getting through. Happosai did, but it wasn't any knid of martial arts strike like he was expecting. The old man appeared just as Ranma was about to go through, making a face. Not startled, Ranma punched him back through the opening and dove through himself. He quickly found himself stuck at the waist. He raised his head above the water, not seeing Happosai. "Ranma!" he heard Akane's voice call from behind him. "You okay?" "I'm stuck!" he called back, trying not to be noticed by the other men. He heard a sound, and after a moment, he felt hands on him. "Please be Akane," he muttered, knowing that any woman thinking he was a pervert could easily cause a very painful injury from that angle. He felt an affectionate rub, and the hands gave him a hard shove, pushing him through.

Ranma made his way to the side, where he sat, gasping for air. Akane appeared atop the wall again. He gave her a thankful wave, as she slipped a thumb under the strap of the bathing suit she was wearing. Thank Kami Nabiki'd had that idea.

Happosai walked behind him, just in his periphery, and stood at the base of the wall. Now in no mood to deal with the old freak, Ranma threw a bucket at him, which bounced off of the wall. "Don't get any ideas!" he barked. Happosai grew angry, throwing the bucket back at him. Ranma dodged it, then looked at another dozen flying his way. He realized that Happosai was gone— he wasn't where the buckets had come from. A kick hit him from one of the flying buckets. Ranma punched it, smashing it to pieces, but it was empty. Another kick; Ranma punched that bucket, but again found it empty.

"Well, I guess it's okay to take our suits off!" he heard Akane call. One of the buckets darted to the wall and started climbing up the side. Ranma punched it, revealing a sheepish Happosai underneath. Ranma looked up at Akane. "Nice one," he said. The old man darted over the wall before Ranma could grab him. "Get him!" Ranma yelled up to Akane. "Hentai!" he heard Nabiki yell, followed by a chorus of women's screams.

Ranma ran back to the sinks, wrapping a towel around his chest and giving himself a cold spray from a faucet. Now female, Ranma darted over the wall, looking desperately for the old man. Fortunately, most of the women were in a mad rush to run away. She looked around and spotted Akane and Nabiki, looking at an overturned bucket. Akane pointed to it. Smiling, Ranma sat at a sink and turned her back to them. It would be easier to catch the old man as bait; besides, there was a mirror in front of her that would give her a clear view.

Happosai peeked out from under the bucket, looked around, and darted for Ranma. Watching him in the mirror, Ranma waited for him to get close before smashing him into the floor with a hard downward punch. She looked with satisfaction at the motionless old man. Akane and Nabiki walked over to them as Ranma quickly wrapped a towel around Happosai, tying it tight and pinning his arms at his sides. She stood and gave Akane a weary hug. "I'm using the hose in the yard until the tub is fixed," she moaned. Akane chucked and gave her a kiss. Ranma pulled her close, softly kissing her neck. "It _is_ nice to see so little clothes on you," she teased, slipping her fingers under Akane's bathing suit. They both remembered their surroundings with a start, as they turned to look at a slightly stunned Nabiki. "You mess around with Ranma when he's a girl?" she asked with disbelief. Ranma giggled as Akane looked at her sister smugly. "Ranma is Ranma," she answered. "Feels the same either way."

Just then, Ranma remembered the other member of their party. She spun around to see Happosai, semi-awake but now drooling and glassy-eyed. Clearly he'd enjoyed the show— the Kuno trick would be an effective martial arts tool against him. She picked him up by the towel and carried him away, heading back to the locker room to get her clothes.

The whole trip was _definitely_ not worth it to get clean. She'd have rather tied herself to the roof of a car and gone through a car wash. Far less painful.

* * *

Ranma walked up the stairs, on his way to his room after a relaxing soak in the furo. He was distracted by a distinct thump from Akane's room. Rushing over to the open door, he found Happosai face-down with Akane's foot planted squarely on the back of his head. As Ranma entered, Akane angrily held up a pair of panties. "Caught the panty-thief in the act," she grumbled. With a kick, she launched the old man out the open window.

Ranma headed toward his own room with Akane in tow. "Has he snuck up and changed you into a girl like before?" she asked. Ranma shook his head. "No," he replied, "but I heard some noises outside of the furo window earlier. I think he was peeping when I was already a girl." They went into Ranma's room, where he started digging through his dresser for a shirt.

"He hasn't tried anything while you were asleep, has he?" Ranma asked.

"Not as far as I know."

"I swear to Kami, if I ever find out that he did..."

"I think my dad should lock him in at night. Or make him sleep in dad's room. Or something."

"Yeah, or send pop down there to the old freak's room. He's our dads' problem. Besides, it'd be nice to not have to share a room with that fat..." A thought hit him. "Yeah, he could keep an eye on the old freak, and I could be keeping an eye on you. Remember we talked about that before?"

"Yeah. When Shampoo left I thought our excuse was gone, but now we have that hentai in the house. Do you think our dads will go crazy when we ask?"

"Yep. In fact, I'd bet money that they drink in celebration until they pass out. But... I'd rather have them dancing around the room for an hour than go to bed at night worrying that the old freak'll feel you up in your sleep."

"I'll guess we'll talk to them after dinner."

"Yep. Now, since you're already in my room..."

Akane giggled. "Ranma!"

* * *

Kasumi's dinner was delicious, as usual, but Ranma was nervous about what he was going to have to say next. He wasn't afraid of the answer... it was the reaction that was sure to come with it. Taking a drink of tea, he eyeballed his father, who was (as usual) in his panda form. Soun had gone to get sake, and Ranma knew that he'd better talk before the two adults were too drunk to speak. Akane was sitting next to him; he gave her a squeeze as she leaned on him.

"Hey, old man," Ranma said. "We have to talk about something."

Genma produced his typical wooden sign. "WHAT?"

"Akane caught the old freak in her underwear drawer earlier."

"I DO NOT CONTROL THE MASTER" He flipped the sign around. "THINK OF IT AS A TRAINING EXERCISE"

"Yeah, well, I don't think the old man can be trusted while we're asleep. You're moving into his room with him so you can keep an eye on him."

"WHO SAYS?"

"I do."

"YOU JUST WANT THE ROOM UPSTAIRS ALL TO YOURSELF"

"No, I don't." He took a breath. "Shampoo breaking in made me scared that some crazy person coming after me might hurt Akane, and now I'm worried about the freak getting at her. I think me and Akane need to be in the same room so that I can keep an eye on her."

There was a crash. They looked to see Soun, standing with a sake bottle shattered at his feet. A broad smile crossed his face as he and Genma started dancing around the room. Ranma covered his face while Nabiki leaned over from the other side of the table. "Are you surprised?" the middle Tendo asked. Ranma shook his head. He wasn't surprised in the least.

Kasumi walked in. "What are they celebrating?" she asked. Ranma scratched his head. "Uh, well..." he stammered, before Nabiki broke in. "Ranma's dad is moving into Happosai's room," she said, a little too cheerfully, "and Akane's moving into Ranma's!"

"Oh, my."

Ranma stood and grabbed Genma by a panda ear. "Go move your crap before you two get drunk," he growled. "And if the old man gets mad, he's _your_ problem!" The fathers raced away as Ranma sat down, pulling Akane close. "I guess we'll have some stuff of yours to move, huh?" he asked. Akane seemed stunned by the speed at which the two fathers had sprinted out of the room. "Uh... yeah," she mumbled. "It shouldn't take too long."

There was a thud as something (or someone) flew down the steps. "You better not be taking any of _my_ stuff!" Ranma shouted.

* * *

An hour later, Akane was straightening the last photo she had to hang on the wall. Ranma looked around. It actually looked nice in there with Akane's touch. He'd never realized how empty it was before. The futons were now pushed together in the center of the room, and Akane's desk sat under the window. Ranma flopped onto the futon.

"I hope you don't mind trading your western bed for the futon," he said.

Akane turned off the light and lay down beside him. "I like western style better, but the extra room is worth it."

"Do you think our dads are listening at the door?"

"Happosai is, at least."

"Probably. Of course, if our dads really didn't know what we've been doing this whole time, they're pretty dense."

"Ranma... they're _extremely_ dense."

"Good point."

He wrapped an arm around her and held her close, listening to the wind rustling outside. He could definitely say they'd made the best out of a bad situation.

* * *

Ranma and Akane entered the house, changing from their shoes to house slippers. They found Kasumi and their fathers talking to a man from the neighborhood watch. A stack of photographs lay on the table; Ranma picked one up while Akane looked at the one her father was looking at. They both prominently showed Happosai grabbing underwear from people's houses. "I don't know if these can be used as leads," the man said. Ranma rolled his eyes.

The man bowed and left, while Soun lay down on the table. "Saotome," he said, "regretfully, I must leave this to you." Akane gave him a dirty look while Ranma looked expectantly at his father. "So, are you going to catch the underwear thief?" he asked mockingly. With a quick splash of water, Genma became a panda, doing his best to look like a cute zoo animal. Ranma put his hand to his face. "I'll drag you both if I have to," he muttered.

He grabbed his panda father by the scruff of his neck. "Akane," he said over his shoulder, "bring your dad." They went to Happosai's room, where the old man was ironing. Ranma shoved Genma roughly to the floor while Akane pushed Soun forward. "Hey, old freak," Ranma said. "These two need to have a talk with you."

"What is it?" Happosai asked. Genma sweat through his fur, shakily holding a sign reading "HELLO, MASTER." The old man looked irritated. "This is what you interrupted my meditations for?" he asked. "I'm a busy man!"

Genma searched for more signs. "YOU LECHEROUS OLD FART!" "I, GENMA SAOTOME, WILL BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES!" Happosai knocked him to the floor. "How dare you speak to your master that way!" he cried. He looked to Soun, who only stammered without making any words. Ranma'd had enough. "The people from the town watch were poking around here!" he said. "They're looking for a panty thief! It's only a matter of time before you get caught, and everything's going to fall on Mr. Tendo because it's his house! Did you forget that the money that keeps us living here comes from the city?"

Happosai looked uninterested. Ranma glared at his useless father. "Would you do something about this?" he growled, shoving Genma at the old man, who promptly tossed Genma through the ceiling and high into the air. Ranma sighed as he remembered how he'd incapacitated the old man at the bathhouse. Grabbing a bucket that was sitting in the room, he doused himself, turning female. The now-female Ranma opened her shirt, and as Happosai lunged, Genma dropped back into the room and flattened him.

Ranma peered at Happosai, whose head was visible where he stuck out from under Genma. "Would you rather we call the police and turn you in?" she asked. "We could tell them we found out just now." Akane opened the old man's bag, as Ranma looked at the immense pile of undergarments. She recognized a pair of panties. "Hey!" she yelled. "These are Akane's!" The three adults looked at her. "How did _you_ know that?" Happosai asked. Ranma and Akane both reddened and looked away.

Akane gathered the pile. "I'm going through these," she said, "and any that don't belong to me or my sisters you're _not_ getting back!" Happosai looked up at Genma, scowled, and dragged himself out from under him. He stood. "You all have aroused my anger," he said. "I won't forget this."

Genma was immediately alert again, as he and Soun exchanged frightened glances. Genma held up a sign: "WE'RE GOING ON A TRIP, RANMA— RIGHT NOW" He grabbed Ranma, who promptly decked him. "What are we running for?" she asked. Genma pulled another sign: "IF YOU HAVE TO ASK, YOU DO NOT KNOW THE FULL EXTENT OF THE MASTER'S ANGER!"

Ranma stood. "What could he possibly do?" she asked, just as the bell rang out front. Ranma and Akane went to the door, and were shocked to find a horde of delivery men out front. "We all have deliveries for Genma Saotome," the one in the front said. Ranma and Akane looked at eachother. "I'm sorry," Ranma said, "but I think someone's pulling a prank. We didn't order anything."

Just as the deliverymen went to leave, a large group of women stormed through the gate. "Where is Ranma Saotome?" one asked. Just then, Ranma felt a splash of hot water, and felt herself become a boy once again. The girls lunged at him. "So you're the underwear thief!" one yelled, pulling a mallet and smacking him in the head with it. "To think you had the nerve to leave a note!" another yelled. Akane jumped in between. "Come on, you guys!" she yelled. "Do you really think he'd leave a note? It's a frame-up!" Ranma gasped for air from his position on the ground. "I'm engaged, for Kami's sake!" he cried. "I don't want your underwear!"

A man appeared from behind the women. "I'm here from the zoo," he said. "I'm here to retrieve a panda." Ranma looked up at Akane. "Okay, this has got to stop," he said.

An hour later, the family sat in the washitsu, watching Happosai poke holes through the panels of the shoji. Ranma shook his head. "I'll call the police," he said. "I'll tell them that we found a big bag of panties and think he might be the underwear thief we heard about. I swear I'll do it." Nabiki wasn't any more pleased. "Do something, daddy," she grumbled. Soun and Genma rose, before dropping to the floor in their best grovel. Happosai looked unimpressed. "Shouldn't there be one more person bowing before me?" he asked, looking at Ranma. Genma grabbed Ranma, shoving him to the floor, before Ranma punched him away. "I ain't bowing to that old freak," he said. "He should be thanking me for not turning him in. Yet."

Happosai shrugged and went back to his destruction. Soun turned to Ranma. "Ranma," he said. "Perhaps it would help things if you stayed somewhere else tonight." Kasumi sighed. "Poor Ranma," she said. Nabiki nodded. "Just think of it as... a vacation," she said. Ranma looked at Soun and saw red. "You want _me_ to leave?" he yelled. "Because of what _he's_ doing? You want to let him keep stealing panties? Are you kidding me?" He brought a fist down into the kotatsu, cracking it along the middle, which caused Kasumi and Nabiki to back away.

Akane grabbed his arm. "We're _both_ going," she said, staring daggers at her father. The two of them stood, heading upstairs to pack.

* * *

Ranma and Akane huddled together, staring at the fire they'd built. It was surely below freezing. "He could've at least picked a warmer night," Ranma mumbled. Akane nodded; Ranma looked at her. "I'm sorry I got so mad back there," he said. She wrapped her arms around him. "You had a good reason to be," she replied. Ranma nodded.

"So, what are we going to do about all of this?" she asked.

Ranma leaned close, to whisper. "I have a plan, but you'll have to do a lot of it."

"What?"

Ranma pressed a small packet into her hand. "I've had this for a while. I got it from an herbalist in China. It's supposed to be woman repellant."

"Woman repellant?"

"The lady said it creates a smell that drives all women away. It activates with human warmth. I was going to use it as a last option to keep Shampoo away."

"What am I supposed to do with it?"

"You need to do something so that it's always on him. Sew it into his clothes or something, but whatever you do, don't let him know you put anything there, or he'll know why the women are running away."

"I'll pretend to be apologizing to him, and sew some kind of picture on his back as a way of making it up to him."

"Genius."

Akane lay down, tugging at Ranma's coat to follow. "Tomorrow, though. I'm tired and I'm not letting you stay out here alone.

Ranma wrapped his arms around her and held her close. "Thanks, Akane. You're the best thing I've got in this world."

* * *

The next day, Ranma watched from behind a tree as Happosai bounded through the market. He laughed out loud as women ran for their lives. Someone poked his back; he turned to see Akane. "Nice going," he said. Akane made a face. "Boy did that stuff stink when I put it on him," she said. "I thought I was going to pass out." Ranma stepped out to face the old man. "I guess that woman repellant spell I had put on you is working," he said with a chuckle. Happosai became enraged. "You!" he yelled. He lunged, but Ranma had learned his technique: he grabbed the old man as he jumped and tossed him high into the air.

He was immediately flattened by his father, and in turn decked the fat jerk. "What did you do that for?" Genma asked.

"That's my line."

Soun approached. "The technique you used, using an opponents anger as momentum, is just a trick of the master's. You may think you've bested him, but you've only played right into his hands."

Genma nodded. "Whenever a good martial artist develops a technique, they also develop a way to defeat that technique. The master has surely..."

Just then, Happosai dropped onto Ranma's head, apparently out cold. The two fathers immediately started stomping him, until the real Happosai appeared behind them. "That's it," the old man cackled. "Give it to him good!" The adults immediately cowered, as Happosai pulled a mallet and cracked Ranma over the head with it. "Take this, Ranma!" the old man cried. Ranma sprang to his feet. "You freak!" he yelled, throwing an angry kick at the old man. Ranma didn't think he could hit him, but to his surprise, his foot connected with the old man's head, knocking him to the ground.

Ranma looked at the fallen old man. "What's wrong with him?" he asked. Soun and Genma rushed over, but Happosai jumped away, chasing after a couple of girls who immediately fled. The old man dropped to the ground, trembling and sweating. "Withdrawal symptoms!" Soun cried.

Ranma looked at the old man. "Withdrawal? he asked. Genma nodded. "To the old man," he explained, "going without touching a woman is like going without air." Ranma sighed. "Well thank Kami," he said. "We know how to stop him now." Akane walked up to the group, looking with wonder at the fallen hentai. "Is he really powerless?" she asked. Ranma looked closely at the old man. "Unless he's an Emmy-winning actor, he's not faking _that_," he replied.

Soun and Genma grabbed Happosai and started stuffing into a box. "What are you doing?" Happosai cried out. Genma slapped the lid on. "Mailing you to the north pole!" he replied. Ranma put a hand on the box. "Don't do that!" he yelled. "If you don't keep an eye on him, he might get free! Remember what happened last time you thought you had him trapped? We have to keep him within arm's reach!"

Soun nodded. "The boy has a point," he said. "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." Ranma look at him through narrowed eyes. "Well then I'll accept your apology for kicking me out of the house any time," he growled. He picked up the old man, holding him in front of his face. "I have martial arts to learn," he said, "so you'll get a little woman access now and then, but get used to being weak. It's your own damn fault. If you hadn't made our lives a living hell, we wouldn't need to..."

A raindrop fell past his face and hit the road at his feet. "Uh oh..."

The sky opened up. Ranma became a red-headed girl, and Happosai became empowered and attached to her chest. "Gah!" she screamed, punching him away. The old man stood, squaring off. "Time for payback," he said with an evil grin. Ranma was suddenly hit by a smell. It was impossible to describe... other than being... terrible. She gagged, nearly falling to the ground. Happosai's smile widened. "A victim of your own ploy," he snickered. He took a step toward her, producing a bra and camera. "Now," he said, "picture time!"

Ranma wasn't out of tricks. Reaching into her shirt, she pulled out a stack of photos she'd found in Happosai's collection. She threw them at him; they scattered, and he began racing around to catch them. She launched a kick at him, but the repulsion of the spell was enough that she barely hit him. That patch was going to be a problem.

Akane raced in, wearing a gas mask and holding a kettle. Ranma jumped to keep herself between Akane and the old man, but as she looked back, he was gone. Akane held up the kettle. "Here," she said. "Change back quick." She held the kettle over Ranma's head and poured, but nothing came out. Nothing, that is, until Happosai popped out from under the lid. "I've got your hot water right here!" the old man yelled. Ranma immediately threw the kettle to the ground and dove on top of it. "Idiot!" she yelled. "I can't smell you when you're inside that!" She scrambled to tie the lid down, and sat, panting, as Happosai rattled around inside.

Genma, now in panda form, waddled in with Soun next to him. Both were clad in some kind of makeshift armor. "No mercy!" Soun yelled, as the two fathers began pummeling the kettle. After a moment, they stopped to rest. Happosai suddenly rose from the kettle, growing giant in size as a wind blew out in all directions. Ranma shielded Akane as they backed away. "Bah!" Soun cried. "That battle aura is nothing!" A swipe from Happosai immediately disproved that statement, as Soun landed flat on his back next to Ranma and Akane. Akane knelt next to him. "Dad," she said, tears coming to her eyes.

"Akane," he said, "forgive your pitiful father."

"But you were brave, dad!"

"Actually, my armor was just too heavy for me to run away."

"I take it back. You _are_ pitiful."

Genma stood in front of the old man. "I TOO HAVE MY PRIDE!" he said through sign language. _(A/N: Get it? __**Sign**__ language?)_ He began to grow, quickly becoming as large as Happosai. "I don't believe it," Ranma muttered. "Pop is actually doing it." After a second, however, an exhausted Genma dropped to the ground, shrinking back to normal size. Ranma shook his head. "Idiot," he muttered. After a moment, however, Happosai did the same, crumpling in a ball.

"They must've used up their battle auras," Akane said. Ranma nodded. "That woman repellant probably wore off," Ranma said. "Better try to find a place to get some more. We'll need it." He grabbed Happosai, tossing him on Genma's back, and started dragging Genma by the legs. "I ought to just leave you here," he muttered, "but I'll be nice and take you both home."

* * *

_A/N: I hope you don't mind Ranma getting mad when Soun told him to leave. That would've ticked me off IRL. The other thing I modified in that last scene that you may have missed is that I'm not as noble as Ranma, wanting to help the old man despite what he did. After all, Happosai wasn't just making a mess for Ranma, Genma, and Soun; he was messing up things for the Tendo sisters as well, and that wasn't fair. As I put in there, though, I would've stopped them from mailing him to the north pole. They might as well have let him walk away— if Happosai is out of sight, he's dangerous._

_I've given up apologizing for how long it takes me with these updates. This is the first time I've written a fic one chapter at a time. Usually, I write the whole things, split it apart, and send a chapter every week. This one was long, though; there's a lot of manga wedged in there. Next chapter: Akane stars in the Furinkan High School production of Romeo and Juliet. It will be a lot shorter. Don't miss it._


	10. Wherefore art thou, Ranma?

_A/N: Ah, another chapter. I expected this one to be a lot shorter, and was totally wrong— I think it's the longest so far, on account of a lot of dialogue and a lot of Romeo and Juliet being included. I skipped the dojo destroyer story arc; the whole idea was that the fathers faked things to try and bring Ranma and Akane together, and, well... there wouldn't be much need for that, would there? It's a great part of the manga, though; it's really the closest that Akane has come to admitting her feelings for Ranma._

_I thought this would be a short chapter. I'm pretty sure it's the longest so far, on account of the verbatim play dialogue and a large amount of character interaction. Here's hoping it doesn't put you to sleep._

_One review, which I couldn't respond to since it was an anon; DBZLOVER: I didn't actually think of that, but I wasn't really thinking that Happi didn't know. He was just trying to embarrass them in front of their fathers. And to everybody else, thank you so much for the reviews._

_So, here we go. Time to mangle Shakespeare. The bard is turning in his grave._

* * *

Ranma was deep in a poker game with Daisuke and Hiroshi. Usually better than them, this particular game was _not_ going his way. Thankfully, he would never agree to play for more than 500 yen... because he was sure he'd lose if he put any real money into it. He looked over his shoulder at the argument that was brewing behind him.

"Because I hate being in plays!" Akane shouted. "Okay?"

"Please, Akane!" a classmate pleaded.

"No one else can play the lead!" another chimed.

Ranma tossed in the ¥10 big blind and looked at the two cards he'd been dealt. Deuce-seven off-suit. Blech. Hiroshi tossed in a raise and Ranma promptly mucked. "I'm out," he said, rising from the table and walking to where Akane was mopping the floor.

"Want a hand?" he asked.

"Hey, I'm the one in the drama club, not you, remember? It's my job!"

"Just trying to help. It's a natural reaction to seeing you working while I'm standing around."

"Thanks anyway, but I'll be done in a second."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why did you join the drama club if you're not going to do any acting?"

"Ranma! There's a lot of stuff to do behind the scenes. That's why I tried to get you to join, remember?"

"I'm still thinking about it. I was afraid of taking time out of training, but it doesn't sound like it consumes too much..."

Akane batted her eyelashes. "It's never too late, you know..."

"Always with the sweet talking."

Akane stuck her tongue out at him and continued mopping.

"What play are they planning?"

"Romeo & Juliet."

Ranma raised his eyebrows. "Oh? Why don't you want to be in it? I'm sure you're good enough."

"It's not that."

Ranma looked out the window. "Then what? I thought every girl in the world wants to play Juliet. Or does the guy cast as Romeo have halitosis or something?"

Not getting an answer, Ranma looked at his fiancée and realized that she'd stopped mopping, and tears were forming in the corners of her eyes. He took the mop from her and set it aside, wrapping her in a hug. "Hey, hey, hey," he said, "what's the matter? What is it?"

She looked up at him, looking absolutely devastated. "They don't want me to play Juliet!"

"They don't? Well who _do_ they want you to play?"

She looked down. "The _other_ lead."

"The other lead? Romeo?"

She nodded.

"Uh... why on earth would they want _you_ to play _Romeo_?"

"Because... I played Romeo in elementary school. I was the strongest in the class, even though I was a girl, so I was the only one who could do his fighting scenes."

"Well, yeah, but... elementary school girls don't have boobs yet, and the boys' voices haven't dropped. They're interchangeable at that age. That's not really true when you're sixteen."

"Everybody loved my performance, but I hated playing a guy. All I wanted was to play Juliet, but they stuck me in there as Romeo. I just... I don't want to go through it again."

Just then, the drama teacher approached them. He was wearing a ridiculous costume; the type of person that had sought a life as a professional actor, and probably hadn't made it beyond 'juror 3' in his college production of _Inherit the Wind_. "Why don't you want the role, Akane?" he asked. "It's the lead!"

Ranma wasn't so sure about things. Elementary school was one thing... would they really ask a high school girl (with boobs like Akane's) to play Romeo? Or was she just assuming? He thought up an easy way to check. "Who's playing Romeo?" he asked nonchalantly. It was an obvious question, and if the guy really did want Akane as Romeo, his attempts to explain why would make him look like an idiot.

The drama teacher scratched his head. "Well, we haven't cast Romeo yet," he replied. "Is that the problem, Akane? Are you worried about who your costar will be? You can be a part of the decision-making process if that's the prob— "

Akane's eyes widened, a smile growing across her face. "It's okay," she said. "I'll do it. I'll be Juliet."

The drama coach was elated, skipping away to undoubtedly make preparations, while Akane seemed to be in some kind of happy stupor. Ranma gave her a hug. "You need to stop assuming stuff," he said. Akane didn't answer. Ranma nonchalantly put his hands on the back of his head. "So, I guess you've got lines to learn," he said, "or do you have the whole thing memorized already?" Akane giggled. "I probably do know most of it,"she replied. "Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

Kuno popped in from the window. "It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!" he cried, delivering Shakespeare in a method not unlike the way Samuel L. Jackson describes how many motherf-in' snakes are on his motherf-in' plane. Ranma put his palm to his face. "I _really_ should've seen that one coming," he moaned. Akane looked at Kuno through narrowed eyes. "And who cast _you_?" she growled. Kuno held up a permission slip. "_I_ did!" he replied. Ranma shook his head. "I don't think it works that—"

Just then, a thump distracted everyone. The source of the noise was Gosunkugi, trying and failing to nail a voodoo doll into the wall. "Let me guess," one of the girls said. "_You_ want to be Romeo, too?" Ranma smirked at Akane. "Maybe you were on the right track turning the role down," he said with a chuckle.

Happosai strolled through the door. "Oh gee," Ranma said, rolling his eyes. "What could _he_ possibly want?" Happosai's eyes shimmered. "Oh, to do a love scene with Akane..." he said, before being flattened by Ranma. Ranma looked at Akane. "I suppose I should be proud," he said, "that my fiancée is so cute that every guy in the school wants a piece of her." Akane peered down at the old man. "And a few outside the school," she chimed.

* * *

That night, Ranma and Kasumi sat looking at photographs of Akane in her elementary school play. Ranma shook his head. "She must be a good actress if she pulled off Romeo," he said. Kasumi nodded. "She was a hit," she said. "She did the fighting scenes better than anybody!" Ranma snickered. "Figures," he said. "Always a martial artist before anything else."

He rose and wandered outside. There was a light coming from upstairs, and, walking around the side of the house, he saw Akane in the window. "Hey, look," he said, chuckling, "Juliet's on her balcony." Akane stuck her tongue out at him.

"Any idea what's going to happen with Romeo?" he asked.

"None."

"You're not seriously going to have to star opposite one of those freaks, are you?"

"Kuno, maybe. He kinda has a lot of pull."

"I sure hope their antics don't ruin the play for you. I know people like Kuno tend to do that to a lot of stuff you work for."

"Well, you know..."

"What do I know?"

"If you joined drama club, _you_ could be my Romeo... just like in real life..."

"Uh... Akane, I've never acted in anything in my life. Working behind the scenes sounded kinda neat, y'know, it would've been something to do together, but... I don't think I could handle playing Romeo in Romeo and Juliet! That's starting kinda big, don't you think?"

"It just a couple of scenes for a regional competition. There are hardly any guys in the drama club already, and none of them act very well. You'd be at least as good as they would. Please?"

Ranma groaned inwardly. He really didn't feel up to the task. On the other hand, the mess Kuno would surely make of the whole thing would be devastating for her. "Eh... well... lemme think about it. Let's see what happens with the casting. If it's the only way to keep the whole play from being ruined..."

"Aw, thanks, Ranma!"

"Yeah, well... I can tell it's really important to you, and I _really_ hate seeing you cry... and I know you will if everything goes wrong. Besides, I know you'd do something like this for me."

Akane glanced inside. "It's getting late, are you coming to bed soon?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. We'll deal with the crazies tomorrow."

* * *

Ranma sat in the auditorium seats as Akane was climbing into position in the balcony built onstage. Truth be told, he was really proud of her. There she was, his fiancée, playing Juliet in _Romeo and Juliet_. It was something to brag about— he was engaged to the star!. He turned his attention to the three ridiculous-looking Romeos standing at the foot of the stage— Happosai, Kuno, and Gosunkugi, all dressed in various crazy costumes. 'This can't possibly end well,' he thought, burying his face in his hand. With any luck, someone serious in the drama club would best them and get cast as Romeo, and Akane could have her play. Otherwise, he was going to have to step in.

He looked at the three Romeos. 'I sure hope they wouldn't expect me to dress like that,' he thought.

"Do you have any idea what _Romeo and Juliet _is about?" the drama teacher asked the three in exasperation. None seemed able to provide an answer. Ranma looked at the ceiling, sighing. It was official— he'd been recruited.

Maybe it would be all right. Maybe his acting wouldn't be too bad, and he'd actually enjoy it. "I can feel that community theater prize slipping through my fingers," the drama teacher moaned. "Now the students will never get to enjoy that invitation to see China."

China?

Ranma sat bolt upright. Now he had _two_ reasons to play an acceptable Romeo. There was no doubt anymore— he had to do this. He raced to the group. "Excuse me," he said, tapping the drama teacher on the shoulder. "Akane had asked me to audition for Romeo. Where do I sign up?" The other three looked at him like he had a second nose. Kuno stepped back and unsheathed his bokken. "If you want my role, you'll have to fight me for it!" he yelled.

"Wait!" Gosunkugi yelled. "This is a play, right? Why don't we settle this onstage?"

"A battle royal!" Kuno said, smiling like an idiot. "The one left standing onstage will be the true Romeo!"

"Wait a minute!" Ranma said forcefully. "First of all, this play is really important to Akane and you're going to ruin it if you turn it into some kind of battle! Geez, you guys are trying to win Akane over and you can't even tell how much she cares about this? No frickin' wonder she wants nothing to do with any of you..."

"What's your point, Saotome?"

"My point is, we settle this _before_ the play! _Before!_ That way, everything goes perfect the night of the show!"

"And how do you propose we settle this beforehand?" Kuno asked.

"I'm glad you asked. I have a simple idea." He looked up at the balcony. "Hey, Akane! Which one of us do you want to play Romeo?"

"You! Ranma!"

"Thank you!" Ranma looked at the other three. "Good enough?"

The other three looked at him angrily, especially Kuno. "Saotome," he growled, "what spell do you have over Akane that would make her want a man like you?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. To hear Kuno talk, he was the greatest sorcerer in all of Japan. He felt something being pressed into his hand, and looked down to see a book that the drama teacher was handing him. "Act two, scene two!" he said excitedly. Ranma looked at the book, a copy of the play.

It couldn't be _that_ hard, right?

* * *

Ranma blanched as he read the book. "Kami, there's like five minutes worth of me just talking!" he said. Akane nodded. "Yeah, you have a monologue before I appear on the balcony," she replied. "Then, we have the stuff we say to eachother." They sat on their futon, in their bedroom. Ranma had suggested reading lines to help him get the play figured out— he didn't realize that he had to talk so much!

"Do you think I can have somebody holding cue cards offstage?" he asked.

"I guess so."

"Thank Kami."

Akane chuckled.

"So, uh... what exactly is this play about?"

"Well, Romeo and Juliet meet and fall in love, but they come from warring families, so they can't be together."

"So the exact opposite of how _we_ got together."

"Correct."

"So what else happens?"

"Well, Romeo has friends that he's with throughout the play. At one point, he and his friends fight a group of people from Juliet's family, and one of Romeo's friends is killed. Romeo kills Juliet's cousin in revenge, and is forced to live in exile. Juliet's father pushes her to marry another man, even though she loves Romeo. She comes up with a plan where she takes a potion that makes her seem dead. The idea is that they'll take her to the crypt, Romeo will come and she'll wake up, and they will run away together."

"Hey, I like that! That's a pretty sweet idea."

"Well, things end up not working out. Romeo doesn't get word of the plan and thinks Juliet is really dead. He goes to see her body, and brings a bottle of poison. After he sees her one last time, he drinks the poison. Juliet wakes up, but Romeo is already dead. She takes his knife and kills herself with it."

Ranma sat in stunned silence. "That... is... so... terrible! Who the hell would write such a horrible thing?"

"It's Shakespeare, Ranma."

"What the hell was wrong with that guy? Why do you like this play so much? Why does _anybody_ like this play? That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard!"

Akane put a hand to her face. "It's a classic, Ranma. Shakespearean tragedy. Think of it this way. They couldn't be together in life, but they were finally together in death."

"I... guess... So what scene are we performing?"

"It takes place right after Romeo and Juliet have met at a masquerade ball. Romeo sees her at her window. It's just the two of them. It's really sweet. The most famous scene from the play."

"Okay." He looked at the book. "Couldn't you have fallen in love with a happier play?"

Akane shoved him playfully. "Shut up, Ranma."

"Seriously! Did this Shakespeare guy write anything where everybody _doesn't_ die?"

"Just read it!"

"Fine. What's the other scene we're doing?"

"Romeo finds Juliet and drinks the poison."

"And you're going to stab yourself."

"Right."

"Great. The ending. The depressing part."

"Just pretend it's real. Same with the balcony scene; it's called method acting. Now... read! You need an idea of what you're going to say!"

* * *

A couple of hours later, Ranma lay in the darkness, holding the sleeping Akane. He was replaying the cues in his head. He definitely didn't consider himself an actor, even though Akane said his reading was realistic. He was a little bit nervous about performing onstage, though he'd been drawn into school-wide spectacles more than once, so attracting a crowd wasn't exactly new to him. The bigger concern was just getting it right. If everything went smoothly, it was no sweat to him and Akane would get the play she always wanted. If he bungled it, he'd look like an idiot and the thing that Akane had wanted since she was a girl would be wrecked.

_And_ doing it right meant a free trip to China. He didn't know if he could cure the curse, but he had to go to China to find out. He'd planned to take a trip there as an adult, when he had money, but now... he might be able to go right away, for free! How did he wind up with so much riding on something he hadn't given crap one about two days ago?

He heard a rustle outside the window. Sitting up, he turned around to look, and was instantly hit by someone that he couldn't see. Two more assailants flew in, pinning his arms down, but Ranma was able to knock the first person back out the window with a kick. Struggling, he yanked his arms together, smacking the other two headfirst into eachother.

The light came on, and Ranma found himself looking at Gosunkugi and Happosai, with Kuno leaning in the window, holding a large iron chain. Akane was sitting up, covering her naked chest with an arm. Apparently, she was the one who'd grabbed the light. Gosunkugi and Kuno started to get nosebleeds, while Happosai sprang into the air, only to be flattened by an angry Akane.

"Get out of my room!" she cried. Kuno looked at her. "Dearest Akane," he said, "I was only trying to remove that scoundrel Saotome who'd snuck in here!" Akane grabbed a dumbbell with her free hand and sent it flying into Kuno's face. "It's his room, too!" she yelled. "Did you miss the fact that we're engaged?" Kuno was in shock. "Akane Tendo," he muttered. "You... and Saotome... sleep in the same..."

Ranma threw Gosunkugi at him, knocking them both out the window. "Out!" he yelled. Akane picked up Happosai and sent him flying the same way. Ranma went to the window, where he saw a hole dug in the garden, and half a dozen bags that looked like bags of cement. "I think they were going to bury me alive!" he said in surprise. Akane reached over and tugged on his arm. "C'mon, Ranma," she said. "Bed time. Worry about it tomorrow. We have a lot of work to do still."

"I knew they wouldn't give up that easy," Ranma moaned, slamming the window shut and jamming it so it couldn't be opened.

* * *

Ranma and Akane walked toward Furinkan. Akane was glowing in excitement; Ranma was a nervous wreck. Doing this to make Akane happy hadn't seemed like a big deal, but it was now hitting him that he was about to perform in front of a few hundred of his peers. Thankfully, his dad was going to be assisting, holding the cue cards that the two of them had made the night before. (After all— who else could make signs so quickly?)

Walking into the building, Ranma was suddenly yanked aside, finding himself face-to-face with Gosunkugi, dressed to look like Akane (or so he thought). Ranma looked at the pale idiot. "Akane, you're really let yourself go," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Why Gosunkugi thought he had Ranma fooled was anyone's guess... especially since Akane was watching the entire exchange from a few feet away. Gosunkugi handed something cloth to Ranma, something that was suspiciously hissing.

"Oh, Ranma!" Gosunkugi cried in falsetto. "I'm so glad you came to play my Romeo! I even made you a costume!" He scurried away, with Ranma right on his heels. As soon as he stopped, Ranma handed the clothes back to him. "Sorry," Ranma said, "but I have a fiancée. I can't accept gifts from girls." He turned a corner, chuckling at the pop that he was sure signified the explosion of whatever Gosunkugi was holding.

_(A/N: I couldn't possibly come up with a better line that what was in the manga there. Also, am I the only one to see the significance of Ranma actually admitting he was engaged to Akane? It's only the second time it's happened.)_

Ranma made his way to the stage door, where Akane was waiting, already in costume. "I'll change in a sec," he said. "I want to be ready if Happosai and Kuno show up." As if on cue, the two of them sprang in from another hallway, fighting with eachother to get to the stage first. Glancing around, Ranma saw nobody in sight backstage. He darted through the doorway and pulled out the water bottle he'd brought. With a quick splash, he was a red-haired girl.

Going back to the hallway, Ranma found Kuno and Happosai both clamoring for Akane. They stopped as they saw Ranma. "Pigtailed girl!" Kuno cried, before Ranma kicked him to the ground. Grabbing Akane by the shoulders, she pulled her into a very-indiscreet tongue kiss, snaking a hand around to cop a feel. After a few seconds, they looked over to see the two annoyances collapsed on the floor. Ranma grabbed Kuno by the wrists. "Let's lock them in a room," she said. Akane nodded and picked up Happosai.

A few minutes later, Ranma was male and dressed, and Happosai and Kuno were bound and locked in a classroom. Ranma knew it wouldn't hold them for long; he only hoped that it would hold them long enough for them to finish the play. Taking one last look at his lines, the two of them made their way backstage. Ranma blanched when he saw the balcony that Akane would be standing on. She squeezed his hand. "You'll do fine," she said reassuringly.

Akane went to the back of the balcony while Ranma took his position onstage. He saw his father, as a panda, sitting offstage in front of him, holding a stack of cue cards. The furball gave a thumbs up. Ranma let out a breath. He sure hoped he could do it.

"Now for the final entry in the competition," a voice said over the PA, "the Furinkan High School drama club... in Romeo and Juliet!" The curtain flew open. Ranma glanced toward the audience, and was relieved that he couldn't see anyone behind the bright stage lights. Right on cue, Akane appeared on the balcony, eliciting cheers from the audience. Ranma looked at the cue cards across the stage, and took a breath.

"_But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.  
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,  
Who is already sick and pale with grief,  
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:  
Be not her maid, since she is envious;  
Her vestal livery is but sick and green  
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off."_

Ranma felt all right about the first part. He hadn't flubbed anything, and it sounded reasonably natural. He took another breath.

"_It is my lady, O, it is my love!  
O, that she knew she were!  
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?  
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.  
I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:  
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,  
Having some business, do entreat her eyes  
To twinkle in their spheres till they return."_

As he read on, Ranma started to remember these lines enough that he went away from the cue cards. Looking up at Akane, the talk of her eyes rang a little too true, and he started to lose himself. Snapping back to reality, Ranma realized that his reading was at least convincing to his father— the fat panda had forgot to switch to the next card!

Ranma glared at him... nothing. Shooting him a death glare, Ranma mouthed 'change... the... card.' With a start, Genma realized the problem and quickly flipped to the next cue card. Ranma bit his lip to keep from rolling his eyes.

"_What if her eyes were there, they in her head?  
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,  
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven  
Would through the airy region stream so bright  
That birds would sing and think it were not night.  
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!  
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,  
That I might touch that cheek!"_

"_Ay me,"_ Akane said, as if she'd been waiting to deliver that line since the day she was born.

"_She speaks!  
O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art  
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head  
As is a winged messenger of heaven  
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes  
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him  
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds  
And sails upon the bosom of the air."_

"_O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?  
Deny thy father... and refuse thy name...  
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,  
And I'll no longer be a Capulet."_

Ranma paused for a moment to marvel at just how well Akane was doing. She could have been a professional for sure. He was definitely proud. _"__Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?"_

"_'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;  
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.  
What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,  
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part  
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!  
What's in a name? That which we call a rose  
By any other name would smell as sweet;  
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,  
Retain that dear perfection which he owes  
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,  
And for that name which is no part of thee  
Take all myself."_

Doing his best to actually act, Ranma raised his voice. _"__I take thee at thy word.  
__Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;  
__Henceforth I never will be Romeo."_

Right on cue, Akane spun around to look at Ranma below her, as if she'd had no idea that he was there. _"__What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night  
__So stumblest on my counsel?"_

"_By a name  
I know not how to tell thee who I am.  
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,  
Because it is an enemy to thee;  
Had I it written, I would tear the word."_

"_My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words  
Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound:  
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?"_

"_Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike."_

"_How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?  
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb,  
And the place death, considering who thou art,  
If any of my kinsmen find thee here."_

"_With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;  
For stony limits cannot hold love out,  
And what love can do that dares love attempt;  
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me."_

After all of the practice time they'd taken, Ranma realized that the lines were actually flowing. It really felt like they were having a conversation with one another. It must have been that 'method acting' stuff Akane was talking about.

"_If they do see thee, they will murder thee."_

"_Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye  
Than twenty of their swords. Look thou but sweet,  
And I am proof against their enmity."_

"_I would not for the world they saw thee here."_

"_I have night's cloak to hide me from their sight;  
And but thou love me, let them find me here.  
My life were better ended by their hate,  
Than death prorogued, wanting of thy love."_

Ranma realized as he said that last line that he really meant it. Maybe Shakespeare was on to something.

"_By whose direction found'st thou out this place?"_

"_By love, who first did prompt me to inquire;  
He lent me counsel and I lent him eyes.  
I am no pilot; yet, wert thou as far  
As that vast shore wash'd with the farthest sea,  
I would adventure for such merchandise."_

Ranma let out a breath as he got to go without talking for a while. It was his favorite part of their rehearsals.

"_Thou know'st the mask of night is on my face,  
Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek  
For that which thou hast heard me speak to-night  
Fain would I dwell on form, fain, fain deny  
What I have spoke: but farewell compliment!  
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say 'Ay,'  
And I will take thy word: yet if thou swear'st,  
Thou mayst prove false; at lovers' perjuries  
Then say, Jove laughs. O gentle Romeo,  
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.  
Or if thou think'st I am too quickly won,  
I'll frown and be perverse an say thee nay,  
So thou wilt woo; but else, not for the world."_

Akane said every bit of it from memory. For the life of him, Ranma couldn't figure out how she did it. Other than the possibility that she'd memorized the entire play as a child. Still... she was incredible. He couldn't deny that.

She continued. _"In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond,  
__And therefore thou mayst think my 'havior light.  
__But trust me, gentleman, I'll prove more true  
__Than those that have more cunning to be strange.  
__I should have been more strange, I must confess,  
__But that thou overheard'st, ere I was ware,  
__My true love's passion. Therefore pardon me,  
__And not impute this yielding to light love,  
__Which the dark night hath so discovered."_

Ranma inhaled as he prepared to start talking again. _"Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear  
That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops..."_

"_O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,  
That monthly changes in her circled orb,  
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable."_

"_What shall I swear by?"_

"_Do not swear at all;  
Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self,  
Which is the god of my idolatry,  
And I'll believe thee."_

"_If my heart's dear love..."_

"_Well, do not swear. Although I joy in thee,  
I have no joy of this contract to-night:  
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;  
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be  
Ere one can say 'It lightens.' Sweet, good night!  
This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,  
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.  
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest  
Come to thy heart as that within my breast!"_

How did she remember all this stuff?

"_O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?"_

"_What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?"_

"_The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine."_

"_I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:  
And yet I would it were to give again._

_I wish but for the thing I have:  
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,  
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,  
The more I have, for both are infinite."_

One of their classmates, who was cast as the nurse, called from offstage. "Juliet!"

Akane continued. _"__I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!  
__Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true._

_Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow,  
That I shall say good night till it be morrow."_

Ranma let out a breath as he, relieved, read his last line._ "__Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy __breast!  
__Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!  
__Hence will I to my ghostly father's cell,  
__His help to crave, and my dear hap to tell."_

_(A/N: Yeah, I cut part of that. It's too long as it is.)_

The curtain slammed shut, and Ranma heard mad applause coming from the other side. Apparently, they were a hit. He nearly dropped from exhaustion. Akane raced down from the balcony and jumped on him, throwing her arms around him. "Ranma, it was perfect!" she said, squeezing him tight. He hugged her back. "Glad you liked it," he said, "because my nerves are going to be shot for the next month or so."

They walked off the side of the stage. "Okay," Akane said. "They're going to bring the table out, and it'll be time for the last scene. I'll be laying out there, and you'll come out to find me. Got it?" Ranma nodded.

Just then, The wall appeared to move. It turned out not to be the wall, but Gosunkugi painted to match it. He sprang on Akane, holding a cloth soaked in something over Akane's nose and mouth. Ranma jumped at them, but Akane managed to throw Gosunkugi off, before taking a shaky step and collapsing to the ground. The pale boy tried to drag her away, but appeared unable to move her (which made Ranma even angrier: she wasn't that heavy!)

Ranma took a step and planted a fist squarely in the middle of Gosunkugi's face, sending him flying. He knelt by Akane. "Akane... Akane..." he whispered. "Akane, are you all right? Can you hear me?" she stirred, looking up at Ranma. "Wha..." she murmured. Ranma put a finger to her mouth. "Sh, don't try to speak," he whispered. "Gosunkugi did something to you."

Akane looked around. "I can go on. Put me on the table. I want to finish this scene."

"Akane! You could be hurt!"

Akane looked at him tearfully. "Please, Ranma. I don't want to miss this chance. I'm okay. Really."

Ranma sighed and picked her up, setting her gently on the table that lay decorated in the middle of the stage. "I'm going to kill that little puke..." he mumbled.

The drama teacher picked up the microphone. "Juliet sleeps the sleep... of death!" he said, his voice echoing through the audience. "But wait! There is only one way to revive her! A kiss from her beloved!"

"Hey!" Ranma said. "That's not how the story goes!"

"That's Sleeping Beauty!" he heard a heckler call out in the audience.

"Thank you," Ranma mumbled.

The drama teacher covered the mic. "It was a special request from the judge! He said, you two kiss, you win!"

Akane grabbed his sleeve. "It's okay, Ranma. It's close enough. We can give the play a happy ending."

"You sure?"

Akane nodded, and the curtain flew open. Ranma found himself staring in the darkness where the audience was. The audience sat in silence. He looked down at Akane, who was now laying motionless. After Gosunkugi's attack, he was indecribably relieved that she was only playing dead.

Ranma reached down and stroked her hair. Corny as it sounded, reading those lines from such a famous love story made him realize that he did... love... her, more than any words in any play could possibly express. If he'd needed any reminder of that fact, pretending to be Romeo with Akane as Juliet was it. He cupped a hand under her head. Leaning down, he gave her a soft kiss. The audience exploded in cheering, while Akane stirred and put her arms around his neck.

They stayed like that, thunderous applause roaring throughout the auditorium.

* * *

Ranma and Akane walked down the road beside the aqueduct, hand in hand. Ranma was amazed that he had any nerves left that weren't shot, though seeing Akane unharmed from Gosunkugi's stunt was a big relief. The smile on Akane's face told him that his effort was worth it. She leaned close. "Everybody said your delivery was great," she said.

Ranma chuckled. "Are you sure they weren't just being nice?"

"No! They were serious! They want to do the whole play as the drama club's spring presentation!"

"Lemme guess... me and you as Romeo and Juliet, right?"

"Duh."

"Well, I'll give it a shot. It was kinda fun when I wasn't racking my brain trying to remember cues."

"The more you get into the part, the easier it is to remember the lines. You have to _become_ Romeo."

"Yeah, I guess. You sure you're feeling okay after Gosunkugi's crap?"

Akane rubbed her head. "Aside from a splitting headache, yeah."

"I'm going to kill that little freak. I'll break him into a thousand pieces."

She wrapped her arms around him. "Don't stress yourself. He didn't hurt anything in the end."

"He almost wrecked the play for you!"

"Almost but didn't. He was one of three that could've easily wrecked everything."

"Still... at least when Ryoga almost cut your head off it was an accident. Gosunkugi did that on purpose."

"Yeah, but he wasn't trying to hurt me, just kidnap me."

Ranma grinned. "Well now, _that_ makes me feel a whole lot better! I mean... I'm sure you could tear him a new one, but if you woke up tied to a bed... I can't imagine what he was planning to do."

"Yeah, I'm trying not to imagine it."

"I might not kill the little puke, but he'll pay... somehow..." He looked off into the distance, remembering the last time something like this had happened. "Do you think I was too hard on Ryoga?"

"How so?"

"Well, I mean... it _was_ an accident. Maybe I shouldn't have got so mad about it. It's just... the thought of somebody hurting you drives me crazy. I dunno."

"Well, if he wanders back into Nerima, maybe you can make friends with him."

"Yeah, maybe. Geez, we're the most sought-after people in this city. What with Shampoo and Ryoga coming after me, and Gosunkugi, Ku— holy crap! We didn't let Kuno and the old freak out of the room we locked them in!"

"You think they can get out on their own?"

"Eh... let's hope so. The last thing I want to do is face an angry old man and Kuno trying to cop a feel on you. I say leave 'em."

They arrived back at the Tendo house, to be greeted by Kasumi and Nabiki. "Hurry up you two," the middle Tendo said. "You're missing China!" After exchanging confused glances, Akane and Ranma made their way to the washitsu, where a host of Chinese-themed decorations met them. Seated in the middle of the room was the judge from the play, under a banner reading "Award winning actor Xian 'China' Li".

Ranma shook his head. "Shoulda known," he muttered. Akane hugged him. "I like you just the way you are," she whispered. Ranma gave her a squeeze. He was certainly disappointed, but it wasn't like he couldn't go to China in the future. And besides... she _did_ like him the way he was.

He surveyed the room. The fathers and Happosai were gorging on bottles of something alcoholic, either sake or champagne. Clearly the old man had indeed escaped; just as long as he didn't burst in on the play, Ranma wasn't concerned. Looking around, Ranma immediately spotted a familiar pale teenager.

"You!" he yelled. Gosunkugi jumped to his feet, but couldn't even take a step before Ranma grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him from the room. Taking him out to the garden, Ranma shoved him roughly to the ground. Gosunkugi looked up at him, trembling.

"You chloroformed my fiancée, you little freak!"

"S... Saotome, please... I just... I wasn't going to..."

"And what exactly were you going to do to her if you got away?"

"I, uh... I..."

Ranma leaned close to him. "Do you have any idea what I did to the last guy that hurt Akane?"

Gosunkugi gulped without saying a word. Ranma grabbed him by the hair and stood him up. "I want to break you in half," Ranma muttered, "but you're such a weakling I feel like I'd be wasting my time." Just then, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked over to see Akane. "Let me talk to him," she said.

Gosunkugi suddenly entered dreamland. "She wants... to talk... to me?" he mumbled. Ranma shook him roughly. "Pay attention, nerdlinger," he said, rolling his eyes. Gosunkugi seemed to snap back to reality, while Akane leaned close and peered into his eyes.

"Hikaru," she said. "Ranma is my fiancée, and I love him. I don't want to be with anybody else. That includes you. Understand?"

Gosunkugi nodded slowly.

"I especially wouldn't like any man that took me away from Ranma, or took Ranma away from me. If anybody ever did that, it would only make me _despise_ them." She lowered her eyes. "And if anybody ever hurt or... killed... him, to try to get to me, I'd make it my life's work to ruin them. They would have taken away what's most important to me." She took a breath and looked at the pale boy again. "Stop this, Hikaru. You're not going to win me over. _Especially_ if you try to kidnap me. Are you hearing me? _I'll never leave Ranma for you, or anybody else. Never. You can't change my mind._"

She took a step back. Gosunkugi looked absolutely deflated; Ranma was pretty sure that he'd got the message. He let Gosunkugi go, and watched as the pale boy trudged around the front of the house toward the gate.

"I'd like to think that was good enough," Ranma said, "but even though he seems to have listened, I'll bet he convinces himself that he can win you from me if he tries hard enough."

Akane shook her head. "I'm not so sure, Ranma. I think he might have been just dense enough to have never realized I wasn't interested. He's not brainless like Kuno; I think he understands."

"I sure hope so. It gets really annoying dealing with these freaks trying to get a piece of you."

"Ditto."

"Maybe we should become prostitutes. We already have a loyal customer base. We could convert the dojo into a brothel. I think a red light bulb would be all it would take..."

"Ranma?"

"Hm?"

"Shut up."

Ranma chuckled as he took her hand and headed for the house. They might as well enjoy the festivities. They'd earned them.

* * *

_A/N: Yeah, the line about forgetting the people locked in the room was based on the _Family Guy_ episode where Stewie locked the babysitter's boyfriend in the trunk of Brain's car. So, did Gosunkugi get the message? Well, I have no idea. I'm going to wait to decide that until G next interacts with our characters. It would be pretty interesting to write him differently. We'll see._


	11. Eat me

_A/N: So I was undecided about whether or not to write the Hidden Spring arc. I read through it, and... it's kinda boring for our purposes. I mean... at best, I just have Akane help Ranma because he's smart enough to tell her what he's looking for. (That would have been too logical for the real Saotome... seriously... he gets pummeled a dozen times when all he had to do was tell Akane what he was looking for and come back at night!) Besides, that means another chapter before Ukyo shows up, and I'm really antsy to get to that story arc._

_So this chapter is based off of the beginning of manga volume 9, right before Ukyo comes to town. The Black Rose and her half-dozen brain cells are due for a visit..._

* * *

Ranma stood in the hallway outside the home ec room, waiting for Akane's class to end. Thankfully, it was the end of the day. Also thankfully, the classroom wasn't ablaze. He knew Akane had problems in that area.

He heard Kuno's voice, and, looking in through the doorway, chuckled as he saw Akane deck the clueless upperclassman. She came smugly to the door, holding something wrapped in a furoshiki. She handed it to him. "I made you something," she said cheerfully. Ranma was a bit worried, but he figured he'd take his chances. Being a good fiancée meant helping Akane on her path to becoming a good cook... even if she were twenty feet off the path and headed in the wrong direction.

Ranma opened the furoshiki and looked inside, spying what looked to be animal crackers. He picked one up; a round thing with legs. "An octopus?" he asked.

Akane's eyes narrowed. "It's a penguin."

Ranma squinted at it. "Oh, wait... I see... I thought the sides of its feet were separate legs. You know I'm not very artistic." He picked up another. "A crab? Or am I wrong again?"

Akane rolled her eyes. "That's a lion."

Ranma took a closer look. "Oh, that's the mane. I thought they were legs. Must be because it's so small. And this one..." He took another. "I'm almost afraid to ask. Water flea?"

Akane shook her head sadly. "No, that one's a rabbit."

"Oh, okay... these are the ears... sorry, Akane. Like I said, I'm not very artistic."

"Well forget the shape. Just try one and tell me how it tastes!"

Ranma nodded. Ten-to-one it was going to be lousy, but he'd give it a shot. She _had_ shown a little improvement as she'd been working at it. He wouldn't have the chance to find out, though— a ribbon suddenly snaked toward him, snatching the package from his hands.

They looked up to see Kodachi Kuno, ribbon in hand. "Hey, give me that back!" Ranma shouted. "I was eating that!" Kodachi laughed maniacally, while her brother appeared behind them. "If it isn't my twisted sister," he muttered. "Yeah, well, keep her on a leash, would ya?" Ranma barked. The Black Rose smiled at him. "Don't fear this evil confection, Ranma darling!" she cried, tossing a bundle to him. "Take these!"

Ranma looked at the package he'd been handed. "Aside from the fact that these are almost certainly packed with chemicals," he said, "I'd kind of like to eat what my _fiancée_ made for me. You know... what you just took right out of my hand? If that's all right." Akane stared the girl down. "Give... me... back... my... cookies..." she said threateningly. Kodachi looked unimpressed. "Cookies such as these," she said, "aren't worthy of my darling Ranma's lips!" She sprang out the window, while tears started to form in Akane's eyes. "Those were the best I've made so far," she said quietly.

Ranma looked out the window, nodding. "I'll go track her down," he said, as though resigned to his fate.

Jumping out the window, he found Kodachi waiting only a few yards away. "Oh, Ranma!" she cried. "I knew you'd come for me!"

"I didn't come for you, I came for Akane's cookies. Give them back already; this ain't funny!"

Just then, Happosai bounded in from who-knows-where, with a crowd of girls in tow. The crowd knocked Ranma to the ground, trampling him. He looked up, feeling footprints on his back. "Stupid old pervert," he muttered. He was suddenly startled by hands sliding onto his back... the hands of Kodachi, who he'd landed right on top of!

"Oh, Ranma!" she said. "You do care!"

Ranma put one hand on the ground and used the other to pry at one of her arms. "Get... your perverted hands... off of me!" he growled. He got free and stood, as he heard people from the school approaching. Kodachi jumped to her feet. "Never fear, Ranma darling!" she said. "We'll continue this soon!" With a screeching laugh, she bounded away, as Akane and some of their classmates made their way to him. "My cookies!" Akane shouted, retrieving hers from the ground. Some other students grabbed Kodachi's bundle, ravenously digging in.

"Hey, you guys?" Ranma said. "I wouldn't—" His warning came too late, though, as the hungry students started dropping to the ground. Ranma shook his head. "Knew it," he muttered. He turned to Akane. "The old freak ran by," he said. "The crowd of girls chasing him trampled me quite nicely. You know what's worse than getting knocked down and trampled by a crowd of girls? Getting knocked on top of _Kodachi_ and getting trampled by a crowd of girls! She was about two seconds away from grabbing hold of stuff I did _not_ want her hands on!"

Akane smirked. "So you didn't enjoy getting close to another girl?"

"Are you kidding? She looks like a skeleton in a leotard! I'd rather get felt up by Betty at Dr. Tofu's office! Same figure without the mouth!"

Akane handed her cookies to him. "All right, try these now. Please?"

Ranma looked at the cookies in front of him. He didn't have high expectations. "Okay," he said, sighing inwardly. "Let's see how they turned out." He took one and popped it in his mouth.

There's no easy way to describe what he experienced next. It was something like being on a train while it crashed. Everything momentarily went white, and he was pretty sure his stomach attempted to crawl up his throat and run for its life. He swallowed the cookie (if you could call it that) with some difficulty.

"So?" Akane asked. "What did you think?"

"Akane, I have to be honest with you. Something tastes off in these. I don't know what, but something is definitely... off..."

Akane deflated. "Sorry. I tried my best."

"Did you try one yourself? This isn't like being overdone or anything. I'm pretty certain you mixed up an ingredient. Maybe you'll be able to tell what it is if you eat one."

Akane popped one in her mouth, and immediately made a face. "Wow," she said. "I sure _did_ mess those up." Looking irritated, she emptied the furoshiki all over the ground. Ranma squeezed her shoulder. "Work with Kasumi," he said. "She knows everything about cooking. Hell, she probably learned the same way you're learning."

* * *

A half hour later, Akane and Kasumi were in the kitchen, while Ranma watched from the doorway. It seemed like Akane was trying to mix martial arts and cooking... with little success. Everything she did was high-gear, from the super-speed mixing by hand, to the literally throwing ingredients into the mix. Kasumi had told her several times already that slowing down would help, but Akane swore that moving fast helped her concentrate. The older Tendo resigned herself to watching helplessly as Akane darted around the kitchen in a blur.

Akane poured a white powder into her mix. "One cup sugar," she said. Kasumi blinked. "That was salt," she said. Akane grabbed another ingredient, throwing it into the bowl she was using. "Vanilla extract!" she cried. Kasumi shook her head. "Akane, that was sesame oil."

Ranma shuddered as the cookies baked. Akane hadn't thrown the mix out— salt and sesame oil? There was no way these cookies would taste anything like cookies. A few minutes later, Akane set a plate of finished cookies in front of him, smiling sweetly while Ranma fought to control his gag reflex. Before he had time to choke one down, though, a letter flew in through the open door, landing in his lap.

I'VE PREPARED YOU A FEAST.  
COME TO ME.  
YOU WON'T BE SORRY.  
P.S. I'VE INCLUDED A  
COMMEMORATIVE PHOTO  
OF OUR LAST RENDEVOUS.  
I'M SO HAPPY, I COULD JUST  
SCATTER COPIES ALL OVER  
TOWN!

"Oh, Kami," Ranma muttered. He looked at the paper included with the note— a 3x5 print showing him laying on top of the Black Rose. He looked up at Akane. "Akane," he said, "we have something important to do."

"What's the matter?"

Ranma handed her the note and photograph. "Apparently, she had somebody at the ready to get a picture of me when I landed on her. We have to stop her."

"All right, but will you try a cookie before we go? I really want to know if they turned out right."

"Uh, Akane? No offense, but you mixed up salt and sesame oil for sugar and vanilla extract. I can already tell you they didn't turn out right."

"Huh? What makes you think I mixed those things up?"

"Kasumi tried to tell you wile you were doing it. Didn't you hear her?"

"No."

"You're either concentrating too hard, or not hard enough." He grabbed a handful of cookies. "I think your sister's right. You're going too fast. You need to be more careful with what you add. Y'know, pay closer attention when you grab stuff off the shelf."

"Hey! Cooking and baking aren't exactly easy to do!"

"I'm sure they aren't, but I also hate to see you try really hard and have it not work out, and that's exactly how your cooking practice has been going. So if there's anything that could possibly help, you should do it." He popped a cookie in his mouth, experiencing something much like his earlier venture. He coughed. "Well... I have some good news. I know what was wrong with your earlier batch. These taste exactly the same. Now come on." He broke into a run, with Akane in tow.

* * *

They found Kodachi atop a building in central Nerima, tossing photos down by the handful. Pictures floated through the air like some sort of Polaroid ticker-tape parade. Ranma darted down the crowded street, grabbing as many of the photos as he could catch. Finally, his arms full, he jumped to the roof where the Black Rose was standing.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he yelled. "Why would you do this?"

"I wanted the whole world to share in our moment!"

"We did not have a moment! You took me falling as an opportunity to start feeling me up! Now, how many more of these are there?"

"Hundreds!" she cried. She opened the kimono she was wearing, sending photos flying in all directions. Ranma groaned as he grabbed them, struggling to hold the growing pile of pictures. He looked down, seeing Akane on the street below. He crumpled the photos into one huge wad. "Catch!" he called, tossing them down to her. He stopped to think— how was he going to stop her from making more copies that she could throw around?

It hit him: the negative!

"Hey, Kodachi?" he said, mustering as much faux-sweetness as he could. "You know what would be great? If you could give me the negative. Then we could get a billboard print to put here on a building. My sister-in-law Nabiki is good with getting that kind of stuff. It'll be great!"

Kodachi squealed in excitement. "Of course, my love! It's at the estate! Let's go there right away!"

"I'm right behind you!" Ranma cried in mock enthusiasm. As soon as Kodachi ran, Ranma jumped back to the street where Akane was waiting. "All right," he said to her. "We're going to the Kuno estate to get the negative. She thinks I want it for good purposes. Just sneak in out-of-sight. I don't really trust that she won't drug me or anything, so you might end up having to drag me to safety or something. I hope her brother doesn't see you; I'd rather keep you out of this unless I need your help."

"You know... I could hear you down here."

"Huh? Oh, I'm not really going to put that picture on a billboard. You know that, right?"

Akane grinned. "I was more amused by the fact that you referred to Nabiki as your sister-in-law."

Ranma blushed as he remembered what she was referring to. He'd said it so quickly that it flew right by him; he only realized it at that moment, when Akane pointed it out to him. "Oh, yeah. It didn't even realize it. I guess I'm already in that mode." He let out a shy chuckle, before something else dawned on him. "Kodachi didn't even notice it! How stupid _is _that family?"

Akane gave him a hug for a moment, before breaking away. "All right," she said. "As much as that's giving me romantic ideas, they'll have to wait. We need to get to the Kuno mansion." They broke into a run.

* * *

Ranma caught up to Kodachi as she neared her gate. Unbeknownst to the clueless Kuno, Akane was hiding just a few feet behind them. As they entered, Tatewaki Kuno was practicing in the garden with his bokken. He brandished it toward Ranma. "What are you doing in my home?" he asked menacingly.

"I invited him, brother dear," Kodachi answered.

Kuno lowered his guard. "But that must mean..." he said, thinking for probably the first time in his life. "That means that you have given up our rivalry for Akane Tendo!" His eyes glazed over. Ranma couldn't help but laugh. "Like you had a chance," he said, shaking his head.

Kuno went into raving-lunatic mode. "Now no one stands in our way!" he cried. "Oh, Akane! Our life of joy begins!" He turned back to Ranma and Kodachi. "And may you two have all the happiness you deserve," he added. Ranma just shook his head.

Kodachi looked at Ranma sweetly. "Now, Ranma dear," she said. "Will you go fetch me the negative?" He nodded enthusiastically. "Of course!" he said. "Where is it?" "You'll find it on the collar of my pet, Mr. Turtle, who lives in my pond." she replied.

Ranma darted for the pond, shedding clothes as he went. Of course, he was going to turn into a girl, but that shouldn't matter. He needed to get the negative and get out; his time of sweet-talking Kodachi was at an end. With a leap, Ranma dove into the pond, immediately feeling the transformation.

The now-female Ranma quickly discovered that Mr. Turtle was _not_ a turtle. In fact, the misnamed pet was a giant crocodile, at least twenty feet long, and it didn't seem particularly happy that Ranma had disturbed its habitat. She narrowly avoided being bitten in half, but thankfully, she remembered a fact about crocodiles: while they can clamp their jaws with a great deal of force, they had little muscle to _open_ their mouths. Jumping on the creature's head, she grabbed its jaw with every bit of strength she had. This kept its mouth closed, but also caused it to start thrashing like mad, and Ranma knew she wasn't going to be able to hold on for very long. Releasing the animal's head, she leapt for its collar, grabbing the metal object and pulling as hard as she could.

_**Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzap!**_

Ranma was suddenly enveloped in the worst electrical shock she'd ever felt. Lightning coursed through her body, arcing to the ground and causing her hair to stand on end. Her entire body felt like it was on fire. Everything went black.

She came to lying face-up in the pond, where Akane had waded in and was frantically dragging her to the side. The collar was torn loose, laying near the edge. As soon as they made it out of the water, Ranma wrapped her in a tight hug. "Thank you," Ranma whispered, "but don't put yourself in that kind of danger for me."

"Ranma," Akane replied, "I'd rather get myself killed than to stand by and watch something kill _you_."

Kodachi and Tatewaki Kuno appeared at a door on the house. Kuno's eyes lit up. "Akane Tendo!" he cried. "Pigtailed girl!" He ran toward them, earning a kick from the both of them that sent him flying into the pond. Akane chuckled when he surfaced, looking with fright as Mr. Turtle appeared from underwater. "Oh Kuno-sempai!" she yelled. "Will you please toss that metal collar over here?" Kuno grabbed it as he scrambled to get away from the creature.

Making his way back to dry land, Kuno ran to embrace the two girls. Ranma promptly flattened him, while Akane grabbed the collar. She barely had time to take it, however, before a slew of clubs from Kodachi implanted themselves in the ground, sending Ranma and Akane jumping for cover. Diving, Akane grabbed one of the clubs, throwing it back toward the Black Rose. Kodachi dodged it, and dodged another that Ranma managed to send flying her way. Unfortunately for her, dodging Ranma's club left just enough of an opening for Akane to flatten her with a flying kick. Ranma rushed over, and she and Akane pinned the girl down.

"Out with it, Kodachi," Akane yelled. "How do we open this thing?"

"Like I would tell the likes of you!"

Ranma rolled her eyes. "I just want to take it back to my brother, Ranma. He's the one you're trying to give it to, right?"

Kodachi's eyes lit up. "Yes, I remember you! You defeated me in the martial arts gymnastics tournament! You're my love Ranma's sister! Take the collar to him! Tell him it opens with warm water."

Ranma and Akane instantly released the clueless girl. They looked down at the collar. "Bath!" they shouted in unison. Ranma grabbed the collar and ran into the house with Akane in tow. "Let's get the collar open and leave it here!" Ranma called back to her. "You never know what booby-trap she might have put in it!" Racing down a hallway, they frantically peeked in doorways, trying to find a furo. Finally, through an open door, they spotted the furoba, where the furo was (thankfully) full. Ranma bolted through the door, jumping into the bath with the collar in hand.

The now male Ranma popped up, looking frantically for the negative. Akane's hand reached past him, plucking it from the surface of the water. Ranma let out a sigh, relieved, and climbed out of the bath. "Let's get the hell out of here," he said. Akane nodded, stuffing the film down her shirt. "Definitely," she said. "I don't want to wait around for the Kunos to find us."

They peeked into the hallway. Seeing no one, the sprinted off in the direction they'd come. After a moment, however, Ranma realized that he didn't know which way to go, and it didn't look like Akane did, either. He looked down the nearest hallway. Nothing. "I don't know the way out," he muttered, slightly frightened. Akane spied a lever on the wall. "Maybe this opens a door," she said. Looking around, she gave it a yank.

To Ranma's horror, something resembling a giant pair of pliers snapped up from the floor, trapping Akane inside. Ranma ran to her. "Akane!" he screamed, grabbing her and pulling with all of his might. Unfortunately, in his panic, it didn't occur to her that this trap may be similar to the collar they were chasing after. An electric shock like what he'd experienced in the pond coursed through him, arcing out in all directions. He let go as fast as he could, and the electricity sent him flying from the contraption, causing him to land flat on his back several yards away.

He looked up to see Akane still trapped, standing motionless. He approached her slowly. "Akane?" he whispered. She didn't respond. "Akane?" He began frantically searching for a way to open the trap. There was a keyhole near the hinge, but he certainly didn't have the key. Just then, a cackle caught his attention. Looking up, he was met with the sight of Kodachi, standing with a tray of food.

"Kodachi!" he yelled. "Get her out of there! She's hurt!"

"I have the key that opens that trap," she said. She feigned incompetence. "But silly me, I dropped it in this food!"

She'd barely finished her sentence before Ranma grabbed the tray from her hands, grabbing the food on it and tearing it open, using either his hands or teeth. Bits of cakes and muffins flew everywhere as he tore the items apart. He heard a moan, and turned to see Akane opening her eyes. "Akane!" he cried. She regained her composure, and he tossed her a bun. "The key to open that thing is in this food somewhere!" he said. Akane bit the bun in half, and tossed it down, finding nothing. Ranma continued his search, now tossing items to Akane, who also tore into them.

After several excruciating minutes, and after going through most of the food on the tray, Ranma bit into something and felt a hard object between his teeth. Tearing the food open, he found a small key inside. Rushing to the trap, he jammed the key in and gave it a turn. To his relief, the two metal sides released, and Akane dropped to the ground. Ranma wrapped her in a tight hug.

After a moment, he stood and turned to face Kodachi. "This time, you went to far!" he shouted. "I _don't_ want to be with you! Akane is my fiancée, and..." Ranma suddenly felt his legs go weak, and he dropped to the ground. He rolled over to look at Akane, but saw that her eyes were starting to unfocus. "Ranma..." she whispered, before flopping face-first to the ground. It was the last thing he remembered.

* * *

In the darkness, Ranma felt something. It was _in_ him. Specifically, it was in his mouth. And it was slimy. And unfamiliar. Then, after a second, he realized that it was a _little_ familiar. It reminded him of something... the passionate kisses he had with Akane. But... it didn't feel right. It was somebody's tongue... but not Akane's...

Ranma's consciousness came back to him with a start. His eyes flew open to reveal Kodachi, laying on him with her eyes closed and her tongue between his lips as she seemed to be enjoying french-kissing him without him even kissing back. Horrified (and disgusted), he tried to push her away, but found that his body was paralyzed, much like she'd done to him the first time he met her. Trying to move something, he realized that his face still had some movement. Mustering all the strength he could gather, he bit down hard.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Kodachi let out a scream, almost as blood-curdling as her laugh, and clutched her bleeding mouth as she jumped to her feet. She looked down at Ranma angrily. "Wanma dahwing," she said through her hand. "If dat was su-hosed to be se-hy, you were pwaying too wuff!" Ranma struggled, and managed to roll onto his stomach. Feeling his arms releasing a bit, he started to crawl, inch by inch. He could barely move his arms, and his legs refused to work at all, but he was determined to get away. He could remember passing out, and he was desperate to find Akane, who he remembered had also been kdrugged. If Kodachi had _him_, her brother probably had Akane, and he had to get there before something... terrible... happened.

To his horror, he felt Kodachi pounce on his back. "Ooh, Ranma," she said, still lispy but talking a bit better, "I like a man who plays hard to get!" She rolled him onto his back, sliding a hand along his thigh and onto an area of his body that he did _not_ want her touching. "Kodachi..." he muttered, barely able to move his mouth enough to speak, "if anything happens to Akane..."

"Forget that harlot!" Kodachi cried. "You're all mine now, and _nobody _is going to interfere!"

Ranma struggled, and felt some movement start to return to his arms and legs. He put an arm up, trying to push Kodachi off, but she took a firm grip on his boxers. Taking a breath, Ranma mustered every ounce of strength that he had. "Kodachi," he said, "I'm making an exception to my rule!" Kodachi smiled at him. "What rule is that?" she asked sweetly.

"My rule about hitting girls!"

In one motion, Ranma thrust his arms inside of hers and threw them outward, knocking her grip loose. He kicked her with all of his might, sending her flying into the ceiling. She dropped back to the floor, motionless. Ranma dragged himself to his feet. Kodachi was out cold, but didn't look particularly badly hurt. He needed to find Akane and get out of there before the Black Rose could come after them.

He stumbled out into the hallway, still weak enough that staying upright proved difficult. "Akane?" he yelled as loud as he could. There was no answer, but he heard noise coming from down the hallway. Struggling to make his way to its source, he became increasingly aware that the sounds were love songs being played through a radio.

That was a bad sign.

Rounding a corner, he saw a door, slightly open, from which the music was emanating. He peeked through the opening, and saw Akane lying prone on a futon. Sitting next to her was Tatewaki Kuno. The upperclassman looked down at his captive. "Dearest Akane Tendo," he said. "When you come to, you shall see that it was I, Tatewaki Kuno, that rescued you from that scourge Saotome!" He leaned close to her. "Perhaps a kiss will wake you... my sleeping beauty..."

He went in for a kiss as Ranma grabbed the door, preparing to throw it open. He didn't have to, however, as a punch from Akane sent the upperclassman flying out the nearest window. She sat up. "Too stupid to figure out I was playing dead," she muttered. Ranma burst in, and they swept eachother up in an embrace. "Oh, Ranma," Akane whispered. "Thank Kami you got here before he got back!" She pulled back and looked at him with some concern.

"Are you okay? There's blood on your mouth."

Ranma wiped his face. "Oh, uh... It's not mine. Let's just say that Kodachi moved a little faster than her brother. I woke up with her tongue in my mouth, and... she nearly lost that part of her body."

Akane looked horrified. Ranma took her hand. "For the love of Kami," he said, "let's finally find a way out of here!" Akane pointed at the window. Ranma nodded. "Closest path to daylight it is," he said, and they made a mad dash. Jumping out, Ranma was relieved to see the garden where Mr. Turtle lived. That meant that the garden wall was all that stood between them and freedom. With a leap, they were over it, and they ran off into the twilight.

They didn't stop until they were most of the way home. Ranma pulled Akane close. "Please tell me you have the negative," he said. Akane felt her chest, reached into her shirt, and pulled the negative out. "Thank Kami," she replied. "If it was gone, it meant that Kuno was under my bra!" That statement gave Ranma a realization. He looked down at himself, clad only in his undershirt and boxers. "I left my clothes in the garden," he said. "What is Kodachi going to do with them. Ugh! What if Kuno thinks they're the pigtailed girl's? What is _he_ going to do with them?"

Akane nestled her head in his chest. "Don't worry too much about it. Maybe they'll fight over them so much they destroy them."

* * *

The following day, Akane and Kasumi stood in the kitchen, while Ranma sat on the counter opposite the stove. Next to it, Akane was carefully preparing cookie dough in a bowl. She looked at the cookbook that was open in front of her. "Okay," she said. "Brown sugar... check. Next, white sugar." She grabbed a box from the counter.

"Stop!" Ranma said forcefully. "Look at the box before you pour any in. Is it really sugar?"

Akane looked at the box. "Borax isn't sugar, is it?"

"No. It's poison. And now I'm _really _afraid to try your cooking."

Akane rolled her eyes. "Well, that's why we're doing this, isn't it?" she said. She looked around the counter, before Kasumi pointed to a white bag. Akane picked it up and read the front. "Sugar!" Kasumi smiled sweetly. "Sugar isn't always packaged the same way," she said, "so always read the label. Okay?"

"Okay."

"And don't assume that any white powder is sugar, either," Ranma said. "I don't want to eat a cookie with a cup of baby powder or uncut Bogota blow in it."

Akane responded by sticking her tongue out at him. She opened the egg carton. "Two eggs," she said. She cracked them on the edge of the bowl, pouring the contents in. She went back to the book, but Kasumi put a hand on her arm. "Check for pieces of eggshell," she said with a smile. Akane looked in the bowl, sheepishly retrieving several small pieces. Ranma made a face.

"I can't imagine eggshell makes for good cookies," he said.

Akane sighed. "How do you manage to keep from getting pieces of shell in stuff when you crack eggs?" she asked Kasumi.

"You can't," Kasumi replied. "You just have to pick the pieces out."

"See?" Ranma said. "Your cooking is perfectly normal. _When_ you pick the right ingredients."

Akane looked back to the book. "Vanilla extract," she muttered. She open a cupboard and reached in, grabbing a bottle. "Read the label," Ranma said. Akane did so, sheepishly releasing the bottle. "Sesame oil?" Ranma asked.

"Tabasco" came the reply.

"No frickin' wonder the stuff you cook comes out wrong!"

"Hey... I'm working on it, aren't I?"

"Yes, and I'm really looking forward to how your cookies taste when you get the ingredients right."

Akane retrieved a bottle, read it, and took it down. She carefully poured some into a teaspoon (measuring being the first thing that Kasumi had drilled into her head), and poured it into the bowl. She looked satisfied.

Twenty minutes later, Ranma held an oatmeal cookie in his hand. "Okay," he said. "I sat and watched you mix these. I know you did everything right. I can honestly say I'm looking forward to this." He took a bite...

...and it was delicious. He smiled at Akane. "I told you the problem was you going too fast," he said. She took a bite of one, smiling as she chewed. "Let's see Kodachi out-cook me now!" she said with a smirk.

* * *

_A/N: I based Akane's cooking off of several parts of the manga. In this chapter, she really did put sesame oil and salt in cookies. In the chapter where she accompanies Ranma and Genma on a training trip, she mixes up vinegar for white wine. Ergo, it would appear that the root of her cooking problems is a failure to actually read the labels on the packages._

_The Ukyo story arc is next! I think this will be my favorite to write since chapter one. I'll warn you, it may take a while. I want to make sure I do this one right, and there's a lot going into it. Stay tuned._


	12. Okonomiyaki Means I'm Screwed

_A/N: I'm too excited to give anything away, except: this is the chapter you all have been waiting for, and so have I. I think you'll find that you were waiting for it in more ways than one. Because of some differences I was forced to include, this goes a bit in its own direction, though I think you'll find that it maintains a common theme with the manga arc that I based it off of. This is the most I've enjoyed writing a chapter since the first three. I'd decided what would happen in those in my original concept; I'd decided a while ago what would happen in this chapter, and have just been waiting for this arc to get here chronologically. Enjoy it._

* * *

Ranma and Akane walked down the street, looking down each road they passed. They were searching for his father, who'd received a challenge letter... on okonomiyaki. Ranma had no idea what it meant, but he figured he'd better find out.

Peeking around a wall, Ranma spotted his father, out cold in a vacant lot. He tugged at Akane's sleeve and pointed. They slowly made their way to the old man. Ranma looked down at him. "Hey, old man," he said. No response. Ranma nudged him with his foot. Nothing. He knelt down, putting his face next to his father's ear. "Hey!" he shouted. The old man bolted upright, pushing him roughly to the ground.

"What happened, Mr. Saotome?" Akane asked.

Ranma stood. "What's this challenge about? You've got to know something."

Just then, a giant spatula came spinning his way, sticking handle-first in the ground. On the blade, a message was written in large letters: "RANMA! NEXT IT'S **YOUR** TURN TO PAY!" Ranma looked in the direction that the object had come from, spying someone standing atop a wall, their face covered. "Hey!" Ranma shouted. What's this about?" The intruder simply stared. "I'll see you soon," they said, jumping away.

Ranma looked down at his old man. "You've dragged me into something," he said. "What the hell did you do?" He was more annoyed than anything else. After all, the old man had a habit of dragging him into his own screw-ups. Genma stood. He looked at Ranma for a moment, before turning and walking toward home without a word. Ranma jumped and landed in front of him. "You ain't getting off that easy," Ranma said. "You're hiding something, and it involves me. Out with it. I want to know what it is I'm going to have to deal with."

Genma looked at his son. "Fine," he said. "Come closer." Ranma leaned in close, expecting a whisper. Instead, the old man let out a yell that rivaled the "Godzirra" guy, causing Ranma to recoil in pain. Genma looked away. "I can't tell you," he said. "You're too easily frightened." Now seething, Ranma sent his father flying with a kick. "Idiot," he muttered.

* * *

The next day, Ranma and Akane sat in class. Genma had kept tight-lipped the previous night, leaving Ranma to keep an eye constantly over his shoulder, expecting an attack at any moment. One of the most annoying things his father did was to create trouble and drag him into it.

Someone walked to the front of the room, set up a griddle, and poured batter onto it. Ranma was sure that this person had something to do with the previous day's events.

"I'd like to introduce a new student," their teacher said. "This is Ukyo Kuonji." Ranma gasped; Akane noticed. "Ranma, what is it?" she asked. "Is that the guy from last night?" Ranma nodded. "Well, probably," he said, "but even if it's not, I know that guy. I recognize his name. He was my best friend when we were little kids."

Ukyo started tossing okonomiyaki from her griddle to students in the class. The last one landed on Ranma's desk, where Ukyo fixed his gaze. "Ranma Saotome," he said. "It's been a long time."

Ranma grinned. "Uuchan!" he said. "Kami, it's been ten years! This is so awesome that you're here... how have you been?"

Ukyo scowled. "I've been horrible. And it's all your fault. You and your idiot father!"

Ranma was taken aback. "My fault? What... what happened? I don't remember anything bad happening when we were kids."

Ukyo's eyes narrowed further. "Think back to the day that you two left."

Ranma remembered it. Sitting on the back of the cart as it rolled. Ukyo was running behind them, shouting "Wait! You were supposed to take me with you!" Ranma remembered calling back, "Goodbye Uuchan! I'll miss you! I hope I'll see you again!" That didn't explain what was going on in the present, though. Their parting seemed normal. He looked at Ukyo. "Yeah, I remember it," he said. "But what was the bad thing that happened? I just remember us leaving."

"You don't remember leaving on top of my father's okonomiyaki cart?"

It dawned on him... he had indeed left on their okonomiyaki cart. That's what he was riding on the day they left, and he and his father had eaten from it for weeks, until the ingredients ran out. But that still didn't explain things. "Yeah," he said, "pop said your dad sold it to us." Then, a thought crossed his mind. It occurred to him just how sleazy his father was. "Oh, no!" he said, burying his head in his hands. "Was my dad stealing it? Kami, Uuchan, I had no idea!"

A voice spoke from the doorway. "I didn't steal anything," Genma said, conveniently appearing as soon as the trouble became apparent. "Ukyo's father gave me that cart, and that's the truth."

Ranma scowled at the old man. "Nobody gives away an okonomiyaki cart for free. Either you're outright lying, or you were supposed to pay him back and didn't. Like I asked you before, what did you do?"

Ukyo reddened in anger. "He was _supposed_ to take me with you!"

Now it was Ranma's turn to redden with anger. He jumped from his seat and ran to his old man. "You promised to take Ukyo training in exchange for that cart and you left him behind? What the hell is wrong with you? That was how their family made a living!" He turned around and looked at Ukyo. "Uuchan, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Really." He bowed deeply.

When he straightened, he saw that Ukyo had gotten even angrier. "That wasn't all your father promised," he growled. Ranma covered his face. "Oh geez," he said. "What else was there?" Ukyo just shook his head. "Really?" he replied. "You _really_ don't know?"

"No, really. What, is it something obvious? If there's some way pops can make it right, I'll force him to do it. You have my word on that."

Ukyo fixed him in an icy stare. He tossed some batter on the griddle. After a moment, he scooped it off and flung it into Ranma's face. Ranma grabbed the okonomiyaki and looked at it: a challenge letter. When he looked back up, Ukyo was storming out the door. Ranma looked angrily at his father.

"What else was there, old man?"

Genma turned his nose up, saying nothing.

"_What else was there? _He's not that angry over nothing!"

"I don't know what Ukyo is talking about," Genma said, strolling back out the door. Ranma looked back down at the okonomiyaki. "I guess I'll find out at the challenge," he said. "I hope it's something that I can fix without having to fight him. I used to beat him every time."

* * *

The okonomiyaki message had specified meeting at the athletic fields after school. As Ranma made his way there, he was surprised to see a large ring set up, much larger than any sumo ring. There were also a number of items sitting in the ring, apparently weapons that Ukyo planned to use. Clearly, he'd put an awful lot of effort into this, and that was a bad sign. When people plan out revenge with that much detail, they've wanted to get revenge for a _long_ time.

Ukyo stood in the center. Ranma came up from behind, jumping to the ring but standing outside the ropes. "Uuchan?" he said as quietly as he could and still be heard. Ukyo spun around, taking a swing at him with a giant spatula that he was holding. "We are here for a duel, so stop calling me that!"

Ranma dodged the strike, landing inside the ring. "Fine, fine. Ukyo... I don't want to fight you. Isn't there some way to fix this? Besides, you know it was my pop, not me. I'd never have done anything bad to you! We were best friends!"

"You dare call yourself a friend?"

"Come on! It was my dad, not me!"

"Shut up!"

Ukyo swung at him, with Ranma flipping backwards to dodge. He hadn't noticed it, but there was a black metal surface making up the outer edge of the ring. As he put a hand on it, Ranma quickly realized that it was hot... _very_ hot. Hot enough that his hand sizzled audibly as soon as it came in contact. "Gah!" he screamed, jumping to the ropes and blowing on his burning hand. "Geez, Ukyo! Why are you doing this?"

Ukyo scooped from a bucket a wad of what looked to be okonomiyaki batter, flinging it at Ranma. Most of it missed, flying out of the ring and into the crowd, but some hit his feet, and Ranma quickly found himself unable to move, glued to the surface of the ring. "My special batter!" Ukyo cried. "Deep dish glue! And this..." He grabbed a pile of something, flinging it at him. "Rubber yakisoba noodles!" The noodles wrapped around Ranma's arms. He struggled, but he couldn't move his arms enough to pull them free.

Ukyo grabbed a bag and opened it. "And enjoy," he said, "my tempura flakes... mixed with gunpowder!" He flung the powder in the bag at Ranma, who quickly found himself enveloped in a cloud. Not only did the cloud make it impossible to see, but the gunpowder touched off explosions in the air all around him. Ranma squeezed his eyes shut has the tiny explosions stung his face.

At this point, Ranma was fed up. He'd tried to be nice, but Ukyo just wouldn't tell him what was wrong! He pulled hard on the yakisoba noodles, flinging them back at Ukyo. He managed to wrap the boy in them, and with a yank, he threw Ukyo roughly to the mat, jumping on top and pinning him. "For the last time," Ranma said angrily, "what the hell is this about? Just tell me what happened!"

With a kick, Ukyo tossed him off, with Ranma landing painfully on his back on the hot cooking surface. Jumping to his feet, Ranma lunged at Ukyo, launching a kick with enough force that Ukyo was catapulted from the ring. Shrugging the yakisoba noddles from his arms, Ranma dashed after him.

Ukyo ran across the schoolyard, with Ranma chasing and gaining ground. "Oh, you're going to pull all that and run away?" Ranma screamed. "All I wanted to do was talk!" Ukyo sprang into a tree, but Ranma was faster, jumping onto the branch next to him. With a crack, the branch immediately gave way, and the pair found themselves plummeting toward a storage garage on the school grounds.

Ranma crashed through the roof and landed flat on his back with a thud, the pain intensified by the fact that his back was burned from Ukyo's damn ring. He lay still for a moment, realizing that he hadn't broken his back in the fall. Raising his head, he saw Ukyo sitting a few feet away, his back to him. Angry, and tired of the crap he'd just endured, Ranma decided another pin was the way to go. He lunged, grabbing Ukyo around the waist.

Except... he was a little high.

And... on Ukyo's chest, Ranma found two things he didn't expect to find.

Ranma froze, before Ukyo sent him flying with a slap. Ranma sat, looking at his friend, who he now realized... was a girl. His own situation made him instantly see what he thought was the source of Ukyo's anger.

"Kami, Ukyo," he said quietly. "Have you been following us? Did you get cursed at Jusenkyo? Not another person!"

"Cursed? What the hell are you talking about?"

"You didn't fall into a spring?"

"No, you jackass!"

Ranma was now thoroughly confused. "So, wait... You're a girl."

"Duh!"

"You've always been a girl?"

She looked at him in disbelief. "Of course I have! What kind of a question is that?"

"Ukyo, I... I never knew that. I always thought you were a boy. We were five or six when we played together. At that age, you can't really tell."

"Yeah, well, now you know, huh?"

Just then, the door opened. Akane and Genma burst in, followed by most of the crowd from the fight. Genma pushed Ranma to the ground. "Ranma," he said. "There's someone you have to meet. This is Ukyo. Your fiancée."

It took a moment for the last sentence to set in. As soon as it did, Ranma sent his father flying. "You engaged me to Ukyo?" he cried. "How the hell many girls _did_ you engage me to?"

"He took our cart and ran," Ukyo said from where she sat. "That day, my life as a woman came to an end. Everyone whispered... I was damaged goods... I'd never find a husband. I was humiliated." She stood, facing Ranma and his father. "From that day forward, I devoted my life to getting revenge on the both of you."

"No wonder she hates them!" a voice said behind them.

Genma pushed Ranma to the floor. "She has every right to hate. Go ahead, Ukyo. Take your anger out on him."

Ranma kicked his father away. "This is _your_ fault, you brainless pile of dog crap! I would never have hurt her like that! She was my friend!"

"Yet, that's exactly what you did," Genma said.

"How so?"

"Despite my agreement with Ukyo's father, Ranma was already promised to Akane. I didn't want to give up the okonomiyaki cart, so I had to let the boy choose."

"You chose Akane all the way back then?" a girl asked.

"I have no idea," Ranma said. "I was six! I don't even remember most of this!"

Genma spoke up. "I asked you to choose: Ukyo or okonomiyaki. You chose the latter. So I took the cart."

Ranma was instantly flattened by Ukyo. He looked up at her. "Ukyo!" he cried. "I was six! He probably asked me when I was hungry! I can't imagine I'd pick food over my friend! Please, I don't remember any of this!"

The girls in the crowd started to advance. "You two are disgusting!" one said. Akane faced them. "Come on, you guys!" she said. "He was six. He didn't know any better. It's his father's fault!" Ranma turned to face the crowd. "Can you guys take my father out and beat him until he's purple?" he asked. "I have to talk to Ukyo. Alone."

Somebody grabbed Genma and threw him through the door, and the crowd rushed out, kicking and stomping the old man. Akane started to follow. "You stay, sweetheart," Ranma said quietly, and she stopped.

Ranma knelt in front of Ukyo, bowing until his head touched the floor. He straightened, looking up at her. "Uuchan," he said. "I'm so, so sorry. I know that doesn't fix things, but... Ukyo, I missed you like crazy after we left. I'd never have wanted anything bad to happen to you! Now I find out that your life has been... horrible... and worse, because of something my father did. If I'd have ever known... Oh, Uuchan, I'm so sorry. You were my best friend. You didn't deserve this."

Ranma wasn't feigning sincerity. Ukyo was his best friend until they'd left. In fact, he only had a few friends after that, due to his constantly being on the move. Ranma used to constantly ask his dad, "when are we going to visit Uuchan?" When they'd settled in Nerima, Ranma had even thought about sending Ukyo a letter, but he had no idea where he would address it to, and his father swore that he didn't know.

Ranma stood, reaching over to take Akane's hand. "Ukyo... Akane," he said. "Pop had engaged me to her before I was even born. Now I find out he engaged me to you, too. I have no clue how many fiancées I might have floating around. Anyway, he brought me here to meet her several months ago, and, well... it sorta turned out good. By sheer luck."

Ukyo chuckled bitterly. "How great for you," she said. The hurt could be heard in her voice. Ranma winced; he hated hearing it. "Ukyo" he said. "Look... you could get your revenge. You could kill my father and I both. It's not going to make your life any better. Please... I want to fix what my dad did. I want to try to give you a decent life. I want us to be friends again, like when we were kids. Isn't there something I could do?"

Ukyo looked at him, tears forming in her eyes. "It's too late for that! Don't you get it?"

"Why is it?"

Ukyo looked at him like he had a sunflower growing out of his eye socket. "_Why?_ Are you serious? Why the hell do you think?"

"I know you've been angrier than anything since the day pop took your cart, but you don't have to keep living like that! The only thing people _here_ know from your past is what you tell them. Stay here in Nerima. You're not damaged goods to people here. You don't have to worry about that. Stay here, and let's be friends again. Akane and I can even help find you a guy."

Ukyo eyed him suspiciously.

"Please, Uuchan? Look, I can't take away all the years since pop took your cart, but I can at least do everything in my power to fix things now. Even if you take your anger out on me, it won't put your life back together. Is it really worth it to get your satisfaction by killing or beating me, and then go on living alone?"

Ukyo kept her suspicious glare. "I... don't know."

"C'mon Ukyo. Hey, how did you get here? Did your family move here or what? Do you even have a place to stay?"

Ukyo's look turned defiant. "For your information, I opened an okonomiyaki restaurant here in Nerima. Fortunately, my father was able to rebuild his business after your dad robbed us blind. He was able to send me off with some money."

Ranma brightened. "Well, that's great! You're settled in! C'mon, let's catch up. Akane and I can show you around. It gets a little crazy around here, but you'll like Nerima. I promise."

Ukyo softened a little. "It _would_ be nice to have friends after all these years."

Ranma motioned toward the door. "Then let's walk. You can show us your new restaurant. I'd love to see it." The three of them walked out of the garage; Ranma was thankful that his father and the crowd beating him were nowhere in sight.

The three of them walked by the aqueduct. The water made Ranma think of something. "It's kinda ironic," he said. "You couldn't have known it, but my dad leaving you was way better than what you'd have endured if he'd have taken you with us." Ukyo looked angry. "You think I couldn't take it?" she said, almost shouting. Ranma raised his hands in defense. "No, no!" he said quickly. "That's not what I meant! Something terrible happened about a year ago, to me and pops, while we were training. If you'd have been there..."

Ukyo now looked curious. "What happened?" she asked. Ranma sighed. "Remember me asking if you were cursed?" he asked. "There's this place in China. The Cursed Springs of Jusenkyo. It's a whole bunch of little springs, but each one is cursed. You fall in it, you get cursed."

"What's the curse?"

"Something drowned in each one. You fall in, and forever after that, touching cold water will transform you into whatever drowned there. Warm water changes you back. It gets to be a real pain."

Ukyo's eyes widened. "So... you're..."

Ranma nodded. "You're not the only one whose life has been nearly ruined thanks to my old man." They reached an opening in the fence separating the road from the aqueduct. Ranma stepped through the opening. "Watch," he said, hopping over the side. He hit the water and felt the transformation, surfacing as a girl. The now-female Ranma climbed out.

Ukyo stared, her eyes as big as dinner plates. "Ranma?" she said. "Is it... you?" Ranma nodded. "It's me," she replied. "I'll worry about changing back later." She spread her arms. "Look at the bright side," she said. "If he'd have brought you along, this could be you. And there's a lot worse things you could change into. At least I'm human. Those springs are cursed with all sorts of things. Pop fell in the spring of drowned _panda_. I kid you not."

It took a second for those words to register in Ukyo's mind. As soon as they did, she flopped to the ground, laughing so hard that she looked like she might pass out. For a full minute, she lay there, in hysterics, with tears running down her cheeks. Finally she recovered, sitting up and eventually standing. "Oh, my," she said. "Karma is a bitch, isn't it! That's _way_ worse than anything _I_ could have done to the old fool!"

Ranma was serious. She nodded. "Sure, it would have been better if pop didn't take your cart," she said. "But while he did, you missed out on something way worse by getting left behind. I'm sorry that your life has been so rough, but I'm actually glad that pop didn't take you... on account of this."

Ukyo nodded. "Wow, Ranma," she said. "We're both victims. Of your father."

They started walking again, and after only a moment, they reached the restaurant. "Uuchan's" it was called, with a large sign showing the name in both kana and romaji. Ranma looked up at it. "Wow," he said. "This looks really nice. How long have you been in Nerima?"

"About a month. I've been setting the place up for the past couple of weeks. I wasn't going to enroll in school until everything was in place."

"It's a _real_ good thing you didn't come with us. Pop's training wouldn't have done anything but slow you down. Look at how far you've come. This is really amazing!"

Akane stared up at the sign. "With the kind of money this restaurant is going to make, people will be bringing their sons in here to propose to you. You're going to be the most sought-after girl in Nerima."

Ranma chuckled. "Like Akane was before we got engaged."

Ukyo looked at the couple. "I do need your help with that, though. I swore off men. I've never been on a date or anything. You're going to have to show me the ropes."

"Well, ah," Ranma said, "we've only dated eachother, so I don't know how much we could tell you about going on a date. But we can introduce you to some of the guys."

"We'll double date," Akane chimed. "That'll take the pressure off!"

Ukyo let out a sigh. "I came here wanting to kill you," she said. "But it looks like things are all right even though I didn't. Come on in, I'll make us some okonomiyaki. I'm opening for the first time tomorrow after school."

* * *

Ranma, Akane, and Ukyo walked through the front gate on their way into Furinkan. The couple had walked to Uuchan's first, and the three of them had gone on from there. They were barely inside before Daisuke and Hiroshi dragged Ranma away from the girls. "Hey, what's the big idea?" Hiroshi said. Daisuke jumped on Ranma's back. "Yeah," he taunted, "whaddaya need _two_ fiancées for?" Ranma tossed the boy off. "My dad engaged me to more than one girl," Ranma said, "and Akane is both the first one I met and the one I _want_ to marry, so I am _not_ engaged to Ukyo. Got that?"

"Oh, so she's single?"

"Not to you." There is just no easy way to nicely tell somebody that they're not good enough for your friend.

Ranma caught up to Ukyo and Akane, who were about to enter the building. "Are you scouting guys?" Ukyo asked with a chuckle. Ranma shook his head. "Not those two," he said. "Aside from only being interested in one thing, neither one of them knows anything about martial arts. We need to find you somebody that either fights or cooks. I don't think you'd be fulfilled otherwise."

* * *

At lunchtime, Ranma and Akane sat under a tree while Ukyo set up her griddle. She'd offered lunch to Ranma and Akane, but just the act of unfolding the device had attracted the attention of a dozen hungry students. Ranma was tallying the money in his head: ¥350 per person times twenty people... they might end up in a friendly rivalry over whose business makes more money, the dojo or the restaurant.

"Hey, Akane," Ranma said. "I haven't thought of a single decent match for Uuchan. How about you?"

"One... maybe... Kuno's a martial artist. He's not the best match for any girl, though."

"Even if it weren't for his personality, I don't think you could get _him_ interested. He doesn't seem anywhere near ready to let go of either you or the 'pigtailed girl'."

"Well, he _did_ start going nuts over your girl side after chasing me for a couple of _years_..."

"That's true. It might not be bad, either... if he goes after Uuchan, you and I might be in the clear."

Akane smiled sweetly. "Well, since Ukyo's _your_ friend, I think _you_ should do the introductions."

Ranma sighed. "I'd planned on it."

He stood and walked over to Ukyo, who had the griddle running and had started cooking. "Is octopus fine, Ranchan?" she asked. He nodded. "Akane and I have an idea on a guy, and I'm going to bring him over. He's not real bright... actually, he might be borderline mentally retarded... anyway, he's a martial artist from a rich family. The one thing about him: he gets obsessed with girls real easy. He's been chasing Akane for a couple of years, and after seeing my girl side he's in love with her too. So, if he goes crazy when he sees you, great. If not, I'm not going to be able to change his mind. Okay?" Ukyo blinked. "Uh... I guess," she said with some uncertainty. Ranma turned to leave. "Oh, by the way," he said. "The other students think my girl side is my sister, Ranko, so make sure you call me that when I'm a girl." With that, he took off toward the building.

Slipping inside, Ranma found an empty hallway. Looking twice to make sure nobody was watching, he quickly turned on a water fountain and put a thumb over the nozzle, spraying himself and turning into his red-haired girl side. The now buxom Ranma set off for the gym, where Kuno was almost certainly working on his martial arts. Sure enough, she found the dim upperclassman doing some sort of kata. She walked conspicuously through the door and was immediately noticed, as Kuno sprinted to embrace her. "Pigtailed girl!" he cried.

She separated him from her with a punch to the top of his head. "Kuno-sempai," she said, mustering as much sweetness as she could. "I want you to meet my friend. She's a skilled martial artists and she's very pretty." Kuno jumped to his feet. "My pigtailed goddess," he said, "surely no one could surpass your beauty. But if you request it, I will do as you ask." With that, Ranma took off at a fast walk, with Kuno right behind her. They made their way outside, approaching Ukyo.

"Kuno, this is Ukyo," Ranma said. "Don't you think she's pretty?"

"Compared to the beauty of Akane Tendo and yourself, she is as plain as a statue."

Ukyo reddened in anger; Ranma mouthed 'sorry'. She turned to Kuno. "Thanks anyway," she said sarcastically, before giving him a boot that sent him flying to the far side of the school building. "Sorry, Uuchan," she said. "I was hoping he'd find you cute enough that he'd get all infatuated like he did with me and Akane." Ukyo tossed him an okonomiyaki from the griddle. "Well, thanks anyway," she replied. Ranma looked up at the clock: 11:55. She hurriedly took a bite. "Sorry to eat and run," she said, "but I have to go change back before the bell rings. See you inside!" She ran back toward the building.

* * *

That evening, Ranma and Akane sat at the far corner of the counter at Uuchan's. The place was packed; enough word had spread at school that a healthy crowd had started to gather by the time they'd walked there from Furinkan. Ukyo looked happy, at least. Running a restaurant must have been her dream— besides pounding Ranma and Genma, that is. As she worked, Ranma and Akane intermittently helped out, either cleaning empty tables or loading and unloading the dishwasher. Ukyo said she was going to hire someone to help; Ranma thought about applying, but he wasn't sure he had the time. If he was going to take over the dojo, after all, he needed to keep working on his martial arts.

In their off-time, Ranma and Akane were still discussing potential matches for Ukyo. He hadn't much liked the idea of her dating Kuno, but he'd given it a shot anyway. Now, however, they'd completely run out of ideas.

"Okay," Ranma said. "So we don't know any cooks at all. Martial artists. We need a martial artist that's at least respectably close to her ability."

"I can't think of any."

"Me neither. Gosunkugi can't fight, but he's all right with that goofy black magic stuff."

"But that's assuming he's going to act normal now. We haven't seen him around since the play."

"Yeah, you're right. Maybe we should go through the guys that always challenged you in the morning, before..." He stopped as he spotted someone walking past outside. A familiar boy in a black and yellow bandanna. The sight of this person gave Ranma an idea that was so crazy that it just might work. Akane turned to look at what had caught his eye. "Ryoga," she muttered. "What do you think?"

"Well, if he can keep his anger under control... I think it's worth a shot. I'm going to go catch him."

Ranma stood and hurried out of the restaurant, spying Ryoga just a few feet away with his back to him. "Ryoga!" he called out. The fanged martial artist nearly jumped out of his skin, spinning around to face Ranma. "Saotome!" he said, visibly nervous. "Easy, Ranma, I got lost! I didn't mean to come through here!"

Ranma walked up to him. "It's okay. I don't want to fight you any more. In fact, after thinking about it, I overreacted before. So, I'm sorry about the beating I gave you."

"You beat me over the head with a pipe!"

"Yeah, well... it was when Akane and I were really getting close, and you almost killed her being reckless. That tends to make guys kinda mad."

Ryoga looked at the ground. He didn't seem to have a good counterargument to that statement.

"But look... I figure, you more than paid for it. So, let's let bygones be bygones. We'll put everything from the past behind us. Including middle school. Deal?"

Ryoga looked up. "All right, Saotome. Deal."

"Great! Look, I have something I could use your help with."

"_My_ help? What?"

"I'm trying to find a guy for a friend of mine. She's been practicing martial arts since she was a kid, and I figure she needs another martial artist."

Ryoga blushed deeply. "A... a girl? I... I... I'm not so good with... girls."

"Hey, you just have to meet her. No pressure. Besides, Akane and I are going to be there. She owns this restaurant right here."

Ryoga turned to look inside, marveling at the crowd. "She owns all of this?"

"That's right."

"Well, ah, I guess I'll meet her."

"Killer. Let's go."

He opened the door, motioning for Ryoga to enter ahead of him. As soon as they were inside, Ranma led the lost boy to where Akane was sitting. Seeing her, Ryoga blushed again. "Akane," he said. "I'm sorry about your..." Akane waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it, Ryoga," she said. "I was planning to cut it, anyway." Ranma looked around the room; the crowd had died down enough that there were now tables open in several places. Ranma pointed to a table on the far wall. "Hey Akane," he said. "Why don't you take Ryoga over to that table. I'll tell Uuchan what's up." Akane nodded, taking Ryoga by the arm and guiding him, while Ranma motioned for Ukyo to come over.

She leaned over the counter. "What's up Ranchan?"

"I have somebody else for you to meet. He's another martial artist."

"Is he as obsessive as the last one?"

"Not about girls. He followed me for a while because he thought we had a score to settle, but we've put it behind us."

"Oh, okay. So, anything I should know about him?"

"Two things. First, he gets lost _really_ easy. Like, he can get lost walking to the bathroom. So, you'll need to keep an eye on him."

"I can deal with that. Anything else?"

"Yeah. He's cursed from Jusenkyo; that's part of what he was mad at me about. He was following us when we went there and got cursed, and he fell in too."

"What does he turn into?"

"A black pig, about so big." He held his hands apart for emphasis. "Would that be a deal breaker?"

Ukyo blinked. "Well, uh... I guess not. I mean, if he gets changed, I can carry him around. Actually, that might make things easier. He can't get lost if he's not doing any walking."

"Well, take a hint from me: fill a thermos with hot water and carry it around. It can be a real life saver. If I'm going anywhere besides school..."

"Gotcha."

"So he's here now, I figured we could all hang out after closing. How much longer are you going to be open?"

Ukyo looked at the clock; it was 19:30. "About a half hour."

"Awesome. I'll help you clean up the last bit and we can all talk."

Thirty minutes came and went, and Ranma found himself clearing the last few tables. Fortunately, few customers came in the last ten minutes, so the place was nearly empty. Ukyo put some okonomiyaki on plates; she took two while Ranma took the other two. Sitting at the table, Ranma gave a plate to Akane while Ukyo gave her other plate to Ryoga.

"Hi, sugar," she said. "I'm Ukyo. You liked seafood, right?"

Ryoga looked like a deer caught in headlights. "Uh, yeah... yeah... arigato, Ukyo. My... uh... my name's Ryoga."

Ukyo smiled sweetly. "Nice to meet you, Ryoga."

Ryoga broke off a piece of the plate, putting it into his mouth and chewing with a loud crunch. "It's delicious!"

Ukyo cocked an eyebrow while Ranma rolled his eyes.

"What have you been up to since the last time we saw you, Ryoga?" Akane asked.

"Oh, I've just kinda been wandering. I helped out a few people along the way. Never anything long term. I wasn't going to get a job someplace since I knew I'd get lost and never find my way back, y'know."

"So, Ryoga," Ukyo said. "You know Ranma from when you were kids?"

"Middle school. We had a battle, but I got lost on the way. By the time I got there, Ranma had left."

"Yeah, he told me you'd followed him for a while."

"That's right. I even followed him to..."

Sensing what had stopped Ryoga, Ranma spoke up. "It's okay, Ryoga. I told her you're cursed. She already knew what it was; she knows about mine."

"Don't be embarrassed, sugar," Ukyo said. "It's no big deal. I mean, I'm sure it is to you, but it doesn't bother _me_."

For once, Ryoga's shyness lifted enough for him to crack a fanged smile at her.

"So," Ukyo continued. "How did it happen? Did you get too close and fall?"

Ryoga's jaw tightened for a moment. "No, I was pushed. I was up on a cliff that overlooked the whole place, trying to spot Ranma. All of a sudden, this panda runs past and jumps off the cliff, nearly running into me in the process. I didn't even have time to react before a red-haired girl came right behind the panda and plowed right into me. I dropped straight down."

Ranma coughed on his okonomiyaki, while Ukyo and Akane sat wide-eyed. Ryoga appeared to be oblivious to their reaction, until a knock was heard on one of the front windows. They all turned to see Genma, in panda form. He held up a sign: "RANMA, I WILL BE AT DR. TOFU'S OFFICE LATE." He turned the sign around: "HE IS GOING ON A DATE WITH KASUMI." With that, he lumbered away.

Ryoga was in shock. "A panda?" he stammered. He slowly turned his gaze upon a sheepish Ranma, who was now hiding behind the okonomiyaki he was holding. "The red-haired girl... _you!_" Reddening with anger, he started to rise, while Ranma put his hands up defensively. "Ryoga, c'mon!" he said. "I didn't do it on purpose! It was an accident!" The fuming Ryoga wouldn't hear it. "Accident?" he cried. "When I cut Akane's hair on accident, you didn't just let it go!"

"What happened?" Ukyo whispered to Akane.

"It was a whole big thing," Akane replied. "I'll tell you later."

Ranma still had his hands raised defensively. "It's in the past!" he said frantically. "If I could undo it I would, but I can't! C'mon, I thought we'd put the past behind us!" Ukyo tugged on Ryoga's sleeve. "Ryoga," she said calmly. "Please, can we just go back to talking like before? For me?" Ryoga blushed a bit, sitting, but he shot Ranma a dirty look that seemed to say that the issue wasn't put to rest.

The rest of their time at the restaurant passed in uncomfortable silence, as Ranma tried to eat as quickly as he could. Akane suggested that they go for a walk afterward, which Ranma thought would be a good idea. They could pair off in couples, and with any luck, getting some separation from Ryoga would calm him down a bit.

Unfortunately, this turned out not to be the case. As they walked through the park, Ryoga and Ukyo ahead of Ranma and Akane, Ryoga continued to fume. Ukyo tried to make conversation, and Ryoga met everything she said with an answer that twisted into a statement about how Ranma had ruined his life. From where he was walking, Ranma could see that Ukyo was quickly becoming angry with the lost boy and his tirade.

Finally, things came to a head. Ukyo casually asked Ryoga if he was going to stay around Nerima and go to their school. "I dunno," Ryoga spat. "I'm a little afraid of how many times I could get cursed with Ranma that close."

Ukyo whirled to face him, red with anger. "Did you forget that we are on a date or something?"

Ryoga didn't reply, while Akane and Ranma took a couple of steps backward. This was getting ugly fast.

"Well?" Ukyo asked, her voice raised. "You don't show a girl a good time by doing nothing but insult her friend the entire time!"

"If you're smart, you won't call Ranma a friend."

"Excuse me?"

"The only thing Ranma's good for is destroying people's lives."

Ukyo, the redness in her face deepening, reached for her spatula. Ranma sprang forward. "Uuchan," he said, grabbing her shoulder. "Don't let him drag you into something that's between him and me. You've been through enough on account of me." Ukyo smiled. "Thanks, sugar," she said, "but this isn't about you. This is about him being a jackass on our date. Consider it me teaching him some manners."

Ranma took a few steps back, as Ukyo squared off with Ryoga. The latter turned his nose up. "I don't fight girls," he said condescendingly, which only seemed to make Ukyo angrier. She swung at Ryoga, who barely ducked in time to avoid a spatula blade to the head. He jumped back to avoid a second swing, pulling his umbrella. "Fine," he said. "If you won't back down, I guess I don't have a choice."

Ranma and Akane backed away further, watching intently. Ranma leaned over. "I think our matchmaking may be doing more harm than good," he said. Akane smirked. "Speak for yourself," she said. "This was _your_ idea." Ranma shook his head. "Don't remind me," he moaned, already rehearsing his apology to Ukyo in his head.

Ryoga charged at Ukyo, his umbrella outstretched. Ukyo dug her spatula into the ground, launching a two-foot kick that knocked Ryoga's umbrella sideways, while landing a hard strike on his face. Knocked backwards, Ryoga shook his head, seeming to regain his senses. He opened his umbrella, sending it spinning Ukyo's direction. She hit the ground, as did Ranma and Akane as the umbrella whizzed over their heads. "Watch what you're doing, jackass!" Ukyo yelled, swinging her spatula just as Ryoga went to catch the returning umbrella, hitting his arm and knocking him down as the umbrella landed a few feet away.

Ryoga pulled a few pieces of cloth from his bandana, sending them spinning Ukyo's way as he jumped for his umbrella, grabbing it and leaping back to avoid the line of tiny spatulas that Ukyo sent flying into the ground at his feet. Landing, he jumped at her, his umbrella again in front of him, while Ukyo jumped sideways and threw another bunch of spatulas, one of which lodged in the lost boy's umbrella.

Staring at his damaged weapon, Ryoga became enraged, charging Ukyo like a bull. Unfortunately for him, his anger got the best of him, giving Ukyo a big enough opening to land her spatula against his legs, throwing him face-first into the dirt. Flipping over, Ryoga jumped to his feet. He leapt at Ukyo while she also jumped into the air. Both swung at the same time; her spatula and his umbrella crashed together with a thundering boom. They jumped back off of eachother, landed, and swung again. Their weapons again collided, but Ranma watched in horror as they each got a piece of the other's head. Knocked cold in midair, Ryoga flopped to the ground, landing roughly on his back, while Ukyo landed face down and unconscious on top of him.

The silence was deafening.

Ranma and Akane rushed over to them. Ranma shook Ukyo's shoulder gently. "Uuchan?" he whispered. Ryoga started to stir, and Ranma jumped back, pulling Akane with him. Ryoga's movement seemed to rouse Ukyo, who opened her eyes and looked around. She and Ryoga locked eyes, staring, unmoving, reddening the entire time. After a few motionless seconds, Uyko darted off of him, and they both jumped apart, sitting a few feet from eachother, their eyes glues to the ground.

Ranma and Akane walked around in front of them. "Uh, you guys okay?" Ranma asked. Ukyo nodded silently, while Ryoga looked apologetically at her. "Ukyo?" he said, his voice almost a whisper. She looked up at him. "I'm sorry," he said.

She nodded. "Me too."

Ryoga stood, offering her a hand, which she accepted. Ranma sheepishly put a hand behind his head. "And I'm sorry that I was the center of everything," he said. Ryoga looked at him, still looking angry. Ranma put his hands up. "Look, Ryoga," he said. "If I ever figure out a way to get rid of this curse, you'll be the first to know, okay? I promise. That's the only thing I could do that would make up for it. All right?"

Ryoga nodded, though Ranma wasn't certain that he was wiling to let it go so easily. Ryoga then seemed to realize that Ukyo's hand was still in his from when he'd helped her up. A deep blush spread across his face. Ranma and Akane looked at eachother. "Maybe you two ought to walk back to the restaurant alone," Akane suggested. "It'll give you a chance to catch up on the conversation you didn't have earlier.

Ukyo nodded. "Come on, Ryoga," she said. "I'll show you the way. I live above the restaurant and there are some empty rooms up there. You can stay with me if you want, you know, so you're not camping outside or anything." Ryoga seemed too embarrassed to answer as Ukyo led him away.

Ranma just stood and watched. "I sincerely hope that, if they hit it off, that they don't go at it like that every time they have a fight. Geez."

"Is that the danger of pairing up martial artists?"

"_We_ don't do that."

"Yeah, but we don't really argue. Whenever there's a problem, we've been able to talk it through."

"Except the first night I was here. I took a table to the head, so... maybe it _is_ a martial artist thing."

Akane looked sheepish. "Sorry again about that."

Ranma shook his head. "Don't feel bad about that. I really did have it coming after what I said."

* * *

The next morning, Ranma and Akane stood outside Uuchan's in anticipation. They'd talked about the new couple, and they were both certain that nothing carnal had gone on. That was assuming that they'd gotten along well enough that Ryoga would be at the restaurant. They got their answer when Ukyo walked out of the building, leading Ryoga by the arm. They both looked a bit tired.

"Morning, Ukyo!" Akane said cheerfully. Ukyo silently raised a hand in a wave. "We were up half the night talking," she said. "So if I look ready to drop, that's why." Ranma had avoided Ryoga's gaze; feeling uncertain, he looked up. Ryoga turned as he looked at him. "Hey, Ryoga," Ranma said sheepishly. "You still ticked about the curse thing?"

"I'm not ever going to be happy about it, Ranma," Ryoga replied. "But Ukyo said that she'd made friends with you instead of holding a grudge, and told me I should do the same, so I'll try my best."

"Well that's good, I guess."

Ukyo spoke up. "He also told me the story about Akane's hair, and what happened afterward."

Ranma blushed, embarrassed. "Oh, yeah. I kinda lost it."

"Well, it's sweet when you think about it. She wasn't your girl yet, but you were defending her honor." Akane leaned against him. Ukyo continued. "I just hope you two will put all this bad blood behind you."

"I guess we'll be working on that," Ranma replied.

"So, Ryoga," Akane said. "Are you signing up to be a student at Furinkan?"

Ryoga nodded. "Ukyo's taking me to the office first thing to register. She's going to try to get me in all of her classes so that I don't get lost."

"Well, she's in most of ours," Ranma said, "so I guess we'll see a lot of eachother. The gym classes are split boy/girl, but I have gym at the same time as Akane and Uuchan, so you can come with me."

"Speaking of which," Akane chimed, "we'd better go or we're going to be late."

With a cheerful nod, Ukyo tugged Ryoga's arm, and the four of them headed off for Furinkan.

* * *

_A/N: There it is, folks, the Ukyo chapter. I'd been looking forward to this as much as the reviewers have been asking for it. I'd decided a while ago to bring Ryoga back around this time. Before you say it in the reviews, Ryoga does tend to hold grudges, so I'm sure he's not going to let the curse thing go. That will be one of the things that figures in as I write new chapters._

_So, what's up next? Happosai's looking at rings, Tsubasa Kurenai is stuffing herself into a mailbox at this very moment, Ryoga tries to get back home, Happosai plays with fire, and Akane eats the wrong noodles. I have a neat idea for that last one that I think you readers will enjoy. And then... can it be? Some idiot Hawaiian with a Jamaican accent shows up at Furinkan! Stay tuned, folks; this is sure to get interesting._

_P.S. Anon that keeps trolling the reviews of this story: Give it up already; I'm just going to keep deleting your posts. I'm pretty sure this is somebody that trolled another one of my pieces when they were signed-in and got put on my block list for it._


	13. Happosai, What a Pill

_A/N: Ah, it's time for the next chapter. I'd rushed a bit to get to the last one, because I was really looking forward to introducing Ukyo and bringing back Ryoga. (As I'd mentioned in a previous a/n, the idea to go off on Ryoga was in my original concept, but as I planned further, I thought it would improve things to bring him back, and pairing him with Ukyo seemed like the ideal way.) With that chapter finished, I was afraid the next one would end up sucking, since my enthusiasm was a bit drained. However, I really liked the next chapter in the manga, so I wanted to make sure it was good. Ergo, I waited a bit to get to it. In the meantime, you may have seen my goofball fic. Or not... it has zero reviews as of now, which can mean one of two things: 1) it sucks and nobody wants to say so, or 2) nobody read it. It's probably the former, but for the sake of my ego, I'll pretend to believe it's the latter._

_I have a few ideas for fanfics that I'm going to get to work on. A couple of them will be long, and a couple I only have the general concept, and haven't decided yet what will actually happen, so those ones are going to wait until Chill Pill reaches its conclusion. However, I have one in particular that I'm going to begin here soon; it's a four-shot, because I already know what's going to happen. I'll warn you ahead of time: I write in many different styles; I pride myself on covering multiple genres. That fic is going to be dark, darker than anything I've ever wrote and even darker than anything I've read here on FFNet. It's gruesome and deals with death. I'll be working concurrently on the next chapter of Chill Pill as I start it._

_That's a different fic, though. If you're unfamiliar with the manga, the next couple of chapters tell the story of a bracelet Happosai stole from the Amazons some years ago. Here we go..._

* * *

Ranma, in girl form and clad in shorts and a tank top, lay next to Akane, who was dressed in a two-piece swimsuit that was driving the redhead insane. She may have looked like a girl, but Ranma's heterosexual male brain was still inside. Next to them, Ryoga and Ukyo sat, also clothed. Thanks to Ryoga's particular curse, swimming was out for him, and despite his pushing, Ukyo wouldn't go without him. She'd set up her grill for a while, and after raking in a healthy sum, decided to relax in the sun. Ranma and Akane had been in and out of the water all day; Ranma refused to wear a girl's bathing suit for fear that she'd get changed back to a guy while wearing it.

They weren't alone, of course. The fathers were also with there, as was Nabiki, Kasumi, and Dr. Tofu. The whole group was crammed under two beach umbrellas, and, as it turned out, Genma in panda form made a handy beach towel. The trip had allowed Ranma and Akane the opportunity to watch Kasumi and Dr. Tofu with interest, marveling at how the doctor's craziness had died down to a mere Jerry Lewis level. Apparently, the time together had been enough for him to get a grip. A little bit. He _did _almost mix up pig-Ryoga with a football the day before.

"Bikini thief!" a female voice screamed from several yards away. Everyone rolled their eyes. "Gee, Akane," Ranma said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Who could they possibly be talking about? I have absolutely _no _idea what bikini thief could be here with us." Happosai ran into view, carrying a hefty bag on his back. Ranma chuckled. "Hey, old man!" she yelled. When he turned to look, Ranma pounced on Akane, giving her a kiss that could put most romance movies (and pornos) to shame. The old man stopped dead in his tracks, transfixed, and Ranma and Akane burst into hysterical laughter as the women chasing him immediately caught him and started beating him like a red-headed stepchild.

As they sat up, Akane glanced behind her. She poked Ranma, who turned to look, and noticed Soun sitting in utter shock. "Oh, sorry Mr. Tendo," Ranma said sheepishly. "We kinda figured that trick out a while ago. It works on Kuno, too."

Happosai stormed up to the group as the women walked away. "That was not very nice, Ranma," he said. His eyes turned mischievous. "Unless, of course, you plan to offer a sample!" He dove for the red-head, who slammed him into the sand. "Nice try," she said with an eyeroll.

He sat up, indignant. "At least they didn't break any of my valuables," he said, emptying a pile of toys onto the sand. Ranma looked at the pile, which looked to be the things from their bathhouse experience, intended for those five and under. "How can you be a hundred and act like a four year old?" she asked, earning her thump in the head with one of the toys. Akane noticed something else, though.

"What's this?" she asked, picking something from the pile. Ranma leaned close; it was a bracelet with three stones in it. "Looks expensive," Akane continued. "Did you steal this?" Happosai looked insulted. "I most certainly did not!" he exclaimed. "It's a memento from my first love!" The others leaned in for a look, with Tofu adjusting his glasses.

"Ranma? Akane?" he said quietly. They leaned close, as did everyone except Happosai. "I've seen pictures of bracelets like that," he whispered. "That's a Chinese Amazon heirloom!" Ranma spun around to look at the old man. "Amazon?" she cried. "So help me, old man, if you lead those freaky Amazons back here..." Akane tugged at her arm, and she turned back around. Tofu continued. "That bracelet is very dangerous," he said. "Those aren't stones in it; they're pills. Love potions. They make anyone who swallows one fall in love with the first person of the opposite sex that they see!"

Happosai jumped up above them. "You're not quiet enough!" he said with a chuckle. "I heard that! I was going to use this as a present to bring in some ladies... looks like it will work better for that than I thought!" Ranma instantly became frightened. She remembered how crazy Nerima was; she knew those pills were liable to end up flying, and she knew they'd gravitate toward she and Akane like fat people to Milwaukee. She rushed to Akane, getting between her and Happosai. She faced the old man. "Stay close to me," she said over her shoulder.

Happosai grinned. "Ranma," he said. "I wonder just how well these would work on you right now!" He pulled one from the ring, jumping for her. In a panic, she dove to the ground, tackling Akane under her as though shielding her from an explosion. Happosai tried to slide in under them, and Ranma made a mad swing at him. The strike connected, knocking the pill from the old man's hand...

...and straight into Ryoga's mouth.

Ryoga doubled over, coughing. Ranma sat up. "Ry... Ryoga?" she asked, frightened. Ukyo put her hands on his shoulders. "Ryoga honey?" she whispered. He looked up. "I'm okay I..." He suddenly stopped, becoming transfixed. The others turned to see where he was looking.

Nabiki.

The new object of his affection stood and started to back away. "Don't even think about..." she managed to say, before Ryoga rushed to her, squeezing her tight. "Nabiki," he said. "I've been to your house so many times, but I never noticed your beauty! How could I have been so blind?"

Nabiki was turning purple from the strength of his embrace. "Let... go... of... me... you... freak!" she gasped. Ryoga continued his ramble. "You're so smart," he gushed. "You're a genius in business! Everyone should be bowing before your prowess!"

Soun beamed. "All three of daughters will marry martial artists now!" he said, his eyes brimming. Kasumi and Ukyo reddened, the former out of embarrassment and the latter out of anger. "Hey!" Ukyo screamed, running to Ryoga and trying to pry his arms from Nabiki, but she didn't have the strength. Ranma and Akane approached him. "Ryoga?" Akane said. Ranma punched him in the face. "Snap out of it!" she yelled in his ear. Ryoga turned to the redhead, venom in his voice. "You won't come between us!" he yelled, giving her a rough shove. Then, a puzzled look crossed his face. "Wait..." he said quietly. "Who's us?" He turned slowly to face Nabiki, letting go of her as soon as he realized who he was squeezing.

The middle Tendo dropped to the ground, wheezing. "Nutcase," she said between coughs. Ryoga shook his head, blushing furiously. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I... I don't know what came over me." Akane knelt next to Nabiki, while Ukyo and Ranma looked at Ryoga closely. "How did you snap out of it like that?" Ranma asked. Dr. Tofu approached them. "I can explain that, Ranma," he said. "The three pills have different durations. That was the shortest one; it only lasts a minute. Another one lasts a day, and the third... a lifetime."

Ranma whirled around. "Lifetime?" she asked, legitimately frightened. She was still paranoid that a pill would end up flying her way. She turned to her fiancée. "Akane," she said. "You and I need to get away from here. Before we end up screwed up for good!" Akane nodded.

Ranma ran at her, who jumped to her feet. The two of them took off at a sprint. Turning to look behind them, Ranma was horrified to see exactly who she was running from: Happosai. He was running full sprint, the bracelet in one hand and a loosened pill in the other. She turned back. "Akane," she said between breaths, "do _not_ slow down. The old freak is right behind us."

Akane turned her head. "Where?" she asked. Ranma panicked. "Face forward!" she yelled, but as soon as she said it, she saw a pill out of the corner of her eye, hurtling through the air. She gave Akane a shove, sending the girl flying to the ground. She tried to dodge the pill herself, but before she could react, it bounced off of her temple, and, to her horror, straight into Akane's mouth. Akane coughed once, a look of panic filling her eyes.

Ranma dove on top of her, squeezing Akane's face against her own chest. "Close your eyes," she whispered. "Whatever you do, don't look around." Happosai jumped for them, a gleam of lust in his eyes; Ranma sent him flying with a kick.

She stood slowly, helping Akane up, relieved to see that Akane's eyes were squeezed shut. Clasping a hand over her fiancée's eyes, she led her back toward their hotel. "It'll be okay," she said. "Dr. Tofu is with us. If anybody knows a cure, it's him."

* * *

A few minutes later, the group was back at their hotel room, with Akane in a blindfold and Ranma, now male, guarding her like a wild animal guarding its young. He held her close, stroking her hair. "Listen," he said. "Just look at me. We're already going to get married, right? You already... love me... right?"

Akane shook her head. "Of course I do" she said. "But... I want my feelings for you to be real. Not something coming from some crazy potion. Even if it wouldn't change _what_ I feel, I don't want to feel things that way." Ranma gave her an affectionate squeeze.

Ukyo knelt beside them. "Dr. Tofu called somebody at Tōkyō University," she said quietly. "Once they call him back, we'll know if there's an antidote, or if you even need one." She took Akane's hand. "Don't be too scared, Akane," she said. "That could be the day pill. Even if you accidentally get a glance at some strange guy, it might not matter. Dr. Tofu doesn't know which is which, he just knew that those bracelets have one of each."

"If that's the case," Akane replied, "I'd just look at Ranma and we can have a laugh later at how weird I got. But not if there's a chance it's the lifetime one."

Ukyo motioned for Ranma to lean close. He gave Akane another squeeze. "Keep your eyes closed under there, just in case," he said. "I'll be right back." He let go and slid close to Ukyo, who leaned in to whisper. "Dr. Tofu had another idea," she said. "If we can get the pill out of Akane, it might be fast enough that the potion hasn't got to her yet. He said the longer-lasting pills probably dissolve slower."

"How the hell would we do that?"

Ukyo made a gagging motion.

"Ah, I see."

"Problem is, Tofu doesn't have any medical supplies, and the drugstores are all closed because it's the weekend. We need a way to make her puke."

"We could have have her look at my father naked..."

Ukyo rolled her eyes. "I was thinking, maybe if we could get her to eat something really gross. You know her better than I do... think it will work?"

"Might be better if she didn't know what we were doing. The way she is... if she _doesn't _fight to keep it down, nothing'll happen."

"Good idea. Look, I'll take Ryoga and we'll do some shopping at the fish market down the street. Just the smell of that place is enough to send your lunch skyward."

"Handcuff him to you or something. Last thing we need is for him to get lost right now."

"I'll put some cold water on him and carry him in my bag."

"Smart."

"Thanks. I'll see you in a bit."

She rose and hurried away, while Ranma went back to his fiancée. "Ukyo's going to get us some food," he said. "She's out of ingredients." Akane nodded silently. Ranma held her close, sweating bullets.

Fortunately for his nerves, Ukyo returned quickly. She motioned for Ranma to come close; he leaned over and nearly gagged at what was in the bag she was holding. "Octopus innards," she whispered. Ranma nodded. Ukyo sat with the couple, scooping some of the goop into a cup. Ranma took it and put it in Akane's hand, handing her chopsticks at the same time. Akane sniffed, the slightest look of disgust briefly flashing across her face. Ranma smirked. He knew Akane was too polite to say anything about it.

A few bites later, Akane was starting to turn a shade of green. She sat the cup down. She swallowed. Ranma and Ukyo watched expectantly, as did Ryoga, who was still a pig. Akane swallowed again, turning greener. "Ranma," she whispered, slamming her mouth shut as though speaking were enough to turn her stomach. "Bathroom!" Ranma pulled her to her feet and rushed her to the toilet (which thankfully wasn't a squat toilet... she was going to be uncomfortable enough without having to lay on the floor).

Ranma barely had time to show her to the bowl before the fireworks began. He held her hair back, while leaning as far away as he could. He had a strong stomach, but... well, this was certainly a test of his digestive resolve. This stuff smelled bad enough on the way down.

After what seemed like an eternity, or at least enough time for Akane to have wrenched her pancreas loose and coughed it up with everything else, she let out a heavy sigh and dropped to the floor. Now came the part that Ranma didn't particularly want to do: look through the mess to see if there were any pills in it. Grabbing a plunger that sat nearby, he started poking around in it, certain it was the grossest thing to ever exist in the history of Japan. He moved some goo, and...

...there it was.

The pill. It was unmistakable, a bright blue pill amongst the brownish-gray... whatever it's called. Regardless, the mission was accomplished. Before anything else could go awry, he dove and hit the flush lever, sending the horrible pill to the depths of the sewer.

Akane sniffled, and it occurred to Ranma that she wasn't even aware of what had just happened. He helped her up, hating that she'd had to go through that. She looked weary enough to fall over; tears ran from underneath her blindfold. He gently led her to the sink, filling a cup with water (carefully, to stay male) and pressing it into her hand. She took a drink and spat in the sink. Ranma put his hands on her shoulders.

"Akane? You feel okay?"

"Whatever I ate... I didn't want to say anything, but it smelled _really_ bad."

"Yeah, that was on purpose."

"What? Why?"

"Because that pill came up with everything else."

Akane spun around. "It did?"

"Yep. Dr. Tofu said that getting it out of you might work if we did it quick. Then again, we don't even know what pill you had."

"How do we know if it worked?"

"You'll have to risk taking the blindfold off. It's that or wait and see if there's an antidote to take... or stay like that forever."

She sighed. "No, I'll risk it. Dr. Tofu's probably right, and I really can't go around blind forever." She sighed again. "Here goes everything."

She took the blindfold off slowly, staring at Ranma as soon as her eyes were uncovered. He gulped. "Akane? You okay?"

She stared at him for a moment. "I feel something, but... I think it's just appreciating you saving me from that." She collapsed onto him. He held her. "I can't take the credit for it, though," he said. "Uuchan had the idea." Akane squeezed him tightly. "I'll thank her later," she whispered.

They stepped out of the bathroom. Ranma's relief must have been visible, as the others, watching like an audience in a theater, immediately reacted in celebration. Akane gave Ukyo a hug. "Ranma said it was your idea," she said. "Thank you." She looked down at the still-swine Ryoga. "And thank you, too, Ryoga," she said. "I'm sure you had a little to do with it." Ryoga looked accomplished.

Dr. Tofu entered the room. "I just got off the phone," he said. He looked at Akane. "She got the pill up?" Ranma and Akane nodded; Tofu wiped his brow. "Thank goodness. Well, I got some information that's still relevant. You can tell the duration from the color. The darkest is the lifetime; the lightest is the instant pill. Does anybody know where the bracelet is?"

Ukyo grinned, holding up the bracelet. "How'd you get that?" Ranma asked in astonishment. Ukyo pointed out the open door to the balcony, which provided a lovely view of a hogtied Happosai hanging upside-down from a tree. Children gathered around, using him as a piñata. She held up the bracelet, and everyone gasped as they saw the last remaining pill— right in the center. "That was the lifetime pill you swallowed," Ranma mumbled, before flopping to the floor.

* * *

An hour later, Ranma stood on the balcony, Akane in his arms. He'd only been out for a minute earlier; the magnitude of the situation had hit him like a ton of bricks. "Do you have any idea how close I came to losing you?" he whispered. She buried her face in his chest. He kissed the top of her head.

Then, he remembered something. "What do we do with the day pill?" he asked. Akane's head shot up. "Get rid of it!" she said. "That thing's dangerous!"

"Well... it _is_ only the day pill, right?"

She looked at him quizzically. "What are you planning?"

"Well, seems like a great prank tool, doesn't it?"

"That's not funny, Ranma."

"Aw, come on... you know I wouldn't suggest anything with the _lifetime_ pill, but this one wears off."

"Okay then, answer my question. What are you planning?"

"I dunno. I'll think of something." He looked around the beach, and instantly saw the perfect target: Nabiki, directly under him, drinking from a cup of something. Apparently Akane saw where he was looking. She turned away. "I'm not a part of this," she said, heading back inside. Ranma pulled the bracelet from his pocket. With a giggle, he dropped the pill over the side of the balcony, watching it plop unnoticed into Nabiki's cup. She took a drink. Ranma giggled audibly.

"Maybe this'll loosen her up," he said. "Literally."

Akane reappeared. "Tell me you changed your mind," she said. Ranma shook his head. "Nope," he said. "She's already on her way to the love boat."

Akane looked around. "What guy is she going to look at? Who's nearby?"

Ranma spotted somebody. "Hey, isn't that Kuno?"

He found out that it was indeed, as the upperclassman spotted them. "Akane Tendo!" he screamed... loud enough for Nabiki to look his direction. From his spot on the balcony, Ranma could see her blush. She stood and started walking toward him, much to Ranma and Akane's horror.

"Ooh, I instantly regret that decision," he said.

* * *

_A/N: Yeah, I know, I'm a bastard. Consider this payback for what she'll do at the mushroom temple. And don't worry; I know exactly what's going to conspire between Kuno and Nabiki, and you'll find out in the next chapter. Speaking of the next chapter: the next story arc is Mousse's abduction of Akane. For obvious reasons, I have nothing to write for that one. Even if I brought the Amazons back, Mousse knows that Ranma wants Akane and not Shampoo. It seems like Ranma telling that to Mousse would have been the easy solution in the original story... the only reason I can give for why he didn't was that it would have meant admitting he liked Akane. I guess I'm glad to be much less pigheaded than Ranma. Anywho, the next two story arcs after that are short, and thanks to my Ryoga x Ukyo pairing, they kind of go together, so I'm putting them both in the next chapter. So, be prepared to meet Tsubasa Kurenai and See Ryoga's dog's puppies._


	14. Dog Plus Mailbox Equals Urine

_A/N: Here we go again. This chapter is going to cover two story arcs. I'm also going to add in some stuff of my own. I hope you enjoy!_

* * *

Ranma and Akane were walking home, after another day at Furinkan. Ranma had been careless cutting across the athletic fields, and a stray sprinkler jet had meant that she was a busty redhead. (The very dry Akane had been smart enough to watch where she was going.) Ranma was reading a challenge letter that had arrived at the dojo that morning. It was the most recent of several letters that had arrived over the last couple of weeks.

"Another challenge letter?" Akane asked.

Ranma nodded. "It's from someone named 'Tsubasa Kurenai'. I have no idea who that is. Sound familiar to you?"

"Nope. Maybe she's another angry fiancée."

"You know... that's exactly what I'm afraid of..."

Suddenly, an unfamiliar voice called out to them. "Ranma Saotome," the voice screamed, "prepare to die!" A mailbox flew down from the sky, landing in the street in front of them. After a moment, a voice from inside yelled "charge!" as the mailbox sped toward Ranma. She and Akane both jumped out of the way, with the mailbox slamming into the wall behind them.

"A mailbox?" Akane said, confused. Ranma shook her head. "Your guess is as good as mine," she said. The belligerent mail receptacle turned and launched itself at them again; as it neared, Ranma jumped and planted a foot on top of it, giving it a rough kick toward the ground. The mailbox slammed into a light pole, snapping it in two.

A fist punched through the side of the box, and the metal peeled, revealing a girl about their age. "A girl!" Akane said. Ranma put a hand to her head. "Please don't be another fiancée," she muttered. The girl stood. She took a menacing step toward them, and promptly fainted, landing flat on her back. Ranma leaned over for a closer look. "Recognize her?" Akane asked. Ranma shook her head. "No," she said, "but I'm a little bit worried that we already guessed why she's here."

Ukyo appeared, hopping down next to them. "What are you guys doing in the middle of the street?" she asked. Then, she noticed the girl sprawled on the asphalt. Her eyes widened. "Tsubasa Kurenai?" she asked, looking horrified. Ranma recognized the name. "Kurenai," she said. "She's been sending me challenge letters. Do _you_ who she is?" Akane peeked over Ranma's shoulder. "Is she a friend of yours?" she asked Ukyo.

The okonomiyaki chef didn't appear to be in a friendly mood, however. She quickly stuffed the girl in a garbage can and launched her skyward with a golf-swing of her spatula. She stood panting. "I never thought she'd follow me here!" she grumbled. Ranma looked in the direction that the can had flown. "Okay," she said. "You're going to have to explain where _I_ fit into all of this."

It was after they'd walked back to the restaurant that Ukyo started explaining. Ryoga, who was already there, joined in the discussion. "Tsubasa and I were in the same class at my last school," Ukyo explained.

"So how does she know who _I_ am?" Ranma asked.

"I was posing as a man at that school," Ukyo continued. "She was interested in me, but wouldn't take a hint. So finally, I told her I was engaged."

Ranma suddenly found herself flattened by a garbage can, which Tsubasa appeared from. "Oh, but I didn't give up!" she cried. "I sent love letter after love letter!" Ranma shoved her off roughly.

Ukyo shook her head. "Since she wouldn't leave me alone, I sent her a picture of Ranma. She thought I was a boy, so I needed a girl, so I sent a picture of redhead Ranma."

"You couldn't have used a picture out of a magazine?" Ranma said, rolling her eyes.

Tsubasa popped out of the trash can, squinting at Ranma. "Ugly!" she spat. Ranma reddened. "I'd rather be ugly than brainless," she said, starting to grow more than a little irritated at the newcomer. Akane jumped to her feet, reaching over and yanking a shocked Ukyo's shirt open. "See?" she said. "Ukyo is a girl. Get it?"

Tsubasa smirked. "Do you think I'm blind?" she said. "I knew all along! I'm only interested in girls! Ukyo will still be mine!" She turned to storm out. "Ugly!" she shouted back at Ranma. Now fed up, Ranma leapt, landing right in front of the retreating girl. "Stop!" she shouted holding a hand up. "I can end this really easy. Ukyo's not interested in girls. She sent you my picture because she thought _you_ thought she was a guy. She likes guys, and _I'm_ not her fiancée. Get it? _She doesn't like girls!_"

"Ranchan?" Ukyo said quietly. "Tsubasa is a boy."

Ranma must have looked confused, because Tsubasa opened the front of her dress, revealing a very flat chest. "See?" (he) said. Ranma stiffened. "You called me ugly before," she mumbled, "and you're a guy in drag? Are you kidding me?" Then, another thought hit her. "And did you miss that _I'm_ a girl? If Ukyo was a lesbian, she wouldn't have wanted you anyway!"

Tsubasa closed her dress. "I could easily make myself a convincing girl for her," she said indignantly. "I fooled _you_, didn't I?"

Ranma shook her head, deciding that she'd officially reached her bullshit limit at that point. "I've heard enough," she spat. "This ain't my problem. We're only friends. The guy in the yellow bandana... she's with him."

Ukyo and Ryoga blushed. "Well, Ran-chan," Ukyo muttered. "We hadn't really... I mean, we've never really talked about... y'know..." Ranma looked at Tsubasa. "Well, whatever," she said. "Any way you slice it, I ain't involved, so leave me the hell alone, alright? C'mon, Akane, let's go home and make use of the furo. I'll see you two at school." She rose, grabbing Akane's hand and heading out the door.

Ranma shook her head as they walked back toward their house. "I don't mean to dump things on Ukyo," Ranma said, "but I've dealt with enough drama. That girl... boy... is _her _problem."

"You know you called yourself a girl, right?"

"I am on the outside, at least right now. _You_ know what I meant!"

Akane chuckled. "I know, I know."

_(A/N: I nearly published this with a mistake that others might have made. If you've read the manga, did you catch that Ukyo knew Tsubasa was a guy the whole time? I almost missed that.)_

* * *

The next morning, Ranma came in from her spar with her father. And she was indeed a 'her', having taken another dip in the koi pond. Why _did _he insist on fighting right over it, anyway? She plopped down at the kotatsu, only noticing after she'd sat that Nabiki was sitting across from her. While Nabiki wasn't particularly cheerful in the morning, she looked downright enraged. Ranma, however, felt mirthful— this was the first she'd seen of the middle Tendo since her romp with Kuno.

"So, Nabiki," she said, barely containing a grin. "How was your date with Kuno-sempai?"

"I know it was you, Saotome. I found the empty bracelet in your stuff. I was messed up all night and halfway through the next day!"

"Yeah, well... I thought you could use a little distraction."

"Is _that_ what you call it?"

"Hey, I think it was a great matchmaking job! Girls seem to think he's handsome... I'll never figure that one out... and he's rich and dumb, which would be _perfect_ for you!"

"Kuno is not remotely attractive, and that's not the point anyway."

"Aw, come on, how bad could it have been? So you acted a little goofy around him. What's the worst that could've happened?"

Nabiki's eyes narrowed. "Damn it, Ranma, I slept with him!"

Ranma sat silently for a moment, as that thought sunk in. As soon as it did, she dropped to the floor, no longer able to contain her laughter. "Oh, that's priceless!" she gasped between laughs, holding her sides. "You made it with Kuno! Ha! I wouldn't have thought he'd bring it out for anybody besides Akane and his 'pig-tailed goddess'!" She gasped for breath. "Oh, you made my day! Forget day... you made my month!" Just then, a thought crossed her mind. The laughing stopped, and she hurriedly sat up. "Oh geez," she said quietly. "That wasn't your first time, was it? Kami, I'm sorry, Nabiki! I didn't think you'd..."

Nabiki held a hand up. "It wasn't my first, but there haven't been many, so that's little comfort. You know, in some circles, causing a girl to have sex without her consent is rape. I never did anything that bad to you! I could've knocked you out and let Shampoo have you for a price!"

"You _could_ have! How the hell would I know the difference?"

Nabiki maintained her angry glare.

Ranma rolled her eyes. "All right, how much'll it cost me?"

Nabiki looked insulted. "You think money will console me after what happened?"

"Quit with the damn theatrics; at least I'm offering."

Nabiki dramatically put a hand to her forehead. "Oh, I suppose ten rolls' worth could ease the pain."

"One roll."

"Five."

"_One_ roll!"

"Fine, Saotome. Come to my room Monday after school." She stood and left. Ranma turned to the television. "It was still worth it," she said with a smirk.

* * *

Friday morning, the family sat at breakfast as the morning news ran on the television. The announcer was doing a public interest story. "This is Checkers Hibiki," he said, petting a black and white dog. "She's looking for her master. She'd like him or her to come home and see the puppies she's just had." Everyone's attention turned to the TV. "Did he say 'Hibiki'?" Kasumi asked.

Akane looked at Ranma. "We should probably call Ukyo, huh?" she suggested. Ranma scratched his head. "Well, we're about to head to school," he replied. "We can tell them about it when we see them."

A few minutes later, they'd caught up with Ryoga and Ukyo, who were en route to Furinkan. Ranma and Akane took notice of Ukyo holding Ryoga's arm. Ranma pointed. "Things are heating up, huh?" he asked, his voice dripping with comic sweetness. Ryoga blushed while Ukyo rolled her eyes. "It's a system we worked out," she said. "It looks like _I'm_ holding _his_ arm, but really, I'm leading him. It's so he doesn't get lost."

"Pretty smart," Akane said.

"And you realize everyone at school's going to think you're dating, right?" Ranma said with a chuckle.

Ukyo glared at him.

"We saw something on the TV this morning that might interest you two," Akane said.

"Checkers?" Ryoga asked. "Yeah, we saw it, too. She's my dog, all right. I haven't seen her in years."

"We'll need your help," Ukyo chimed. "Ranma's the only person that might know where his house is."

Ranma nodded. "I figured that would be the case. I remember it. Actually, it would be pretty cool to see my old neighborhood. Me and pop lived there until we left for China a year ago. I haven't seen it since."

"Is it far from here?" Akane asked.

"Outside of Nagoya," Ranma replied. "It's a few hours by train. We'd better go tomorrow."

"That won't be cheap," Ryoga said. "Maybe I ought to find my way there myself."

Ukyo tugged on his arm. "You'd never get there. Besides, I make enough in one night to buy us all tickets there. Don't worry about it." She brightened. "We'll make a trip of it!"

Ranma chuckled. "You don't know where my old house is, Uuchan? You weren't following us back then, huh?"

"Nah, I paid somebody to find your dad, so I found you right after I started looking."

Ranma became wistful. "Ah, I can remember all the places we rented. I don't know where my parents lived when I was born; I _remember_ it, but I don't remember the address, and pop won't tell me. I wonder if my mom's still there. Me and pops camped a lot, but we rented a few houses when we settled down for a year or two in between trips. I think I lived by Ryoga for two years. Same with Uuchan. It's going to be nice to see the old house again."

* * *

It was noon on Saturday that they arrived in Nagoya. Ranma started leading the others, though he found his memory to be a bit sketchier than he thought it was. After stopping twice to buy maps, he recognized a familiar ward and machi name, and after a short hike, they were standing in front of the Hibiki household. Ranma eyed the shaggy grass and mailbox on the verge of exploding. "Lemme guess," he said. "Your whole family gets lost."

"I'm the only child," Ryoga replied. "But yeah, I get my sense of direction from my parents."

"What were the odds of them meeting in the first place?" Ukyo wondered aloud.

"Or getting their bearings enough to figure out sex," Ranma muttered. Ryoga shot him a dirty look.

Just then, they heard an excited bark. A familiar-looking dog bounded from the back yard of the house, leaping at Ryoga and nearly knocking him down. Ryoga hugged the animal tight. "Somebody's happy to see you," Ukyo said with a smile. Ryoga took Checkers inside while Ranma extracted the pile of mail from the mailbox. "I hope there isn't more waiting at the post office," he said, marveling at the sheer volume of it all. He and Akane followed the others inside.

The inside of the house wasn't terrible, but it was obvious that it had been empty for some time. Ryoga examined a lunch left for him on the table. "Mom left this," he said. "Looks like it's been here about ten days." He looked around, reading a note on the refrigerator. "Dad's in Hokkaido," he said. "He won't be back until Christmas." He set about making tea, while the others played with the puppies, whose eyes weren't open yet. The girls were especially giddy at the cuteness of them, though Ranma had to admit that he was enjoying them, too.

Ryoga took everyone on a tour of the house, with Checkers following the whole time. They were awestruck at his bedroom— souvenirs from all over the world adorned it. "Most of the time," Ryoga explained, "I'll drop off what I've bought when I stumble upon the place." Ranma squinted at something with English writing on it. "Kami, Ryoga," he said, "how far have you gone? Doesn't it clue you in that you're lost if you're crossing the _ocean_?" Ryoga looked sheepish. "I never know when I've switched continents," he said. "I think I wander into planes and boats without realizing it."

Ranma looked out the window, pulling Akane over and pointing to an empty lot in back. "That's the lot he got lost trying to find," he said. Ryoga's dirty look returned.

After some tea, Ranma and Akane left the house. Ranma wanted to see the last house he'd lived in. It wasn't far away; just a block over. Arriving, he leaned on the wall by the gate, surveying the place. It was exactly as he remembered it, though the grass was long and a "for rent" sign sat in the front yard. "Must not have found a new tenant," he mused.

He walked around the house, peering in the windows. Indeed, the inside of the house was bare. He delighted in telling Akane about it. "Pop slept in there," he said, looking into a window. "My room was upstairs. That window up there." He stood at the back door, looking across the back yard. "I was too old to play with toys when we lived here," he said, "but me and pop spent a lot of time training back here. It's weird to be back. Be thankful you'll spend the rest of your days where you've always lived. Your dad is a lot better at planning than mine is."

He felt a bit emotional. Akane must have sensed it, putting her arms around him and giving him a squeeze. "Seeing this place makes me think of two things," he said. "First, when we left here, there was no girl Ranma. I remember training in thunderstorms right here in this yard... as a guy. I don't know if this curse is a good thing or bad thing, but... being here reminds me even more how things used to be.

"And the other thing... it makes me want to see the other places I've lived. The early places... when I was young, that's what gives you really nice memories of a house. Me and Uuchan, we spent a bunch of time together. That house was the first place we settled at after dad took me. We must have been out camping for a solid two years in between, though. Then we left... bounced around so many campgrounds that I just have a few random memories of places I'd never hope to find. But there were other a couple of other houses and other friends. No one I knew as well as Uuchan, but I want to find them anyway.

"And the biggest part of that— I want to find my mom and our old house. Where we were living when I came home from the hospital. She probably _is_ in the same old house, waiting for us to come back. That's the one thing that pop's let slip before... that she's expecting us to return. I mean... I have a fiancée, I know where I'm going to graduate high school from, and I know where I'll be and what I'll be doing for the rest of my life. It's time to find her."

Akane gave him another squeeze, as the memories filled his brain.

When they arrived back at Ryoga's house, Ukyo looked a bit worried. "What's wrong?" Akane asked. Ukyo leaned close to them. "I'm a little worried," she whispered. "I want Ryoga to stay with me like he has been, but I think he might want to live here now that he found the place. His dad called here earlier, and they talked awhile."

"That couldn't end well," Ranma said. "He's here now, but he'd just wander off as soon as he's left alone!"

"And he's enrolled at Furinkan already," Akane added.

Ryoga came into the room. "There's a spare bedroom that you two can use," he said to Ranma and Akane. He turned to Ukyo. "You can use my bed if you want, Ukyo," he continued. "I'll drag the futon out here into the living room." He sat down, picking up a puppy and petting it. "So, Ryoga," Ranma said nonchalantly, "now that you're here, are you staying here or coming back with us to Nerima?"

Ryoga looked uncertain. "I'm not sure," he said. "It _is_ an opportunity to stop mooching off of Ukyo..."

"You're not mooching!" Ukyo said, a bit too quickly.

"I think you ought to stay with Uuchan," Ranma said. "You need to live with somebody with a normal sense of direction, or you're going to get lost."

Ryoga seemed to be thinking. "I guess you're right," he said after a moment. "It takes me months to find this place."

"Besides," Akane said, "Ukyo knows where this house is now, so she can take you here any time you want to come out. And you won't have to switch schools!"

Ryoga simply nodded, looking a bit embarrassed but focusing on the puppy in his hands.

* * *

They took the train home late Sunday, and by Monday afternoon, Ranma found herself female and in Nabiki's room, feeling more uncomfortable that when Shampoo squeezed her male form. She watched Nabiki set up a backdrop for her to pose in front of. The middle Tendo produced a costume, holding it out to her. She looked at it: it consisted of a black one-piece, cut light a bathing suit, with fishnet stockings and a bunny tail. Something very Playboy-esque. She made a face.

"Ah, Nabiki," she said, "I don't think guys are really into these kinds of costumes."

"What do you suggest, man trapped in a woman's body?"

"Ah, I dunno... guys just like women wearing as little as possible, really."

Nabiki smirked. "Good thinking, Ranma. You have some girls' underwear, don't you? Go change into it."

Ranma's original purpose was to get out of wearing the ridiculous costume, but now, she realized that she'd shot herself in the foot. Unfortunately, she already knew that Nabiki wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. Hanging her head, she headed for her bedroom.

Akane was inside, working on some homework at her desk. She watched for a moment as Ranma changed into a bra, panties, and a robe. She spoke once Ranma turned around. "You didn't seriously agree to pose like that, did you?"

"I didn't mean to, but I said the wrong thing, and now I'm stuck."

Akane smirked. "Enjoy yourself."

Ranma shuddered, heading back to Nabiki's room.

* * *

After his photo shoot, Ranma hoped for a quiet few days, but the next day was anything but. He and Akane had barely stepped through the Furinkan gate at the end of the day before Kuno appeared, once again begging Akane for a date. The couple looked at him incredulously. "Ah, Kuno..." Akane said, holding up her hand, which Ranma was holding. The clueless upperclassman didn't seem to notice.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Just go play around with Nabiki already, would you?"

Kuno was taken aback. "I have no intention of settling for the sister of my dream girl!"

"That's not what _I_ heard..."

Kuno, now turning red and starting to foam at the mouth, pointed his bokken at Ranma's chest. "You slander me, Saotome," he said in a low tone.

"Well one of you's lying, because Nabiki said you cleared the bats out of her cave..."

"Really?" Akane said in shock.

Kuno withdrew his bokken. "I am saving myself for the girl that I marry," he said. "and any story to the contrary is a lie."

Ranma leaned over to Akane. "No guy's going to lie about that," he whispered. "I'm thinking I posed for pictures for nothing." He faced Kuno. "Well, if you change your mind, I'm sure Nabiki's rates are reasonable." With that, he planted a foot on Kuno's face and took off for the Tendo house, with Akane following close behind.

Once they got home, Ranma and Akane found Nabiki watching television in the washitsu. Ranma stood, looking down at her. "I just had an interesting talk with Kuno," he said flatly. Nabiki turned the television off and faced him.

"Oh?"

"He doesn't seem to remember you two humping."

"He must be forgetful."

"Bullshit."

The middle Tendo smirked. "I have to give you credit, Ranma," she said, rising. "You were absolutely right. He'd never touch anyone besides you two. He ran from me like I was diseased." She turned to leave. "Oh, and I can't fault your matchmaking skills,"she said over her shoulder. "He's _extremely_ attractive. If I could put up with his double digit IQ I'd have married him already. That body with all that money..." She wandered out of the room.

Ranma stood, looking straight ahead, very much surprised. "Akane," he muttered, "if somebody ever kills Nabiki in her sleep, go ahead and assume it was me."

* * *

_A/N: Did anybody else think that the crying lost puppy in the Ryoga arc was about the saddest thing ever drawn? I'm going to skip the next story arc; the Happo-fire-burst is... well... Ranma's personality has almost nothing to do with the events of this chapter. I'd end up simply translating it. Then is the story arc where Shampoo makes Ranma hug people every time he sneezes. I have an interesting angle on that one, so it'll be next. I think you'll all like that one._


	15. Today's Special, Puppet Mushrooms

_A/N: I must apologize for the very long delay in getting this updated. I just moved, and between the stress beforehand and getting settled after, I didn't have much time to work on it. (I really hated leaving my other fic, _Revenge_, at 75% for all this time; I look forward to getting its last chapter completed.)_

_On to the next chapter. One of my regular reviewers, Odinson83, asked me to make it extra-clear that I'm skipping a story arc, the Happo-Fire Burst. Though, if you've been following this from the beginning, you know that I've skipped some stuff already. As the story goes on, the amount that doesn't go into this is likely to increase. Some of the later chapters wind up not having much impact on the overall story, and they often don't include anything for me to alter in the spirit of _this_ story, relying instead on some external character coming in and shaking things up. I think there are some story arcs where Ranma doesn't even change forms at any point._

_Feldoran also asked if I was going to include any of the anime-only stuff, from the show, OVAs, or movies. I don't know yet. I plan to break from the manga before the last story arc and go through the series and OVAs, to get any extra stuff before I finish the series. I haven't done that yet, though, so I'm not sure how much I'll be using. Also, I plan to do one or more bonus chapters after the last one, where I put my altered Ranma into situations that occurred in the anime and/or manga but were skipped here because some per-requisite situation went differently. There will be multiple versions of Ranma's arrival, Akane thinking Ryoga is P-Chan, Ranma and Akane eating burgers after Kasumi visits Dr. Tofu, etc. That's liable to include some non-manga stuff. We'll see where it goes._

_So, this story arc encompasses two chapters, "Embraceable You" and "Hold Me Close". The original story had to do with the Amazons, but aside from really wanting to do this story, I realized that I could do a little bending and pull this off with different characters. That means that it's a story from the manga, but very heavily modified. I hope you enjoy where it goes._

_Thanks again for all the reviews so far. I think I neglect to thank all the reviewers, but I really do appreciate the feedback._

* * *

Ranma, Akane, Ukyo, and Ryoga walked out of Furinkan High at the end of the day. Winter was on its way for sure; while they'd yet to see any snow in Tōkyō, it was cold enough that winter coats were the apparel for the day. Ranma was holding a challenge letter he'd found in his locker, courtesy of Tatewaki Kuno. He shook his head. "_You_ don't want him," he said to Akane, "and _I_ beat him every time he tries. When is he going to quit?"

They found the upperclassman waiting on the front sidewalk, though he hardly looked to be in any condition to fight, leaning his full weight on a walking stick and wheezing. Either he was very sick, or he'd just been hit by a bus.

"Kuno's caught a cold?" a nearby student wondered.

"Can't be," another chimed. "He's too dumb to catch anything."

"Good one," Ranma muttered. He looked at Kuno. "Lemme guess... you tried some potion, or spell, or training trick, and instead of making you stronger, it made you sick. Right?" Kuno squinted at him through irritated eyes. "Saotome," he said. "Come closer so I can tell you why I've summoned you." With a shrug, Ranma leaned over. As soon as he was near, Kuno started coughing, obviously trying to cough on him on purpose. Disgusted, Ranma jumped back.

"Aw, nasty!" he yelled, wiping... something... from his face. "What the hell are you trying to do, Kuno?" The older boy sneezed. "You fool," he wheezed. "Don't you see? Surely you've heard the saying... the fastest way to get rid of a cold is to give it to someone else!"

Ranma stared, dumbfounded. "You're serious?" he stammered. "You're trying to attack me by... giving me a cold? Really?" He flattened Kuno with a kick. "Go lay down someplace. The cold medicine is getting to you."

The group of four continued walking, leaving the school grounds and heading in the direction of Uuchan's. Ranma's skin crawled as he imagined how many germs Kuno had just unleashed all over him. "If I get sick," he grumbled, "_I_ will challenge _him_! I swear to the Kami he'll get a colonic courtesy of that bokken he always carries!"

Ukyo nodded. "And if he got those germs on _you_," she said, "he probably spewed enough to get all the rest of us. Half of the school is going to get sick because of him." She snatched a falling leaf out of midair, tossing it aside. "You two coming to the restaurant?" she asked. Ranma looked at Akane, who shrugged. "Sure," he said. "We didn't get any homework that can't wait."

He looked up at the trees they were walking under. Half of the leaves had dropped off by now. American Halloween would be soon. Ranma had never even heard of it before coming to Nerima, but the kids at Furinkan seemed to think it was great. It _did_ involve free candy, so he'd be lying if he said he wasn't going to embrace it.

And he'd have bet a million yen that he knew a certain person that would be trick-or-treating in a panda 'costume'...

He looked back to the trees. He'd arrived in Furinkan at the perfect time... autumn was his favorite season, and falling leaves seemed to be the perfect backdrop for meeting the woman you're going to marry. He glanced at Akane for a moment. He could tell that he was going through a time in his life that he'd never forget.

They arrived at the restaurant, which Ukyo hastily unlocked. They went in and set their things at the far end of the counter, which was the usual spot for Ukyo's friends that never left. They'd barely sat down, however, when a bell rang from the back. "That would be the groceries here early," Ukyo said, rushing to the door. Akane looked around. "I guess we should take the chairs down, huh?" she asked. Ranma nodded. "Don't try to help," he said to Ryoga. "You might wander outside and we'd never find you again." Ryoga rolled his eyes but remained where he sat.

Just as Ranma and Akane finished putting the chairs under the tables, Ukyo arrived at the counter, setting down a large box. She opened it and started removing its contents, naming each as she found it. "Sugar..." she muttered. "Soy sauce... cabbage... what the?" The others leaned over to see what she was staring at, a plastic container containing mushrooms. "Kairaishi?" she said, looking at the label. "'Puppet?' What the hell are these? I'm sure I didn't order them..."

"Never heard of them," Ryoga said.

"Why would they call them that?" Akane wondered.

Ukyo shook her head. "No idea," she said, opening the box. "They weren't on the invoice, so I guess I got them for free." She poked at them. "I suppose I could make some kairaishi okonomiyaki and we'll see how it tastes."

Ranma scratched his head. "Hey, uh, Uuchan?" he said. "You sure you want to take the chance that they're poisonous?" Ukyo rolled her eyes as she fired up the burners under the cooktop. "A grocer wouldn't sell poison mushrooms, Ranma," she said.

Ranma poked at the mushrooms in the box. "You sure?"

Ukyo grabbed a bowl from behind her and started putting ingredients in. "Okay, who wants one?" she asked. Akane shook her head. "No thanks," she said. "That name is too weird. Gives me a bad feeling." Ukyo cracked an egg into the bowl. "Ranma?" she said. Ranma also shook his head. "Can't stand mushrooms," he said.

_(A/N: That's true, BTW. I despise them. They're slimy and taste like dirt.)_

Ukyo looked at him like he'd just beaten a kitten to death with a newborn baby. "You don't like mushrooms?" she asked in astonishment. He responded by shaking his head. She cracked another egg in the bowl. "How can anybody not like mushrooms?" she continued. "What about shittake mushrooms? They're in everything! I've never heard of anybody who didn't eat them."

Ranma cocked an eyebrow. "Ukyo, do you know what 'shit' means in English?" he asked. "Feces. It means feces. I think they were onto something when they coined that name." Ukyo waved a hand dismissively. Ryoga leaned forward. "I'll try some," he said. Ukyo smiled. "Guess it's just the two of us, then" she replied.

"Brown-noser," Ranma muttered, earning a punch from Ryoga.

Ukyo tossed some mushrooms into the bowl. "I got a deal on octopus," she continued. "How does that sound to you two?" Ranma brightened. "_Now_ you're talking!" he said.

After a few minutes of frying, Ukyo served up the food. Ranma picked a steaming piece off of his and popped it into his mouth, instantly gagging, as the food burned like an STD. Akane got a giggle out of his pain. Ryoga pulled a piece off of his, blowing on it. "Well, let's see how this tastes," he said. He chewed it and swallowed.

He thought for a moment. "Like most any mushroom, I guess," he said. "Thanks again for the food. You do a really good job." Ukyo blushed a bit while Ranma chuckled. "Trying to score points?" he asked in a low voice. Ryoga glared at him. "I'm giving an honest opinion," he said indignantly.

Ranma was enjoying embarrassing him a bit too much. "Oh, that was just your culinary opinion, nothing more?" he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Just a Hibiki restaurant review? You expect us to believe the food is the only thing you like around here?"

Ryoga started to ball his hands into fists, but Ranma was determined to drag out his pain as long as he could. "Why don't you quit being a chicken-shit for once?" he said. "Pretend for one second that your balls have dropped. Go give her a hug as thanks or _something_." Ryoga reddened while Ukyo scrunched her face. "Bah, I think Kuno gave me his cold," she said. She turned away, buried her face in her arm, and sneezed.

And instantly found Ryoga bear-hugging her from behind.

She stood, in total shock, before knocking Ryoga away with a punch to face. She whirled around to stare at him as he picked himself up from the floor. "Ryoga!" she said, wide-eyed. "What the _hell_ are you doing?" Ryoga's eyes were as wide as hers. "I have no idea!" he said, putting his hands up in front of him. "I swear! I didn't mean to do that!"

"Kami, Ryoga," Ranma muttered, equally surprised. "I was only kidding when I said that..."

Ukyo drew in a breath and sneezed again, putting her hands to her face. She was instantly enveloped by Ryoga, this time causing her arms to be pinned in front of her. He immediately let go, backing away. "I don't know why I'm doing that!" he said pleadingly. "I swear! I'd never grab you like that on purpose! I respect you as a person! I'm not a pervert!"

Ranma and Akane looked at eachother. "No, you're right, Ryoga," Akane said, confused. "You really _wouldn't_. This isn't like you at all." Ranma looked at him quizzically. "Do you have some kind of mucous fetish or something?" he asked. "You're doing that every time she..." Without any warning, he felt a tickle in his nose, and before he could stop himself, he was covering a sneeze.

And feeling Ryoga glomp on him.

Ryoga released him, now more shocked than ever. "What's _wrong_ with me?" he shouted, almost in tears. Ranma sat motionless, borderline catatonic. "Thank the Kami I wasn't a girl," he muttered, staring straight ahead. "If he ever grabs me when I'm a girl and pops a boner... I swear I'll never sleep again as long as I live..."

Akane looked pensive. "The sneezing," she said. "Ranma, didn't you tell Ryoga to hug Ukyo right before she sneezed the first time?" Ranma thought for a moment. "Ah... yeah, I think I did," he replied. Akane nodded. "Ryoga," she said, "you must be under a spell or something. It's like you're following commands without being able to stop yourself."

"What would cause such a thing?" Ryoga asked, frightened. Ranma had continued thinking, and right then, the answer came to him. "_Puppet!_" he cried, startling the others. "He's acting like a _puppet!_ The mushrooms! _Puppet_ mushrooms! _That's_ why they're called that!"

Ukyo looked down at the untouched okonomiyaki she'd made for herself. After a second, she shrieked, shoving it off of the counter and sending it crashing to the floor. Ranma looked down at the mess. "You know," he mused, "those might come in handy. I think I need some revenge..."

"Stop!" Akane said forcefully, grabbing him by the shirt. "You pranked Nabiki, she got you back, now quit! You'll never win trying to get revenge against her; she's got way too many connections!"

Ranma pouted. "You're no fun," he muttered.

Ryoga was frantic. "So how the hell do you make it stop?" he cried. Ranma scratched his head. "Dr. Tofu?" he suggested. "If anybody would know, it's him. One thing's for sure... we can't have you here all messed up with customers coming in."

Ukyo jumped. "Ack!" she said. "The noren! I need to open up shop! You guys take him to Dr. Tofu, or call Dr. Tofu, or something! Anything!" Ranma nodded, as Ukyo took in a breath. "Ah..._ choo!_" In a flash, Ryoga was clinging to her, his arms around her waist, as they both reddened in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Ukyo!" he cried. She put her hands on his shoulders, gently pushing him away. "It's... okay," she said quietly. "You don't mean to do that."

"I bet you've _imagined_ doing that about a million times, though," Ranma said with a smirk. Ukyo and Ryoga shot him a dirty look.

Akane grabbed the telephone behind the counter. She dialed a number and listened. "Hello, Dr. Tofu? Genma? _Stop answering the phone as a panda, you dolt!_ Could you get Dr. Tofu for me, please? I have a question for him... Dr. Tofu? It's Akane. We have a little problem we thought you might know about. You see, Ryoga ate these mushrooms, 'kairaishi' they're called... yes, exactly... yeah, it's making him hug anyone when they sneeze, it's kind of a problem... uh-huh... oh, good! Thanks Dr. Tofu!"

She hung up. "Dr. Tofu's heard of them," she said. "He says they'll wear off in about an hour." Ukyo sighed. "Okay, then," she said, "we just have to ride it out." She started to scrunch her face again. "Ah... ah..." Ryoga jumped for her, arm outstretched as if he planned to hold her nose shut, but she sneezed while he was in mid-leap, resulting in him tackling her to the floor.

They stared at eachother, red-faced. Ranma nonchalantly looked away, picking a piece off of his okonomiyaki. He'd mocked Ryoga enough on the subject; he decided to leave it alone. Ryoga climbed off slowly, standing and offering a hand to Ukyo. She dusted herself off, still red as a beet.

Akane glanced at the door. "People are starting to wander around out front," she mused. Ukyo, a bit dazed, looked. "Oh...yeah..." she said. "I have to open. Can you guys take Ryoga somewhere?" Ranma nodded. "It had better not be someplace with a lot of people," he said. "Let's just take him upstairs." He grabbed the lost boy by a sleeve and steered him to the stairs.

After a few seconds of looking, they figured out which room was Ryoga's. They sat on the floor, as Ranma noticed how bare it was. "Not much for furniture?" he asked. Ryoga scratched his head. "Well, it was just a spare room," he explained. "I haven't really brought anything back, y'know? Everything I need I carry around with me in case I get lost."

Ranma glanced around again. "Yeah, my room at the Tendo's was empty at first because we didn't own much," he said. "We fixed that by having Akane move in there with me. Maybe you and Uuchan should give it a try." Akane's eyes widened a bit while Ryoga turned ten shades of red. Ranma chuckled. "Just something for you to think about," he said nonchalantly. Akane just shook her head. "Stop talking, Ranma," she muttered.

Suddenly, Akane made a face. "Ah..." Ranma scrambled to his feet and leapt in between her and Ryoga.

"_Choo!_" Ranma landed hard on the floor. He looked up to see Ryoga, sitting as he had been and smiling. "It wore off already!" he said thankfully. Ranma let out a breath. "Thank the Kami," he muttered, laying his head back on the floor. "Must've been because you only had one bite." Akane stood, motioning for Ryoga to follow. "Might as well take you back downstairs," she said. Ryoga and Ranma stood, and the three of them headed back down to the restaurant.

Downstairs, they found Ukyo working in front of the afternoon crowd. She looked up as they approached. "It went away," Akane explained. Ukyo just nodded, flipping an okonomiyaki on the cooktop. The others sat at the end of the counter, while Ukyo flipped two okonomiyaki onto plates, rushing them out to the dining room. As she returned, Ranma grabbed her arm and stopped her.

"Enjoying the hugging?" he whispered. Ukyo smacked his hand. "Quit being a hentai!" she muttered, looking embarrassed. Ranma held up his hands defensively. "Hey, I didn't mean anything perverted," he continued. "I just thought maybe you and Ryoga were getting closer or something."

"We haven't talked about anything like that, okay? We're just friends and I help him so he doesn't get lost. That's _all_."

"So you're saying you have no desire to do anything else?"

Ukyo was silent.

"Maybe you guys should have a talk about the status of things. If you'll recall, I agreed to find you a fiancée to make up for what my pop did. It would make my life a whole lot easier if you'd stop this not-dating-but-too-close-to-date-anybody-else stuff. And on top of that, skilled martial artists aren't all that common around here, so who the hell _else_ am I going to fix you up with?"

Ukyo rolled her eyes. She went back behind the bar as Ranma sat, looking at the crowd in the room. With any luck, he'd managed to make up for his father's douchebaggery.

* * *

The next day, Ranma, in girl form, sat across from Kuno the local park. A cold breeze blew by. She smiled. "I hope this date is making you feel better after being sick, Kuno-sempai," she said sweetly. Kuno looked at her, just lustfully enough to be creepy. "My pigtailed goddess," he said, "any time spent with you makes me forget about all of my problems."

Ranma giggled, holding out a carryout container from Uuchan's. "I got us okonomiyaki," she said. "I got you a special one. It's supposed to help with cold symptoms!" Kuno looked deliriously happy, immediately plucking the food from the box. "I'd eat anything you gave me," he said, wolfing it down. Ranma took in a breath, preparing for something that would be disgusting but worth the horror. "Kuno-sempai?" she said sweetly.

"Yes, my darling?"

"Kiss me on the lips." She coughed loudly.

In a flash, Kuno was on her, and immediately punched with enough force to toss him several yards. She wiped her mouth, not enjoying the kiss in the slightest. She looked at the crowd around her. "It'll be worth it," she muttered, jumping to a position high in a tree.

Kuno jumped to his feet and looked around. "Where did you go, my..." Just then, a heavyset man passing by coughed in the cold air, and Kuno leaped.

"_Ah!_ Get off me you freak! What the hell is wrong with you?"

A woman nearby coughed, and found herself enveloped. "Hentai!" she cried. _Smack!_

Ranma giggled. "Payback is a bitch," she said with a laugh. "Totally worth it."


	16. Roid Rage

_A/N: Okay, new chapter. This one originally featured Shampoo, so I had to bend it a little. I've been working on a couple of new pieces; I'll mention them at the end. Working on a new piece can sometimes sap your excitement from the one you're already working on, but that's not the case here, because I'm very excited about the next chapter: Principal Kuno arrives! I think you all know what to expect from that one... he tried to trap Ranma by knocking Akane out and crucifying her on a cross made of tied-up brooms. Oh yeah, it's personal... Ranma's not going to play nice..._

_Also, if you've never read the manga, it starts to become apparent that Takahashi-san thought out the chronology of all of this. Ranma apparently arrived in the late summer; as the chapters have progressed, we've seen their outdoor outfits go from summer wear to sweaters, and now, winter clothes. The trees have looked bare-limbed for a couple of chapters; now, there's snow on the ground. This chapter tells us the time of year for certain, though: it's on New Years. Of course, the anime majorly bungled all of that... there's an episode where Akane gets POed that Ranma ruined a cake she baked to celebrate two years since he'd arrived... leaving many (myself included) to question why episodes were continuing to show Nabiki and Kuno at Furinkan H.S., when they should have graduated by then. It's good to know the scriptwriters read the manga... *eyeroll*_

_Anyway, enjoy Ranma's new year. This covers three chapters that wrap up volume eleven._

* * *

Ranma paused at the dojo door, waiting to open it to the outside. Having an open walkway to the house was lovely in the summer, but when it was in the thirties Fahrenheit, it wasn't so fun. Why couldn't their families be from Kagoshima? Wanting to avoid putting on a coat just to practice, he'd simply bolted from the house, and now, he had to do it in reverse. Taking a breath, he yanked the door open, slid through it, slammed it shut, and ran for the house, diving in the side door.

_(A/N: For my non-American readers, that's around 0 to 5 centigrade.)_

Shivering, he wandered toward the washitsu. Normally, having freezing cold hands and feet meant sneaking up on Akane and applying them to whatever exposed skin he could find, followed by laughter as she jumped out of her skin. Unfortunately, he found the room to be empty. Ranma's first thought was that she was in the furo... he frowned. He couldn't freeze her effectively if she was lying in hot water. Oh, well... opportunity wasted. Strolling back into the hallway, Kasumi's head popped out of the kitchen doorway. "Ranma?" she said. "Do you know where Akane went?"

"No idea."

Kasumi frowned. "Well, she left a little bit ago, but she's still not back. Do you think you could go look for her? It gets busy around here on New Year's Eve and I could really use her help."

Ranma nodded without a word and headed upstairs to change.

* * *

A half hour later, Ranma was wandering through Nerima's commercial district. He thought for sure that Akane would be down by the market, but he hadn't found her yet. While he liked walking fine, doing it in December, with the cold and the slushy mess that was the sidewalks, wasn't particularly enjoyable. He was about to give up and look someplace else, when a crowd caught his attention. He couldn't tell what they were watching, but there were a decent number of people there. Thinking Akane might be in it, he headed over, hopping on a lamppost for a better view.

To his surprise, Akane wasn't a spectator, but rather the main attraction. She stood, in her winter coat, tights, and a skirt that made his mouth water, her arm locked with a coin-op arm wrestling machine. Apparently, the crowd had come to marvel at her arm wrestling skill; cheers erupted as she slammed the mechanical arm down. Ranma shook his head. "If there's anything that would distract her enough that she'd forget time..." he muttered, hopping down to push through the crowd.

A man came out, wheeling an even larger machine. "Let's see if you can beat the heavyweight!" he said cheerfully, as Akane flexed her arm. Thumping her elbow down, she grabbed the machine's mechanical arm, squeezing its hand and pushing with all her might. Ranma stood, watching from the back of the crowd. A group of boys his age were gawking. "She is _so_ hot," one of them drawled. Ranma snickered. The boy looked at him. "What, don't you think so?" he asked. Ranma put his hands behind his head. "Well... yeah," he said. "She's my fiancée after all." The boy's mouth dropped open, while another looked skeptical. "Yeah, right," he said, rolling his eyes. Ranma smirked. "Keep an eye on her," he retorted, pushing his way toward the front of the crowd.

Akane meanwhile, was reddening from the exertion as she fought with the machine. Making his way to the front of the crowd, Ranma stopped to watch from there. She didn't seem to be making any headway at first; after a second, Ranma noticed that she was very nearly lifting the machine off the ground as she tried. After several minutes, she slumped, letting go of the machine. Disappointed "aw"s emanated from the crowd. The shop owner shook his head. "Don't feel bad, little girl," he said. "Ain't nobody ever beat that machine. It's the biggest one I have."

Ranma walked up to her as the crowd started to dissipate. Seeing him, she turned and gave him a weak hug. Ranma shook his head. "You couldn't resist, could you?" he asked. Akane shrugged. "Hey, I was walking along and saw the machine for fifty yen," she explained. "And then after I beat it, the shop owner wanted me to take on a bigger one, and then an even bigger one, and I kept winning." Ranma rolled his eyes. Akane flexed her arm. "You get to help me train later," she said. "I'm going to beat that machine if it's the last thing I do."

Ranma turned and started walking, with Akane alongside. "You know," he said, "you don't really need to worry about your strength training. There's more to martial arts than brute strength, and I think you're strong enough as it is." Noticing the teenage boys from earlier, reached over to give her butt a squeeze, earning a smack on the hand in response. The boys' jaws dropped.

"No, I'm _not_ strong enough already. If I were, I'd could've won back there."

"Geez, Akane... that thing could be so strong that no human could beat it. They could have a car jack or anything else powering it. You could snap the bones in your arm before you got it to move."

"Yeah, well... I'm going to try. I'm making it my New Years' resolution to beat that thing."

"Just stop before you end up looking like a body builder, okay? You've already got so much muscle that you could crack a walnut between your thighs..."

"I do not!"

"Like hell you don't! I've had my head in there, you know!"

She gave him a playful shove. He looked around at the snow on everything. He hated the cold, but it did have one advantage: no liquid water meant little chance of becoming a woman unexpectedly. He considered it nature's Christmas gift. Then again, if it meant living by a sunny beach all day, he could easily adjust to boobs and red hair.

Christmas gifts had been easy enough this year. Akane was vocal enough about what presents she wanted, and Ranma had made a point to remember. The old stereotype was that guys didn't listen, but it wasn't really that difficult, at least with buying gifts. A stuffed panda, a music box, and a blouse with a skirt to match, a gift that he'd recommended that the sisters take care of. After all, like most guys he wasn't particularly knowledgeable on what clothes looked good and what didn't. He'd also bought her a scarf, since he knew he couldn't mess that one up. She'd given him a shirt, some manga books and a scarf that she made herself. At least, he _thought_ it was supposed to be a scarf... her cooking had improved somewhat, but her sewing, not so much.

Kasumi had thrown a Christmas party as well, which seemed like great fun, until he found out Nabiki's newest money-making scheme: pay for time with Ranma's redhead sister. The boys from school were lined up around the block. The joke was on her, though— with Akane's help, he kept far enough away that she couldn't turn him into a girl, and as far as anyone knew, Ranma's sister was not in attendance.

When they arrived home, Akane tried to drag him to the dojo, while he tried to drag her to the house. "Kasumi said she needed your help," he said flatly. Akane jumped in front of him. "Okay," she said. "Arm wrestle me. You win, I help Kasumi. I win, we go to the dojo and train. Deal?" Ranma paused— he was apprehensive at the idea. He was right-handed and Akane was left-handed; either way they arm wrestled, it was strong arm to weak arm, and he wasn't so sure that he could beat her with his weak arm. She cocked an eyebrow. "What? Don't think you can win?" Ranma shook his head. "Maybe not," he said, "but have it your way."

Going to the washitsu, Akane immediately sat at the table and held her left arm in position. Ranma sighed and did the same, clasping her hand. Akane concentrated. "Okay," she said. "Go!" She tightened her grip and started pushing, while Ranma did the same. She was no pushover, that was for sure, but he knew right away that he had the match in the bag. He wasn't trying very hard, and already she wasn't gaining any ground on him. After a moment of it, he started putting more force into it, pushing her arm back progressively further until the back of her hand landed on the table.

Ranma stood. "Okay," he said, "go help Kasumi now. I can help you train after new years." Akane fumed. "Best two out of three!" she shouted, slamming her arm back to the table. Ranma motioned for her to stand. After a moment, she relented and stood up. "If you have aggression to get rid of," he said plainly, "I have a much better way to get rid of it upstairs." She stuck her tongue out at him. "I can't," she said mockingly. "I have to go help Kasumi, remember?" She left, while Ranma stood alone for a moment.

"That was cold..." he muttered.

About a half hour later, everyone was converging on the washitsu again. Ranma had helped his father and Soun hang lights outside; it wasn't difficult once Ranma figured out that his father as a panda made an ideal scaffold. Akane and Kasumi were coming from the kitchen with trays, each one holding several bowls of soba. Nabiki and Happosai were already there when Ranma got in. "Come get your New Years' noodles before they get cold," Kasumi said. Everyone grabbed a bowl and started eating.

After a moment, Ranma noticed that Happosai seemed to be searching for something; in fact, he looked a bit frantic. "My super soba..." he said with a sniffle. Ranma had no idea what he was talking about, and didn't really care, either, so he just kept eating. Akane finished hers. "That was great!" she exclaimed. "Thanks, Kasumi!" She sat the bowl down on the table. With a crash, the table gave way, buckling as though Genma had sat on it. Dust and splinters of wood flew into the air and rained down as the table dropped all the way into the pit below.

The others in the room looked at the table, confused. Happosai pointed at Akane. "You!" he cried. "_You_ were the one who ate my super soba! It gave you super strength!" Soun scoffed at the idea, while the other Tendo sisters poked at the table. "Maybe it was rotten," Nabiki mused. Ranma picked up a splinter. "I dunno," he said. "This part looks solid." He squinted at the wreckage. There might have been something in bad shape underneath, but from where he sat, he saw broken wood that definitely wasn't rotten. The old man couldn't have been telling the truth... could he? After all, stranger things had happened...

The old freak looked at Akane and held his head high. "No use crying over slurped soba," he said. "Just let me have a good cry in your bosom!" He lunged at her. She put a hand up, as if to stop him, but the relatively light touch sent the old man flying, crashing straight into the television set and knocking it backwards onto the floor. The others in the room stared, while Akane marveled at the hand she'd just hit him with. "I _am_ super!" she said, her excitement growing. She fixed her gaze on Ranma. "Arm wrestle me," she said, looking a little too... maniacal. Ranma was more worried now that earlier— he pictured her crushing the bones in his hand to dust. Akane held her gaze, and he reluctantly moved to sit across from her. She set her right elbow on the floor. "I'll use my weak arm," she said confidently. Ranma gulped, slowly taking her hand and getting into position. "Okay," Akane said, "go!"

_Crunch!_

Ranma lost all sense of time and direction for a few seconds. When he gathered his wits, he realized he was staring up _through_ the floor, which he'd wound up underneath. He sat up, not enjoying the aches that hit him in several spots. Looking around, his shoulders were right at floor level. With a groan, he dragged himself back into the room. Akane was thanking the Kami for her gift while Soun beamed with pride. Ranma stretched his arm, which didn't hurt as bad as he'd expected. Apparently, his bones were stronger than the floor. Thankfully.

Something hit him on the head. Irritated, he spun around to see Genma holding a sign. "HOW COULD YOU LET A WOMAN BEAT YOU" He spun the sign around. "AT ARM WRESTLING?" Ranma decked him with a punch. "I'd like to see _you_ beat her right now," he retorted.

The sound of bells ran out from outside. Kasumi looked with a smile. "The New Year's Bells!" she said. Ranma stood, stretching out the joints that ached. Akane stood next to him and leaned on him. He put an arm around her and she wrapped an arm around him, nearly crushing him with her grip. He taped her arm frantically as stars starting to fill his vision. Glancing at him, she jumped and quickly let go, as he gasped for air. "You're going to have to be _real_ careful with that new strength of yours!" he said. She just smiled.

After a few minutes, Akane headed for bed. Ranma sat next to the ruined table, picking up pieces to see if it could be glued back together. The prognosis wasn't good; it looked like they'd be getting a new table for the new year. Nabiki smirked at him. "Aren't you going upstairs to keep your fiancée company?" she drawled. Ranma looked at her seriously. "Do you have any idea what'll happen to my pelvis if we try to have s..." He stopped, realizing that he was earning a lustful gaze from Happosai, a disapproving one from Kasumi, and Soun looked like he was about to go dragon-face. Ranma just shook his head and went back to picking at the remains of the table.

_(A/N: Have you ever seen the episode of Futurama where the guys get snu-snu? Yeah... a little like that.)_

* * *

The next day, Ranma and Akane were walking toward the commercial district of Nerima. They were dressed nice for the holiday, with Akane wearing an ornate kimono and a bow in her hair. Ranma looked at her... she certainly did look beautiful like that. The knowledge that she had the strength to pop his testes like grapes remained at the back of his mind, but he figured that he could avoid being affectionate for the time being.

Then again, she'd fallen asleep before he'd made it to bed the night before. That wasn't going to last forever... and when her adrenaline was pumping, she could be pretty rough at _normal_ strength...

In the center of the market, they came upon a crowd surrounding a large fighting ring. A sign by it read 'NEW YEAR'S MARTIAL ARTS BADMINTON TOURNAMENT'. Ranma scratched his head. "What the hell is martial arts badminton?" he wondered out loud. Akane's eyes shone. "The perfect way to test out my new strength!" she said in excitement. Ranma raised his hands. "Hold on..." he said, trying not to get too close, for fear of being sent flying by a playful shove. "Badminton is a game of aiming, not strength. Being strong's going to make you worse. Think about it... you'll hit it out of bounds if you hit it too hard. Maybe we can track down the arm wrestling machine or something."

Akane looked unconvinced. Ranma sighed, knowing that he wasn't liable to win this battle. Akane cocked an eyebow. "This isn't because you're jealous of my new power, is it?" she asked. Ranma facepalmed. "Kami, Akane," he muttered. "I wouldn't be jealous of something like that. I'm happy for you, really, but you've got to take it easy..." He barely got the last word out before Akane was jumping away, making a beeline for the judges table. Ranma sighed and took a seat on a nearby bench. She'd be at this a while.

Akane was led into the ring, facing off against a girl that she could have tossed around _before_ eating the super soba. Ranma cringed. 'She'll put the birdie right through that girl's chest...' he thought. The referee stepped up to a microphone at the side of the ring. "To repeat the rules of martial arts badminton," he said, his voice echoing out of speakers in the area. He held up a large black sphere with what looked like leaves sprouting from it. "The players will use these birdies," the man continued. "Should you miss..." He tossed the birdie down, and it burst open, revealing nothing inside. "The players' birdies have various traps inside them," he explained. "When a player can no longer continue, the game is over."

The man stepped out, and Akane squared off against her opponent. She smirked in a way that told Ranma that she was way too confident. The other girl attacked first, smacking a birdie in Akane's direction. She swung...

...and missed by a mile.

The birdie burst open, revealing ropes with weights on the ends, which quickly wrapped around Akane, trapping her. Ranma shook his head, the thought occurring to him that she was liable to destroy a kimono that cost nearly six digits. She struggled as the other girl calmly grabbed another birdie. Just as Akane got her arms free, the girl sent the second birdie flying. Akane swung and missed again, the birdie landing at her feet.

The birdie exploded with a _bang!_ There was a horrible squelching sound, and the popped birdie unleashed some sort of goo all over Akane. A man in the crowd poked his companion on the arm. "That's the glue ball," he said. "She'll be stuck now. If she can't get loose, she'll lose for sure." Ranma looked away from the ring. Well... she _used_ to look really nice. Poor Kasumi would have a heart attack when she saw what Akane's kimono looked like now. He looked back, covering his eyes and looking from between his fingers. Akane was freeing herself from the last of the ropes, the glue covering her all over, dripping from her hair and all of her front. "What a frickin' waste," Ranma muttered, rolling his eyes.

Akane's opponent launched another birdie, which shot toward Akane. She got smart, however, simply holding the paddle out and not swinging it. Doing this, she actually managed to aim, and her massive strength boost sent the birdie flying back in a blur. The shocked girl only managed to hold her paddle in front of her as the birdie hit it, sending her flying completely out of the ring and quite some distance beyond. She landed somewhere near the back of the crowd; Ranma heard the pop of the birdie opening, but couldn't see anything. After a few moments of murmuring from the crowd, the referee climbed into the ring. He took the microphone. "The other player can not continue," he said. "The winner... Akane Tendo!" Akane raised her arms in triumph, waving to Ranma, drops of glue dripping off of her bangs. He gave her a half-hearted smile in return. He was starting to think he should run home and find Kasumi before returning with Akane, to break the news a bit more gently.

A new challenger stepped into the ring. It was another girl; bigger, but also looking like a deer caught in headlights. She must have gotten a good look at the last girl taking her flying lesson. Just as they were about to start, Ranma was startled by a tap on his shoulder. It was Soun.

"Ranma," he said, "we have a problem. I have the instructions to the super soba noddles right here. It works by multiplying the male hormones involved in muscle development. Girls are instructed never to use it." Ranma's eyes widened as he thought of his curse, turning a male into a female. "Is she going to turn into a guy?" he asked, starting to worry.

"No, don't be silly, Ranma."

Ranma breathed a sigh of relief.

"She'll just grow whiskers."

"What?"

Ranma turned back to look at the ring, where Akane was sending her challenger flying on badminton airlines. By now, the glue was hardening, giving her hair a Coolio-esque hairstyle and leaving a scaly-looking mess on the rest of her. "As if she didn't look bad enough already," he muttered, "she's going to wind up with a goatee." Soun thrust a napkin into his hands; opening it, he found it full of berries. "Those are an antidote," Soun explained. "Get her to take one, will you?" Ranma nodded. "She's not going to give up without a fight," he said, "but I'll so my best."

_(A/N: Continuity error in the manga: In the original, Akane is fighting Shampoo, who discovers what the super soba is when she overhears Akane questioning Ranma about getting her to take the antidote. Except... how did she know that it was the antidote? Ranma hadn't told her...)_

Ranma jumped up and raced to the side of the ring, where yet another challenger was entering. This one was a man, and from the look on his face, he seemed confident that his manliness could take Akane. Ranma almost wanted to let Akane mop the floor with the guy for a lesson in sexism, but he figured growing whiskers was a bigger concern. When she saw him approaching, she knelt at the side of the ring.

"Akane," Ranma said, "you need to stop. The super soba has a side effect. Girls aren't supposed to eat it!" Akane stood back up, looking at her challenger. "So it's good enough for guys and not for girls," she said, sounding irritated. "Is _that_ what you're saying?"

"It's a _hormone_ thing, Akane! Listen to me! I have an antidote, just take one!"

Akane turned away. "Whatever the side effect is, it's worth it." She turned back to face her opponent, who lobbed a birdie her way. With a tap, it flew back toward to the man, who wasn't smart enough to duck. Catching him in the chin, he was sent spinning. The crowd erupted in cheers. Ranma hung his head.

He became aware of a presence behind him and turned to see Soun joined by Genma, who was thankfully in human form. Ranma sighed. "She ain't going to take one willingly," he said. "Any ideas?" Genma pointed at the ring. "Challenge her, boy," he said. "She's in a competitive mood. You need to beat her in a match." Ranma looked at her, as she flexed her arms. "I don't know if I can take her..." he muttered, turning and running toward home. Genma called after him. "Where are you going, boy?" he bellowed.

"I'll be right back," Ranma yelled back.

Hopping over roofs, Ranma made it back to the house in just a few seconds, bolting upstairs to grab his karategi. If he was going to be dodging projectiles at the speed Akane could send them his way, he'd need something less constrictive than the get-up he had on already. Besides, Kasumi was going to have enough formal wear to try to un-ruin. Racing downstairs, he found her and Nabiki watching television. He poked his head in the room.

"Hey, Kasumi?"

"Yes, Ranma?"

"That kimono Akane had on... was that expensive?"

Nabiki turned to look with suspicion, while Kasumi just blinked. "Somewhat. Why?"

"Akane got it covered in glue. I thought I'd break it to you before you actually saw it."

Nabiki's mouth dropped open. "How in the hell did she..." He didn't wait for her to finish, running out the front door and taking to the sky, jumping across the roofs of the neighborhood. In a minute, he was back at the ring. As Akane sent another challenger sailing, Ranma hopped down and landed in the ring. Akane looked at him, wide-eyed. "Why are you wearing..." she said, before she smirked. "I see," she continued. "You want to challenge me, too. All right. I'm not going to go easy on you."

Ranma held up the bundle of antidote berries. "There's a condition. I win, you take the antidote."

Akane's face turned a deep crimson, as she fixed him in a glare. "Why won't you let me be strong? What's the bid deal..."

"Is it a deal or not?"

"What if _I_ win?"

"I'll let you stay strong and won't bother you about it again."

She turned her nose up. "Deal."

Ranma heard a sound next to him, and looked to see a man refilling the barrel of birdies that sat in his corner. He grabbed several. Hoping that her coordination would be poor enough for him to slip something in, he launched them in quick succession, trying to hit them in different directions. To his horror, she got her paddle in position to hit more than one, and Ranma immediately saw two of them flying back toward him. "Motherf..." he muttered as the birdies sent him soaring, landing him on the roof of a building across the street. As soon as he landed, the birdies popped, one sending a flash of fire that nearly singed off his eyebrows, and the other sending metal spikes flying in his direction. He dove away as the projectiles jammed into the roof.

Jumping to his feet, he ran to the edge. Akane was wrapped in a rope like the first one that hit her, but she was nearly free of it already. Whatever the other birdies had done was anyone's guess, but they didn't appear to have slowed her down. With a leap, he landed back in the ring.

Akane gave him a vicious smile. "You're actually a challenge at this," she said. "I finally get to have some fun!" With that, she launched another birdie his way. He jumped, holding the paddle out in front of him and planting his feet firmly on the rope, holding himself horizontally. His hope was that he could spring back at her when the birdie hit. Unfortunately, the rope wasn't strong enough, snapping and allowing the birdie to carry him out of the ring and through the front window of a shop. He flew through a shelving unit and landed hard on the floor, while the birdie bounced to the other side of the place. With a pop, it split in half, spewing what looked like motor oil all over the floor.

Ranma dragged himself to his feet. He inspected himself for cuts... thank the Kami for tempered glass. He walked over to the puddle and poked it with a finger... it was definitely motor oil. He thanked the Kami again that it hadn't gone off in the ring. The last thing that he needed was to be sliding around while he tried to get her to miss. Racing back outside, he jumped back into the ring. Without stopping, he grabbed a birdie and sent it flying at her feet. She wasn't quick enough to block it, and it dropped, blowing open and sending forks flying from it. Akane dove, catching several forks in her paddle as she did.

She sprang to her feet, grabbing a birdie and launching it Ranma's way. He laid the edge of the paddle on the ring, thinking that it might absorb some impact that way, but the birdie nearly knocked it completely from his hands, bouncing up and again launching him out of the ring and into an alley. The birdie burst open, and something cold and wet flew everywhere. A very female Ranma looked down at her dripping karategi. "Water," she said with a sigh. "It just _had_ to be water. _Always_ water."

She ran and jumped, landing in the ring. The referee was confused. "Who are..." he started to ask. Ranma cut him off. "New challenger," she said. "The last guy's long gone." Akane laughed loudly as the referee shrugged and exited the ring. Akane squared off, holding her paddle ready.

A yell came from outside the ring. "Use this birdie, Ranma!" Soun's voice called. Ranma turned just in time to see a birdie the size of a Ford LTD flying her way. She was flattened, and the birdie exploded, sending chains big enough to anchor the _Titanic_ flying in all directions. Ranma threw the birdie pieces off of herself and jumped to her feet, as Akane slashed feebly at the chain. Her small paddle didn't do much, but she did manage to break a link in half, and Ranma saw an opening. Grabbing the two U-shaped pieces, she jumped at Akane and slammed them into the ring over her arms, pinning her down. Grabbing a length of chain, she hurried to tie it around and under the ring, tying her down by the waist.

Jumping back into the ring, she walked over to her, catching her breath. She was glad it was over— the wet gi was starting to make her freeze in the cold. Akane was enraged, shaking her arms violently. Ranma knelt by her. "It's okay, Akane," she said, doing her best to be gentle. She knew that Akane didn't like losing. "I told you before," she continued, "strength isn't everything. Now just eat one of these things, all right? Please, Akane?"

Akane strained against the chain holding her, and Ranma started to worry as she heard the ring start to crack. As Akane lifted her arms, a huge section of the ring broke loose, and she stood, the piece still attached to her back. She pulled her arms free, pushing the section of floor backwards, where it landed with a thud.

Her anger receded into a cheeky grin. "This isn't over yet, Ran..." She stopped, as she surely felt what Ranma could clearly see from where she stood. Hairs, like cat whiskers, sprouted from her cheeks in layers, until they hung from her face like mutton-chops. She slapped her hands to her face as tears started to stream down her cheeks. Ranma reached for her, but she jumped from the ring and ran away into the crowd. Ranma raced after her.

She lost Akane in the crowd after only a few seconds, but she'd been running in the direction of the house, so Ranma headed straight there. Sure enough, that was where she found her, climbed up a tree and sobbing. Ranma climbed up across from her, as she looked at him through teary eyes. "This is the side effect, isn't it?" she weeped. Ranma nodded sadly. She held out the antidote. "Try the antidote," she said. "Maybe they'll go away. It'll at least keep them from getting any worse..."

She took one, swallowing quickly. She wiped at her cheeks, and as she did, the whiskers popped loose and fell away, leaving her to look like the Akane that Ranma was used to. The redhead reached across to give her fiancée a hug. "I got pretty carried away, didn't I?" Akane said softly. Ranma reached up and broke a piece of dried glue from her hair. "Yeah, I'd say so," she replied. Akane started climbing down, and Ranma followed.

On the ground again, Akane looked at herself. "I probably ruined my good kimono, huh?" she said sadly. Ranma nodded. "I warned Kasumi when I came back to change earlier, so with any luck she won't have a stroke," she replied. Akane chuckled sadly while Ranma took her hand. "Let's get a shower," she said. "Maybe I can help you get some of the glue out of your hair..."

* * *

The next day, Ranma and Akane stood in the dojo in gis, but their mission wasn't strength training. Each held a paddle for martial arts badminton; Akane had begged Ranma to help her with her coordination. Seeing as it was something _besides_ getting stronger, Ranma gladly agreed. He held out the birdie, dropping it and giving it a light tap. It came at Akane, who swung like Babe Ruth, missing it entirely. She picked it up and tossed it back. "Again," she said, seeming irritated at herself. Ranma shook his head. "Maybe you should try swinging easier," he suggested. "Worry about really nailing it after you get your aiming down..."

They were startled by a crash. Racing to the door, they saw Happosai racing through a new hole in the outer wall, a sack of underpants on his back. "What a haul!" he yelled. "A little super soba and nobody can stop me!" Ranma rolled his eyes. "Stay here," he said, walking out across the yard. He stopped at the garden hose, pulling it from the side of the house. "Please don't be frozen..." he muttered, turning it on and dousing himself.

Now a girl, Ranma peeked around the side of the house, where Happosai was digging through his sack of treasure. She turned the corner, untying the top to her gi. She cleared her throat; Happosai looked up, his eyes glazed over, and he lunged. As he neared, Ranma flicked an antidote berry into his mouth. He gagged, landing on the ground and coughing before swallowing.

"What did you just feed me, Ranma?" he asked, as Ranma tied her top. The old man looked up just in time to see Ranma's foot send him sailing across the Nerima sky.

* * *

_A/N: Right before I started this chapter, I watched a documentary on Kyōto that featured a guy making kimonos with price tags in the millions of yen. Then, I sat down to read the manga, and my first thought was, 'why the hell are they dressed like that doing battle?' So, that's why I made a point to mention that. It also gave me an easy path to follow: I originally just had Ranma run to challenge her, but then I thought it would seem hypocritical if Ranma went and fought in whatever that suit thing was he wore in the manga. Then, I realized that he could easily run home, because his roof-hopping would get him there in less than a minute. And further, it would make it easy for him to give Kasumi some warning, which I'd planned to write in somewhere. And, the idea that she knew it was a challenge because he showed up in a gi seemed pretty handy..._

_So, my writing's been a bit slow. Aside from making a recent move and having to get settled, I've been working on some new stuff. If you've been reading _Revenge_, you may have seen what I posted; if not, it'll be new. (And if you read it before, I just added something to it, so have another look.) I had this idea: here in the States, there's a trend for the networks to introduce new programs by playing a couple of solid minutes of a new show during a commercial break. So, I thought I'd replicate that, and I did it on my website. I have the first chapters of two new stories written, and I have a oneshot and another new idea that I mention; I'm thinking that they might have some crossing-over to . (That's right... I'm considering writing lemons... I'm not sure if my adjective usage has gotten up to par, so I'll decide after I write a draft and see how it comes along.)_

_So, if you want to see the preview of what's coming next, go to this link:_

**jeremygu dot 99k dot org /wiki/Fanfics/Fall_2011_Preview**

_Enjoy!_


	17. Hawaiian Punch

_A/N: It's not even a broken record to apologize for the delays. It's a record that has been shattered, melted, stabbed, crushed, and sent through the luggage service for any major U.S. airline. Two reasons: 1) I got buried in my two new stories (check them out if you haven't already), and 2) I was busy with the holidays. The good news is, I'm a couple of chapters ahead on the other fics, so they only need a look-over before I post the next chapter to each, and I can get right to the next chapter of _Chill Pill_._

_If you know the layout of the manga, it's time for a certain principal, a.k.a. nutcase father of a nutcase student, to arrive. I originally wanted to put two arcs together, his arrival and the next one, where he tries to make Ranma late, putting in place a punishment for late students. However, the first arc ran too long. I'm going to that arc; there isn't much to it, frankly. And for what's going in the next chapter, well... I'm rather excited about it._

_One thing about this chapter: in the original manga, Ranma kept changing forms. At first, it was completely without explanation; later, a hot kettle would magically appear in his hand when he first became a guy. I wouldn't bother with trying to change in that situation, surrounded by water, so Ranma in this chapter stays a girl the whole time they're in the basement._

_And that's all. Here it is:_

* * *

Ukyo and Ryoga walked through the front gate of Furinkan, Ukyo holding his arm to keep him from getting lost along the way. His ability to get lost certainly hadn't abated; Ranma got a kick out of the little signs on all of the the doors in her apartment, and little stop signs, telling places he should never walk into, such as closets. Akane, on the other hand, had gotten into the habit of looking around the apartment every time she and Ranma were about to leave, as he had a habit of pulling pranks by switching the signs around. He especially liked putting the sign for Ryoga's bedroom on the door to Ukyo's. He was sure that Akane would eventually miss the switch, and, sign unfixed, Ryoga would end up stumbling into Ukyo's room in the middle of the night.

Hilarity would ensue.

As yet, nothing of the sort had happened, and the two were entirely peaceful with eachother. Certainly not admitting any feelings, of course, but nothing bad was happening, and, like every other morning, she cheerfully led him to school.

Without warning, a snowball came hurtling at Ukyo's back, hitting her spatula and sending snow flying in all directions. Ryoga spun around, in full attack mode, only to take a snowball to the groin. He doubled over, as Ranma and Akane peeked out from behind a tree. Ranma grimaced. "My bad," he said. "I didn't think you'd turn around so quick."

Ryoga recovered as Ranma and Akane approached the pair. Akane's friends Sayuri and Yuka ran up to them. "Did you hear?" Yuka asked excitedly. "The principal is back!"

"Who's the principal?" Ryoga asked.

"I actually barely remember him," Akane replied. "He's been gone for more than a year."

"Studying in Hawaii," Yuka added.

"Is it a _good_ thing that he's back?" Ukyo asked skeptically.

Sayuri and Yuka looked sheepish. "We don't know," Sayuri said. "He's been gone so long that we can't remember what he was like. We hoped Akane would."

The group jumped as a scream echoed across the lawn. They turned to look, catching sight of an angry-looking snowman chasing a girl across the schoolyard. "What now?" Ranma moaned. It would be nice to be surprised by something like this, but he wasn't— things like this were actually somewhat routine in Nerima. As was his luck, the snowman turned and saw him, jumping his way. "Demerit!" it yelled, as Ranma jumped back to avoid it. The snowman landed, leaning close. "'Ey, hang lose," it said in a thick accent that he couldn't identify. It grabbed his braid, producing a pair of scissors in its other hand. "Let's fix dat hair, bruddah!" it continued. Ranma spun, planting a fist in its face, which sent it flying.

The snowman landed roughly in the snow, and Ranma immediately knew that it wasn't snow at all— it was a costume. 'At least it's not a real, magic snowman,' he thought. Stranger things had happened, after all. It sat up, leaping to its feet and rushing at Ranma, its arms becoming giant pairs of scissors. "You wan' mix it up wit da principal?" it shouted. Murmurs of confusion spread through the crowd.

Ranma instantly knew that school was about to become a lot more painful.

As the principal-snowman reached him, he kicked it, sending it flying and blowing the costume apart. Where it landed, a man now stood, in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. "Aloha, keiki!" he shouted. "Da big kahuna's back!"

He turned to Ranma, tossing a pineapple, which Ranma caught. "'Ey bruddah," he said. "Have a little taste o' de islands!" With that, the pineapple exploded in his hands, sending him flying. He landed face-down, sending a plume of snow flying. Thinking quick, he decided to play dead. The guy was sure to come back, and he could spring a surprise attack. He looked around for Akane with his one exposed eye. He gave her a wink, but didn't move.

The principal walked up to his seemingly unconscious form, picking his head up by the pigtail and holding a pair of scissors to it. The pain of being lifted by his hair was too much for Ranma to keep pretending, and he spun around, landing a kick on the principal's chin which knocked him back.

"You hit me!" the principal moaned.

"No, I _kicked_ you, Einstein!"

The principal whistled, and two reindeer came running, pulling some sort of sled. He jumped on board. "Surfs's up!" he called, tossing another pineapple and riding away. Ranma tried to kick it, expecting it to be another bomb. He was right, but it went off right as his foot reached it, sending him flying again. Akane ran over, helping him to his feet, while he watched the principal retreat.

"School just got a _lot_ more interesting," he muttered.

* * *

Ranma hurried down the hallway, worried. He and Akane had every class together, including gym. Normally, he'd wait for her outside of the locker room, she'd come out, and they'd go to their next class. For the first time since he'd arrived, it hadn't gone that way. The other girls came out, but no Akane. Finally, when he was afraid of being late, he rushed off to their next class, thinking that she might show up a minute late. She hadn't. She was missing throughout the entire class. An announcement had come over the P.A. telling the students to go to the auditorium at the end of class, for an announcement by the principal. Now, he was heading in that direction, still with no idea what had happened to her.

That wasn't like her. Not at all.

Slipping into the auditorium, he saw Ukyo and Ryoga sitting near the front, and he slipped into a seat behind them. "Hey," he said quickly. Ukyo looked at him with some concern. "You look worried," she said frankly. Ranma nodded. "Have you guys seen Akane?" he asked. "I haven't seen her since she went to the locker room after gym. She doesn't usually disappear like that, and after that goofy stuff that happened this morning, it's got me kinda freaked."

The other two simply shook their heads, as the stage lights suddenly came on. The Hawaiian principal strode out onstage. Ukyo and Ryoga looked back to Ranma, a look of defeat on their faces. Ranma nodded, knowing what they were thinking: any hope that the man hadn't been the real principal was gone. "There be new rules in place," the principal said, "and dis be da first." He reached over and flipped on an overhead projector that sat next to him. An illustration of two faces, one a boy and one a girl, came onto the screen. The girl wore a rather ugly bowl cut, while the boy's head was shaved.

"Dis new dress code," the principal said. "All bruddahs be getting' dem shaved heads, and all the sistahs be getting' dem bowl cuts." Murmurs rose from the student body; after a minute, random objects, from school supplies to shoes, began raining on the principal from the audience. Boos echoed throughout the room. Ranma simply stared at the illustration. "I'd like to see him try to cut _our_ hair like that," he said, as Ukyo nodded with a smirk.

"Some ah yous seem ta have a problem wit da discipline, yah?" the principal boomed. "Me be showin' you what can happen!" With that, the curtain, which hadn't been completely opened, opened fully, showing another ten feet of stage on each side. Ranma's jaw dropped as, on the far side of the stage, the opening curtain revealed an unconscious Akane, crucified on two broomsticks. Gasps replaced the boos from the audience. The steady stream of flying objects stopped... until the chair that Ranma had been sitting in sailed to the stage, flattening the principal. Cheers erupted.

Ranma leapt over the first few rows of seats, racing to Akane. Before he could reach her, though, she awoke. She looked around; seeing her predicament, her face flashed red with anger, and after a split second of straining, she snapped the broom binding her arms in half, untying the pieces and tossing them aside. Ranma grabbed her by the waist, yanking her off of the other broom and pulling her into a tight embrace. "Akane," whispered. "You all right?"

She nodded.

"What happened? You didn't come out after gym so I went to class."

"I... I don't know. The last thing I remember was being the last person in the locker room. Somebody must have jumped me from behind."

Ranma's head snapped around as he glared at the principal, who was staggering to his feet. Releasing Akane, he bolted to the principal, slamming his fist in the man's face and sending him tumbling away. Cheers erupted again, as a number of the males started rushing to the stage. As the principal went to stand, Ranma kneed him in the chin, knocking him down again. Before he could start to rise a third time, Ranma had him by the throat, lifting him up.

"Do you have any idea what I did to the last person that messed with Akane?" he asked, his blood boiling. "And _that_ was an _accident!_"

"Like... a... moth... to... da... flame..." the principal squeaked.

Ranma tightened his grip, reddening in anger. "I'm going to break your neck with my bare hands, you Hawaiian son of a bitch! Say goodnight!"

The principal raised a hand. "Ah... ah..." he muttered. He raised his other hand, holding in it a coconut. "Inside... da... coco... nut... der... pardon... from... rules. Any... bruddah... sista... get... dis... from... me..." Before he could squeak another word, Ranma snatched it with his free hand, not otherwise moving. Akane took it from him. "Not much of a challenge," she said.

Without warning, the coconut exploded in her hands. The blast distracted Ranma enough that he released the principal, who scurried a few steps away. Akane stood, blackened and angrier than she'd already been. "You got tree days!" the principal said. "I be waitin' in my office!"

"You'll be dead in two..." Ranma said, taking a step toward him. The principal stepped back, tossing a pineapple to the floor. It exploded in a cloud of smoke, and by the time Ranma could see, the man was gone. He turned to look at Akane, as a number of other students were wandering onstage. "Forget the coconut," he said. "I'm just going to kill the little prick."

Their classmate Hiroshi was one of the boys nearby. He scratched his head. "Well," he said, "if the principal said he's waiting in his office, I guess we need to figure out where is office is. If that coconut story's even real, he's probably got it in his office, anyway."

Ranma looked to Akane. "Any idea where the principal office is?"

"Huh uh. I never had to go there for anything."

"Does _anybody_ know?"

The students looked at eachother, but nobody seemed to have an answer. Ranma saw Ukyo and Ryoga. He pointed to them. "Maybe we ought to split up and look for it. Why don't you two form one group, and Akane and I can form another, and maybe some other people can make a couple more. This school is a maze; it'll take forever if we wander around in one big group."

The students started peeling off into groups, as Ranma and Akane took off toward the front entrance, with half a dozen students joining them. Ranma read the sign on a door. "Seems to me," he said, "they'd put the main office right by the front door, right? I mean... that's where the visitors need to go... We're not in an addition, are we? Because if there's an old front door somewhere else it might be there..."

Akane shook her head. "Don't ask me. I've been going here for a year and a half and I get lost if I go down a wrong hallway."

Poking at every door, the group stood in defeat, looking out the windows of the front doors. "Damn..." Ranma muttered. They turned around and started walking back the way they came, only to run into another group of students when they hit the next hallway.

"Is it down there by the doors?" one asked. Ranma shook his head. The student pointed. "We just checked by the gym," he said, "and it's not down that way, either. This place is so confusing..."

They were startled as the PA speakers crackled to life. "Surf's up!" a familiar voice called. The students looked around frantically. "I don't like the sound of that..." Akane said. The last word had barely left her mouth before a tidal wave swept down the hallway, knocking the entire group off of their feet and carrying them away. They were swept through the winding corridors of the school, the water making the quickly-turning-female Ranma tumble so badly that she lost track of which direction they were going, or even which way was up. Finally, the water receded, depositing them on a sandy beach. Ranma and Akane helped eachother up, as the now-shorter Ranma cuffed her sleeves. "You all right?" she asked Akane. Akane nodded. They looked around, noticing a lot more people than had been in their group before. "Looks like he washed every student in the school down here," Akane said.

The PA crackled to life once again. "Aloooooooooha!" the principal's voice boomed. "Welcome to my office!"

Ranma knelt down to cuff her pantlegs. "That ass really doesn't know what he just started, does he?" she said. "Just wait until I get my hands on that... that... I'll not only kill him, I'll torture him 'til he has a heart attack from the pain! Oh, the stuff I'm gonna do to him, that little bastard..."

Akane put an arm around her shoulders. "Just don't do anything that might get you thrown in jail," she said softly. "Okay?" Ranma rolled her eyes. "Like any jury on earth would convict me." She stood, shaking her arms as the water droplets flew from her sleeves. "And what the hell was he doing with water like that?" she said, exasperated. "There's snow on the ground outside! People are going to _freeze_ going home!"

Akane looked around. "It's pretty hot in here," she mused. "Maybe we'll be dry by the time we have to leave."

Ranma looked for herself. There were someplace resembling a warehouse that had been painted like a cheap movie set— behind light blue paint and fake clouds, she could clearly see pipes and ducts. "Yeah, where the hell are we, anyway?"

"It's the basement. I've been down here with the theater club. The sets are kept down here."

"So how do we get out?"

Akane wiped a strand of wet hair from her face. "I'm not really sure," she answered. "It's a maze like the rest of the school, and it all looks the same. I mean, I know it's the basement, but I can't tell _where _in the basement. We could be anywhere. We're not right under the auditorium, at least. I'd recognize it if we were."

They heard a sloshing, and turned to see a soaked Ukyo walking up to them. Ranma jumped as a new thought hit her. "Ryoga!" she said. Ukyo reached behind her, pulling Ryoga out from where he'd been clinging to her spatula. Ranma breathed a sigh of relief. Rolling her eyes, she took her jacket off, wringing it out. "So we've established that I'm going to kill that coconut-eating prick, right?" she said. Ukyo and Akane's eyes widened. Ranma paused. "What?" she asked.

Akane pointed to Ranma's chest. Ranma looked down. As a guy at heart, her mind hadn't followed a typical womanly thought processes; specifically, it hadn't occurred to her that she only had an undershirt on under her jacket, and she was soaking wet. She paused, unsure of what to do. "Uh..." she muttered. "Here, you two just stand right in front of me." She hurriedly finished, throwing the jacket back on and rushing to button it.

Despite her rush, and Akane and Ukyo forming a human shield, she didn't go unnoticed. About a dozen male classmates suddenly surrounded them. "Hey, ain't seen _you_ here before," one said. Another looked at her closely. "Aren't you the girl that beat Kodachi Kuno in the martial arts gymnastics tournament?"

Ranma groaned inwardly. "Yeah..."

"Boy did you look hot in that leotard," a third boy chimed. Ukyo and Akane stifled laughter, while pig-Ryoga laughed with a squeal. Ranma felt slightly nauseous.

"Aren't you related to Saotome?" the second boy asked.

Ranma nodded. "He's my brother."

"Would he kick my ass if I asked you out?" Hiroshi asked. Ranma shuddered; having a friend of hers act like that was even worse. Ukyo dropped to her knees, unable to remain upright as she bit her lip to keep the laughter in, tears running down her cheeks.

Ranma rubbed her temples. "I don't really go to school around here, okay? Ranma lives with Akane; I live with our parents. I'm just visiting."

"Where do you live?"

"Yeah, I'd take the train to see you!" another, Ranma's friend Daisuke, said.

"Hell, I'd take a plane!" a third chimed.

Akane joined Ukyo on the ground, shaking as forced herself not to laugh out loud.

Ranma rolled her eyes. Had she been that bad around girls before she met Akane? "Ah... kami, I don't know... Tottori... I guess..."

"What's that, Shinkansen to Ōsaka, and south from there? I could do that..."

"Oh, yeah. I'd spend four hours on the train for a date with you. That would _totally_ be worth it.

Ranma squeezed her fists in frustration. "No... look... I'm not interested, okay?"

"Why not? Is it religion? I'd convert."

"If I'm too ugly, I'll get plastic surgery."

Akane and Ukyo simultaneously lost control, bursting into loud laughter. They boys looked over, confusion on their faces. Ranma, now out of patience, grabbed the last to speak by his collar. "I'm not interested in guys. _Any_ guys. Get it?" She shoved him away.

The boys blinked in unison, before looks of understanding crossed their faces. They receded. "Why are the hot ones always lesbians?" one muttered. Ranma looked at the girls on the ground. "You two going to be able to breathe?" she asked, the irritation obvious in her voice, though it wasn't directed at them. Ukyo waved her hands in front of her. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." she gasped. "It's just... the look on your face..."

"...and the looks on _theirs_ when you said you weren't interested in guys," Akane added, also struggling to catch her breath.

Ranm rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I _guess _I feel bad for the girls I tried to get dates with in the past. Anyway... we've got important stuff to do right now, okay? So try to recover quickly enough that we can find our way out."

Akane stood, helping Ukyo up. They brushed off their knees, while Ukyo picked up the still-mirthful Ryoga. She grinned. "You know what the problem is, now?" she said. "All of the closet lesbians are going to be coming up to you when you're guy, wanting you to introduce them to your redhead sister!"

"Send 'em over. I'll start carrying bottled water."

"Ranma!" Akane whined.

"Ranma? Where do you see Ranma? I'm _Ranko_ Saotome, remember?"

Akane's eyes narrowed. "You'd better be kidding."

Ranma feigned innocence, looking up at the ceiling. Ukyo giggled. They were interrupted by a voice, this time, not over a speaker. "You be lovin' our Hawaiian atmosphere!" the principal's voice echoed. Looking up, they spotted him perched in a tree. Ranma took a step, but Akane grabbed her arm. "Not as a girl," she whispered. "As far as he knows, you're not Ranma. Keep it that way!"

Ranma smiled. Akane sure was smart.

They all jumped as a roar echoed around them. Animals started rising from behind the greenery; dangerous animals, like crocodiles and tigers. The students backed up, packing together in a group as the animals surrounded them. A gorilla swung at Akane, and she easily grabbed its arm. She and Ranma stared at what was in its hand: shears. "Barbers' shears?" Akane said in exasperation. Ranma was equally shocked. "He trained wild animals to shave people?" she said in astonishment.

Akane sent the animal flying, as the other animals jumped at the group. Ranma, Akane, and Ukyo, as well as several of the tougher students, started swinging, and within a few minutes, the animals were all flattened. Hiroshi grabbed one. "Hey, these aren't animals," he said. "These are teachers!"

"The principal made us!" a tiger whined.

"I have three cubs to feed!" a wolf chimed.

The students rolled their eyes. "My heart bleeds," someone drawled.

The students looked up, but the principal was gone. Daisuke stepped forward. "We have to find that coconut!" he said. "Fan out!"

Ranma raised a hand. "Why don't we just find the principal?" she suggested. Akane tugged on her sleeve. "How about _we_ look for him while _they_ look for the coconut?" she said. Ranma nodded, and everyone wandered in different directions. Ranma hopped into a tree, with Akane next to her. "Do you recognize anything?" she asked, looking out as far as she could see. Akane shook her head. Ranma scanned the area. They'd been on a beach, and the water stretched out from there. She noticed, though, that the water went around a corner in the distance. "Why don't we try to follow the water?" she said. "It would have to come from somewhere, so there might be a door at least, but I'd bet the principal is hiding in that direction."

Akane nodded, and they ran back to the beach, following the water's edge toward the nearest wall. There was a small amount of dry land running along the wall, and they followed it as it took them around a corner and off away from the rest of the students. After a short distance, Akane broke into a run, racing over to an alcove that was ahead of them. As Ranma caught up, she saw that it wasn't an alcove at all, but rather another section of basement, another large room. Akane pointed in excitement. "This is under the auditorium!" she said. "I recognized it when we got close. We can get out this way!"

"Well, we need to find the principal or he'll just wash us down here again. Still, we know how to get out when the time comes." Looking ahead, Ranma noticed that the dry land along the wall wasn't going to go any further. "Hmm," she muttered. "We can't follow the water any farther walking. We're going to have to swim. You dry enough that you want to stay that way?"

Akane didn't answer. Ranma turned, and noticed that Akane was blushing in embarrassment. "What?" Ranma asked, genuinely confused. Akane looked at the floor. "I... I can't swim," she muttered. Ranma's jaw dropped. "You're kidding," she said. Akane shook her head. Ranma shrugged. "Well... that's alright," she said. "I can teach you later on. Let me see..."

She looked around, noticing a pipe on the wall that she could climb. Jumping onto in, she craned to look where the water was heading. Not far ahead, the water ended at another beach. There she saw a small hut, and somebody was moving around.

"Jackpot. Akane?"

"Yeah?"

"I have an idea. Would there be any Hawaiian-looking costumes in all the theater stuff?"

A few minutes later, Ranma was gussying up as the prettiest island girl anyone had ever seen, complete with a short Hawaiian-print dress and a large tropical flower in her hair. She looked through the other costumes that hung from various racks. "Want something dry to put on?" she asked.

"I'll wait until we're done with all of this. There's a good enough chance we'll get hit by another tidal wave while we're down here."

The redhead nodded. "Remember that these are here. Everybody's going to want dry clothes before it's time to leave." She wandered back to the water's edge. "I'm thinking that the principal might respond better to a castaway. Stay hidden for now; I'll try to lure him back to the rest of the kids so that we can all pound him together." She gave Akane a quick kiss, before turning and wading into the water.

Swimming to shore, she made a point to stay low so that the principal wouldn't see her coming. As she approached, she spied a kayak sitting on the sand. Hurrying alongside it, she gave it a loud kick and flopped over on the sand.

As expected, the sound of footsteps signaled the approach of the principal. He knelt beside her. "You okay dere, wahine?" he asked. He grabbed her ponytail in one hand, producing a pair of shears in the other. "All de girls be getting' da bowl cuts," he said, as Ranma planted a foot in his face. "I'm not your student," she said, forcing as much sweetness as she could muster.

She gave the principal a worried look. "I need your help, sir," she said. "I was on a raft with my father and it crashed. If you could rescue us..."

"I'm sorry, wahine. I gotta stay here an' watch for da students."

"But... it could be a matter of life and death!"

The principal teared up. After a moment, he composed himself. "You're a sweet girl. I was just remembering my son. He's been missin' for the past three years..." He took a breath. "Tell me, child. Do you have a father?"

Ranma fought her eye-roll reflex. "The one stranded on the island, remember?"

The principal brightened. "All right! I be helpin' you out! We go!" He grabbed the kayak, tossing it into the water and dragging Ranma into it. They raced off. As they passed the other hallway, Ranma turned to look for Akane. Once they were some difference away, Akane stepped out, following them as they headed back toward the students.

The principal jumped into a tree, looking down on the crowd of students. Ranma followed suit, jumping into the tree next to him. Below them, Ukyo was smashing coconuts as other students brought them to her. A pile of whole coconuts lay next to her, while shattered shards lay scattered in all directions. The principal turned to Ranma. "I gotta pop in on my students for a minute," he said, grabbing a vine that was in the tree and swinging out over them. Ranma jumped over to his tree.

"Catch me if you can, keikis!" the principal called down to the students below. They looked up at him... just as Ranma grabbed the vine and gave it a yank, tearing it and sending the Hawaiian face-first into the sand. She jumped down as Akane joined her, watching several of the other students tie the man up.

"Sweet child," the principal said to Ranma. "How can you turn on me?"

"I slipped," Ranma replied sarcastically.

"Too bad da Kahuna wen' forgot where he hid da coconut..."

Hiroshi emerged from the group of students, carrying a slab of rock that he held over the man's head. "Perhaps these slabs of rock will jog your memory," he said, lifting the rock above his head. The principal brightened. "Da kahuna jus' remembah!" he cried. He looked over his shoulder. "Be pullin' dat rope, wahine!"

Ranma followed his gaze, spying a rope hanging from the wall. She gave it a tug, and a sheet unfurled down the wall, showing a giant photograph of a young boy. The boy had a shaved head and looked ready to kill the person behind the camera.

The students scowled. "What's that miserable-looking kid got to do with this?" Daisuke said.

"That's my son, who's been missing for three years. If you find my son, I'll tell you where to find the coconut."

Ranma studied the photograph. The eyes looked incredibly familiar. In fact, she was sure that they looked just like... She grabbed Akane's arm. "Akane?" she said. "Does the kid in that photo look kinda familiar to you?" Akane squinted at it. "Yeah," she replied. "Now that you mention it..."

Ranma looked at the floor, noticing a paint can sitting by the base of the wall. Grabbing it and popping it open, she found it reasonably usable, with a brush left inside the can. It was a dark-purple color, but it was close enough... Grabbing the brush, she jumped up and quickly scribbled paint across the photo, drawing hair over the boy. The students gasped as they saw what Ranma had seen.

"It's Kuno!"

Ranma jumped down, racing off into the jungle. She had someone to find, and in her redheaded state, it wouldn't be hard to get him to come along. After only a moment, she heard the sounds of thrashing from someone wandering through the underbrush. Leaping into a tree, she saw that it was the object of her search. Jumping back down, she ran over to him. "Kuno!" she called as she approached.

The upperclassman turned. "Pigtailed girl!" he shouted, running to embrace her, only to be stopped as she put her foot into his face. "Upperclassman Kuno," she said sweetly, "I have someone that's looking for you. Follow me!" With that, she took off back toward the rest of the students, with Kuno in tow.

They reached the group, and Ranma gave Kuno a shove toward the principal. The man regarded him levelly. "Nope," he said flatly. "Dis ain't my keiki!" Akane pointed toward the photo. "He looks just like the photo!" she cried.

The principal shook his head. "No, no, no. My son Tatewaki..."

Ranma gave Kuno another shove. "That's right! Tatewaki!"

"No, no! Tatewaki was only fourteen! And way shorter!"

"Yeah," Hiroshi yelled from the crowd. "He _grew!_"

Kuno brandished his bokken. "My father disappeared three years ago," he said, "and you look nothing like him!" Kuno swung the weapon, missing the principal by an inch. As the man leaned back to avoid the swing, a photograph floated out of his shirt. Kuno caught it in midair. "A photograph of my father!" he cried, turning red. "Where did you get this?"

"Dat's a picture of _me_ from t'ree years ago!"

"No! My father's skin was lighter!" He tossed the photo down, as other students rushed to grab it. Ranma looked at it; it was definitely the same man. It was Ukyo that spoke up. "He got a tan, jackass!" she yelled. "He was in Hawaii!"

"The dumb-as-a-brick thing must run in the family," Ranma muttered.

Kuno swung at the principal again, but the man managed to free himself from the ropes holding him, blocking Kuno's bokken by hitting it with a pair of barber's shears and shredding it. The upperclassman looked at his mangled weapon. "The very technique," he mumbled. "The very technique... that took my hair three years ago... the Kuno family secret! The wooden sword shredder!"

The principal gasped. "How do you know that name?"

They stared at eachother for a moment, before leaping and embracing one another. The students rolled their eyes. It was Akane that stepped forward. "We found your son as agreed," she said. "So how about that rules pardon?"

"Ya still need to find da coconut, keiki! I need da map showin' where it is!"

"And where's the map?"

"On the back of tacchi's head!" He pointed to Kuno's head, as the boy jumped back, throwing his mangled bokken down and grabbing another one that was hanging on his waist. He principal continued. "T'ree years ago I wen' drew it widda special ink!"

The students' jaws dropped. "You were planning this... three years ago?" Akane mumbled. Hiroshi grabbed the shears from the principal, and turned to Kuno. "Sorry, Kuno," he said. "It's time for a shave." With a flick of his bokken, Kuno knocked the shears out of the boy's hand. "Never," he replied.

Ranma grabbed Kuno's head. "Maybe we can see it through your hair, Kuno," she said, grabbing bits of hair and trying to squint in between. It was useless, however— his hair was thick and obscured too much at once. She turned him around, looking into his eyes. "Kuno," she said sweetly. "Could you possibly shave your head, for me? And Akane? It could save the both of us from your father!"

Kuno put the back of a hand dramatically to his forehead. "Forgive me, pigtailed girl," he said. "But I cannot! Not even for you and Akane Tendo both!" Ranma blinked. "You're kidding..." she said, shocked that he'd refused. She was certain that she could have made him do anything when she was a girl. Shoving him away, she thought hard— how could she either convince Kuno to shave his head, or get hold of the coconut some other way? Her thoughts turned back to what she'd said all along. "Playing the principal's games isn't going to get us anywhere," she said to no one in particular. "We've got to go after the man himself."

They were all startled by a whooshing noise from above, and shielded themselves as something rained down on them. Getting a better look, Ranma stared in shock at the moving things that had fallen from the sky: lobsters, very much alive. The students recoiled, swatting them away. One snapped its claws at Ranma's braid. "I don't believe it!" she cried. "He trained frickin' lobsters! That man's totally insane!"

The last word barely left her mouth before a giant lobster, ten times the size of what they were currently experiencing, lunged out from the bushes nearby. Ranma jumped at it, throwing a kick, but the lobster blew a cloud of smoke from a claw, and before she could react, she found herself flying into the middle of that claw. Soon, she was headfirst in the dark cavern.

In the darkness, she heard a chuckle in a Hawaiian accent. "Let's take care a' that pigtail," the principal said as he appeared from the darkness, scissors in hand. Ranma clenched a fist. "Wrong move," she said, grabbing the principal by the scissor arm and pounding him with her free hand. Her anger from his earlier stunt poured out, and she pounded him with all of her might, hitting him over and over. Blow after blow rained down on his head. After several blows, however, he wrenched free, disappearing into the darkness. The claw dropped to the ground as the rest of the giant lobster crumbled apart, and the principal bid a hasty escape, running out of the pieces. The other students lunged for him, but he was too fast, heading back for the shore.

Ranma threw aside the pieces of claw that lay around her, her anger boiling. "You ain't getting away that easy!" she yelled, racing after him. He jumped into the kayak they'd arrived in earlier and paddled like mad, while Ranma dove into the water, swimming after him. He reached land before she did, however, and by the time she got out of the water, he'd disappeared onto the island.

She wandered uphill. The island wasn't terribly large, and it wasn't exactly an island— they were in a corner of the basement, and she could see a door on the wall. "Nice," she muttered. "He traps us down here while he can come and go as he pleases." Looking up, she saw that the center of the island was occupied by a large tiki hut, set up on stilts. It seemed like the logical place for the principal to go, and even if he were hiding somewhere else, it provided the best vantage point. She raced up the steps.

Inside, she found a desk, complete with paperwork and a security monitor. Ranma smirked. "The principal's office," she said. She noticed a bust of the principal on a pedestal— a pedestal that could easily hide the body of someone _pretending_ to be a bust. She held back a laugh. 'Nice try,' she thought.

She wandered over to it, turning her back. "Heh," she said. "Just a statue." Watching out of the corner of her eye, she saw the 'statue' move, raising an arm with scissors in-hand. Spinning around, she grabbed the principal by the arm and commenced pounding him like before. After just a couple of punches, however, something dropped onto her head with a _crack_, and everything went dark.

Ranma awoke hanging upside down, suspended from a rope that bound her arms at her sides. The principal stood, smiling and holding a pair of scissors. "You be bowl cut number one, wahine," he said. He stabbed forward with the scissors, going for her hanging braid, but Ranma grabbed his arm with her feet, slamming him headfirst into the floor. He jumped up, only to be flattened again, this time from Ukyo's foot. Ranma looked up to see the entire student body filling the room and surrounding the hut, with Akane and Ukyo in front of her.

"How did you all get here?" she asked.

"We found a raft in the theater props," Ukyo replied, looking down at the principal and cracking her knuckles.

Hiroshi jumped and pointed. "The coconut!" he yelled, pointing. Following his finger, Ranma saw that the coconut was indeed right in front of them, on a small table. Several students jumped for it, but the principal jumped up and raced to it, producing a baseball bat and hitting it Canseco-style. "It's outta here!" he yelled with a grin. Ranma struggled. "Forget the coconut!" she yelled. "Just kill the prick!"

There was a crack from the direction that the coconut had flown. Looking, Ranma saw Kuno running toward them, the coconut smashed into his face. He leapt into the hut, swinging blindly and nearly hitting Ranma in the process. "Take this, 'daddy'!" he yelled, as Ranma swung to miss him. She planted a foot on the back of his head, shoving him face-first into his father. "Get _him_, you idiot!" she yelled.

Kuno dropped to the floor, while the principal grabbed the boy's hair. "My son, bringin' back my coconut," he said. "I be rewardin' you wid a haircut!" He grabbed a pair of shears, which Kuno immediately swatted out of his hand with his bokken. "If you like shaved heads so much," Kuno retorted, "I shall make sure to have monks at your funeral!"

They leapt into a battle, Kuno with his bokken and the principal with shears, while Ranma hung directly in the middle. She swung from side to side, doing her best to avoid the two of them as they struck at eachother. The principal managed to push his son away, just as Ranma was swinging to the side. Looking up, she saw a loose piece of bamboo laying in the rafters. Grabbing it with her feet, she aimed it at the principal. Kuno jumped. "Pigtailed girl, no!" he screamed. "His attack uses his opponent's weapon as a ramp to their head!"

The principal laughed as he shredded the bamboo, but Ranma also laughed, as she swung around to point her head toward the floor. As the principal's shears deflected upward into nothing, Ranma slammed a foot into his chin, sending him sprawling. "Only works if my head's where you expected it to be," she said.

Akane untied Ranma, and she immediately raced over to the principal as he struggled to stand. Leaping, she connected a punch with his face, sending him flying. Akane ran to her, grabbing her arm. "Wait," she whispered in Ranma's ear. "He doesn't know you're Ranma, remember?" Ranma shrugged. "I've been pounding him already," she said.

"Still..." She held the coconut. "I've got the coconut. It's over."

"You want me to let him go after what he did to you?"

Akane looked at her with pleading eyes. "Please? You've done enough to him already. It's not like you can up and kill him or anything."

Ranma sighed, doing her best to calm herself. "Fine. Fine. You're the victim. If you say I've done enough, I'll quit." She resolved to use the slightest future indiscretion from him as an excuse to resume beating him senseless.

The principal sat up, and Akane held the coconut. "I believe the rules are gone," she said. The principal sat, looking defeated. "All right," he said. "I have lost. I'm sorry." He sniffed. "I was so wrong..."

"As long as you admit it," Akane said, "we'll forget about it."

"Speak for yourself," Ranma muttered.

The principal jumped up. "Ootah!" he yelled. "Den you forgive me?" He raced out of the hut, bounding for the door in the wall. "Come upstairs to da auditorium!" he called back to them. Ranma shook her head, and turned to the others. "Did Akane show you where there were dry clothes?" she asked. Several nodded in reply. The group headed toward the shore, Ranma wanting to find something masculine so that she could regain her manhood once she got upstairs.

* * *

The now-dry students sat in the auditorium, Ranma and Ryoga back to being boys. Ranma was still grumbling. "I'm telling you, Akane," he said. "I'm not letting this go. I'll leave the prick alone for now, but as soon as he gives me an excuse..."

Ukyo nodded. "I'll be right there with ya," she said.

"Maybe he'll give up now that he knows we can beat him," Akane said, sounding like she was more concerned with calming Ranma down than anything else.

Ryoga shrugged. "He planned all of that stuff out before, some of it years ago... do you think he made more plans like that, or was it the only one?"

"I get the bad feeling that we'll find out real soon," Ranma muttered.

The principal strolled out onstage. "I got big present for you!" he called out to the students. A banner unfurled behind him... showing a boy and girl with new, but equally ridiculous, hairstyles. Kuno jumped to the stage, initiating a battle with him, while the other students turned to leave. "Leave it to Kuno to clean up this mess," Hiroshi muttered.

Ranma watched the battle unfold. "I can't believe I'm saying this," he said, "but I've totally got Kuno's back on this one."

* * *

_A/N: "Oh, Jesus Christ, that is long. That is long, long, long, long, _long!_ I told you, David, it's too fucking long!" —Peter Jennings_

_I rather liked this chapter. Usually, Ranma is a one man army; it was nice to have him cooperating with the others._

_Stay tuned for the next chapter!_


	18. The Soap of Non Masturbatory Happiness

_A/N: Usually, I take way too long to finish a chapter and have to apologize for it. This time, I got right to work on it… and got writer's block. Hmph. Maybe I'm meant to drag my feet on these things. I dunno._

_Anyway, remember when I said I'd probably not bring the Amazons around again?_

_I lied._

_Enjoy._

* * *

A very female Ranma stepped off of the pool ladder, walking over to a deck chair and grabbing the towel from it. She dried her hair while Ryoga stood by impatiently.

"Hurry up, Ranma, the girls are already in the onsen!"

"Oh, hold your horses. We're going to be here for another three or four hours. Besides, the _girls_ aren't in there already; _Ukyo_ is in there already. Akane went to fill the thermos. I guess I know why you're so happy to be here, huh?"

Ryoga reddened. "Shut up."

Ranma looked him up and down. "What are you standing here for, anyway? You haven't even changed yet! Go put your trunks on!"

"What do you mean 'go'? You know I'll get lost! I'm waiting on _you_ to lead me to the changing rooms!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming. You're lucky there's only one onsen in this place. If they'd have divided it, you wouldn't get to snuggle up with her. Unless you planned on sneaking over to the girls' side in the nude…"

Ryoga scowled. "You _would _think of that, pervert. Besides, it's not like I'd try anything with her in a public place."

"Of course not. You'd have to have the stones to try something in a _private_ place, first."

"Hey!"

"Oh come on, admit it already. You like Ukyo. It's not like everybody can't see it."

Ryoga fidgeted. "Yeah, well… I had an idea about that."

Ranma's eyebrows shot up. "Oh, you _are_ admitting it! So what's the brilliant idea?"

"Ever heard of the powers of green ink?"

"No."

"There's an old legend that people can't help falling in love with you if you write them a love letter in green ink."

"Ryoga, that might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life…"

"Shut up, Ranma!"

"Wouldn't you have to have the nerve to give it to her?"

"I can leave it for her. It's a lot easier than trying to talk to her about it. I'll just write it out and leave it for her to find."

"All right, fine, but right now let's get to the changing rooms so I can change back into a guy."

"You're still a girl at heart, Saotome."

"Bite me, Piglet."

Ranma led him to the men's changing rooms, pointing to the proper door. "I'll come in and find you once I change," she said. She turned and wandered in the direction of the women's rooms, where Akane would be waiting. It was a nice place they'd found; an indoor pool and spa built around an onsen. Like any amusement park, there were plenty of things to do and places to eat. It was perfect for a mini vacation… especially in February, when there were no festivals to be found and parks were barely of any use.

Having Ukyo and Ryoga with them, Ranma was hoping something would happen. Anything. When two people like eachother, it's cute… at first. Now, they were passing that point, and moving into that stage where everyone around them mentally screams 'oh, just get together, already!' St. Valentine's Day wasn't far off, but after casually mentioning it to her, Ranma didn't think she'd make a move— she clammed up at the very idea. Ergo, the two of them were going to need some help, and this place was perfect for it.

If _this_ didn't work, Ranma swore she'd knock them out, strip them naked, and lock them in a room together.

She found Akane outside of the women's changing rooms, thermos in hand. Akane handed it to her. "Time to make you manly again," she said cheerfully. Ranma eyeballed her. "Yeah, you in that bathing suit definitely makes me want my man parts back," she replied. "Though I think a nice, tiny two-piece would suit you _much_ better."

"No way. I do _not_ have the body for that."

"That's a load. That crowd of a hundred guys that used to chase you around Furinkan were doing it for a reason."

"I'll tell you what, Ranma. You agree to wear one as a girl, and I'll get a matching one. How's that sound?"

Ranma grinned. "For that view, you bet. It doesn't really work when you have a pool and an onsen in the same place, though." She tugged on the hem of the shirt she was wearing. "Trunks and a shirt are the unisex alternative." She looked around. As the only person around them walked around a corner, she opened the thermos and dumped its contents over her head. She felt the transition, and in a moment, the male Ranma was back. He yanked his shirt up and off. "Won't be needing _that_ any more," he said with some satisfaction, as the headed back toward the men's area to retrieve Ryoga.

He stopped. "Oh, Akane… you ever heard anything about green ink having special powers?"

A few minutes later, the two of them, plus Ryoga and Ukyo, were relaxing in the onsen. Ranma hadn't meant to keep Ryoga from it; the lost boy had been stuck patiently sitting around while the three of them enjoyed the pool, after all. Ukyo hadn't wanted to get in if he couldn't join her; it took him almost a half hour to convince her that it was all right. Ranma glanced at them, not sitting too close and not making eye contact, each one slowly blushing. 'I may have wasted my time bringing them here,' he thought.

He had to blame Ukyo just a bit; she must have thought that a two-piece would help attract Ryoga, but in the end, he only seemed _more_ flustered. She was trying to attract the boy, while he _was_ attracted to her the whole time. He was too shy to tell her.

Ranma made a mental note to look up ink stores that sold green.

He snaked an arm around Akane, who leaned into him. She laid her hand on his, locking their fingers together as he kissed the top of her head. Ukyo rolled her eyes. "Hey, you two," she said playfully, "why don't you go get a room?"

"Yeah?" Ranma replied. "Why don't you two do what we're doing, and then it won't seem so weird." He snickered at the blush that rushed to both of their faces.

* * *

Ranma leaned against a support column looking out across the swimming pool where they'd been earlier. Akane walked up to him. "Shall we get back to Ryoga and Ukyo?" she asked. Ranma chuckled. "It's not like they need supervision or anything," he replied. "If anything, leaving them alone will let them..." He stopped, as a girl by the pool caught his eye. Or, more specifically, her hair did: purple hair, arranged in two buns with tails falling from each one. As she turned and he could see the side of her face; there was no doubt as to who he was looking at.

"Son of a bitch!" he growled, diving behind some decorative shrubbery. He reached up, grabbing Akane by the arm and yanking her down next to him. "Ow! Ranma!" she complained, landing hard on her knees. "What was that for?"

He pointed, and as she looked, her jaw dropped. "Shampoo?" she asked, sounding slightly afraid. "What is Shampoo doing here?" Ranma shook his head slowly. "I dunno," he replied. "I pray that she hasn't already figured out I'm still among the living. It's bad enough she's in Japan; she just had to pick the exact same onsen we picked."

Akane jumped. "Ukyo and Ryoga!"

"They never even met her, did they?"

"No, but we need to get to them before Shampoo does. We don't want one of them calling out for you where she might hear!"

Ranma frowned. "Damn it. You're right. I thought we were done with her for good…" He watched, as did Akane. Shampoo looked to be there to enjoy herself, so with any luck, she wasn't there looking for him.

"Saotome," a voice said behind him.

"Bah!" Ranma shouted, nearly jumping out of his skin and landing flat on his back. He looked up into the heavily-magnified eyes of Mousse, who knelt behind them. Jumping back to a kneeling position, he grabbed Mousse by the front of his robe. "What the hell are you doing here, Mousse?" he hissed. "You have a lot more at stake than I do!"

Mousse held his hands up in protest. "The old ghoul sent us to Japan for ingredients and Shampoo insisted that we come back to see Nerima! I couldn't talk her out of it!"

"_Please_ tell me that the old ghoul isn't here, too."

"No, no, she stayed behind."

"Thank the Kami…"

"She wanted to see all of the places we used to know… I talked her out of paying the Tendos a visit… I rushed her through everything and brought her here because I thought it would be a good way to avoid any of you. I had no idea you two come here!"

"How long are you going to be here?"

"We're in Tōkyō overnight and we're leaving first thing in the morning. I paid for a hotel in another ward to keep some distance from you guys."

"Ranma…" Akane said, tugging on his arm. He didn't notice.

"How'd you get here? Plane?"

Mousse soured. "No. We splashed in cold water, I flew all the way to Kagoshima from China with Shampoo hanging on, and we took the Shinkansen the rest of the way."

"_Ranma_," Akane said, tugging harder on his arm.

"What?" He followed her gaze, where she was still watching Shampoo. She was in the pool, and as he watched, she swam to the ladder and climbed out. He blinked. She was… swimming… and she wasn't a cat. There was no doubt about it. He'd been in that water earlier and it was certainly cold enough to change a cursed person's form.

"Mousse?"

"Yes?"

"You said you came here cursed, right?"

"Correct."

"So… you're not cured? How is Shampoo in a swimming pool and not turning into a cat?"

"Oh." Mousse reached into his robe, pulling out a small box. "Waterproof soap. We saw it in China. Some of the Chinese stores here in Tōkyō have it, too." He tossed the box to Ranma. "Here, you can have that, I've got more."

Ranma looked at the box; everything written on it was in Chinese. "So, what, you just wash in this and the cold water won't touch you?"

"Basically. You just have to make sure you cover yourself thoroughly. If you miss any spots, you'll still change."

Akane looked at them over her shoulder. "It's not permanent, though?"

Mousse shook his head. "Nah, it'll wash or sweat off after a while. You kind of have to use a lot of it."

"Is she going to be in the pool a while?" Ranma asked.

"I think so. She wanted to get a little exercise, and she doesn't care where I go, so…"

"Have you guys actually become a couple?" Akane asked.

Mousse slumped. "It's like this. Sometimes, I try to be nice by bringing her tea, or ramen, or flowers. At first, she'd kick it out of my hand and pound me for half an hour for bothering her. Now, she takes it from me without saying anything. Maybe, in another couple of months, she'll actually acknowledge me when I do something nice."

Ranma blinked. "Well, that's… romantic…"

The three of them turned back to the pool. Shampoo dove in. A flurry of soap suds burst to the surface, followed by a purple ball of fur, which paddled toward the side. Mousse shook his head. "I told her to use that when we first got here," he said. "She put it on when she bathed early this morning… and we've been walking around all day."

Ranma started to shiver. "Cat…" he mumbled, as Akane grabbed his arm. She pulled and they crawled in the direction they'd come. "Come on, Ranma," she said, "time to get back to Ryoga and Ukyo. Before you lose it." Mousse nodded to them as they crawled away.

Turning a corner, they stood and rushed back to the onsen, where Ryoga and Ukyo were still sitting. Ranma hopped in. "Hey, you guys," he said, "we really need to get out of here. _Now_." Ukyo looked at him, confused. "Why?" she asked.

"I'll explain later. Ryoga, you're about to be _real_ happy…"

* * *

Ukyo unlocked the door to the restaurant, and the four of them went in. They grabbed the chairs from atop a table and set them on the floor, sitting around it. "I hope my regulars didn't mind going somewhere else for lunch today," she said. "So then, if you're supposed to be married to that girl by Amazon law, and your dad promised you to both me _and_ Akane… you actually have _three_ fiancées?"

"Technically. There's actually a fourth one that wants to marry me, but she just up and decided that one day."

"Really? Who?"

"Kuno's sister."

"Is she as crazy as he is?"

"She might actually be a little worse," Akane said.

"And the Chinese boy and girl… they're cursed, too? There are five of you that are cursed?"

"There's probably hundreds, but yeah, five that we know of." Ranma reached into his pocket and pulled out the box with the bar of soap in it. "We need to make a point to look around for this stuff, Ryoga," he said. He looked at the box for a moment, and stood. "C'mon, Ryoga," he said, "let's find out if this stuff works." He grabbed Ryoga by the shirt and yanked him up, dragging him to the stairs.

They sprinted into the furoba, both of them tearing clothes off as they went. Ranma got to the shower first, throwing both taps on as he started scrubbing himself furiously. Ryoga jumped next to him. "Hurry up, Ranma!" he said impatiently, as Ranma continued to scrub. "Back up, Ryoga," Ranma replied flatly, not taking his attention away from scrubbing. "I do _not _want a naked guy to be that close to me. Especially when _I'm_ naked."

Finally, when he was certain that he'd covered every square inch of himself, he tossed the soap to Ryoga and darted under the shower to rinse the suds off. Ryoga started scrubbing like mad, and after a moment, he was also finished. They looked at eachother. "All right," Ranma said. "Let's try it." He turned the hot tap off, waited, and grabbed the shower. Bracing for the cold water, he held it over his head, the cold water chilling him.

He stood for a second. Nothing seemed to have changed… He looked down, and sure enough, things were they way they were supposed to be. He tossed the shower handle to Ryoga and slumped against the wall, smiling in relief. Ryoga doused himself, his eyes lighting up as he stayed in his regular form. "Ha!" he yelled, dropping the shower.

Ranma raced back to the outer bath and started scrambling into his clothes; after a moment, Ryoga made his way there and followed suit. Once Ranma finished dressing, he grabbed Ryoga, who was still struggling with his shirt, and dragged him out of the room and back to the stairs.

As they got back downstairs, the girls stood. "Well?" Ukyo asked. Ryoga swept her up in a hug, spinning her around the room. "It works!" he shouted ecstatically. "It works! It works! It works! I don't have to change into a stupid pig anymore! Ha! This is the greatest thing ever!"

Ranma stood next to Akane, watching the pair. She turned to him. "So it _does_ work?" she asked. He nodded. "A cold shower didn't change me, at least," he replied. "I'll have to find a body of water to hop in later to see if it'll keep me male if I swim. If nothing else, I'm safe from rain." He looked at the dancing pair. "Hey, Ukyo!" he called out. "Why don't you give him a kiss to celebrate?"

They stopped, realizing just how close they were acting. They darted apart, blushing furiously while Ranma giggled. He looked at Akane. "I'll test it as a girl, too," he said. "See if it'll keep me from changing into a guy with hot water. After all, sometimes being a girl can be handy."

"Like when?" Akane asked.

Ukyo smirked. "You're not planning on sneaking into women's onsens, are you, Ranma?" Akane gave him a sideways look. Ranma stepped back. "Hey, c'mon," he said defensively. "If I wanted to use my girl side to spy on girls, I'd be doing it already! I could walk into the girls' locker room any time I wanted to right now!" Akane rolled her eyes.

They headed for home a few minutes later. On the way, they came to the canal near their house. Ranma looked down at it… time to test the soap for real. Akane noticed him looking. "Are you going to jump in to test the soap?" she asked. Ranma nodded, slipping through a gap in the fence that surrounded it. He paused. "February," he said. "I'm going to freeze my stones off." Closing his eyes, he jumped in.

It took him half a second to spring back out of the water and make it to the street.

He stood, shivering and squeezing his arms around himself, while Akane let out a giggle. "You stayed a guy, at least," she said. Ranma nodded. "Worth it," he muttered through chattering teeth. "Totally… worth… it." He turned and started walking. "Bath."

Still, since he'd stayed a guy, it _was_ worth it…

* * *

That night, Ranma lay on their futon, while Akane finished putting on her pajamas. It had taken him an hour to thaw after the dip in the freezing canal, but he'd have done it again in a heartbeat just to stay a guy. Of course, part of the reason he'd taken a while to warm up was scrubbing under a cold shower to see how long it took for the soap to wear off. The answer: not very. If he ever went to the beach and planned on staying a guy, he'd need to bring a couple of bars. He'd already decided to go looking for a Chinese shop the next day.

He perched himself on an elbow. "Akane," he said. "Why do you bother putting pajamas on?"

"Huh? What do you mean 'why'? What am I supposed to sleep in?"

"Well… every night you put them on, and within five minutes I have them off again. Seems like a waste of time to me."

Akane paused. "Force of habit, I guess."

"Maybe I should buy you some tiny nightgowns or something."

Akane smirked. "Couldn't hurt." She turned the lamp off and climbed in bed next to him. He put an arm around her. "So," he said, "Ryoga sort-of admitted he has feelings for Ukyo earlier. That's what that green ink legend was about; Ryoga was asking me about it." Akane looked thoughtful. "Do you think he'll go through with it?" she asked.

"I'm not sure, but if he starts stumbling, we'd better try to help. This too-shy stuff is getting old."

"Does he have a of plan?"

"I think he's just going to write the note and leave it for her."

"You'd better help him, then. He might get lost and put it somewhere she won't find it."

"Yeah, you're probably right." He tugged at the hem of her top. "Now, about not needing pajamas…"

* * *

Monday morning found Ranma and Akane meeting Ukyo and Ryoga at the gates to Furinkan. Ranma immediately pulled Ryoga aside. "Ryoga," he said quietly, "did you ever do anything with that green ink idea? Because if you're going to leave her a letter, I think you ought to let me or Akane help so you don't put it somewhere she won't find it." As he finished speaking, he noticed that Ryoga was sweating a lot more than the weather would be responsible for. He squinted at the boy. "You look nervous," he said flatly. "Have you done something already?"

Ryoga reddened a bit. "I wrote her a note and left it for her to find."

"Where'd you leave it? You're certain you didn't get lost and put it somewhere no one could ever find it?"

Ryoga nodded emphatically. "I'm sure. I put it in her school bag this morning when she was getting ready."

Ranma looked past him to where Akane and Ukyo were already going in. He motion to Ryoga. "Let's get inside," he said. "We'll see what happens when it happens. I think your chances are pretty good, though."

A few minutes later, the four of them were in their first class. Ukyo was a few seats behind Ranma in the next row over, so he found himself having to peek without her noticing he was watching. Reaching over, he tapped Akane on the arm. Motioning for her to lean close, he whispered. "Ryoga wrote her a love note and put it in her bag," he said. She lit up, while he gave her arm a pat. "Don't show your excitement," he continued. "Don't make her think anything is up."

Going back to his peeking, he saw her set her bag in her lap and start to open it. He looked past her to Ryoga, who was right behind her, red as a beet. As she looked in her bag, a confused look crossed her face as she looked at something inside. Ranma quickly turned his eyes back front. He didn't want her to look up and see him watching, after all.

At that moment, however, the teacher starting calling roll. Ranma rolled his eyes. This was going to get dragged out.

Thanks to the rush between classes, lunch was their earliest chance for free time. As the group left their last class before lunch, Ukyo pulled the note out. It was in an envelope with her name written on it. In green ink. Ranma immediately grabbed hold of Ryoga's arm, holding him back, so that Akane and Ukyo walked ahead of them. Ukyo looked at the envelope, turning it so that Akane could see. "What do you suppose it is?" she asked.

"Green ink?" Akane replied with a smirk. "A love note would be my guess." Ukyo snapped her head around and looked directly at Ryoga, and both of them blushed. She looked away and quickened her pace. "Let's get out there quick so I can get my grill out and get everyone served," she said. "I want some time before lunch is over to…" Ranma waved a hand dismissively. "Worry about reading," he said. "People can go a day without okonomiyaki." Ukyo merely nodded.

When they made it outside, Ukyo made a beeline for a tree far away from most of the students, with Akane following. Ranma stopped Ryoga. "Give her a minute to read it," he said. "Let's wait here and watch." Ryoga nodded, while Ranma studied the boy. He didn't think he'd ever seen another human so nervous in his entire life. He hoped he'd never acted like that around Akane. He knew he probably had, at least after they'd kissed. When he was flirting with her, she didn't seem to like him, so there wasn't any pressure. When she _did_ start to like him, though… Of course, since that had come with their first kiss, there wasn't much to be nervous about.

At least he felt confident that he'd look cooler nervous than Ryoga did.

They stood in silence. While Ranma didn't have anything riding on it, he was still on edge. It was hard not to be; in fact, it was pretty exciting. The other two people in their group were about to become a couple, after all. There wouldn't be any more separate friend time and date time, since they could double date. He didn't have much doubt that Ryoga's letter would be well received; what was really in question was how Ukyo would react to Ryoga's undoubtedly corny prose. (Assuming it even was prose; for all he knew, Ryoga had made a lame attempt at poetry.)

They watched as Ukyo and Akane sat. Ukyo slowly opened the envelope. She pulled a piece of paper from inside it and started reading. "Ryoga," Ranma said without taking his eyes off of the girls. "Just what _did_ you put in that letter?"

"Not very much. I couldn't think of anything good. I just told her that she made me happy and I thought she would make a great wife. And that she's a great person and a really good cook. And an amazing martial artist."

Ranma nodded. "In that case… I think you did alright."

Akane stretched to read over Ukyo's shoulder. After a moment, she cracked a smile. Ukyo set the paper down, closing her eyes while a smile crept onto her face. Ranma chuckled; it at least hadn't been corny enough for her to laugh. If he'd have put money on the whole thing, that would have been the reaction he'd have expected. He grabbed Ryoga's arm and started leading him out to the girls. When they reached them, Akane jumped up to stand with Ranma, while Ryoga knelt by Ukyo.

"Ukyo?" he said quietly, as he started to tremble. "Do you… I mean, I… If you don't feel…" He nervously ran a hand through his hair. Ukyo opened her eyes, looked at him serenely for a moment, before taking his head in her hands. In front of everyone, she pulled him close and put her lips to his.

Ranma gave Akane's arm a tug. "We should leave them alone," he whispered. She nodded and they crept away. Ranma glanced back to see Ukyo release the boy, who looked ready to fall over with shock. She giggled as she moved next to him. Ranma directed his attention back to the school as they made it inside.

"Akane?"

"Hm?"

"How was the letter?"

Akane grinned. "He said the right things."

"Are you wishing I wrote you letters like that? I'm not very good at that kind of stuff. The best I could do would be copying song lyrics from some song I didn't write."

She took his hand as they walked. "You show me how you feel all the time."

* * *

_A/N: I spent a great deal of time hacking at this so that it wasn't too WAFFy. I know I didn't totally succeed. Couldn't be helped. The very storyline was WAFF city. Are you wondering what happened to Mousse and Shampoo? They went back to China, though we'll hear from them at least once more._

_I have to admit that I made a couple of factual inaccuracies in the last few chapters:_

_1) I called borax poison. Actually, to quote Wikipedia: "Borax, sodium tetraborate decahydrate, is not acutely toxic… Ingestion may cause gastrointestinal distress including nausea, persistent vomiting, abdominal pain, and diarrhea." Holy frickin' crap, I stumbled upon what Akane has actually been adding to her recipes this whole time._

_2) Back when Ukyo showed up, I had Kuno flatly reject her. Well, I went back through the anime, and watched an episode called "Ukyo's Skirt! The Great Girly-Girl Gambit." In it, Ukyo tries to become more girly; AFAIK it's not based upon anything in the manga. Well, when Kuno sees Ukyo, he holds up two bouquets, one each for Akane and the pigtailed girl. Then, he holds up two more, _both_ for Ukyo. Ergo… he might have taken her. Oh, well. We'll just have to assume he wouldn't feel the same way if she weren't in a girls' school uniform._


	19. Weaker than a Frenchman

_A/N: I take way too long to finish these chapters. Aside from having three stories going at once, now that FFNet has added the cover photo option, I'm working on making some. I'm rendering them in a program called POV-Ray. If you haven't heard of it, don't worry about it; if you have, you know how long it's liable to take me._

_I got writer's-blocked on this chapter, which in turn slowed me down on my other stories. The good news is, I overcame that by alternating between new chapters, so if you follow my other two stories, their new chapter will be coming very shortly (i.e., as I'm writing this, the next chapter to Ranma-Baby is finished)._

_You see, I seriously considered skipping this arc, because I didn't change all that much. When I started this story, I was very afraid that some of this story would end up with Ranma just converted into a Mary-Sue character. I've tried to avoid going too far in that direction, but this chapter really does just that. I couldn't help it; if I skipped over this chapter, you wouldn't see Ranma learning the Hiryū Shōten Ha, and I didn't think it would work to say, 'Oh, Ranma learned that between chapters, and you didn't read about it'. So, here it is._

_The good news is, I already know what I'm going to do with the next arc, and it's going to be much more creative than this chapter has been. So, if you hate this, the next one should be much better, and not take so long._

* * *

Ranma strolled down the street, munching on an octopus puff. He had a little time to kill, since he'd already trained for an hour after school, and Akane was off with her friends. He wasn't sure what they were doing; all he knew was that is didn't involve lesbian experimentation. He knew that because he'd asked and got smacked for doing so.

He stopped as he heard a chorus of screams behind him. "Is it something I'm already involved with," he muttered, "or something I'm about to get dragged into?" Some of the women's screams became clearer as they approached. "Panty thief!" one screamed.

Ranma sighed. "Of course," he said.

He turned the corner and hid behind the nearest wall. The old freak had a point of tossing his stash to him whenever they met during a chase, and he didn't need the women blaming _him_. He heard the crowd running close, and right as they approached, he tossed the octopus puff he was holding out into the street. "Catch!" he shouted. Happosai appeared, just in time to grab the treat mid-jump. As a result, he slowed himself enough that the women caught him. Ranma walked away, chuckling as the women beat him mercilessly.

* * *

Ranma and the rest of the family sat at dinner. A shout signaled Happosai's arrival. "Ranma!" he called out. "Where are you?!" A moment later, the old man appeared at the doorway, while Ranma rolled his eyes. "You had it coming," he said flatly. Happosai leaped. "For stealing my moment of happiness," he yelled, "you shall pay!" He flung something with his pipe, which Ranma caught in his chopsticks.

"What is…" he began, before Happosai jumped onto his back, hitting him right between the shoulder blades with the pipe. Ranma jumped up. "Hot!" he yelled, kicking the old man off into the distance. He sat back down, rubbing his back. "Old freak," he muttered. "Ouch." The burn lingered, but nothing else seemed wrong. He went back to eating.

* * *

The next morning, Ranma and Akane were getting ready for school. Ranma cringed as he pulled a clean undershirt on. "Still burns like VD," he muttered. Akane looked concerned. She tugged his shirt up. "He left a decent mark," she said. She squinted at it. "It's kanji," she continued. "Hin. Anemic." Ranma pulled his shirt down. "It's a spell or something," he said. "His usual tricks. We'll have to wait and see what he did, and I sure hope it's not too hard to deal with."

An hour later, the two of them were walking by the canal, hurrying to school. Ranma was thinking of what the symbol on his back could mean. "Hin. Bin. Mazu-shii," he muttered. "Could be anemic, poor, poverty. Depends on what word it's in. He could've done about anything. Or… it could mean nothing. He might have done it on purpose just to mess with my head. Freak."

They were interrupted by a familiar voice. "Saotome!" Kuno's voice echoed from ahead of them. "Prepare yourself!" Ranma rolled his eyes; Kuno was more of a nuisance than anything else. Really— Akane had told him dozens of times that she didn't want him, and he still insisted that beating Ranma would somehow win her over. It was like talking to a brick.

Ranma jumped as Kuno reached them, planting a foot in the boy's face. "Go away, Kuno," he muttered. As soon as he landed, however, he got a hard smack on the head, courtesy of Kuno's bokken. "You call that a kick?" the boy said. "I barely felt it." Ranma was confused— usually, Kuno could be dropped with almost no effort. How was he still standing? Ranma responded with an uppercut to Kuno's chin, but to his surprise, Kuno's face stopped his fist dead. He barely had time to react before Kuno's bokken came down on his head a second time, and everything went black.

He awoke a second later, finding Akane kneeling over him. "What happened?" she asked, a bit frantic. "How could he beat you so easy? You never leave him standing!" Ranma sat up, doing his best to recollect what had just happened. "I hit him in the chin," he said, "and he didn't move. He couldn't just be stronger, because I still would have sent him flying, even if it didn't hurt him. He'd have to way a thousand pounds for my fist to stop like that. But… it didn't hurt me when I hit him, either."

"You hit him as hard as you usually do, didn't you?"

"I _thought_ I did."

"Maybe it has something to do with Happosai."

Ranma blanched. "You don't think…" He jumped to his feet. "Hold your hand out." Akane did, and Ranma stood back and swung, punching her outstretched hand. He didn't want to hurt her, so he only put about half his strength into it. "How was that?" he asked.

"Were you trying to hit hard?"

Ranma frowned. He swung again, this time putting all of his strength behind it. She caught his hand. Ranma sighed. "That wasn't any better, was it?"

"No. Just how hard were you punching?"

"That was all of my strength."

Akane looked alarmed. "We're going to see Doctor Tofu!" she said, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him away.

A few minutes later, they were in the doctor's office. The first thing they did was show him the mark on Ranma's back. Tofu shook his head. "I know that mark," he said. "The ultimate weakness moxibustion. I thought that technique died a hundred years ago."

Akane was hopeful. "Can you cure it?" she asked. Tofu shook his head. "There's no known cure," he replied.

Ranma slumped. Akane wrapped her arms around him, and he stood from the table. "Let's go back home," he said. "No point in going to school where I can't fight off anybody that would come after me. Or you. We'll think of something later." Akane nodded, and they headed out.

When they got back to the house, the news there wasn't any better. They'd barely gotten in when the phone rang. It was Ukyo, telling them that someone had blanketed the school with fliers, reading "RANMA'S WEAK!", and both Kuno and his father seemed ready to use it to their advantage. Ranma sat on the stairs. "I don't even know where to start looking," he said. "If Doctor Tofu doesn't know of a cure, I can't imagine who would."

They heard humming coming from outside, in a familiar elderly voice. Akane darkened and raced toward the door, with Ranma behind her. The found Happosai outside, ironing. Akane, reddening with anger, raced toward him, pulling her hammer and bringing it down. He dodged just in time, as her hammer smashed the ironing board to dust. "Tell me how to cure him!" she screamed.

The noise brought Soun and Kasumi running. "What's going on out here?" Soun asked. Akane spun around. "That old freak took Ranma's strength away!" Akane growled. "He's so weak he can barely swat a fly!" In a flash, Soun was on top of the old man, his hands at his throat. "How dare you do such a thing to the heir of the Tendo dojo!" he cried. "Cure him _now!"_

Happosai rolled his eyes. "Have you forgotten who I am?" he asked. "Have I ever once learned a technique that was helpful to anyone?"

"Then the cure?"

"I have no idea."

Akane sent him flying with her mallet. Ranma shook his head. "Akane," he said. "You might as well go to school. I can't go anywhere near that place until I figure something out. There's got to be some way to counteract this. We'll just have to look for it later."

He walked her to the gate. She gave him a kiss. "Don't sit around worrying," she said. "I'm sure we'll figure out something." He nodded, but wasn't particularly reassured.

* * *

After school, Ranma and Akane sat with Tofu and Genma in a tiny room in the back of Tofu's clinic. The room was an archive of sorts; shelves of musty old books and stacks of paper ran floor-to-ceiling. Ranma shuffled through a stack of papers; they were all medical documents that he didn't remotely understand. Unfortunately, none of them said anything about curing weakness or the weakness moxibustion. He jumped at the sound of Tofu's voice.

"Wait a minute," Tofu said. "I might have something here." The others stopped what they were doing and looked over his shoulder. He was holding a book that appeared to catalog strange and unusual medical techniques, giving locations for where literature or instructors in the technique could be found. He pointed to the middle of the page. "This lists the location of a chart pinpointing the location of the ultimate weakness moxibustion point," he explained. "It sounds like it's at a very remote location."

Ranma stood. "Only chance I have," he said. "C'mon, Akane, we have a trip to make. We'll stop by Uuchan's and see if she and Ryoga want to come with us."

* * *

The temple they were looking for wasn't easy to find. It was buried in the mountains to the north; the four of them spent an hour on a train, only to need another couple of hours hiking until they reached it. Ranma was already worrying that the other three would get back so late that they'd be zombies at school the next day. Finally, they broke through the forest into an area of farmers' fields, and at the opposite end, they saw the temple.

Inside they were met by a monk who couldn't have been younger than one hundred. When they told him what they sought, he appeared to panic. Tears ran from his eyes. "Tragically," he said, "the chart is no longer here. A hundred years ago, a thief broke into this temple… and stole it!"

Ranma slumped. Akane put her hands on his shoulders. "It's okay," she said. "I'm sure there's another way to…"

The monk jumped. "Don't give up yet! Here!" He held out a piece of paper. "A clue to the chart's location!"

The four of them squinted at it. "Oh, my darling monk," Akane read. Ukyo leaned over. "I do so look forward," she said, "to our next rendezvous?" The monk grabbed the paper, chuckling nervously. "Wrong paper!" he cried. "You shouldn't be reading that! No no!"

Ranma squinted at him. "Where's the _right_ one?" he asked, more than a little irritated. The old man held up something different: a wanted poster. And the face on it looked awfully familiar to all four of them.

"Happosai?"

* * *

Ranma peeked from around the corner of the house. Happosai was close by, in the washitsu. Between his position outside, and Akane's position inside, they had him cornered for sure. He crept up to the doorway to the engawa; Kasumi was burning garbage, and he made a point to keep out of sight. If she spotted him, she'd at least look his way, and the old man would know to look. He needed the element of surprise on his side.

He listened closely. "Grandpa Happosai," Kasumi said, "if you have any trash, I can burn it with this pile." Ranma brightened— if there was any time that the old man would go through his own things, which might otherwise have been hidden, it was right at that moment. He heard some shuffling. "Hmm," Happosai said, "what's this? Oh, well. If I don't remember, I must not need it." A moment later, a paper airplane sailed out through the doorway. Ranma got a look at it— he clearly saw part of the figure of a human body. A moxibustion chart! He leaped, grabbing it out of midair.

Suddenly, Happosai's pipe landed on his face and sent him spinning; he hit a tree and landed on the ground. The old man caught the chart and peered at it. "I _do_ have the chart," he mused. Ranma jumped and grabbed for it, and missed by a mile. Happosai stuck his tongue out, holding the paper up as if to taunt him.

Ranma remembered his secret weapon for dealing with the old man. Stepping back toward the koi pond, he dipped a hand in and splashed his face. After a moment, he felt the transition. Now a girl, she opened her shirt, immediately attracting the old man's attention. Happosai leaped.

The old man latched on, and Ranma swung at him. Unfortunately, she'd momentarily forgotten about her weakened state, at her punch into Happosai's head proved useless. The old man got a good squeeze and hopped down. "I definitely like the weakened you better," he said smugly. He held out the chart. "Good luck getting this!" he called, bouncing away. Akane walked out from the house, as Ranma stood in thought.

"All right," she said. "Good news. There's a chart that we can cure this with. I don't know how we're going to get it, but at least we know there is one. We just need a plan."

Akane shrugged. "Maybe _I_ can take it from him."

Ranma shook her head. "I doubt it. You're a great martial artist, but he's better than both of us combined. He's probably got eighty years of practice on us."

They were startled by a yell. "Ranma!" Genma called from the house. She spun around as Genma hurried out to them. "I have an idea," he said. "There is a valley where the rocks are supposed to have a therapeutic effect. It's called the Yomogi Valley. We have to take a training trip there right away."

Ranma shrugged. "Even if it won't fix it for good," she replied, "the old man has a moxibustion chart. If we can get it from him, we can fix this. Might as well see if that valley can get me strong enough to get that chart."

Akane nodded. "Ukyo and Ryoga will want to go. They can help you train." Ranma nodded.

* * *

Ranma lay with a steaming boulder on his back. He struggled to raise himself, as Genma watched on nearby, and Akane, Ukyo, and Ryoga watched from a bit further back. "The moxa rocks," Genma explained, "are said to cure all ailments. Monkeys' backaches. Bears' sprained ankles. Deer's childbirth troubles. You must endure if you wish to be strong."

Ranma glared. Bears' sprained ankles? Really? He growled, finding enough strength to lift the boulder. "Moron," he spat. "You really believed that bullsh…" Genma started to cheer him on, only to stop abruptly as Ranma's legs gave out, and he crashed to the ground. Genma shook his head as the others rolled the boulder off. He suddenly looked inspired. "Ranma," he said. "There may be one way."

"I'm afraid to ask. What's your plan?"

"It's a very difficult move, Ranma. Are you sure you're up to it?"

"I have to be. I need my strength back."

"Very well. This is the ultimate skill of the School of Indiscriminate Grappling. It's called… the Crouch of the Wild Tiger."

Ranma was uplifted. It _sounded_ fairly dangerous. Genma knelt and patted the ground next to him. As Ranma knelt, Genma held his hands out in front of him. "Ready?" he asked. Ranma nodded. Genma slapped his palms to the ground. "Both palms on the earth!" he shouted. "Face your opponent, and…" He began bowing repeatedly. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Ranma slowly turned to look at his father, staring silently for a couple of seconds, before he jumped to his feet and kicked his father in the head, only to trip and fall on his face. In his anger, he'd completely forgotten about his weakness. Again. He grumpily pulled himself to his feet. "Moron," he muttered, partly to his father and partly to himself.

By then, Ukyo had set up a griddle on the campfire, and was working on lunch. The others sat nearby. Ranma rested his head in his hands. "I'm not going to take the old man physically," he said. "Not like this. We need a way to trick him."

Akane rubbed her chin. "We get his attention by making out as girls," she mused. "Maybe we can figure out something with Ukyo. You mind showing a little skin to help Ranma get his strength back?"

Ukyo shrugged. "Why not?"

"Ranma!" Genma shouted. "You are a _boy!_ Stop making yourself up like a girl!"

Ranma didn't look at him. "Can somebody hit him please?" he asked.

_Klong!_ Ukyo's spatula hit Genma in the side of the head.

"Thanks." He thought for a moment. "That might work for all four of us," he said. "If Ryoga changes to a pig, he might be able to sneak in somewhere while the old freak is distracted. We can put on some kind of show— I dunno, put on bikinis and have a water balloon fight, or volleyball game, or… something. Whatever might distract him long enough."

"Is this just to distract the old man," Ukyo said, "or for _your_ enjoyment, too?"

"Me and Akane share a room. Enough said. Now, while we're distracting the old man, Ryoga can grab the chart. Assuming we can figure out beforehand where he keeps the damn thing. It ain't the greatest plan, but it might work—"

A voice interrupted them. "Smells good!"

They turned to see Doctor Tofu emerge from the woods, with Kasumi directly behind him. "Ranma," Tofu said. "I thought of a maneuver that you may be able to use, even in your current state. I figured I'd come and find you." He and Kasumi sat. "I actually know about this because someone's less-than-brilliant plan backfired. Do you remember when Shampoo worked for me and stayed at the clinic? After she left, I noticed that a couple of my books had been defaced. Books on foreign cultures and societies. Pages were torn out.

"I had no doubt that Shampoo was responsible, and it made me think that the missing pages contained secrets of the Amazons. So, I found new copies of the books and studied the pages in question. I had to learn this technique through trial-and-error; the description in the book was rather vague." He shook his head. "The book didn't even say it was an Amazon technique, just something that the author had seen in China. It was a big, thick book; if she hadn't torn those pages out, I never would have found it."

After everyone ate, Tofu prepared to teach. "This technique uses an opponent's battle aura against them," he explained. "Let me demonstrate. Come at me, Ranma. The stronger the opponent, the stronger the blast, so right now I know that I won't hit you hard with it. The rest of you, don't stay too close."

Ranma nodded. He stood, squared off for a moment, and charged. He swung like he would in a real battle, knowing full well that, even if he landed a hit, it wouldn't have any effect. Tofu merely knocked Ranma's strikes away, but as he did, he kept moving. Ranma was sure that Tofu's movements had something to do with the technique, but he couldn't tell exactly what the doctor was doing. Suddenly, everything went white, a deafening roar filling his ears. He felt himself flying high in the air; by the time his vision cleared, he was easily fifty feet in the air and plummeting back toward the earth. He landed flat on his back with a thud, about a hundred feet from where he'd started, right in front of Akane. "Ranma!" she cried, startled. "Are you okay?" He held up a thumbs-up, barely moving otherwise. Hints of smoke rose from his hair.

Tofu climbed out of the crater he now stood in, dusting himself off. "You had more of an aura than I'd expected," he said. "Still, that was about five percent of a full blast from this technique." Ranma dragged himself to his feet. "That was _five percent?" _he asked."Teach me. Please."

Tofu nodded. "What did I appear to be doing while you were attacking me?"

"Well… you weren't fighting back. That was the biggest thing I noticed. All you did was block everything I threw your way. I think we were going in a circle."

"It was more than a circle, Ranma. Could you tell how I moved?"

"You kept dodging back. I guess if we were turning in a circle… It was a spiral, wasn't it?"

"That's right. I was leading you in toward the center. What happened when you reached the center?"

"Everything went white. If you did something to spark it, I sure didn't see it."

"That's fine. Mastering the spiral is the first part to learn. It's not as easy as it sounds. Let's get to that right away. Mister Saotome, Akane, Ukyo, Ryoga? Can I speak to you all for a minute?"

Ranma watched in confusion as the group of them huddled together. After a moment, they stopped and Tofu approached him. He drew a spiral on the ground. "Ranma," he said, "your goal is simple. Stick to the spiral. I have something to help." He turned to his things, and pulled out a pan of white powder. "Chalk," he explained. "Rub this on your shoes, and you'll be able to tell where you've stepped."

"Is sticking to a spiral really that difficult?"

"It can be. You'll understand in a moment."

Genma, Akane, Ukyo, and Ryoga surrounded Ranma at the outside of the spiral, as Ranma stepped to the end of it. He looked at them. "Are you guys going to attack me or something?" he asked. Genma reached into his gi. "I am," he said. "Forgive me, Ranma. Your old man doesn't _want_ to be an ogre, but…" He pulled out a photo of Ranma, as a child, crying in front of a wet blanket drying on a clothesline. "Ranma, at age seven!" he boomed. "Wetting his bed!"

Ranma jumped. "Are you kidding me?!" he shouted, jumping and grabbing for the photo, only to be easily shoved aside by his father. Genma tossed the picture to Ukyo and Akane. Ukyo burst into hysterical laughter, while Akane opted for a more-subdued fit of giggles. Ranma stopped and stared. "Akane!" he whined. She shook her head. "Sorry, sorry," she gasped between chuckles.

Genma pulled out another photo. "More recent!" he shouted. As he held the photo up, Ranma clearly saw that it was a picture of himself, naked, outside the Tendo house, running from a cat. He had no memory of when the photo was taken, but with his cat phobia, that wasn't unusual. Genma thrust the new photo at the girls. Ukyo looked, reddened, and turned away. "Hey!" she said, shielding her eyes. "I _have_ a guy! I don't want to see that!" Genma thrust the photo at Akane, who looked, then gave Genma a quizzical look. "Just where do you think he'd been naked when he saw the cat?" she asked.

Ranma snatched the photo. "You asshole!" he shouted, before Tofu grabbed his arm. The doctor pointed to the ground. "Ranma," he said, "you failed at your objective. Look."

Ranma looked down, where his chalked footprints pointed and led in all directions. He slumped. "_That's_ the hard part of the spiral. Sticking to it in light of attackers."

"That's right. You can't be distracted. You mustn't be embarrassed, or angry. The secret to the Heaven's Blast is a soul of ice. Without it, you cannot perform this move."

Ranma nodded. "Alright. Fine, old man. Use as many pictures as you want."

* * *

The next morning, Tofu addressed the group at breakfast. "There's something very important about the next phase of training for Ranma," he said. "Ranma needs a training partner that will not hold back. Ranma, it must be someone that _you_ would be willing to release the Heaven's Blast on. I have a hard time picturing you unleashing it on Akane, or likely Ukyo, either."

Ranma nodded. Ryoga looked at him. "I can do it," he said. Tofu turned to him. "Ryoga," he said. "The Heaven's Blast is _very_ powerful, even well below its full potential. Are you sure you're willing to step into that?" Ryoga scoffed. "I can take it," was his simple reply.

A few minutes later, they were set up next to a nearby hot spring, where Tofu had drawn a circle on the ground. He also held some sort of suit, with chains on the outside. He handed it to Ranma. "Put this on," he said. "Now that you've mastered the soul of ice, you need to master the next step— the body of ice. This suit is going to help you do that."

Ranma finished pulling the suit on. Just as he finished, Tofu scooped a handful of hot water from the spring and tossed it on him. Instantly, the chains pulled tight, yanking his feet against the backs of his thighs and slamming his arms to his sides. He landed roughly on the ground, while the chains slowly started to loosen.

"Those chains are memory metal," Tofu explained. "They react to the slightest amount of heat. You'll have to maintain a body of ice in order to stay on your feet." Ranma straightened, and squared off against Ryoga. Ryoga charged, and he started moving as Tofu had taught him— with each strike by Ryoga, he simply dodged and kept moving back and sideways, stepping in a spiral and pulling his opponent toward the center. After a moment of this, Tofu darted in and grabbed Ryoga by the arm.

"You're not fighting for real, Ryoga," he said. "This technique uses an opponent's battle aura. You have to fight for real, or Ranma won't be able to perform it. So far, it's just been a spiral dance lesson."

"What's the problem, Ryoga?"

"I don't know. I didn't think I was holding back. Maybe it's because you're weak."

"Aw, come on Ryoga. You're a pig because of me. You have to have some lingering anger _somewhere_."

"Uh…"

"So, how's your mom doing? She still good in the sack?"

Ryoga stared blankly. Ranma frowned.

"So how about you let me borrow Uuchan one of these days. I could use a little variety at night."

"Hey!" Ukyo and Akane shouted in unison. Ranma shrugged innocently and pointed at Ryoga.

The boy started to tear up. "I can't bear to hit someone, knowing they're weak. I'm sorry, Ranma!" He turned and ran away from the group.

Ranma slumped. "Fine," he said. "Who else can we possibly use?"

"What about Doctor Tofu?" Ukyo asked.

"I can't risk injuring the doctor and person training me!"

Everyone paused for a moment, trying to think of a way to keep training. Ranma immediately thought of his father, but he wasn't sure that the old man actually had enough of an aura to work with. For possibly the first time ever, Kuno could have actually helped the situation.

He was startled as a ball of fire flew past his face. Backing up, he was confronted by Akane, whose hands were ablaze. Or, more specifically, she was wearing some kind of gloves that were burning. She held her hands up. "These gloves will provide the heat," she said, beaming. "Good idea, huh?"

Ranma shrugged. "Seems dangerous, but alright." Akane swung, but as she did, the flames moved far enough to catch her sleeve above the glove. She stopped abruptly as the arm of her gi started to burn, then yelled and ran, jumping into the hot spring. A moment later, she surfaced and crawled out, her face blackened and her gi top destroyed. She angrily threw the gloves off and tossed her burned top aside. "It _seemed_ like a good idea," she muttered weakly.

Ranma took his shirt off and put it over her shoulders. He chuckled. "For crying out loud, Akane," he said, "you could have just fought me. You have plenty of battle aura. The problem was that I didn't want to unleash the Heaven's Blast on you, remember?"

"You think I can't take it?"

"No, you could take it, I just don't want to use it on you. You're my fiancée after all. I can't even _imagine_ hitting you!"

She gave him a severe look. "You have to! Don't you realize what _I_ have at stake here? I need you strong! We have a dojo to run together! You promised me that we'd get married and teach together, and I expect you to keep your promises!"

"What are you saying?"

"Train with me! Quit worrying that you'll hurt me! If I'm so weak, I won't have that much battle aura to work with, anyway!"

"Akane, your battle aura is insane. You could burn a house down with it. That's exactly why I'm afraid of hurting you."

She stared at him expectantly.

He sighed. "Fine. You're right; I owe it to you to fix this. But the minute I set this thing off, I'm never using it on you again. Got it?"

Joyful, Akane jumped to her feet and squared off. Ranma slowly rose, dreading having to fight her. Still, she had a point. He was supposed to be spending the rest of his life with her; he knew that he should accept her help. Besides, she _was_ tough, tougher than any other woman he knew. There probably wasn't anything to worry about. Maybe. Hopefully.

He took a stance, and she charged. She did fight full-out, but with the inherent weakness of her usual style— her punches and kicks had a lot of strength, but not much speed. He dodged her easily, while concentrating on his footsteps. As they spun around, he saw that the others were watching from the side. With another few steps, Ranma made it to the center of the spiral he was making. "What now?!" he shouted out to Doctor Tofu.

"Uppercut like a corkscrew!" came the reply. Ranma made a fist and brought it up, making sure that he wouldn't actually hit Akane in the process.

_Crack!_

There was a flash of white, and he found himself flat on his back, in a small crater that hadn't been there a moment before. He sat up groggily, looking at the smoke that rose from various parts of him. Then, he jumped. "Akane!" he yelled out, frightened.

"Waaaaaahhhhh!" With a yell, Akane plummeted down and landed in the hot spring, flat on her back like a German Olympic diver. He jumped up and rushed to the edge, but she was already climbing out. Her clothes were torn to shreds.

He yanked her close and started looking her over, fearing that he'd surely hurt her. She pushed him away. "I'm fine," she complained, though she sounded rather weary. Ranma dragged her to her feet. "_You're_ getting some rest," he said. "C'mon Ryoga. I ain't defenseless anymore. You don't have any reason to feel bad about fighting me. Now get in here and help me practice."

A few hours later, everyone sat around the campfire as Ukyo and Kasumi worked on dinner. Everyone, that is, except Ryoga, who was sleeping in his tent, recovering. The Heaven's Blast ended up being a good bit stronger with him, and he'd been out like a light since he landed. Akane stretched her arms and winced. Ranma looked on, worried. "Are you sure I didn't hurt you?" he asked.

She rolled her eyes. "_Yes_. I'm just a little sore, is all."

He nodded. Fortunately, her soreness was sufficient to keep her from helping with the cooking. She'd do alright if a close eye was kept on her; if they didn't watch her like a hawk, she'd mix up an ingredient or two. She was getting better about it, but very slowly. Considering all the work they'd done earlier, he'd rather have relaxed than concentrated on what she was doing, so her choice to leave the cooking to the others meant that he could unwind.

Besides… Akane had promised a private soak in the hot spring later on, and he was sure that a different kind of fireworks would follow in their tent. Assuming she wasn't too sore, of course.

He heard a noise, and looked to see Ryoga crawling out of his tent. He was still wearing his clothes from before, which were ripped apart. "Hey, Ryoga," Akane said. "How are you feeling?"

"Been better," he muttered, then collapsed.

Ranma shrugged. "Guess I'm strong enough to face the old man," he said.

* * *

Ranma peeked around a corner, listening to the shrieks that he heard in the distance. "Underwear thief!" he heard a woman's voice scream. He waited as he heard the crowd approaching. A moment later, Happosai darted past, a large bundle on his back. Ranma leaped, grabbing the bundle and yanking on the sheet that covered it. Underwear spilled all over the road, and the crowd of angry women quickly caught them. Ranma hopped atop the nearest wall as the mob of women pounded the old man to a pulp.

He was starting his next fight the same way that the whole situation had started. He chuckled at the irony.

As the women collected their items and left, the battered Happosai looked up at him, his face twisted in anger. "Ranma…" he growled, as Ranma simply looked down at him with a smirk. "I got my strength back," Ranma said. "C'mon. Let's see you pull that moxibustion stuff a second time."

Happosai lunged, and Ranma started his spiral, dodging the old man's strikes as he moved. After a minute, Ranma took the final step to reach the center of the spiral. With a yell, he uppercut hard, but stood in confusion as nothing happened. He looked around, and realized Happosai wasn't in front of him anymore. Looking further, he saw what had distracted the old man— a woman undressing in a window.

He jumped up and stood behind Happosai. "You ran away?" he taunted. "Really? You don't think you can win, so you run off to escape defeat? And you call yourself a martial artist?" He furrowed his brow; the insults didn't seem to be affecting the old man. He needed to get him angry again. He reached forward and smacked the window with an open palm. "Peeping tom!" he yelled, diving away. A moment later, the window opened and the woman inside sent Happosai flying.

Ranma ran down the street in the direction that Happosai had flown, encountering him after just a moment. Happosai glared at him. "Cruel youth!" the old man huffed. "To rob a poor old man of one of his only joys!"

"You don't like it? Attack me. I'd like to see you get a shot in."

Happosai teared up. "I can't. To attack you in your weakened state is more than my sense of justice can bear!"

The old man took off at a run, with Ranma on his heals. "I told you, I ain't weak anymore!" Ranma yelled. "And I'm going to pound you good for making me weak in the first place! Get back here!" Happosai stopped abruptly, turning to face him. "You're only saying that," Happosai said frankly, "because you want to make a poor old man suffer the Dragon Blast of Heaven!"

Ranma stared. How the hell did the old man know about it? He could have recognized the spiral, but how did he know the technique in the first place? Happosai laughed. "Without my battle aura," he said, "your attack is useless! Good luck!" He hopped away, as Ranma stood dumbly.

Akane, Ukyo, Ryoga, and Genma came out from where they'd been watching. Akane stood next to him. "What now?" she asked. Ranma shook his head. "Don't know yet," he replied. "I need a way to convince him to fight me. Something to make him so crazy that he forgets about the Heaven Blast."

"Kicking his panty collection away got him mad enough to fight you before," Ukyo suggested.

Ranma shook his head. "I think he figured out I was using the Heaven Blast because he saw me making the spiral. He didn't know about it the first time. I don't think that would work again. I wonder if I was a girl, if I could get him to lust enough to put out an aura…"

"Too bad everything we did was training to fight, not planning more," Akane said. Ranma looked up. "Training," he muttered. "I think I have an idea. Akane. I need your help again. And someone else who doesn't mind taking part in some perversion. Ukyo, you're a girl. You can help."

* * *

That night, Ranma, now a girl, sat with Ukyo, Akane, and Ryoga at the table in the washitsu. The color had yet to fully return to Ukyo's face, as the girl sat, staring blankly with a slightly-stricken look on her face. Ranma cast her a sympathetic glance. "Sorry if I've corrupted you for life," she said. "I figured, since Akane and I would be girls, you'd be okay with the camera."

Ukyo stared straight ahead. "Do you two usually do that stuff when you're a girl?"

Ranma shrugged. "Once in a while. I think Akane just does it because she knows I'm a pervert and like taking advantage of my girl side."

"Aw," Akane said, "it's not as bad as that. I know it's you in there. Even if I don't like girls, I still feel like I'm with _you_."

"Besides," Ranma continued, "most of the time when we're making out as girls in public, it's to get Happosai or Kuno distracted. I'm pretty sure she's just faking that."

"Basically," Akane chimed. She looked toward the other girl. "You going to be okay Uuchan?"

"I'll never look at you two the same way again."

"What happened in there?" Ryoga asked, honestly confused at Ukyo's stupor.

"You don't want to know," Ukyo answered. "Trust me. You _don't_ want to know."

Ranma stood. "I have a challenge letter to write," she said. "By this time tomorrow, I'll be strong again for sure." She turned to leave. Ukyo nodded blankly. "I sure hope so," she muttered. "If we did all of that for nothing…"

* * *

The next afternoon, Ranma stood before Happosai at the athletic fields at Furinkan. Crowds of students watched from the nearest hill. The old man arrogantly ironed his clothes, as though there weren't a fight going on. He looked up at the male Ranma. "Don't you ever give up?" he asked. Ranma stood firm. "I win," he replied, "and you hand over the moxibustion chart. Deal?"

"And what if _I_ win?"

Ranma reached into his shirt and pulled out a stack of photos, taped together in a long line. He spoke with his voice low enough that the crowd wouldn't hear. "An entire roll of film. Twenty-four photos. Of me as a girl, and Akane, having sex. No clothes; nothing covered up. Full view."

The old man spun and stared, as the piece of clothing under his iron started to smolder. Ranma unfolded the first few photos of the stack, grinning as Happosai's nose started to bleed. He tucked the photos in his shirt. "Deal?" he asked.

Kuno came running. "Pictures of Akane Tendo?!" he cried. "I'll fight for them!" Happosai rose up, his battle aura rising to a frightening level. He looked a hundred times his normal size. "Those pictures," he boomed, "are mine!"

Ranma jumped back as they charged. He was initially irritated by Kuno's presence, but then an evil grin crept over his face. The more people attacking, the more battle aura he had to reflect. With Happosai going ape-shit and Kuno's raging hormones coming in, he'd have enough of a blast to send them to the moon!

Suddenly, a pair of shears came at him. He jumped back to avoid them, quickly catching sight of the Hawaiian moron holding them. He chuckled… even better. Adding fuel to the fire while letting him get revenge on the people that annoyed him— there was nothing better. He kept up his dodging to the side while moving back, drawing the three of them into the center. With a step, he reached the center of his spiral. He pulled his arm down and uppercut hard.

"Dragon's Heaven Blast!"

A blast of energy erupted around him, blinding him and knocking him flat on his back. He looked up with some satisfaction at the four figures flying high into the air. Then, it hit him— four? There were Happosai, Kuno, Kuno's father… His jaw dropped. The fourth person was Akane! She'd promised to stay clear; how did she end up in the blast? That didn't matter; all he knew was that he needed to get to her, or she wouldn't make it out.

He leaped, getting caught by the upward force of the blast. It carried him skyward, as he clawed his way toward her. He certainly could've reached her if he had his strength, but weak as he was, he was just barely able to move in her direction. "Ranma!" she cried out, her eyelids already starting to droop. She didn't have much strength left in her, and he knew it.

He made a mad grab at her, but he was hopelessly too far away. If he didn't catch her before the energy died down, she was going to be skydiving without a parachute. She reached into her shirt and pulled something out, holding it toward him. "Ranma!" she yelled. "Take this! It's the moxibustion chart! Happosai dropped it!"

Ranma could only stare. She jumped into the blast just to grab the chart? After that speech about getting married and spending their lives together, she'd risked hers to help him? He frowned. "Keep it!" he screamed back.

"Hurry… take… it…"

"I'd stay weak before I let you get hurt! Put it away! I'm coming for you!"

With what looked to be the last of her strength, she slipped her hand with the chart back inside her shirt. Her eyes closed. He struggled to make his way through the blast wave, which he could already tell was weakening. It wasn't going to carry them much farther before they ran out of energy and were sent plummeting to the ground. _Maybe_ if he caught her before they fell, he could save them.

Or, at least, save _her_.

The energy around him died almost completely away, and for a moment, he came to a complete stop, a hundred feet in the air. Above him, the unconscious Akane seemed to slow a little faster, and just as he felt himself start to drop, she came hurtling down at him. He grabbed hold of her, and they spiraled downward.

He wrapped her in a bear hug, and could tell that she'd definitely blacked out. He tucked her head against his chest. "If you don't live through this," he said, "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have done that for me. I'm not worth it." He looked the direction he was falling, watching the ground flying up to meet them. He closed his eyes.

_Boom!_ A blast from the ground rushed up to hit them. It didn't stop them from falling, but they slowed down quite a bit. Ranma squinted through the smoke billowing toward them. "What the hell was…" he muttered, before seeing a familiar, shriveled figure flying his way. It was Happosai, in some kind of suit that made him able to fly. Or, at least, fall in style; the blast may have been what launched him. The old man floated in front of him. "Hey!" he shouted. "Hand over those photos, Ranma!"

Ranma thought fast. He grabbed the stack of photos and tossed them in front of his own face. "Take 'em!" he shouted back. The old man grabbed for them, just as Ranma had expected, and Ranma grabbed him around the neck, holding on for dear life.

He flipped around onto Happosai's back. Whatever flying skill the old man, he wasn't using it to make a graceful landing. He did, however, skip off sideways, like an airfoil, so that they weren't dropping toward the ground. They were flying sideways almost as fast, but it was still better than down. He started looking frantically for some way to let go and drop to relative safety, but as he looked forward, he saw that he wouldn't have the opportunity to choose. Happosai was steering them directly into the backstop of a baseball diamond.

Ranma grinned. "Guess who gets to take the blow?" he said, yanking on Happosai's neck. Kicking his legs out, they plowed into the chain-link backstop, Ranma's feet and Happosai's body taking most of the force, though the arm he had around the old man's neck and his own face took a beating in the process. The impact stopped them dead, and they dropped onto the ground.

Everything went black for just a second, and he came to from the sound of Akane's voice. "Ranma, Ranma," she said, shaking him. He opened his eyes, looked at her, then grabbed hold of her shirt. "Don't _ever_ do that again!" he growled. "You hear me? I swear to the Kami, God, Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, and every other deity in the universe that if you put yourself in danger for me like that again, I'll kill you myself!"

Happosai stirred, holding up the stack of photos and flipping through them. "Hey!" he said indignantly. "You two are only in the first few! The rest of these are old vacation photos!" Ukyo's spatula connected with his head, and he dropped back onto the ground, as Ukyo ran up to take the pictures away. Akane pulled out the slightly battered moxibustion chart, and Ranma struggled to his feet.

"All right," he said, taking her hand and helping her up. "Let's get to Doctor Tofu's and…" The chart was suddenly yanked from her hand. It was Tofu. He spun Ranma around. A second later, a searing pain erupted from his back, and he cringed before dropping to his knees. He stood shakily, as Tofu quickly looked him over.

"It should be cured," he said. "Find a way to test it." Ranma looked around. Usually, there would be plenty of things to break, but as he surveyed the area, he noticed for the first time that the blast he'd unleashed had nearly leveled the entire group of athletic fields.

"Saotome!"

Ranma grinned as the opportunity presented himself. Spinning around, he saw Kuno running full-tilt. Kuno jumped and swung his bokken down, only for Ranma to grab it one-handed. The upperclassman momentarily looked confused, before a punch from Ranma's free hand send him flying across the field. Ranma put his hands over his face. "I'm strong again," he muttered. "I don't freakin' believe it. Doctor Tofu, keep that chart; the old man'll probably do it again." He grabbed Akane's arm. "C'mon, Akane. Let's get out of here. Before something _else_ happens."

"I'm so happy for you," she said, leaning on him. He sighed. "I'm just happy it's over. I'm going to kill that old freak one of these days."


	20. Catastrophe

_A/N: Have you ever seen a TV show episode where the whole thing was a flashback or one long cut to some other time or place? Doesn't it feel cheap when they do that?_

_Yeah, I did that here. Sumimasen._

_A note: the bulk of this takes place in China, with Chinese people. Ergo, they speak Chinese, not any kind of broken Japanese. I'm not going to use special quote marks like I do with Chinese in my other stories, because I think you'll be able to follow it regardless._

_It was really easy to start this chapter, because the events of the manga at the very beginning are something I've done to every g/f I've ever had…_

* * *

Ranma stood outside the washitsu, peering in at his oblivious fiancée. She was watching a scary movie alone, which wasn't a very good idea, considering that every time she did, she ended up too freaked to sleep afterward. This time, the atmosphere was at its scariest— the house was dark, as the sisters were upstairs in their rooms while their fathers were at the nearest bar, and a chilly breeze blew every few minutes, rattling the doors and windows. The trees outside swayed, occasionally tapping the house, with the moon casting frightening shadows on the paper windows of the doors.

The time came for him to do something that he did way too often— scare the daylights out of her. He did it plenty already; she'd learned to look for him behind every corner. He'd caught her plenty of times by hiding just outside the dojo door; eventually, she learned to look out the door before heading toward the house.

He waited for a scary line, and heard one right away. "You say you saw the faceless man," the voice on the television said. "Did he look… like _this?!_" Ranma stepped into the room and clamped his hands down on her shoulders. "Aaaaahh!" he yelled right behind her head. She nearly leaped out of her skin, jumping up and falling onto her back. Ranma collapsed to the floor in a fit of laughter, while Akane gave him a smack and turned back to the movie.

A little while later, the movie was over, and the two of them were watching television. Akane spied something on the table and handed it to him. "A letter came addressed to us," she said. "It doesn't have a return address, but the postmark is in Chinese." Ranma paled a bit, but he knew that he needed to read it, even if it was bad. There was that chance, after all, that it was from Cologne, announcing that she knew he was still alive and planned to return for him.

He carefully opened the envelope and unfolded the letter, which was a few pages long. He looked at the bottom of the last page. "It's from Mousse," he said. Flipping back to the beginning, he scanned the first few lines. "Looks like he's just being social," he continued. "He'd better not make a habit of it, or somebody'll catch him." He looked over the first page, then started reading aloud.

"Dear Ranma and Akane. Given our recent accidental meeting, I thought I would take a moment to give you some news from Nyucheizu. After all, it was the plan that the three of us pulled off that allowed me to get as close to Shampoo as I am. Some very interesting things have happened since we arrived back in China…

* * *

As the sun was approaching the horizon, Mu-Tsu crept toward Xian-Pu and Ku-Lon's house, his hands clutching a warm pot. He was hoping for a decent greeting. The first few times Xian-Pu had opened the door to him, she'd slammed it in his face. The first few times Ku-Lon did it, she gave him an eyeroll and told him to give it up. They'd slowly come around, at least to a point— Xian-Pu was now curt, but accepted the things that he brought her; Ku-Lon typically greeted him with a nod and let him in.

Making it to the door, Mu-Tsu stopped and knocked with a free finger. After a moment, he heard a sound, and the door opened. It was Xian-Pu. He caught his breath at the sight of her beauty, light shining like a beacon from her eyes and the tip of every single strand of silky hair…

_Ranma paused from his reading. "He's laying it on kinda thick, isn't he?" he said. Akane waved a hand dismissively, and he went back to reading…_

Xian-Pu gave him an irritated look, then glanced down at what he was carrying. Her irritation ebbed. "What is it, Mu-Tsu?" she asked.

"I made some stew for dinner and thought you might like some."

She seemed to brighten slightly, then hid it. He couldn't even say for sure that he didn't imagine it. She stood aside. "Okay, set it in the kitchen."

He walked in, noticing Ku-Lon reading by the fire. He set the bowl gently on the counter and turned back to her. "If you're done with the bowl from last night, I can take it now."

She nodded, walking over to another part of the kitchen and grabbing the bowl from the counter. She thrust it at him silently.

He beamed. "Oh, Xian-Pu, you didn't have to wash it yourself. I would've done it."

"Whatever."

"How was the ramen I brought last night?"

"Not enough salt."

"Oh." He stood for a moment, while she stared blankly at him. "Well, ah, I guess I should get going. Good night, Xian-Pu."

She nodded, and he slipped out, closing the door behind him. She wasn't friendly toward him, not even particularly cordial, but she didn't seem to hate him like she had when they first arrived back in Nyuchiezu. He'd take it. There was no doubt that she'd learn to love him, and he'd keep trying, even if it took the rest of his life.

* * *

Mu-Tsu strolled through the market, eying the various things the vendors were hawking. The Amazons couldn't grow everything they needed, and that meant a trip to the nearest city for supplies. It was also a chance to bring in some money for the village by selling ramen, just like back in Japan. For him, though, there was an even greater purpose— to look for presents. He would buy her thoughtful things from time to time, and he thought that she enjoyed receiving such things. After all, more than once, he'd seen her wearing jewelry that he'd bought her. It had to mean something, right?

He stopped and stared at a particularly large, golden object. The dealer saw him looking and wandered over. "Ah, you have a good eye, young man," the man said. "This is the Mao Mo Lin, the Legendary Bell. It comes with this." He held up a smaller bell on a chain. "You keep the small bell for yourself and give the big bell to the one that you love. Legend says the power of the bells will make you marry for sure."

"How much?!"

An hour later, he was frantically pounding on Shampoo's door. It opened, and he threw his arms around the person inside. "Xian-Pu!" he yelled, and got bopped on the head in answer.

"Glasses, duck boy! Use them!"

Mu-Tsu pulled his glasses down from his head and looked through them, spying Ku-Lon in front of him. "Monkey mummy?" he asked, before the irritated old woman sent him flying inside with a flick of her staff. He landed hard and looked up, seeing Xian-Pu in front of him. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), she was wearing a short cheongsam, and his position on the floor quickly reminded him that she wasn't a fan of underwear. He blushed, and a drop of blood dripped from his nose; she shared his blush and backed up several steps.

She noticed the large, gold sphere in his hands. "Mu-Tsu… what is that?"

He sprang to his feet and held it out to her. "It's for you! A present!"

"If you keep buying me stuff, I'm going to run out of room to keep it all. Especially if it's all this big." She took it from him. "What is this, a giant acorn?"

"It's a bell! I have one, too!" He held up the bell that hung around his neck. "When kept as a pair, it's a sure sign that the two will be married!"

She rolled her eyes and set the bell on the floor. "Take your dish from last night, Mu-Tsu," was her parting phrase as she walked away.

* * *

He was awakened that night by a frantic pounding on the door. He threw it open to see the angry eyes of Xian-Pu, who thrust the big bell at him. "What the hell did you do, shithead?!" she yelled. He didn't have time to answer before the bell started to shake. They both dropped it, and as it landed, a large white furball appeared, rising to become a giant cat, with the bell around its neck.

"Be my bride!"

The two teens stared at the talking cat. "What are you talking about?" Mu-Tsu said, and as he did, that cat's eyes shone as it spotted the small bell around his neck. "The bell!" it yelled. "Nyou're my bride!" It lunged, only for Mu-Tsu so knock it to the floor with a punch to the face.

"Do I look like a girl to you?" he spat.

The cat sat up and looked at Xian-Pu. "So _nyou're_ my bride after all!" he said, then looked to Mu-Tsu. "Why do _you_ have my bell?"

"I thought it was a matchmaking charm! To bring Xian-Pu and I together!"

It stood. "So, she belongs to nyou, does she? That means that, nyif I defeat you, she's mine!"

He stammered, not coming up with a good reply. Xian-Pu gave him a sideways look. "You'd better win, duck-boy," she drawled. "This whole bell thing is _your_ fault."

Mu-Tsu straightened. This was a chance to fight for the woman he loved! He had to prevail! He flung a chain at the cat, wrapping it tight as he dropped and rolled, ready to send a club sending the cat's way. But, it wasn't even needed— the cat was easily trapped. It never had a chance.

He stepped up to the cat and stood over it. "There," he said. "Good enough?" The cat grinned and started to glow in a white light. "Nyo!" it cried. "Nyi have more tricks up my sleeve!" With that, it suddenly zipped back inside the bell. A moment later, the bell rose up from the ground and flew to Xian-Pu. A white light shone out of it, spreading down to envelop the girl. She dropped to her knees, and the bell clanged to the ground. She remained still for a moment, then rose, her eyes glassy. Mu-Tsu's blood ran cold.

"Nyi have a new plan," Xian-Pu said, her voice replaced by that of the cat. "Nyi've taken over her body! Nyi'll run away with her! She won't be able to get away, and _you_ won't be able to stop me without hurting her!" With that, she broke into sprint out the door. Mu-Tsu raced after her, keeping hot on her tail. He didn't have to run for long, however, as the ghost cat quickly made a fatal mistake— running directly into a pond at the edge of the village. Mu-Tsu stopped dead.

The ghost cat, in its natural form, erupted from the water. A moment later, Xian-Pu sprang out as a cat, and the look on her fuzzy face left little question that she was enraged. Mu-Tsu cringed. "She does _not_ like being changed into a cat," he muttered, as she leaped. Fur and blood started to fly as Xian-Pu did her level best to tear the ghost cat to pieces. After a moment of pummeling, it sprang out of the fray. "Nyou're as mean as an alley cat!" it cried. "I'm not marrying you!" It vaporized into a cloud of smoke, which blew away in an instant.

Xian-Pu turned to Mu-Tsu, her eyes still fiery. He dropped to his knees and started bowing. "I'm sorry!" he yelled. "I didn't know! I didn't know!" He paused to look up at her, and she rolled her eyes, wandering over to the edge of the pond and grabbing her clothes with her teeth. He jumped up and, moving very delicately, plucked her clothes without getting any water on himself. He looked down at her. "Come on," he said. "I'll get some hot water." She responded with a irritated meow and took off ahead.

A few minutes later, Mu-Tsu was lifting a kettle from the stove in his house. He looked away and poured the water out. He knew that she'd transformed by the sound of her pulling her clothes back on. "Oh, nice," she grumbled. "My pajamas are wet now. What am I supposed to sleep in now?"

"Uh… ah… Maybe I have something…"

"It was a rhetorical question, Mu-Tsu. I have other clothes."

"Oh. Okay."

She stood and faced him, fixing him in an angry glare. "Mu-Tsu!" Her gaze softened a bit. "Stop buying me shit, Mu-Tsu. Just quit, okay?"

"O-okay, Xian-Pu."

She shook her head and walked out the door, heading back to her own house.

* * *

The following evening Mu-Tsu rushing to Xian-Pu's house, a bowl in his hands. His head was down a bit as he walked. Usually, he was bringing her food just to score points, but that night, he had to hope to regain the ground that he'd surely lost from the bell fiasco. He was going to listen to her for sure— no more trinkets. He'd forgotten how many things in China were cursed.

He made it to her door and knocked. The object of his desire opened it after a moment. She gave him a wary glance. "Please tell me it's just food," she said hesitantly. He nodded, and she turned and went inside. He followed her and set the bowl on her kitchen counter. "Are you alright after last night?" he asked. She nodded. "Yes, yes," she replied. "It's not the first time I've been woke up in the middle of the night; won't be the last."

He nodded and turned. "Okay," he said. "I guess I'll go now."

"Mu-Tsu?"

He stopped.

"That's a big bowl. Why don't you stay and eat with me?"

Her last statement was enough to make him lose his mind. He spun around and ran for her, arms outstretched. "Xian-Pu!" he shouted, before being stopped mid-stride by a palm to the face.

"I said eat, not make out."

"Uh… right. Of course."

* * *

"So, I suppose it's a good sign that Shampoo wasn't angrier at me," Ranma read. "I think she might actually be starting to like me. I don't know if you and I are the first people to successfully circumvent Amazon law; the elders aren't exactly the types to admit to something like that if they found out. Frankly, Cologne could have figured it out already— now that she's back at the village, she wouldn't likely endure the embarrassment of admitting that she was duped. Still, I have at least a better chance with the girl of my dreams, and you don't have to worry about some Amazon law tearing you from yours. Take care… Mousse."

Akane looked wistful. "That is _so_ sweet."

"You have a strange definition of sweet, Akane."

"But it's cute, isn't it? It sounds like he's actually getting somewhere."

"Yeah, they're going to be making little Amazons soon. Horrifying thought."

* * *

_A/N: Yeah, this one was kinda short (that's what she said). The next will be good, though— Akane learns to swim. Well, more like drowning with style._


	21. Water Sports

_A/N: This arc is based both off of the manga version and the anime version. In the manga, Ukyo doesn't appear in most chapters, unless she's a major part of the storyline. She's almost always present in the anime, though, and was in this episode, so that made it easy to include her and Ryoga. It also addressed one major difference between the manga and anime: Somewhere along the line in the manga, the other students discovered Ranma's curse. I don't recall if it's shown in a particular scene or not, but people know. In the anime episode of this, his curse was still a secret, just like in this fic. Though I deal with it different (I'm guessing the idea didn't occur to anime-Ranma)._

_The last couple of chapters were getting more Mary-Sue than I liked; I tried very hard to keep away from that here._

* * *

Ranma turned the corner and started walking alongside Furinkan High. It hadn't been the shortest of days. Aside from the rigors of school, Akane had been bothered by something that she wouldn't talk about. He was sure that something was on her mind; she wasn't all that good at hiding her feelings. But, she _was_ a person that kept her problems to herself, and that typically meant that he wouldn't find out what the problem was until he saw it with his own eyes. In this case, she'd disappeared after last period, and he didn't even know if she wanted to walk home with him or by herself. As such, he was stuck wandering around looking for her until it became obvious enough that she was already gone, and he'd leave on his own. He was one lap around the building from reaching that point.

As he turned another corner, however, he spotted her. She was walking his way, her eyes downcast, apparently lost in thought. He waved, but she didn't pick up on the movement. "Akane!" he called out.

She looked up and noticed him for the first time. She gave him a weak smile as he approached, and it only took a second to notice that her appearance was… unusual. Her hair was plastered to her forehead, the color of her skin was visible through her blouse sleeves, and water dripped off the bottom of her dress. "Akane?" he asked. "You're soaked! What happened?" He leaned close, and immediately caught a whiff of chlorine. "Were you in the pool?"

She looked down. "Yes?"

"Why were you in the pool dressed like that?"

"The principal pushed me in."

His face flashed the color of his shirt, and he started to turn and walk away. "Excuse me, Akane. I have to go kill the principal now. This should only take a minute."

"Ranma, wait!" She grabbed his arm. "He's trying to help me with something, alright? It's okay."

"What could he possibly be helping you with that involves throwing you in the pool? Doesn't he know you can't… Ah, Kami, Akane, are you seriously learning how to swim from that guy? I told you I'd teach you any time you wanted to learn!"

"Yeah, well, we have this swim test coming up in gym…"

"_That's_ what you've been distracted about…"

"Yes, and since he offered to help me, I won't have to worry about it. I'll learn and I'll do fine."

Ranma slapped a hand to his face. "But, Akane! That's guy a nutcase! Did you forget he crucified you the first day he was here? Literally crucified… on a cross! He'll drown you for sure! And _I_ could teach you, and you wouldn't have to worry about anything! Are you outta your damn mind?!"

"Just give him a chance. I don't think he's a bad guy, just a little misunderstood."

He blinked. "Are you… are you serious?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, I am. I don't hold a grudge like you do. Now just let him teach me and don't interfere. It'll be fine. I promise."

"I'll let him teach you, but I'm not promising not to interfere. I'm going to be right there watching, and the minute he puts you in danger, and I know he will, I'm saving _you_ and murdering _him_."

She huffed. "I can take care of myself."

"No, you can't. You can't swim, remember?"

She glared at him as they turned toward home.

* * *

That night, Akane's mood was much brighter, as she seemed more hopeful about learning to swim. Ranma still couldn't understand it— how could she trust a guy like the principal? It made him wonder about her love for him; specifically, was he actually an asshole, but she loved him anyway? It would've been more telling if she were discerning; that way, he'd have to be a decent person or she wouldn't be with him.

He found her staring up into the night sky, out on the balcony. He leaned on the rail next to her. "It's bothered me every summer," she said, not looking his way. "I'm always so miserable. At the pool. Or the beach. Even if I had a brand new bathing suit, it was useless."

"Imagine how the guys felt. They didn't get to _see_ you in a bathing suit."

"But it won't be a problem any more. I'm going to learn to swim. We can go to the beach."

"Oh, good. I can paw at you while I'm a girl."

She pointed dramatically at the sky. "I swear upon _that_ star…"

"That's an airplane…"

"…that I'll learn how to swim this year! Even if I have to strap a boulder to my back! I'm _done_ with feeling bad every year!"

Ranma stared ahead silently for a moment before he spoke. "Akane, why are you doing this?"

She looked his way for the first time. "I just told you why!"

"No, I get the swimming part. Why the principal?"

She turned to face him and put her hands on her hips. "You've got a real problem, you know that?"

"_I_ do?"

"Yes, you. Just because somebody does something bad doesn't mean you have to hate them forever. Especially if it's the first time you meet them. First impressions aren't everything."

"Well they are, actually. At least when crucifying a human being is involved. I generally stick to a one-crucifixion limit. Especially when it's _you_ that got crucified."

She pointed at him accusingly. "That's part of it, too. Stop with the 'I'll kill you for hurting my girl' crap. I can take care of myself. I was on my own before you got here." Her expression turned sad. "I don't feel like people respect me anymore. I used to keep the boys away by fighting them off. Now, they stay away on their own because they're afraid of you. Nobody thinks I'm a good fighter; they just think I have you for protection."

"Uh… I… It's not like that! I mean…" He stopped and thought quickly. "Of course you can fight! I don't try to protect you because I think you can't protect yourself! We spar all the time! I know exactly how good you are!"

"Then let me do this on my own."

"But you're getting in the pool with the guy when you can't swim!"

"So it's my weak spot. It'll give me a chance to work on it."

"You're not supposed to exploit your own weaknesses on purpose! You're supposed to avoid them like the plague! Y'know, think on your feet and get out of the situation."

"I will be fine." She turned back to the house and looked over her shoulder. "So stay out of it, okay?"

"Alright, I'll stay out. _At first!_ I'm jumping in the minute he puts you in any real danger. But…" He hung his head. "I'll wait 'til the last second before I do anything. So you have plenty of time to get yourself out of it first. It's not that I'm out to protect you because you can't protect yourself. We're supposed to be a team. Fight our enemies together. _That's_ why I want to help."

"It wouldn't take two of us to keep out in front of the principal, even if he did something bad. And I don't think he will." She turned and went inside. He shook his head. Maybe he didn't trust people enough, but she surely trusted people too much. He was 100% certain that he'd be dragging her out of the pool after it all went wrong.

* * *

The end of the next school day came, and as soon as the throng of students had cleared the building, Ranma snuck down a hallway. Akane was on her way to the pool, and he was on his way to prepare. He had a second job besides keeping her safe: He'd already heard many of the boys whispering about how badly they wanted to see her in her bathing suit. He couldn't blame them, and he wasn't even all that jealous. After all, he was the one who got to brag about being engaged to her.

The problem was, they were a distraction, and that was the last thing she needed. She had learning to do, and that would be nearly impossible among catcalls and leering eyes. He had a way to help, though. Part of it was inevitable— he needed to prepare for cold water beforehand, so that his curse wasn't discovered if he had to jump in and save her. Having to change beforehand gave him a perfect opportunity to help. Looking around and seeing no one, he rushed to a drinking fountain and splashed a handful of water on his face. The change happened in an instant, and she darted into the nearest girl's restroom.

A moment later, a very female Ranma stood, blushing at her appearance in the mirror. A while back, she'd playfully suggested that Akane get a two piece, and had agreed to get one herself as a means of sealing the deal. It seemed worth it— she got to ogle Akane, and she thought she'd enjoy being a hentai and gawking at her reflection in her cursed form.

But then, the day came. The day she actually put one on.

It was interesting— she'd always _thought_ that she wasn't a bashful person. Not that she'd ever walked around mostly naked as a guy or anything, but there still wasn't much shyness. That flew out the window the minute she finished putting on her bikini for the first time. She didn't even wear it any farther than outside the dressing room, and the whole time, she felt like she was walking around in her underwear. She'd taken one step, then hid behind Akane so that no one nearby could possibly see her. She knew then that ever wearing that outfit in public would require some conditioning.

Unfortunately, in the present, she couldn't avoid it. She had another calling. She had to keep an eye on Akane, and just about anything would've worked for that. However, she also had to distract the boys. She wasn't terribly confident that she could do that if she even dressed the same as Akane. Akane had brought a one-piece that day, so she needed to show more skin to keep the males staring her way.

And that was another thing entirely. She was intentionally showing herself off for boys. She wouldn't want guys leering at her in her regular form; that didn't change when she was cursed. When men eye-humped her, it felt just like it would to have a man give her the eye in her regular form. It was awkward at best, but when there were a couple dozen her age doing it, it was downright sickening.

Taking one last look at her appearance, she tossed her unbuttoned shirt on and stuffed the rest of her clothes in her school bag. It was time to put on a show.

As she approached the pool, the hint of chlorine in the air mixed with a much more pleasant smell— the very familiar smell of a certain chef's okonomiyaki. Rushing to the pool, she found Ukyo and Ryoga in with the crowd of students. Ukyo already had her grill set up, and she was taking orders. She spotted Ranma and waved her over. Ranma hopped over the fence and joined them.

"I figured everybody would be here," Ukyo explained, "so I stood to make more money here than if I opened the restaurant. Almost everyone that comes in before four is a student coming straight from here." She looked at the pool. "What do you think of Akane's chances of learning to swim this way?"

"None. I'm sure she could learn to swim easily. She's more than smart enough; she learns pretty fast. But not from the principal. She'll be lucky not to drown trying."

Ukyo glanced at Ranma's bare legs. "And I'm guessing you're dressed to jump in and help."

Ranma felt herself blushing. "Only if I have to, but I have another purpose. The guys have been drooling over seeing her in a bathing suit, so I have to distract them as best I can."

Ukyo's eyebrows shot up. "Distract them?" she asked. Ranma pushed one side of her shirt aside to show Ukyo just how little she had on. A drop of blood fell from Ryoga's nose, while Ukyo's eyes widened further. "Oh, wow…" she muttered. "The stuff you'll do for your fiancée…"

"Don't remind me…" Ranma muttered, before she gave Ukyo a questioning look. "Hey, speaking of clothes, how come you still wear a boy's uniform? Don't want to be girly around Ryoga? Easier access for him if nothing else."

"It's a girl's blouse, but the rest is boys'. Easier to fight in. I don't know how Akane can stand to jump and kick in a skirt."

"Wouldn't know. Never had to do any real fighting when I was in girls' clothes."

Ryoga pointed at him. "How come _you_ don't wear a uniform _at all?_"

Ranma shrugged. "Nobody ever made me. You probably could've got away with your regular clothes if you tried."

They stopped talking as they caught sight of Akane approaching the pool. Ranma leaned back on the fence, shrugging her shirt off. Looking back to the action, she gasped at what she saw— Akane had strapped a boulder to her back! It wasn't just a big rock; it easily would have reached boob level if it were laying on the ground. It must have weighed a couple hundred pounds.

Everyone jumped as a large finned animal leaped from the pool water, flipping high into the air and landing back in. Ranma quickly calculated the distance from her to the edge of the pool, more certain than ever that she'd have to cross that distance and dive in. Akane just stared. "And what is _that?_" she asked. The principal pointed to a helpful chart he'd hung on the wall of the building, explaining the anatomy of the 7-meter-long bonito shark. She glared. "I know what a shark is!" she growled. "What is it doing _here?"_

"Havai'ian children train in da ocean by strapping boulders to they backs an' swimmin' away from da sharks!"

"Oh." She ripped the boulder from her back and thrust it into his hands, knocking him backwards into the pool. "Then show me how it's done!"

Ranma let out a loud laugh, enough to unknowingly attract the attention of a few boys around her.

"_Whoa!_"

She grimaced as she realized she'd been noticed. Technically, that was the point, but it didn't make it any more pleasant. A boy leaned on the fence next to her.

"Uh, hi," he said.

"Hi," she replied curtly, not looking his way.

"My name's Tomohiro. What's yours?"

"Ranko."

"That's a really pretty name."

She shuddered. "Thank you."

Another student grabbed the boy by the shoulder for a moment and whispered in his ear. After a few seconds of hushed argument, he leaned back toward her. "Do you really play for the other team?"

She slapped her hand to her face. "Yes," she growled.

"Oh." He thought for a moment. "Have you ever experimented with a guy? I mean, just to be sure you're really—"

"Dude!" The other boy cried, and leaned in for another whispered conversation. Tomohiro turned slightly pale at the boy's words. He leaned back Ranma's way.

"Uh… so you're Ranma Saotome's sister?"

She gave him the I-want-to-murder-you smile. "That's right."

"Oh. So… what do you think of Akane?"

"She's really good to him and a great fighter, and I'm glad to have her in my family."

He scratched his head. "That's not what I mean. Do you think she's… y'know… hot?"

She scowled. "I suppose, but I don't make a habit of staring at my brother's fiancée, so I never paid that much attention. _Okay?_"

"So you and Akane haven't… fooled around…"

She silenced him with a punch to the face, leaving him unresponsive on the ground. His friends dragged him away while she turned her attention back to Akane, who was now looking in the water with some worry. Her expression changed to determination, and she leaped in, with Ranma helpless to stop her.

A moment later, Akane and the principal broke the surface, the latter wearing a scuba-style oxygen tank and mask. A moment after that, the shark also surfaced, making a beeline for the both of them. "Okay," Ranma said, taking a step toward the water. "My time of staying out of the way is over." She raced to the edge of the pool and leaped in the air, grabbing the shark by the tail. It started thrashing wildly in an attempt to shake her loose, throwing her side-to-side and dunking her repeatedly. "Akane!" she screamed, struggling to yell as water hit her in the face. "Get out of the pool!"

Akane complied, and she held on for dear life, but the shark's skin was very slippery, and it was hard to hold back at the thrashing. A split second after Akane finished dragging herself out of the water, Ranma lost her grip was batted hard by the shark's fin. She flew through the air and smacking upside-down into the side of the building. Like something out of a cartoon, she stuck for a moment before friction released, sending her sliding down and landing on the ground in a heap.

Akane raced to her. "Ran—" she started to say, and Ranma grabbed her mouth. "Watch what you call me!" she hissed, then sat up with some effort. "I'm fine," she said quietly, working the kinks out of her joints. "You know, people say it's impolite to tell your significant other 'I told you so'. I don't care; I'm doing it anyway. I told you so."

"Do you want me to quit?"

"Oh, no. No, no, no. You wanted this; now you get the fun that comes with it. But I _will_ hold you back unless you make him get the shark out, first."

Akane rolled her eyes. "I wasn't going to get back in with the shark."

"But yet you take swimming lessons from the principal in the first place. I guess there's a boundary there that I'm not seeing. Well…" She stood with some difficulty. "If there's anybody smart enough to learn in this insanity, it's you, so good luck. I still think you'd learn a lot easier without that Hawaiian prick, but I hope it at least ends up being worth the effort."

Akane shook her head and went back to the principal, while Ranma, walking while she stretched her limbs, went back to lean on the fence. If nothing else, things were entertaining. She felt a presence next to her, and jumped as she saw a boy standing beside her. "I know you don't like guys," he said, "but I'm saying it anyway. You look really hot all wet like that."

"I _will_ hit you…"

The boy backed away, and Ranma rubbed her temples. She really hoped she never acted like that as a guy. After she'd gotten cursed, she used to wonder if she'd ever start liking the attention that men gave her girl form. It wasn't possible to predict the future, but as of that moment, it was still creepy. A giggle reminded her of Ukyo's presence, and she looked to see the girl and Ryoga shaking from silent laughter.

"Ha ha ha. Laugh it up."

"But _Ranko_," Ukyo teased, "you're so popular! You could get a date with anyone."

"I'm only interested in girls, so unless you're offering…"

Ukyo stuck her tongue out, and Ranma turned her attention back to the entertainment. Akane was approaching the principal, who pointed to the pool. "Mastah lesson one!" he shouted. "Da swan!" He thrust what looked like a briefcase at her. "I stay up all night makin' dis suit. You wear dis ting, an' you be transformed into a swan!"

She seemed to regain some of her earlier excitement as she held the briefcase. She threw it open and quickly jumped into the suit, only pausing once it was on to look at her reflection in the pool water. Ranma, meanwhile, desperately held back giggles at the ridiculous suit that she'd donned, and judging from Ukyo nearly falling onto her grill, she was having a similar reaction. Akane was furious at her appearance; her face was quickly becoming the color of Ranma's hair. No one could blame her; the suit looked like a mentally retarded duck.

"You're making fun of me!" Akane fumed, as the principal reached for her. "No!" he shouted. "You gotta hear me sistah!" She went to swat his hand away, but stopped, looking at it. "You fingers…" she muttered. Ranma strained to see, but wasn't sure what Akane was looking at. Not that it mattered; Akane was clearly ready to try this harebrained scheme. Ranma knew she'd be back in the pool in no time.

"You were sewing," Akane said. "You really _did_ stay up all night, didn't you? You worked really hard just for me!" Her expression turned confident (while Ranma's turned incredulous) and she went to the side of the pool. "Staht it up!" the principal shouted, and gave her a shove.

A flurry of water started erupting around her, and from Ranma's vantage point it became clear very quickly that the suit had motorized legs that were supposed to make her swim. They weren't working, however, for the same reason that Ranma was able to tell how the suit worked— as soon as Akane started to move, she immediately inverted, the end result being two motorized legs sticking out of the pool and flapping in midair, while her head was somewhere underwater. With a sigh, Ranma walked to the side of the pool and jumped in.

A moment later, Akane was back on dry land and coughing, while Ranma shook her head at the principal's poor excuse at machinery, which was still flopping around on the cement. The principal thrust another costume into Akane's hands. "Da mermaid!" he shouted. Ranma squinted at the suit and then at the principal. "Just how is she supposed to learn proper swimming," she asked, "if she can't move her legs independently of one another?"

She looked to Akane, who, much to her surprise, was climbing into the mermaid suit. "Akane!" she shouted. "Are you out of your mind? He's going to drown you in there."

"I'm not ready to give up."

"You're just not ready to admit I was right…"

Akane shot her a dirty look and hopped to the edge of the pool. The principal pushed her in, then turned the suit on with a remote control. The tail started thrashing wildly, and Akane started swallowing water as the suit propelled her along with her face half-underwater.

"How's this different from the swan?" Ranma yelled, but the principal was already in motion. He pulled out a fishing pole and cast it out, snagging the back of Akane's suit. "Swim wit confidence!" he shouted, but barely had time to finish his sentence before Akane's strength yanked him from where he stood and into the water. With help from the suit, Akane dragged him across the water before slamming him headfirst into the side of the pool, sending bits of concrete flying. He floated, motionless, while Akane disappeared underwater.

"Well who didn't see that coming?" someone in the crowd asked. Ranma stared, but couldn't see Akane. "Damn it," she growled, taking a step toward the pool. "Now I have to haul her up with that stupid suit thrashing around." She broke into a run, and heard a familiar voice behind her. "Wait for me!" she heard Ukyo call, followed by what sounded like the girl's spatula being tossed to the ground. Ranma reached the edge and dove in.

She found Akane right away and grabbed her from where she was sinking. She headed for the surface, but almost immediately the thrashing mermaid suit started dragging them in every direction but up. After a second, though, Ukyo appeared across from her, and together they managed to drag Akane to the surface. They pulled her to the edge, and with quite a bit of effort, were able to hoist her up and onto dry land. By that point, she was out like a light; Ranma and Ukyo jumped out and carried her to a towel that some of the students laid out for them.

Ranma looked Akane over; she'd fainted before, and this time didn't seem any different. She was breathing okay and hadn't turned any weird colors, so it stood to reason that she'd wake up in a moment. They could call a doctor if she didn't, of course, but she'd been through worse and came out fine. They were all lucky it was Akane taking the principal's lessons— most other students would've drowned by that point.

Ryoga knelt by them and handed Ukyo a towel, and only then did Ranma notice the girl's appearance. She gave her a sheepish grin. "Thanks, Uuchan," she said. "Sorry you're stuck sitting around in wet clothes. I didn't mean to drag you into all of this."

Ukyo waved a hand dismissively. "I knew when I decided to come watch," she said, "that there was a 50-50 chance I'd end up in the pool. When I was growing up, I trained by the sea. I can sit around for hours soaking wet without it bothering me."

Then, her eyes widened. She jumped and looked down, slamming her arms over her chest. After a moment, she peeked, then dropped her arms. "_So_ glad I wear a bra and an undershirt," she muttered. Ranma looked around at the crowd of boys, who now seemed very interested in the third girl to give them a show. "Yeah," she replied, "I think these guys might faint if they see too much." She looked down at Akane. "But seriously… thanks. I don't think I could've got her out without you diving in to help. You might have saved her life."

Ukyo shrugged. "She'd do the same for me."

Akane's eyes opened, and she looked around. The principal raced over to them. "I so sorry!" he said with tears in his eyes. "I can't even give one student the ting she want!" He started to sob, earning an eyeroll from the other students. Akane was certainly the only person present who was surprised at the outcome.

She sat up, and Ranma grabbed her shoulder to steady her. She looked around at the students gathered around her. "Oh, it's okay," she said. "I don't need to learn to swim! I was planning to live on a boat! And if a tidal wave comes, I'll just run for the hills! I can run faster than some old water anyway!"

Ukyo shook her head. "Poor Akane. Sounds like she suffered a head injury."

"Damn right she did," Ranma replied. She wrapped an arm around her. "Let's have Doctor Tofu check you out, and then we'll come back in a day or two and _I'll_ teach you. It was real nice of you to give the principal a chance, but I think if you let him keep going, you'll end up drowned. C'mon." She looked at Ryoga and Ukyo. "You probably need to open the restaurant soon, huh?"

Ukyo nodded.

"Well, we're going to change and I'll take her to Doctor Tofu's clinic. I guess you might as well head back to your place."

Ukyo nodded. Ryoga leaned over. "You want my shirt?" he asked.

She shook her head. "It's warm out today, the wet clothes kinda feel nice." She blushed. "But thanks for offering." They went to her grill and started packing things away, and Ranma made a mental note to compliment Ryoga for his chivalry. Once in a while, the shy boy really proved himself. She helped Akane up and they started walking back toward the school. Taking a hint from Ryoga, she grabbed her shirt and tossed it over Akane's shoulders.

Akane gave her a sorrowful look. "I'll never learn to swim, will I?"

"Of course you will. You could've learned today if it weren't for the principal. The man's too stupid to teach. I can teach you the basics, no problem. And you're a quick learner so you won't have much trouble. But _nobody_ could learn from _him_."

Akane sighed. "You were right. I shouldn't have trusted him."

Ranma shook her head. "Nah, _you_ were right. He didn't mean any harm. He didn't hurt you on purpose; he did it out of stupidity. He might not be out to get us after all, he's just so inept that he's a danger by accident."

They walked for a moment. "Thanks for your help," Akane said, breaking the silence. "I'm sure I would have drowned if you hadn't pulled me out."

"Thank Uuchan, too. She dove in to help me. I don't think I could have pulled you out with that stupid mermaid suit on if she hadn't."

Akane smacked herself on the forehead. "She was sitting there soaking wet; I didn't even make the connection!" She hung her head. "I caused a lot of trouble for everybody, didn't I?"

"It wasn't any real trouble. Besides, you were being kind to a crazy old man; it's nothing to feel bad about. Let's just get you looked at by Doctor Tofu and we'll put it behind us. It's Friday; we can come here tomorrow morning and I'll teach you how to swim, okay?"

"Oh, I'm okay. I don't need to see Doctor Tofu."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I was feeling a little crazy for a second, but I'm not hurt."

"If you say so. We can head straight home or pop over to Uuchan's, but either way, I want to get the hell out of this bathing suit."

Akane brightened. "Yeah, I noticed that… what's with the—"

"I'll explain it later."

* * *

Early the next morning, Ranma and Akane strolled around the fence and to the pool. Ranma had changed to a girl before leaving the house; after all, there was a very real possibility that students would be around to see her jump in and change from boy to girl. The biggest difference from the day before was Ranma wearing a shirt and trunks, and relishing every single second of being covered up. A vision of the eyes of a hundred horny school boys was still burned into her brain.

As if that day hadn't been bad enough, shortly after getting home her father had walked in on her hanging the suit up to dry, and she had to endure an hour of being told she wasn't a man. Until she sent him flying across Nerima courtesy of her foot, of course.

She hopped into the shallow end and motioned for Akane to get in with her. "The easiest way to learn floating," she said, "would be for me to hold you up. That's how pop taught me when I was a kid. You'll float naturally on your back as long as you stay really still. Just lay back and I'll hold you, then I'll pull my arms away, and just stay still. Like learning to ride a bike."

Akane nodded and got in the water. "Do I need to breathe in water first?"

Ranma gave her a quizzical look. "Do… do you need… Akane, if you breathe water, you drown. Taking a breath of air will help, but definitely don't breathe in any water."

"Oh. So I've been doing it wrong this whole time. No wonder I never got it."

"You've been breathing in—" She stopped herself. Akane didn't know better, after all; the last thing that would help her learn would be to criticize her.

She held her arms out and Akane lay back onto them. She held her flat for a moment. "Okay," she said. "Stay really still. Don't flail your arms or you'll sink." She lowered her arms, and Akane stayed floating on the surface, her face almost zen-like from concentration.

"You guys want any help?"

Ranma jumped at the familiar voice, and Akane seemed equally startled, as she immediately lost her focus and dropped into the water. She stood, coughing, as Ukyo and Ryoga walked up to the pool. "I figured we could give you a hand," Ukyo said. "Nothing else to do at this time of the morning, after all. Grocery delivery already came, and we're done with cleaning for the day."

She tossed some towels she was carrying by the stuff Ranma and Akane had brought, and started disrobing. She was wearing a two-piece under her clothes; Ranma snickered as Ryoga turned to stare and became lost in a fog that would've put Doctor Tofu to shame.

Only after she was finished and had got in the pool did Ryoga regain his senses. He started taking off his shirt, and for the first time Ranma noticed he was wearing swimming trunks. "Hey, Ryoga," she called out. "Just how were you expecting to swim in a _cold_ pool, huh?"

"Waterproof soap." He jumped in next to Ukyo.

Ranma stared ahead, lost in the realization of her own stupidity. "Son of a whore, I forgot all about that stuff! I could've been a guy yesterday! I— well, no, I still needed to be a distraction. Though if Ukyo had hopped in the pool in her uniform at the start of things, you might not have needed me."

Ukyo stuck her tongue out. "You never know, Ranma. If I were still looking for a guy, I might have done it just for the attention. I was getting a little jealous of all the looks _you_ were getting." She looked at Akane. "So… what were you guys working on?"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The four of them sat picking at their lunch of okonomiyaki, courtesy of Ukyo. Ranma popped a piece in her mouth. "So, Uuchan," she teased. "I guess the motto of the day is 'always put a shirt on before you fry stuff.'"

Ukyo brushed at her belly, where a number of tiny red dots were evidence her previous mistake. "Yeah, should've known that."

"Eh, don't feel bad, that's exactly the kind of thing I would do."

"Well, we're going to have to go open the restaurant pretty soon. Are you guys going to stay and keep at it?"

Ranma gave Akane a reassuring rub on the shoulder. "Nah. She did really good today. We'll come back tomorrow morning and work about as long as we did today. She'll know all she needs to by then; she'll just have to practice."

Ryoga ate a piece of food, then gave Ranma a sideways glance. "No two-piece today, Ranma? You only like dressing as a woman on weekdays or something?"

The other girls started giggling, while Ranma glared. "I was distracting the boys, porkins."

"_Sure _you were…"

Ukyo poked Akane's arm. "Does it weird you out that Ranma dresses like a girl sometimes?"

"No. It kinda makes sense that he'd dress like a girl when he has a girl's body."

"When he's a girl, do you two ever…"

Ranma and Akane blushed. "No" Ranma replied, "not really. It would be kinda nice if Akane liked girls, too, so I could have a little fun with this body, but she doesn't. We've made out a couple times in front of Kuno or old man Happosai, because it makes them pass out on the spot, but I could tell she was acting."

Ukyo nodded. "Yeah, that makes sense. I would never try to be touchy with Ryoga when he's a pig. That would be weird."

"So you're touchy with him when he's _not_ a pig?"

Now, the other two blushed. "Just some kissing," Ukyo replied. "We don't want to do too much too fast." She looked curious. "What about you two? How far have you gone?"

"Ah… I'll put it like this. When Shampoo broke into the house right after she decided I was her husband, we used it as an excuse for us to start sleeping in the same room."

Ukyo's eyes widened. "Oh! So you two are… close."

"Close," Ranma repeated.

"Well, just use protection so that your wedding doesn't come nine months from now."

"We are. We aren't planning to get married until we graduate. Probably when you two will be ready to get married. Maybe we can have a double ceremony or something."

The girls eyes lit up. Ryoga leaned close. "Don't talk about wedding around girls, Ranma."

"Should've known that."

* * *

_A/N: I have to fix an error in a previous chapter, which Compucles pointed out in a review. When I wrote the soap chapter, I went off of my memory of the Mousse arc. I'd skipped a lot of it for this story, obviously, and apparently it wasn't fresh enough in my mind. I was thinking that Mousse showed up cursed from the start; now that I reread it, I see that he'd arrived in Japan, then went back to China, got cursed, and came back to Japan. Ergo, he doesn't have his duck curse at all in this universe. I mentioned his curse in that chapter, though it doesn't really change the events of it if he's not cursed. I don't plan on bringing them back again (though I may change my mind later), so it doesn't really matter, but I thought I should point it out._


	22. Wishful Thinking

Akane rushed into the washitsu, carrying a steaming pot along with her. She set it on the table, then rushed away in the direction of the kitchen. Already at the table were Ranma and Nabiki, watching television, and both looked warily at the pot.

"She's cooking," Nabiki said.

"Her food comes out fine if Kasumi or I watch her to make sure she gets the ingredients right, but I wasn't in there, and I'm pretty sure Kasumi isn't here…" He lifted the lid a bit and took a sniff, shrinking back.

"Smells pretty bad, huh?"

"Not so much bad as weird. Like paint thinner or something."

Akane reentered, holding a stack of bowls. She set them down and placed one in front of Ranma, humming a bit, as though she were proud of herself. Ranma pointed to the pot of food. "Hey, Akane?" he said. "Was there anybody in the kitchen with you while you were making this?"

She stopped. "Stop worrying," she replied. "I was really careful this time. I feel good about this one." With that, she pulled a serving spoon out and ladled some of the stew into the bowl in front of Ranma. He picked up the bowl and squinted at its contents.

"Curry?"

She smiled sweetly. "That's right! Chicken curry! Does it look good?"

He set the bowl down. "Looks pretty good, but it smells a little strong."

"It might be a little spicy." She thrust a pair of chopsticks at him. "Try it!"

He gave the food another look. Trying Akane's cooking was difficult, because whenever it didn't come out right, it tended to be spectacularly wrong. Nothing was ever just a little off— if he or Kasumi were watching things, it was delicious. If they weren't… ingredients got mixed up, things got burned, and any number of other problems that made it unbearable. He generally had to fight to keep his composure, for the sake of not upsetting her.

He plucked a single vegetable out of the bowl and gingerly placed it on his mouth. The taste immediately made his eyes water, and he squeezed them shut. He heard Nabiki burst into laughter, and opened his eyes to see Akane's sad expression.

"Is it bad?"

"Yeah, Ranma," Nabiki teased. "How it is?"

"You want to be wearing this, Nabiki?" he grumbled. She turned her nose up, and he looked to Akane as he set the bowl down. "I think you added vinegar when you were supposed to add water. It tastes _really strong_ like vinegar. And I mean strong. Like drinking-it-from-the-bottle strong."

She dipped a finger in the pot, tasted it, and gagged."Damn!" she said with a cough. "I thought I had it this time! What do I keep doing wrong?"

"You don't watch what you're doing. That's why your food comes out fine when somebody's helping you, because we stop you from adding wrong stuff, or setting the stove wrong, or forgetting to take something off of a burner."

"Yeah, I guess." She picked up the pot. "Well, this is ruined. I'll try the recipe again later."

"Let me know first, and I'll come help."

She turned toward the kitchen. "No way!" she called back. "I need to learn to get this right by myself. If I need people to help me with it, I haven't mastered it." She walked out of the room.

Nabiki gave him a smug look. "And you're marrying that."

"I've never seen you do any better."

"I have a different plan, Saotome. I make a lot of money, buy a big house, and pay a chef to cook for me. No sense in learning to do something I can pay somebody else to do."

"Oh? Does that include male hookers, because no man will ever want to touch you?"

She gave him a dirty look and turned back to the TV, while he poked at the bowl that still sat in front of him. To Akane's credit, she seemed to have gotten the stove right— last time, it had been sauce burned to the sides of the pot with cold chicken in the middle…

Kasumi walked into the room with a large box in her hands. She set it on the table. "There was a package waiting," she said. "It's addressed to 'Akane and the Pigtailed Girl'."

"Hey, Akane!" Ranma called, then started picking at the box. Akane reentered, then paused as she looked it over.

"Who's this for?"

"Me and you."

She knelt at the table, looking confused. "Who would send the two of _us_ a package?"

"It's for you and 'the pigtailed girl', so there's only one person that could be responsible…"

They got the box open, revealing something wrapped in newspaper. Pulling the paper away, they both jumped in surprise as what was inside— a bust of Kuno, holding a rose and made out of some type of ceramic. It suddenly shook and started making sounds.

"Akane Tendo, Pigtailed Girl," a recording of Kuno's voice said. "I will be unable to attend school for the next few days, due to personal reasons. You will be lonely, I know, so I send you this statue, which you may gaze lovingly upon until I return…"

As the tape played, Ranma poked at the front of the thing, where a cassette tape behind a door was clearly visible. He pushed at it, and the door slid backwards inside the statue— Kuno had simply set a cassette player in the hole. That allowed him to get to the buttons on the machine, and he promptly stopped the tape, ejecting it and holding it in his hand.

"Bad taste should be a crime," Nabiki said, looking at the statue in disgust.

Akane seemed ready to smash the statue to pieces, but Ranma stopped her. "I have an idea," he said quickly, then raced out of the room. A moment later, he returned with a tape of American comedy songs that he'd owned for a few years. He stuck it in and pushed the play button.

"Hello mudda… (plink-plink-plink) Hello fadda… (plink-plink-plink) Here I am at… (plink-plink-plink) Camp Granada…"

"Hey, check it out, Akane!" Ranma said, laughing so hard he could barely speak. "Kuno's at Camp Granada!"

"Save it for a regular tape player, Ranma," Akane answered. "I don't want to have to look at him."

"Oh, you know what we should do? If we had a tape recorder that held two tapes, we could start one recording, and put Kuno's tape in the other side, and start and stop it so that we rearrange the words. We could make him say almost anything we want. It will be great!"

"I have one of those," Nabiki said. "If the pigtailed girl does some modeling for me, I could help with some editing…"

"Let me listen to the tape again and brainstorm. If I come up with anything good, you have a deal. It'll be worth it."

Akane pulled the tape out and handed it to him. Smiling smugly, she picked up the statue. "Fine, then," she said. "You do what you want with the tape, and I'm going to go smash this like one of my bricks. Excuse me." She carried it out of the room.

* * *

A few days later, they arrived at Furinkan in the morning to find that Kuno had returned. He immediately approached Akane, and got stomped into the ground. As he dragged himself to his feet, Ranma smirked at him.

"Hey, Kuno?"

"Kuno-_sempai!_"

"Yeah, right. Listen, thanks so much for that statue you sent to Akane. Sometimes I worry she might actually like you a little bit, but you have singlehandedly guaranteed she will never, ever, want anything to do with you. Thank you."

Kuno stood and gave Ranma an arrogant smirk. "You think you're something special, don't you Saotome?" He pulled a sword from his waist. "Wish bringer! Number one! Humble this fool!"

"He's talking to a sword…" Ranma muttered. He jumped back as Kuno started to swing it, but in mid-swing, it transformed into a huge hammer. He was so surprised that he stopped dead in his tracks. "What the f—" he started to say, only to be cut off as the hammer drove him into the ground.

Akane rushed to help him up, and they stared in confusion as Kuno sheathed the sword, which was back to being a sword, and smugly walked away. Just as Ranma made it to his feet, Genma appeared behind him, and yanked him to a quiet corner. Akane followed.

"He has the wishbringer," Genma said. "That sword grants wishes. Three, to be exact."

"And he used one up just to knock me down? What a frickin' moron!"

"You need to get the sword, boy. You know what it could mean."

"What?"

"The curses, idiot! We can wish away our curses! I can get rid of this panda half once and for all."

Ranma stretched. "Well, have fun with that, pops. I've kinda gotten used to the curse, and it has some advantages, so I think I'll just hang on to it."

Genma deadpanned. "Are you insane, boy? What possible advantage could your curse have?"

"Instant disguise. A quick splash of water, and I'm unrecognizable. There's cold water everywhere, and as long as I carry a thermos around, I can change either way anytime I want. And you'd be surprised how much free stuff I get just by changing into a girl and flashing a little cleavage."

"Fine. If you want to stay a _girl_, so be it. But it's your duty as my son to help _me_ get one of those wishes. So go bat your eyelashes at him. You know he likes your girl side."

Ranma turned and started walking toward the school. "No way," he said over his shoulder. "You got us cursed; you can deal with the outcome." Akane caught up to him, and they headed inside.

* * *

Upon arriving home from school, Nabiki delivered some interesting news— Kuno had already used his second wish, to ask for a date with the pigtailed girl. Ranma wondered aloud how that was supposed to work; after all, for the wish to come true, the sword would have to be able to affect free will. And if it _could_ do that, it didn't seem to be working, as he wasn't feeling the slightest attraction.

Genma then spent the rest of the evening whining and calling Ranma ungrateful, and Ranma continually responded by telling his father what he could kiss. The panda-brain then turned to begging the three Tendo daughters to help, by seducing the boy. Akane literally laughed in his face, and Kasumi said it would be improper given her budding relationship with Dr. Tofu.

Nabiki, of course, would usually do anything for money, or a promise to do something that would make her money. Unfortunately for Genma, he found himself with nothing to offer. If he were a panda, she could've rented him out as a trained animal and made some decent cash, but his whole purpose was to get rid of the curse. That left him with nothing of value, leading to Nabiki turning him down flat and Ranma laughing at the man's earlier insistence that the curses weren't useful.

Later, with all other options exhausted, Genma and Soun withdrew to the dōjō to work on a new and poorly-planned scheme— they would dress as ghosts, and Genma believed he could convince Kuno that he was a deceased family member, needing the wish to shed a curse that was keeping him stuck in limbo. The younger people present found the idea laughable at best, and Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki spent the rest of the evening discussing how to witness the whole display. It was sure to be moronic, after all, and the Kuno family may have been the only people in Nerima dumb enough to believe it.

Free entertainment.

* * *

The next night, the fathers had set their plan in motion, and just a few minutes after they left for the Kuno mansion, it was Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki who crept out in the same direction. With her, Nabiki carried a fairly large bag. She'd figured there would be some money to be made in making some recordings and taking some photos, and Ranma and Akane simply wanted to laugh at their fathers and the Kunos as the whole thing blew up in their faces.

It took a few minutes to reach the Kuno residence. The three of them traveled in silence, afraid any talking could be overheard by their fathers. Indeed, there were a couple times where the two men were close enough to be heard by the children as they gushed about their supposedly infallible and foolproof plan.

The teens had to stifle some laughter when they heard that part…

As they reached the mansion, they went around to the back, following their fathers, who leaped over the wall and went in. Ranma looked up at the wall, which stood at least ten feet tall. "Hey, Akane," he whispered, "you need a boost?"

"Nope, but I would imagine Nabiki will." With that, she took a step back, and leaped. She didn't make it over the wall, but managed to grab the top of it. With a grunt, she dragged herself over the top and disappeared.

Ranma turned to look at Nabiki, who gave him a smug look. He groaned. "You do this kind of stuff for a living," he said. "Don't you have a way to deal with these things by yourself?"

"Nope. I plan around it beforehand." She gave him a devious smile. "So come on and help your fiancée's sister over the wall. And I suggest you be careful where you put your hands— a little slip could really cost you."

He looked her up and down. "Shouldn't be a problem." He leaned down, jammed a shoulder into her belly, and lifted her like a sack of potatoes. He heard her let out a snort.

"This is _not_ what I had in mind!"

"Deal with it." He leaped and landed atop the wall. Another leap, and they were on the ground. He set her roughly on her feet, as Akane joined them. "Your sister wanted me to grab her," he said dryly.

"Don't flatter yourself, Saotome."

"I assume you have a map of his house," he said to Nabiki, "or at least some idea of where we're going. I've barely spent any time here, and when I _was_ here, I was usually trying my very best to get _out_."

"As a matter of fact, I do. I'm not sure if I want to give away the information for free, though. Especially considering your bad attitude toward me."

"Getting you over the wall is payment enough. Unless you want me to toss you back to the other side."

She stuck her nose in the air. "You're lucky I need your help some more." She pointed. "His bedroom has a balcony around the other side. Daddy and your father probably went in that way, assuming they've found it by now. If we jump up there quietly, we can watch without being noticed."

They walked around the side of the house, and sure enough, they found themselves staring at the underside of a rather expansive balcony. Akane leaped, and Nabiki braced as though afraid of a rough trip. Ranma was tired of giving her a hard time, though. He picked her up gently, an arm under her knees and the other behind her back. He leaped, landed, and set her down slowly. She looked a bit surprised, and thanked him with a nod and smirk.

Hey, she was his future sister-in-law; he needed to get along with her. Besides, she wasn't all bad. Only 60% or so…

Their mutual expectation of the fathers' plan was for it to be a failure of epic proportions, and they weren't disappointed. Inside, the fathers were in full ghost getup, and were already facing their first problem— Kuno was a sounder sleeper than they'd apparently anticipated. The onlookers watched as the older men stood, trying to poke and prod the boy will standing in their most menacing positions. Watching them stand with their arms outstretched, balanced on one foot as they prodded him with the other, was worth a laugh.

Finally, after a solid couple of minutes of nonsense, Kuno stirred and awoke. A look of fright crossed his face, and he sprang out of bed, grabbing a bokken that lay nearby. Genma held his hands up. "Fear not," he said in a goofy ghost-like voice, which nearly caused the teens watching to burst into laughter. "Tatewaki Kuno, it is I, your great-great grandfather, G… ah… um… Genma… Kuno." He cleared his throat. "I come seeking your help!" Soun stood silently the entire time.

Kuno stared. "Great-grandfather?" he whispered. "In what way could I possibly help you?" Ranma and Akane exchanged a look of disbelief at the boy's gullibility, while Nabiki quietly produced a video camera from her bag and brought it up to her face.

"I suffer from a curse that holds me in limbo," Genma moaned. "The curse… of the panda! The wish bringer sword was given to you for a reason. You must use it to relieve this curse of mine!"

"But great-grandfather! I'm not sure the sword works at all times. I wished for a date with the pigtailed girl, and nothing has happened! What if it fails to relieve your curse?"

Genma stumbled. "Eh… it's worth a shot, my son." The teens on the balcony again found themselves stifling laughter.

Kuno reached under his bed and withdrew the sword. He unsheathed it and held it out. "Very well!" he cried. "Wish bringer! Remove the curse of the panda from my great-grandfather!"

The sword vibrated. "Invalid wish," a robotic voice said. Kuno stared at it, confused. "Invalid wish?" he muttered. "How can that be? It's supposed to grant any wish…"

Apparently, Genma had tired of Kuno, and decided to take advantage of the boy's confusion. He sprang forward and yanked the sword out of Kuno's hands. "It's mine!" he cried, racing for the balcony. The three observers on the balcony all flattened themselves to the wall as Genma leaped by, with Soun on his heels. A moment later, Kuno followed. "Thieves!" the boy bellowed, leaping past them and cutting them off.

They squared off in a two-on-one battle stance, as Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki slowly backed into the room to keep out of sight. Nabiki kept her camera rolling, and they watched as Kuno attacked wildly, diving between the two older men. Soun pinned Kuno down. "Make your wish!" he shouted to Genma, who quickly held the sword up.

"Wish bringer! Free me of the panda!"

_Bzzt._ "Voice check not verified."

Genma stopped and stared. Kuno, meanwhile, managed to free himself, and used the lull to snatch the sword back. Genma smiled sheepishly. Inside, Nabiki chuckled. "This is where it gets good," she whispered.

They jumped at the sound of a doorknob behind them. A door nearby opened, and Kodachi walked in. "Brother," she said, "what is the meaning of…" She caught sight of the three people in front of her, and immediately zeroed in on the one whom she loved. "Ranma darling!" she gushed, opening her arms wide.

"She's going to give us away!" Akane groaned.

"Get past her!" Nabiki spat, and ran straight at the girl, slipping past her and out into the hallway behind. Akane followed and Ranma brought up the rear, only to be snared around the neck as Kodachi tried to wrap him in a hug. Not in the mood to deal with her, he tossed her to the floor and ran to catch up with the girls.

They paused at an intersection of hallways. Nabiki looked in the direction the balcony had been. "Our best bet to get a shot at the action is that way," she said, only to be interrupted by the sound of a door flying open in the distance. "Vermin!" Kuno's voice bellowed from the direction Nabiki had pointed. "I'll tear you apart for breaking into my home!" The sounds of a scuffle followed.

"We need to hide!" Akane said. "They're coming at us and Kodachi is behind us somewhere!"

"Only one other direction to go!" Ranma said, and they rushed off down the remaining hallway. They sped around a corner, and found themselves in a bind— they were trapped at a dead end. Nabiki groaned. "I'm missing the best part!" she said. "We need a way outside, so we can come in the way they did and follow them!"

Ranma grabbed the doorknob on the nearest door, but found it locked. He tried another, and the girls each tried a door, but none opened. A sense of panic started to build— if they we caught, they'd be dragged into their fathers' mess, and Nabiki seemed convinced she could get more footage so long as their presence remained secret. They started working their way back down the hallway, but only found locked doors.

"Who locks all of the inside doors in a house?!" Ranma spat, as the sounds of the fathers-on-Kuno battle got closer. Finally, Nabiki tried a door and it opened, and the three of them ducked inside.

The room was pitch black, and quiet. their footsteps echoed in a way that suggested that it was an unusually large room. There was a rustling sound, and a flashlight beam appeared from Nabiki's direction. It panned along the walls, and they realized where they'd ended up.

"The pool," Akane said.

"Why is it always water?" Ranma moaned.

"It's fine," Nabiki said. "They'll hit a dead end if they come this way, so they'll probably fight their way back down the hallway. That only leaves the other hallway. They'll turn that way, and we'll be able to sneak up from behind and follow them."

"Maybe we should just go home," Ranma suggested. "I think the most exciting part is over."

"No way. I need more footage if this is going to make a profit. I got Kuno on tape looking like a fool, but I need footage of our dads escaping from him. He has to look both dumb _and_ inept."

"Then we're stuck here. There aren't any windows or doors. We have to go out the way we came."

"Better to go out that way, anyway. That's the way we know we can find them. Just wait around for a few minutes."

A voice on the other side of the door startled them. "Ranma darling?" Kodachi's voice called out. "Where have you gone?" It was followed by the sound of a door opening somewhere down the hall. They looked around frantically— their night was over if Kodachi came into the room with them standing where they were.

Ranma looked up, and in the dim light of the flashlight, he could see the beams making up the ceiling above them. He tugged on Akane's arm and pointed, and she nodded. They both jumped up and grabbed hold of the beams, hanging in place. The light from Nabiki's flashlight waved around as she hurriedly stuffed her camera back into the bag.

"Ranma darling?" Kodachi's voice called again. The doorknob to their room made a sound as someone grabbed hold. The flashlight went out, and there was a loud splash.

They were assaulted by the light from the hallway, and a moment later, the whole room lit up. Kodachi leaned in the doorway and looked around, and Ranma scanned the room. Wherever Nabiki had hidden, he couldn't see her. Kodachi shrugged, turned out the lights, and shut the door. The room was again cloaked in blackness.

After a moment, there was a splashing sound, followed by a long string of muttered cursing in Nabiki's voice. Water sloshed, then roared for a moment. The flashlight came back on and immediately turned to point down at the holder's body. Ranma hopped down, and he heard Akane land softly next to him. The flashlight pointed at them for a moment, then turned back down.

"Son of a bitch," Nabiki growled, shaking the front of her shirt. "Mother_fucker!_" Now a few feet away, Ranma's suspicions were confirmed— she'd hidden by jumping in the pool. She squeezed the front of her shorts. "Why did I wear jean shorts?" she moaned.

"How's the water?" Ranma asked mirthfully.

"_You want to find out, jerkoff?!_" Nabiki yelled, then stopped herself, realizing her volume.

He sheepishly ran his fingers through his hair. "Hey, seriously… sorry you're stuck like that. I would've grabbed you and carried you up to the ceiling, but I didn't know how long we'd be up there, and I didn't want to risk dropping you."

"Uh huh."

"Hey, it would have meant pinning you between me and the ceiling. Being wet lasts a few hours, but the awkwardness that follows grinding on your sister's fiancé lasts forever."

She sighed. "Yeah, yeah, you're right. This shit comes with the business. Occupational hazard. I'm just pissed I have to be cold and wet for the rest of the night while I'm sneaking around taking video." She ruffled her hair and smoothed it back. "I'm blaming the water-magnet part of your curse for this." She looked down at herself again. "At least my shirt is black, so you can't stare at my tits."

"What was it you said earlier? Oh, yeah. Don't flatter yourself."

She aimed the flashlight at her face, stuck her tongue out, then turned it back on her body.

"Tell me the bag is waterproof, at least," Akane said sympathetically.

"It is. At least it's supposed to be." She opened it, shined the flashlight inside, and closed it with a sigh of relief. "I'm good. Damn stupid shit…" She paused and sniffed her sleeve. "And, of course, I reek of chlorine. Lovely."

"Relax," Akane continued. "We'll get out of here, head straight home, and you can get a hot bath and some dry clothes. Okay?"

"Oh, no. No way. I _still_ need more film. Especially now, after taking that little dip in the pool, this trip _will_ be worth it. No ifs, ands, or buts. I had better make a mint off of this!"

She spun around at the sound of footsteps in the hallway. "Ranma?" Kodachi's voice called out. "Where are you my darling? I'm loving this game you're playing with me!" There were a few more steps, a pause, then a few more. "Raaaaanmaaaaa?" she sang. "Where aaaaare you?"

"Shit!" Nabiki spat. Her bag and still-lit flashlight dropped to the floor, and she turned and took a very un-graceful flop into the water. Ranma prepared to leap to the ceiling, but stopped when he heard Kodachi's voice again. "The courtyard!" the girl said, as though having an epiphany. A moment later, the sound of footsteps racing off into the distance floated back to them.

"Poor Nabiki," Ranma said. He picked the flashlight up. "How long do you think she can hold her breath?"

"No idea."

He turned the flashlight on and waved the beam back and forth over the water. A moment later, Nabiki's head broke the surface in front of them. "She ran off," he said. She nodded and lifted herself out.

She stood. "_Twice_ now," she grumbled, wringing out what she could. "The crap I go through to make a little cash."

"The second time couldn't have been so bad," Akane said helpfully. "It's not like you were dry."

"Yeah, yeah." She adjusted her boobs. "Damn bra is driving me nuts… Tomorrow, I'm buying a special outfit for sneaking around. A ninja suit or something."

"Just wear a bathing suit," Ranma said.

"You'd like that."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Liar." She picked up her bag and snatched the flashlight from him. "Let's just get out of this damn room before I end up in the pool a _third_ time." She turned to leave, but stopped. "In the future, if either of you owes me for anything, I'll make you a standing deal— you teach me how to jump and hide like that, and you can keep your money." She headed for the door.

_Squish… squish… squish… squish…_

She stopped and threw her hands up in frustration. "I can't sneak around like this!" she barked. She plopped down on the floor with a squelch, yanking her shoes and socks off. "These had better not be ruined," she fumed, "and I had better not step on anything. I should've stayed home." She stood, gathered her shoes, and stomped over to the door, with Ranma and Akane following behind.

They leaned near the door. Only silence came from the other side. Nabiki opened it a crack, and after a pause, slipped out. Ranma and Akane followed. Out in the hallway, they tiptoed toward the intersection from which they'd come, with Nabiki leaving footprints and a trail of water droplets as they went. Any other day, Ranma may have laughed at her misfortune, but he was starting to feel a little bad for her. She clearly hadn't found the water relaxing.

They stopped at the second hallway and peeked around the corner. There was no one in sight, and no sound to be heard. Nabiki silently pointed in the direction they'd heard the fighting, and they headed that way.

They came to a corner and paused to look around it… but didn't get the chance. Without warning, Kuno rounded the corner and nearly ran into the group. Like his sister, he seemed to notice only the object of his affection.

"Akane Tendo!"

The object of his affection sighed and rubbed her temples.

"You've come to visit me in my home! If you wished to help me vanquish the burglars, I'm afraid you're too late. I've beaten them soundly."

"Damn it," Nabiki muttered. "There goes any chance of getting better footage. This night's officially been a disaster."

Kuno drew the wish-bringer and held it in front of him. "This is the perfect opportunity," he said. "I used my second wish to procure a date with the pigtailed girl, and with you in my presence, I shall use the third for my other love. Wish bringer!" He held the sword tightly. "I wish for a kiss with my love, Akane Tendo!"

The sword vibrated for a moment, then went quiet. Ranma and the girls looked at each other, while Kuno closed his eyes and leaned forward. A slight smirk crossed Akane's face as she made a fist, but his leaning in caused the sword to come dangerously close. Unable to get a decent hit, she was forced to duck out of the way, and Kuno ended up grabbing hold of and kissing the person standing directly behind her.

There was no doubt that Kuno wasn't bright, but the display in the hallway rammed the idea home. Sure, his closed eyes meant he couldn't see who he'd grabbed, and it's entirely plausible he couldn't tell one person's shape from another. But one would think he'd notice that the person he was embracing was soaking wet, and likely rather cold from the water. You'd think he would've been observant enough to have noticed Akane wasn't the dripping member of the group. But, alas, he showed no signs of realization as he pulled Nabiki in for a deep kiss.

His dimness may not have been a surprise, but Nabiki's reaction sure was. Ranma and Akane watched in utter disbelief as she made no attempt to move, instead wrapping her arms around his neck and seemingly enjoying what was happening. He opened his mouth a bit, and Nabiki didn't hold back, fishing for his tongue in a not-remotely-discreet way. Even when he slid a hand down and squeezed her rear she didn't stop, but rather slid one of her hands down to grab him in the same spot.

And he _still_ didn't seem to notice she was soaking wet…

Finally, his eyes opened a crack. His change of demeanor was instant— he turned white as a sheet, his eyes wide and his jaw dropping. He pulled away, holding Nabiki back with a stiff arm, as if he feared she'd come at him. She opened her eyes at that point, disappointment noticeable in her features. Then, she reached up to play with her hair, and gave him a flirty smile. "Was it good for you, Kuno-baby?" she cooed.

His face contorted in horror, and he doubled over and began frantically spitting. "Disgusting!" he cried. "I don't desire the lips of you, Nabiki! How dare you insert yourself in your beautiful sister's place! Who knows with what foulness you may have infected me?"

It was Nabiki's turn for a change of mood. Her face darkened, and her lips curled into a scowl. She pulled her leg back, and in his bent-over state, he was defenseless as she landed a hard kick to his face. She may not have been a martial artist, but the kick was hard enough to make Ranma and Akane wince, and leave Kuno sprawled unconscious on the floor.

Nabiki pointed down the hallway. "Make for the nearest door," she said. "Let's get out of this fucking madhouse. No amount of money is worth sticking around."

A few minutes later, the trio was walking back toward home. There had been no sign of their fathers; apparently the beaten men had managed to slink away. They'd also found a button to open the front gate from the inside, so Ranma had been spared getting himself wet by lifting Nabiki over the wall (though, given what she'd been through, he would've done it out of pity).

They walked for a few minutes without conversation; the silence broken only by the squishing of Nabiki's shoes, which she had put back on as soon as they'd made it outside. It was Akane who finally spoke.

"Nee-chan?"

"Hmm?"

"You okay? After everything that happened tonight?"

Nabiki stopped, and surprisingly, there was a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Fine, sis. Thanks for your concern, though."

"You think Kuno will still want to buy stuff from you after all that?" Ranma asked.

They started walking again. "Oh, sure," Nabiki answered. "I'll just tell him he has some additional payment to give me, to make up for the insulting and hurtful way he treated me."

Akane deadpanned. "You're going to use the way he treated you to make some extra cash?"

"Nope. Not a monetary payment. I have a much better idea. He'll have to kiss me again. _Without_ complaining. Every time we make a transaction, he has to pucker up. Like a tax."

"_Really?_ You want to kiss him again after the things he said? Why?"

Nabiki stopped again. "After Ranma's little pill prank, I rethought my relationship with Kuno. He _would_ be a perfect match for me. Nice to look at, all that money to spend, and he's dumb as a brick, so I can lead him around like a puppy. The moment he grabbed hold of me, I knew I had the perfect opportunity to get the ball rolling. Of _course_ he doesn't like me right now; he's nuts over you two. But _eventually_, he'll get bored with chasing girls who don't love him, and he'll take another look at the girl he's been kissing." She held her hands up like she was controlling invisible marionettes. "Dance, puppets! Dance!"

"Nee-chan… don't do that to yourself. Don't spend the next couple of years chasing a guy who doesn't even like you. You're worth more than that. You'd be acting like… well, Kuno. You'd be lowering yourself to _Kuno's_ level."

Nabiki resumed her walking. "Oh, I don't really like him, either. Not yet. I couldn't like a guy who doesn't like me back. No… for now, Kuno's just a sexy body for me to rub on. And then eventually, he'll come around, and he'll start spewing the kind of stuff he says to you two. Maybe I'll start liking him, too… or maybe I'll just put up with his personality for the sex and piles of money. I can do with either."

"You're going to get hurt, Nabiki."

"No, I won't. You know as well as I do that I have icewater in my veins. No emotion involved. And besides… it turns out he's a _really_ good kisser. Surprisingly good. I want more of what he's got."

Ranma started to chuckle. "There's no way he's had girlfriends before. I bet he practices kissing with his sister!"

Akane turned slightly green, while Nabiki giggled. "You know what, Saotome? You're probably right."

They walked for a minute in silence. It was Ranma who spoke next. "Okay, so I gotta ask. After you wound up in the pool, you swore that the whole trip had better end up being 'worth it'. The kiss with Kuno… did that make it all worth it?"

She shrugged. "Can't really say. Depends upon where things go down the road…"

"Ah. So am I correct in assuming that you're in a better mood now?"

"Yeah, I feel pretty good."

"Good. So…" He grinned. "How was the water?"

She stopped and gave him a tired and irritated look. Then, after a moment of staring, she jumped on him and wrapped him in a bear hug. "You tell me!"

"Ah!" So much for staying dry…

"Who's laughing now, huh? Who's laughing now?" Akane doubled over, laughing until she gasped for air. Nabiki let go and started walking.

"Akane! Your sister has a thing for me! She keeps trying to grab me!"

"You wish."

"No, I _don't._"

"You were enjoying it."

"No, I _wasn't!_"

"Liar."

"Groper!"

"Ha!"

* * *

_A/N: I wanted to cover this story arc to get Ranma to say that he'd keep the curse, and that meant I'd have to write an entirely new series of events. I got stuck in the middle (I wanted them to have to hide out, but needed some details), so I looked back through the previous chapters. Upon taking a look at the last chapter, I decided that I could keep the swimming pool theme going for one more story arc._

_And then, putting Nabs through hell made me want to do something nice to make her feel better, and I figured a little romance would do the trick. And now you readers get to enjoy the intentional ambiguity of whether Nabiki has real feelings for him, or is just playing him like she claims. After all, it's not like she'd admit anything…_


End file.
